No apology after hurtful words

[Elephantsintheroom]

DH has said some things which I have found extremely hurtful.

I struggled after DS was born a few years ago. He was very ill, thought we might lose him (and now has some long term issues). I struggled to bond with him and in the very early days said some things about how I wished he hadn’t been born.

I was unwell. Have had counselling, medication. Took a few months to be ok but now a few years on am in a great place (DS doing well too). Feel proud of myself for getting through it.

In the context of a disagreement, in which I said I didn’t feel appreciated, I said I was sad that DH never said I was a good mum. He said that was because of the things I had said been DS was born. He said that didn’t make me a good mum. I said I knew that wasn’t good, but I was unwell and now I was a good mum in spite of that and would be nice if he could recognise that.

He said maybe I wasn’t unwell, maybe I was iust horrible. He just said I don’t know what you want from me and left the room.

Since then I have said a few times how hurt I feel. But DH has done nothing to try and make me feel better.

DH never apologises for anything so feel I have to learn to live with the fact that’s how he thinks of me, or if he doesn’t he doesn’t care enough to want to make me feel better.

But I’m finding it so hard trying to squash my feeling of hurt down. I have worked hard to forgive myself for how I struggled but this is making it hard.

But I want to make it work.

AIBU to try and squash these feelings down because I know there is no hope for an apology? Or is this a recipe for a disaster?

And its not your job to turn him into a functioning adult, that was his parents job and they failed. My ex's issues all came from his parents too. The only thing I could do was make sure that my children didnt have the same issues, and that was by removing them from the horribly dysfunctional family they were growing up in.

You cant fix someone who is so certain that their normal is the only kind of normal. All you can do is keep your own kids safe from the crazy and let him live his car crash selfish life without the rest of their lives being collateral damage to your need to "fix" him.....

@2020iscancelled

Well it seems that your husband is either

A) malicious
B) emotionally incompetent and a judgemental prick

Malicious because he has purposefully said things which he knows will hurt you.

Or emotionally incompetent because he cannot recognise the difference between trauma, depression / PND and just being “a horrible person” even several years down the line, living day in and day out with the person.

I’m inclined to think it’s A - that he is a nasty piece of work and will say whatever he needs to in order to feel in control, ensuring to damage your self worth and confidence in the process.

He has taken your most vulnerable and traumatic experience and used it against you. Of course he won’t apologise - he’s done it on purpose, people who maliciously hurt others on purpose don’t apologise for it.

This... Sadly.

I'm not sure I'd want to make it work with someone who is telling you what he is... A nasty piece of work...

Do you really want to be with someone who is either malicious or emotionally incompetent....

You deserve so much more than this.

PS I was thinking this is quite narcissitic when I read your original post OP

If you think your husband is a likely narcissist there's some excellent videos on YouTube... Look at channels on narcissism by Dr Les Carter, and Dr Ramani both psychologists.

Several people I know with family members who are undoubted narcs found their stuff really helpful

‘But he’s not a bad person’. I said that soooo many times when I was making excuses for him. What does it even mean? He treated me badly on a regular basis. When we argued he would swear at me and call me names even in front of our children. Does your husband do this ?

In hindsight I can see my ex is not a nice person and only very rarely shows kindness to others when it benefits him and it only takes minimal effort.

Mine was a narcissist too and my family and friends saw it clearer than me which is why I asked about your family. My family and friends wanted what was best for me and they could see it wasn’t being with him. Yours are probably the same.

I agree with Pyong that it takes two people to make a marriage work so as much as you can try you will always struggle because he’s not.

My ex’s parents have a very dysfunctional relationship (she spends all day every day watching tv or gambling away her benefits online and he is either working or at the pub so he doesn’t need to be near her, separate bedrooms, barely speaking etc) and my ex couldn’t see he was repeating their bad habits and sticking his head in the sand any time there was a problem like they do.

It took a long time for me to stop feeling sorry for him and realise that he was choosing to say/do these things. He was so good at making himself out to be a victim any time anyone got annoyed with him. Not just me. I remember him doing it at work when his manager rightly pulled him up on something. He once told me he’d been in a bar and bumped into an ex who said something mean to him so he told her his mum had died that week to make her feel guilty. Does your husband make you feel sorry for him when you get angry with him? Does he twist the situation so you start to doubt what was said?

You may not feel ready or strong enough to end the relationship now but please start planning where you will live, how you will cope financially etc in case it suddenly comes to that.

When my ex and I separated my cousin sent me a brief message saying “you did the right thing. He was never going to change”. Never have truer words been spoken.

He's an utter knob. You had a very sick baby that you were worried about losing and you shared your feelings with the person who should support you the most, and he's told you that maybe you were just horrible. That's not something you can come back from, this man does not care about you to be so utterly, casually cruel.

I'm finding it extremely strange that people are trying to defend your husband here. If, as people have suggested, he is struggling to get over the things you said while your mental state was poor, then he would be telling you, 'Look,I'm really sorry but I'm having a hard time getting over the things you said. I know you're a good mum now and I just need more time'
He isn't saying that. He's being deliberately cruel, and I do think a firm conversation is in order along the lines of: 'If you are unable, or unwilling, to comfort or reassure me and cannot even bring yourself to tell me I'm a good mum, then we do not have a marriage and I suggest you leave'.
That should lay your cards on the table quite plainly for him.
You deserve better than this and I wish you and your son well.

I agree with backforgood.

Honestly if my dh told me he wished our baby hadn't been born I don't think I could truly forgive him. Even rationalising it that he was ill when he said it, I think I wouldn't be able to get pass it.

Perhaps counselling will help him but you should consider that he doesn't see you as that good a mother because he can't get pass that comment made while you were unwell.

Have you ever apologised for those comments? Does he know it was your illness and not your true feelings or does he think you maybe you meant what you said at the time?

I also think he might have a point about lockdown. It can give us too much time to over think things that we can't change.

I think it sounds like he is struggling but doing his best with with a sick baby, a wife who was unwell and that he is trying to work on the relationship and not wanting to argue or hurt you. He just can't fake what he doesn't feel.

You need to decide if you can continue with the relationship on those terms.

@Ivyr0se

I agree with backforgood.

Honestly if my dh told me he wished our baby hadn't been born I don't think I could truly forgive him. Even rationalising it that he was ill when he said it, I think I wouldn't be able to get pass it.

Perhaps counselling will help him but you should consider that he doesn't see you as that good a mother because he can't get pass that comment made while you were unwell.

Have you ever apologised for those comments? Does he know it was your illness and not your true feelings or does he think you maybe you meant what you said at the time?

I also think he might have a point about lockdown. It can give us too much time to over think things that we can't change.

I think it sounds like he is struggling but doing his best with with a sick baby, a wife who was unwell and that he is trying to work on the relationship and not wanting to argue or hurt you. He just can't fake what he doesn't feel.

You need to decide if you can continue with the relationship on those terms.

The baby is not sick or a baby anymore. A few years have passed.

Saying maybe OP wasn't ill,just horrible is a very hurtful thing to say. He wasn't avoiding anything.

Are you telling me that in several years OP did NOTHING,nothing at all that means she could be considered a good mother? It's all about what she said in the first days of the baby being born?

Have you apologised to him for your behaviour. Yes, you were Ill, and, yes, I have every sympathy. But you said these things about his son. And that's how he's looking at it.

I do understand you needing that validation, though. Having children isn't easy (to some).

But I think you need to give yourself a huge pat on the back. You turned things around and you now appreciate and truly love your child (because there was no doubt that you didn't love him before, you were just struggling).

So, as I say, don't apologise for being ill but at least acknowledge that your partner was having a shit time, too.

It seems that, though you've come out the other end, he's 'stuck'.

I hope it works out for you. But don't put up with being 'dissed'.

I have apologised. I feel awful about it.

But I wasn’t myself at the time, I really wasn’t.

Some recent comments have upset me. If someone has PND, does that make it ok for their partner to never be able to say they are a good mum?

@Elephantsintheroom

Some recent comments have upset me. If someone has PND, does that make it ok for their partner to never be able to say they are a good mum?

Out of curiosity OP who is the main carer for DS? You or him?

Me both work but I do more of the childcare

I’m sorry you’ve had some insensitive, judgemental comments, @Elephantsintheroom. Problem is this AIBU where some posters will be very critical regardless of the situation. You could report to MN and ask for it to be moved to mental health or relationships?

@SparklingLime

I’m sorry you’ve had some insensitive, judgemental comments, *@Elephantsintheroom*. Problem is this AIBU where some posters will be very critical regardless of the situation. You could report to MN and ask for it to be moved to mental health or relationships?

Thank you. I wanted to get some different perspectives. Some points about how he may be struggling have been really useful so I am grateful for those. But a couple of recent ones basically saying what I have done is unforgivable is too much. I’m going to bow out now. Thanks for all the support.

You do not have to apologise for being mentally ill, OP. Same way nobody has to apologise for getting cancer. Sure, it's challenging for your partner too, but he's clearly emotionally abusive and has you running in rings seeking his validation which s just the way he wants it. Someone on here recently recommended the book Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft and it's honestly incredible.

Summary: it's not you, it's him. He won't change, so cut your losses and run or stay and put up with this and more like it still to come.

They are wrong, @Elephantsintheroom, any decent health professional would tell you that. From what you’ve said you did not harm or neglect your son - you shared some extremely difficult feelings with your DH. He now chooses to throw that back in your face. That is inevitably very painful for you.

@Elephantsintheroom

Me both work but I do more of the childcare

Of course you do. I was sure you'd say that.

Funny how someone "horrible" is fit to undertake most of the child rearing responsibilities isn't it?

It's all a pule of bullshit love. You pulled him up on his behaviour and he's hurt you to shut you up. That's what it is.

Of course you do the greater part of childcare.

He's far too busy being a nasty judgemental prick to do his share.

You sound like a great woman and mother.

Protect yourself from the nasty prick you have married.

Certainly look at going it alone.
I would imagine living with such nastiness must be very hard on your mental health.

If its helpful, my ex husband said similar things to me and is now an ex.

Nothing half as traumatic as what you have experienced: he got very frustrated with me after the birth because he thought I was failing to soothe her properly and preventing him from getting enough sleep. He also blamed me for the fact that she has asthma (even though he was the one who smoked in the house).

I asked him repeatedly in the first few years of my DD's life if he thought I was a good mother and he said several times he thought I could do much better.

It wasn't the only thing I couldn't get past but let's just say it was a pattern of malicious and unpleasant behaviour that showed he took advantage of the feelings of extreme vulnerability I had after having a baby to make himself feel superior to me.

I personally couldn't get past this: to me supporting the other spouse in childrearing is absolutely critical. You went through a horrendously traumatic situation and for him to be using that against you suggests you will never really be able to trust him.