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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No apology after hurtful words

71 replies

Elephantsintheroom · 30/11/2020 16:04

DH has said some things which I have found extremely hurtful.

I struggled after DS was born a few years ago. He was very ill, thought we might lose him (and now has some long term issues). I struggled to bond with him and in the very early days said some things about how I wished he hadn’t been born.

I was unwell. Have had counselling, medication. Took a few months to be ok but now a few years on am in a great place (DS doing well too). Feel proud of myself for getting through it.

In the context of a disagreement, in which I said I didn’t feel appreciated, I said I was sad that DH never said I was a good mum. He said that was because of the things I had said been DS was born. He said that didn’t make me a good mum. I said I knew that wasn’t good, but I was unwell and now I was a good mum in spite of that and would be nice if he could recognise that.

He said maybe I wasn’t unwell, maybe I was iust horrible. He just said I don’t know what you want from me and left the room.

Since then I have said a few times how hurt I feel. But DH has done nothing to try and make me feel better.

DH never apologises for anything so feel I have to learn to live with the fact that’s how he thinks of me, or if he doesn’t he doesn’t care enough to want to make me feel better.

But I’m finding it so hard trying to squash my feeling of hurt down. I have worked hard to forgive myself for how I struggled but this is making it hard.

But I want to make it work.

AIBU to try and squash these feelings down because I know there is no hope for an apology? Or is this a recipe for a disaster?

OP posts:
Original poster
Elephantsintheroom · 30/11/2020 16:24

Sorry that’s so long.

OP posts:
CoRhona · 30/11/2020 16:27

I really think for your own sake you need to move on. If you feel you are being a good mum now, who cares what he thinks. It's what you think of yourself that counts 💪

MatildaTheCat · 30/11/2020 16:36

Perhaps you both need to draw a line under the things you have both said and done if you want to move forward? What he has said is very mean but going round and round in circles over it won’t help.

When you can chat calmly perhaps call an amnesty on the subject and discuss ways you can both support one another?

EKGEMS · 30/11/2020 17:21

Nope-I wouldn't be friends with anyone who never apologizes let alone be in a long-term relationship! Screw that!

Poppypopi80 · 30/11/2020 17:25

I think your husband has been really harsh. Infact I think he crossed the line. I’d perhaps leave it a week or so and speak to him again and tell him you won’t tolerate been spoken to like that.

Lots of mums feel stressed and I definitely wanted my life back when DS was a newborn! Because I was exhausted!

Needoutsideopinions2020 · 30/11/2020 17:44

OP, you sound great. You've gone through a huge challenge of having a poorly child, fear and anxiety at potentially losing him, and also being unwell. You took action at a time when I'm sure anything must have been really challenging, you found medication, you went to counselling and now you're being a good mum to your DS. I think firstly, just pause and look at where you've got to Flowers. Well done Biscuit

Secondly, I'm so sorry your DH has said this to you. I can see why you are feeling so hurt.

Your DH should apologise, but sadly, we can't make people apologise (I wish we could, there are painful things I long for my DH to apologise for). You can't control what he does next, but you can control how you handle it.

He might apologise, or he might not (especially as you've said he doesn't apologise a lot). In my experience, if you hold onto the hurt waiting for him to apologise, it will just end up hurting you and making you resentful. As hard as it is, I'd try to put his hurtful comments behind you and trust that you know you're a good mum (and I'm sure he does really too).

Keep going mama

TheWernethWife · 30/11/2020 17:56

I wouldn't be having another baby with this knobhead. He didn't sound supportive of your mental health when you needed him.

Original poster
Elephantsintheroom · 30/11/2020 18:16

Thanks for your comments. Really helpful to write it down and get some thoughts from others.

OP posts:
2020iscancelled · 30/11/2020 18:32

Well it seems that your husband is either

A) malicious
B) emotionally incompetent and a judgemental prick

Malicious because he has purposefully said things which he knows will hurt you.

Or emotionally incompetent because he cannot recognise the difference between trauma, depression / PND and just being “a horrible person” even several years down the line, living day in and day out with the person.

I’m inclined to think it’s A - that he is a nasty piece of work and will say whatever he needs to in order to feel in control, ensuring to damage your self worth and confidence in the process.

He has taken your most vulnerable and traumatic experience and used it against you. Of course he won’t apologise - he’s done it on purpose, people who maliciously hurt others on purpose don’t apologise for it.

picklemewalnuts · 30/11/2020 18:40

I'd be inclined to tell him that you said things while you were ill that you regret, and he claims that means you aren't a good mum.

He is saying things which mean he is not a good husband. How should you feel.

Tell him to have a good hard think and let you know.

jay55 · 30/11/2020 18:44

You said horrid things due to illness, you got help, and did all you could to make amends. Most importantly your son would never have been aware of it.

He said horrid things to you, and won't do anything to make it better, knowing full well he's hurt you.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 30/11/2020 18:44

What pickle said^
It is absolutely inexcusable for him to openly tell you he thinks you're a bad mum. If he really thinks that, (and it's clearly not true) then your marriage is pretty much over.

Original poster
Elephantsintheroom · 01/12/2020 20:11

So I spoke to him about it today. I said I was really hurting. I said that when I had spoken to friends/family about the hard times they had said that it was a really hard time for me and that they were proud I had come through it and they saw how much I loved DC. I said that I needed to hear something like that from him. He said he thought all this was me being affected by lockdown, that no good could come of this conversation and he wasn’t engaging in it. I feel so sad. I think that’s it for my marriage. I can stay with someone who doesn’t want to give me a hug or make me feel better when I tell them how hurt I am about this, can I?

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 01/12/2020 20:28

Do you make your DH feel appreciated too OP? Maybe he feels under valued too so is lashing out if he feels you are continually asking for his validation of your skills as a mum. Did he have to step up more during the early days when you were ill? He shouldn’t have made you feel bad for what happened after your son’s birth, but I guess it might not have been easy for him either.

Bluntness100 · 01/12/2020 20:33

What did you say op at the time, was he very hurt by it? Did you acknowledge how it made him feel at thr timr? How it impacted him? It seems he was hurt at the time and struggling to move past it
How did you address it? Clearly having a poorly baby also impacted him.

Also do you tell him he’s a good dad?

Stillnotgotdressed · 01/12/2020 20:40

Living with someone or being close to someone who never apologises is really hard. I had a family member like that and no matter what they had done that hurt me they would not say sorry. I read that it is linked to low self-esteem: that admitting you were wrong feels like an admission that you are a bad person and feels shameful. When I read this explanation it made sense and I went on to tell them it was only a word, not a measure of worth and that saying sorry is freeing and they finally apologised to me. It has massively improved our relationship and if you could chose a time to convey that 'Sorry' is okay to say it may help but if he is not going to ever apologise to you then at least you will have tried to make it work. Take care

picklemewalnuts · 01/12/2020 20:45

It's not just about refusing to say sorry, the man is behaving unpleasantly to his wife. He is withholding comfort and approval, who would do that? How can you stay married when you make no attempt to reassure or comfort your spouse?

NellyDElephant · 01/12/2020 20:47

I presume your DH is perfect then? Never says anything hurtful or out of turn? Hmm

Original poster
Elephantsintheroom · 01/12/2020 20:55

@Livelovebehappy

Do you make your DH feel appreciated too OP? Maybe he feels under valued too so is lashing out if he feels you are continually asking for his validation of your skills as a mum. Did he have to step up more during the early days when you were ill? He shouldn’t have made you feel bad for what happened after your son’s birth, but I guess it might not have been easy for him either.
I try. I do nice things for him. I tell him he’s a good dad. Struggling to do that much at the moment admittedly because how hurt I feel. But generally I do this. Also I’m open to discussing if he needs more from me. I’ve asked him what he needs and he just says for me to stop being a dick.
OP posts:
Porridgeoat · 01/12/2020 20:57

Omg! Is he always so cold? And negatively judgmental? And unsupportive? And unsympathetic?

Original poster
Elephantsintheroom · 01/12/2020 20:57

@Bluntness100

What did you say op at the time, was he very hurt by it? Did you acknowledge how it made him feel at thr timr? How it impacted him? It seems he was hurt at the time and struggling to move past it How did you address it? Clearly having a poorly baby also impacted him.

Also do you tell him he’s a good dad?

What prompted all this was a discussion about me now feeling appreciated. I said things I shouldn’t have, including that I wasn’t sure if we had a future if things didn’t change. But I have apologised.

I do tell him he’s a good day.

OP posts:
Porridgeoat · 01/12/2020 20:58

Also you really need to value yourself. I understand it’s important to feel appreciated though

Original poster
Elephantsintheroom · 01/12/2020 20:58

@Stillnotgotdressed

Living with someone or being close to someone who never apologises is really hard. I had a family member like that and no matter what they had done that hurt me they would not say sorry. I read that it is linked to low self-esteem: that admitting you were wrong feels like an admission that you are a bad person and feels shameful. When I read this explanation it made sense and I went on to tell them it was only a word, not a measure of worth and that saying sorry is freeing and they finally apologised to me. It has massively improved our relationship and if you could chose a time to convey that 'Sorry' is okay to say it may help but if he is not going to ever apologise to you then at least you will have tried to make it work. Take care
Thank you. I have tried this before actually and think it is low self esteem but its top deep rooted for him to see. I have suggested he get some counselling but he says its me thats the problem.
OP posts:
Original poster
Elephantsintheroom · 01/12/2020 21:01

@Porridgeoat

Also you really need to value yourself. I understand it’s important to feel appreciated though
Having some counselling to work on this.
OP posts:
Original poster
Elephantsintheroom · 01/12/2020 21:02

Ok those who are asking (good) questions about my behaviour. Grateful for your input. What can I do to make things better? I feel like I need this hurt acknowledged.

OP posts:
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