To ignore the urge to have another child?

[Marmalademouse]

I have two children, 7 and 10, and can’t stop thinking about having a third baby. I’m late thirties, keep telling myself it’s impractical ( we could afford it but house, car are too small etc). Bad for my career. Global pandemic. Nothing logical in its favour really.

But I keep thinking - in ten years, when it’s no longer possible, will I regret not having another baby? So Yanbu - you’re doing the right thing not having another baby. Yabu - You might regret it.

It's easy to say you regret some romantic picture perfect concept of having another child.

The financial cost of helping your DC through uni or on the housing market, the emotional cost of another (believe me it kicks in during the teen years).

I can't believe I was so belligerent about having more at the time and I love all my DC but the toll has been high!

I struggle to do any sort of evening class as DH doesn't drive so all the taxi duties are down to me. It's limited the DC too as I couldn't be in two places at once.

10 years ago I couldn't imagine not having a third child. 10 years later I am glad I didn't and the urge faded. I'm happy, kids are happy, life is good, I'm free to live my life and achieve my goals

Trying to support my teens with GCSEs right now and transition to secondary along with covid, extra costs with uniform trips etc, the last thing I would need is a toddler as well. I have just got some freedom back and couldn't return to the tiredness of those early days. Hitting the perimenopause too and less patience, need time to myself. We are all different though.

These people regretting not having another, well they didn't get the reality did they. Easy to regret the perfect idea of something.

I think every woman with kids asks themselves every now and then if they would like another. However, if you can't stop thinking about and have a desperate urge to have a 3rd then that's your answer.

Mine are now 6 and 4 (and I'm 35) and having a third occasionally appeals. But I would say that's it easy to look back on the cute baby / toddler years with rose tinted glasses, but when I sit back and remember the reality of pregnancy aches, morning sickness, labour, breast-feeding, sleepless nights, colic, being unable to leave the house without half an tonne of baby crap, constant crying, tantrums and potty training, I reach the conclusion that I'm pleased those days are behind me.

I have three and and it’s completely and utterly wonderful. I wouldn’t change a thing. Our third baby completed our family. The urge for another has gone. DS is adorable and I haven’t regretted a second of going back to the baby years.
Not sure if that’s what you want to hear or not! Also, I think about the future.. how lovely it will be to have three grown up adult children as well.
No regrets here!

Ahhh, I had to respond. I have an 8 month old daughter, my older two are 10 and 8. I had the same feelings as you, fear of having and also desperately wanting another. I have zero regrets, and it actually hasn't been as difficult as I imagined. She has bought so much joy to our lives and I can't wait for the years to roll out ahead of us. I'm even tempted for another as it has been so wonderful, but being 40 now I doubt I could convince my husband!

I think it really is down to the age gap.
7 years now.
Realistically could it be closer to 9 by the time a baby might arrive?
That puts you in two very different places.
It hugely affects your freedom for a couple of years and puts you back into a very different space to that of your other two children.

I get that the urge can be very strong but whilst you may not regret a child, you definitely could regret the limitations it places on you and your family as you start at the very beginning again.

I'm well into my 50's and the teen years are full on, exhausting, and my children have not been particularly challenging.

You will be doing 10 years older than you were with your older children.

Juggling a baby with their pick ups, collections, sports, activities is really full on.

I've seen several women do it in my time and it looked shattering.

Best of luck either way.

I really wanted a third, had a third, but if I’m honest whilst they are delightful and the age gap between them and child number 2 is only three and a half years, it’s done me in. The tiredness, my patience is stretched and I resent being tied to naps, a buggy, early mornings etc. I expect this ease up a bit as they get older, but I’m saying this to give you pause.

My two are the same age as yours OP and I often think about it. Then I think about going back to those relentless baby, toddler and pre-school years and it's a big, fat no. There is no way I'm doing all that again. I enjoy my weekend lie-in (on the day I'm not up at the crack of dawn for swimming lessons and football matches ), doing interesting things with the DC and having time and energy for myself.

I wouldn’t personally. You did mention you have felt like this a while... is there any reason you didn’t go for it sooner OP? It could work or you could end up wishing you had stuck to just your 2 kids. I suspect a lot of mums would going from 2 to 3 with a big age gap too.

I didn't have one after DD8. I'm 42. That romantic notion was always there, calling to me, but I knew that it would unlikely be as I dreamed. For me, the risk of MC, twins, additional needs, getting caught up in not conceiving, tiredness etc etc felt like too much of a gamble when I already have the thing I love more than anything else. I focus on the life I can give her and all the things we will do.

What if you had multiples?
What if your third child had additional needs?

I think it's fine to assume there'll be challenges even if things go well but what if things don't go well? Could you cope?

I'm in my early forties, I have a 5, 3 and 1 year old. We're considering a fourth ... live once, go all in, I say.

Thanks all. In terms of why I didn’t do it before, I was overwhelmed with a toddler and a baby, and then developing my career. Now that’s going well and the kids are older I find myself wanting to do it all one more time... but when I read the reasons not to I find myself wholeheartedly agreeing! It doesn’t make sense, it’s a bodily/hormonal desire for sure, but also seems to be something to do with heading into 40s soon with teens, with everything staying the same. I can’t imagine my life without kids in it, is perhaps the issue!

I wouldn't do it. It's quite an age gap, I couldn't imagine have teenagers and a planned toddler at the same time.

I also think of my cousin who had two girls aged 10 and 8 and a surprise third baby. She said it was much harder to physically recover in her late thirties and though the girls tried to be helpful it was so hard juggling the two older ones and the baby. She has a supportive husband too and involved parents and parents-in-law, but said it was just so much more difficult.

I do know a family that had another planned baby when they had two teens. They seem really happy though the oldest daughter said it is like having a niece rather than a sister. Also mother (who was late 40's) said she was going to retire early and raise this one without childcare but missed her established career too much and went back after 18 months. Not to say this is bad or wrong, just that her dreams didn't match the reality.

Also when you say the house is too small, what do you mean? Is there a spare bedroom? Would your existing children have to share?

What would you do if DC3 had additional needs or if you had twins? Both more common in older parents.

Thanks August. It’s really helpful to hear these stories.

Currently yes DC would have to share but we would have to build an extension (which we were planning anyway). But yes another impractical aspect of the urge! I have lovely baby/toddler nieces/nephews so I think I just need to enjoy them and try to forget about it

I had a couple of years like this recently. It would ebb and flow but I had such a strong urge to have a third I would drive myself mad with it.

I’m late 30s and Dc are 13 and almost 10. Luckily DH wasn’t keen for a third for all the reasons people have mentioned and I knew deep down I was more in love with the idea of a third child - being older, having more patience, money, wiser etc. In reality, I hate the early days of child rearing and I enjoy them far more now.

So, we got a puppy instead. It’s honestly been wonderful she’s also coming out of her baby days now and we all say she was the final piece of the puzzle for us.

I should add that my close relative had twins as the second and third DC and whilst they are loved, they absolutely ruined her in so many ways. I couldn’t risk having twins after watching that...

I think here you need to think of the worse case scenario and only if you are confident you can handle it - should you consider it.

What if child has significant additional needs and you or partner have to give up work

What if child is Velcro/ doesn't sleep

How will the above impact the attention on the other two.

You are about to enter more difficult years with 10yr old going to secondary. This takes more energy and parenting than you might think. How will you handle this whilst existing on little sleep

Money and attention is split 3 ways - is that enough. Do your children feel they have more than enough already ?

What if you have physical issue in pregnancy or after. Or mental issue?

I could go on...

I KNOW this is all really negative. That's the point. If these things are all good then what's holding you back?

My friend did this (with less of an age gap but still); she always said that it was the third child who broke her marriage (or at least was a catalyst). I always thought it was a sad thing to say.

OP in 10 years time you may be very glad you stopped at two.

I pondered a 3rd, but decided against, and very pleased I did.
As others have said university costs, driving lessons- late teens is a horrendously costly business.
Yes I could have had several more kids and let them work out their own finances at that age, but being able to give financial support has been good for them, and given them a better start in adult life.

Christ, I'm resisting the hormones telling me to have a second because we can't afford it and I'm too old (40 next year). In an ideal world I'd like another, but in reality we would be completely skint, need a bigger house in a few years, I would probably be sofa-bound for much of my pregnancy as I had bad SPD, and I hated the newborn stage. The hormones are noisy but why would I put myself through all that?

Thank you @DragonMamma - maybe a puppy is the answer! I struggled with toddler years but loved baby years - but that’s over very quickly! How is it having older kids now? That’s what I feel I don’t hear that much about, that next phase of life when kids are older (how it is for the Mum I mean).

But @purringpaws I think I should (will!) cut and paste your post somewhere to remind me of the reality - I’m not sure I could cope with some of those worst case scenarios, and it’s what I need to think of, not the ideal image I have in my head of everyone passing the baby around the tree next Christmas

" and it’s what I need to think of, not the ideal image I have in my head of everyone passing the baby around the tree next Christmas "

If it helps my second was very much a hard work baby. Born in November, I had the same lovely image i my head.

In reality there was no way that was happening. She cried through lunch, screamed at full pelt if she got passed around. In fact anytime I let others (her father was fine) hold her she'd get so worked up that she'd then be unsettled for the rest of the day and that night was even worse than usual. No one understood this and thought I was being precious.

Btw she's a very well adjusted year 3 child now. Strong willed but awesome and very smart.

Good luck OP