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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not invite her to my wedding

77 replies

HedgehogintheFog · 30/11/2020 10:22

I have a friendship group from university: three women I am very close to, one I get on well with but don't interact with much outside the group, and the one I'm wondering about here. This woman and I used to be close, but I was struggling with the fact that she really lacked empathy and failed to support me in numerous respects, leaving me quite upset on a number of occasions. I never addressed this directly, but contact sort of tapered off on both parts about four-five years ago and I haven't reached out to her since. She is in our group chat and I see her occasionally at group meet-ups.

I am getting married next year and, Covid-permitting, would like to invite all these women except her to my wedding. However, I am worried that she will then refuse to attend group meet-ups with me, and force the others to 'choose' between up.

YABU: Invite her to keep the peace, she's just one person
YANBU: She's not a friend, don't invite her

OP posts:
Original poster
HedgehogintheFog · 30/11/2020 10:23

*between us [not up]

OP posts:
BrumBoo · 30/11/2020 10:26

If you're a 'group' then it will cause issues if you don't invite her but do the others. It may not be just her who falls out with you if they deem it petty. Obviously, you may have to keep an eye on numbers, but I cant see it ending well if you only exclude her regardless.

formerbabe · 30/11/2020 10:30

If she's been actively unpleasant towards you then leave her out.

If its just that she hasn't supported you then I'd invite her to keep the peace.

ReasonablyUnreasonable · 30/11/2020 10:34

Could you just invite her to the ceremony but nothing else? I don't think you should have to invite people just because they are part of the group, if they haven't been particularly pleasant to you.

(Having said that, I now seem to be in a position where everyone I work with thinks they are coming to my wedding, and I now feel obliged to invite them all!!)

Zoecarter · 30/11/2020 10:46

If covid numbers permit I can’t see how you could not invite her.

In the U.K. @ReasonablyUnreasonable it’s traditional to invite only to the reception maybe evening only not just ceremony.

pastandpresent · 30/11/2020 10:57

Just because you don't get along with her personally, it would be horrible to exclude her if you are in the same group of people and want to carry on being in that friendship group.
You know what will cause, so if that's what you want to happen, then go ahead and not invite. Otherwise, inviting everyone from small friendship group sounds better than causing drama, unless you really hate her and can't stand seeing her on your wedding day.

JustAnotherUserinParadise · 30/11/2020 11:02

Is she still friends with the rest of the group? That's the important thing here. Would your group chat all be talking about it and it'd then be clear that she'd been left out?

I had similar with my uni friends - one person who had seen some of the others of our group, but I hadn't seen him for a couple of years. But he's a nice guy and we always got on. - he got an invite (but not his girlfriend who we'd never met).
Another girl - nobody in the group had heard anything from her for a couple of years - not invited.

Meraas · 30/11/2020 11:05

No way would I invite her. She sounds horrible, don't reward bad behaviour with an invite to your wedding.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 30/11/2020 11:17

It would be a pretty major thing to invite all the group and not her, it would be a definite statement and be taken as such by them all. Be prepared for a lot of fallout and for others to possibly think you are being quite mean to her, and for various people in the group to fall out.

Personally I would not put my other friends in this position. I would also think seriously about how the woman will react—is she really that heartless that she won’t be upset?

littlepeas · 30/11/2020 11:21

Tbh it would be pretty unkind of you not to invite her. You’re saying she has no empathy but not showing a great deal of it yourself in this situation. There were people I had never met before at my wedding (partners of DH’s friends) - it’s important to think if the comfort of your guests. It sounds like you will create an awkward situation amongst your friends if you don’t invite her.

NoPainNoTartine · 30/11/2020 11:25

it also depends on the size of your wedding. I had a rather large one, so 1 more person wouldn't have made any difference frankly. If you have a small gathering of 20, then it's different!

For peace and quiet, I would probably invite her. You won't see much of her anyway.

Or you can do that awful 2 or 3 tier invitation ladder some people love so much, don't invite any to the actual wedding, just invite the group in the evening.

TheCrowsHaveEyes · 30/11/2020 11:25

As PPs have said, it isn't just about you and this woman. You're putting your friends into an awkward situation. Perhaps think of her invitation like a +1 of one of your friends. We often don't know +1s. We might not even like them but it doesn't matter because their purpose is to make our friends feel happier. You will impact on your friend group's enjoyment of the wedding if you miss one of them out.

flaviaritt · 30/11/2020 11:26

If numbers permit, invite her. She’s an old friend and weddings for groups of old friends are nice social occasions. You won’t spend much time with her if you have 60+ guests.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/11/2020 11:35

I do think you probably have to invite her.

Unless she's been actively horrible to you then she's part of the group, actively, and it would be unreasonable and divisive to leave her out now. But don't allow her a plus one - she'll be with the rest of your group anyway (unless you're having them all as bridesmaids??) - and keep your fingers crossed that she decides it's too much faff.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 30/11/2020 11:36

Being in a group chat doesn't define a wedding list.

Will your wedding be expensive per head? Will you struggle to keep numbers manageable? If so, do not invite her.

Could you have a private conversation with the person you are closest to / trust most in the group, and get a sense from them as to how disruptive it would be to the group as a whole?

Sally872 · 30/11/2020 11:38

If she is in the group and just someone you are not as close to rather than someone who is rude/unkind then I would invite her. Awkward for everyone otherwise.

AndwhenyougetthereFoffsomemore · 30/11/2020 11:39

Hummm, think I agree with everyone else, based on your description, which sounds like she's been a bit thoughtless, rather than actively been unpleasant to you? I think it will put your friendship group in a VERY difficult position, and is bound to lead to fall out (& make them see you differently: this is you taking the initiative to exclude her, basically). I think you could ask the three you are closest to, and leave the other two out, and claim pressure on numbers at a push, but asking all four and excluding one seems harsh.

Nancydrawn · 30/11/2020 11:40

How big will the wedding be? 15 people, YANBU; 75 people, YABU; 150 people, YABVU.

Flowerpot345 · 30/11/2020 11:40

I would invite her, doesn't seem alot has happened between you to leave her out.
I agree with PP about you would be unkind not to.

brilliotic · 30/11/2020 11:41

Perhaps see it from the other side?

I have a friendship group like this, where some of us are really close whereas others amongst us only really see oneanother at group meetings.

One woman in this group, who I am not close to, had a 'big' event, and invited me along with all the rest of the group. To be honest, I was a little surprised! I would not have minded one little bit not to be invited. I guess that's because no-one is pretending that we are all equally close. I did go to the celebration and had a great time, but would not have been surprised, offended or sad if I hadn't been invited.

If on the other hand, everyone is holding up a pretense that all of you are equally close friends, then excluding one of them whilst inviting the others would be awkward, as it would be revealing that the equal-closeness is not true, but rather just a pretense. The question then is, do you want to keep up this pretense (in which case you must invite her) or are you happy for this pretense to be shattered (and you to be the one to shatter it), in which case you need to expect some re-arranging and shuffling of the social hierarchy within the group (which currently is pretend-flat), and in that context, some 'taking sides' too.

TuttiFrutti · 30/11/2020 11:43

Invite her. it will cause hurt and embarrassment if you don't.

Figgygal · 30/11/2020 11:43

I would invite I think it would cause massive fallout if you didn’t
Is it worth it?

Glitterandmud · 30/11/2020 11:44

If you're asking the rest of the group then just ask her, you'll hardly see her. She might not accept if she feels the same about you, attending weddings is expensive!

KiposWonderbeasts · 30/11/2020 11:48

You’ll kill off the group if you don’t invite her.

Fairyliz · 30/11/2020 11:51

What sort of support were you expecting from her and were your expectations reasonable?
For example I have a group of friends who I have known for over 30 years. When my mum died they all phoned me and sent a card. I wouldn’t expect any more than that . If one of them hadn’t, I wouldn’t have fallen out with them.