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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to not invite her to my wedding

77 replies

HedgehogintheFog · 30/11/2020 10:22

I have a friendship group from university: three women I am very close to, one I get on well with but don't interact with much outside the group, and the one I'm wondering about here. This woman and I used to be close, but I was struggling with the fact that she really lacked empathy and failed to support me in numerous respects, leaving me quite upset on a number of occasions. I never addressed this directly, but contact sort of tapered off on both parts about four-five years ago and I haven't reached out to her since. She is in our group chat and I see her occasionally at group meet-ups.

I am getting married next year and, Covid-permitting, would like to invite all these women except her to my wedding. However, I am worried that she will then refuse to attend group meet-ups with me, and force the others to 'choose' between up.

YABU: Invite her to keep the peace, she's just one person
YANBU: She's not a friend, don't invite her

OP posts:
CallmeAngelina · 30/11/2020 12:00

I can understand you feeling this way, but I think the ensuing fallout (amongst the group, with possible 'sides' being taken) means it would probably be better to just suck it up and invite her. You're not exactly going to be spending the whole day exchanging confidences and braiding each other's hair.

Wiredforsound · 30/11/2020 12:01

I’d suck it up and invite her. Is she likely to stump up for a decent gift so you’ll at least cover your costs?

GrumpyHoonMain · 30/11/2020 12:03

Things like this can turn back on you so fast. You may find if you exclude her even the friends you’re close to may then find a way to support her, and you could find yourself with no friends at all. It’s best to invite them all for the sake of one person - if you guys don’t get on then she’ll probably just say no anyway.

user1493413286 · 30/11/2020 12:04

If you don’t invite her then I’d expect that you won’t be able to meet up as a group any more and it may be that the others meet up without you as well as vice versa so it depends how important meeting up all together is to you.

YoniAndGuy · 30/11/2020 12:07

I'd invite her.

It could well end up being more trouble than it's worth for you.

I also think that if you had an issue with her lack of support, which is totally fair enough, you should stick with your decision at the time - which was to not confront her but to move on.

It seems a bit petty and also cowardly to not have it out at the time if you have an issue, but to 'revenge' yourself much later in this way. It isn't revenge, I do see where you're coming from - but that's how it will come across!

Easier to invite her.

Hoppinggreen · 30/11/2020 12:11

What has she actually done? Doesn’t sound awful, she just didn’t react in the way you wanted. Maybe she isn’t nice and/or doesn’t like you or maybe she can’t be arsed with your drama
Hard to say based on the info given

Maybe83 · 30/11/2020 12:12

I would invite her. Especially as you haven't even addressed with her why you feel how you do. She may have no idea she has upset you.

In group dynamics there are always people who are closer but there is still a level of friendships between everyone especially in such a small group. You will also put your other friends in a really awkward position.

Mittens030869 · 30/11/2020 12:16

I suspect it will be hard not to invite this ‘friend’, as she is part of your group of friends. It could easily lead to a falling out within the group. I understand why you’re reluctant to invite her, but you would be potentially putting your other friends in a difficult position if she makes a fuss about it.

HeddaGarbled · 30/11/2020 12:17

It’s mean to leave out one person from a friendship group.

Rachie1973 · 30/11/2020 12:18

I think you would be pushing the others into a ‘her or me’ situation.

I think you’d come out of missing a few friends who would see it as petty.

BuggerationFlavouredCrisps · 30/11/2020 12:22

OP, when you say she lacked empathy and didn’t support you, did you ask for specific support or just expect her to read your mind? If you did that with me, you’d be waiting a very long time as I wouldn’t ever pick up the cues.

I don’t automatically say or do the things that others sometimes expect because it doesn’t come natural to me. I’m in my 50’s and it’s only been in the last few years that I fully appreciated just how differently some women think to the way I think. It used to really puzzle me when female bosses used to treat me differently to the male team leaders because they expected me to be more like them and I could never work out what I’d done wrong.

Just become someone doesn’t make the right noises (in your opinion), doesn’t automatically mean that they’re unkind.

For the sake of group harmony, I think you should invite her.

PigsInHeaven · 30/11/2020 12:22

@KiposWonderbeasts

You’ll kill off the group if you don’t invite her.
I think this is likely to be true, so factor in the demise of the group, which is clearly valuable to you, before deciding.

I'm also wondering exactly what you mean when you say she 'lacked empathy' and 'failed to support you', leaving you upset, but you didn't address it directly? I find on Mn often some ideas that are quite alien to me about the frequency of 'checking-in' messages and what exactly constitutes expected levels of support.

Swingometer · 30/11/2020 12:22

I would invite her OP

If you don't then it will make things very awkward for the other mutual friends

If her behaviour hasn't been bad enough for you to stop socialising with her then is it really worth the drama for the sake of one less person at your wedding?

ChloeCrocodile · 30/11/2020 12:23

If a good friend has done something to upset you and you never tell them you haven't given them the opportunity to explain or apologise. It might be that she was just thoughtless, or that she had her own crap to deal with and wasn't up to supporting you at the time. Or it might be that she's a callous woman who doesn't give two hoots about you. But if you've never mentioned it you really don't know which so it is harsh to punish her for it. And deliberately leaving out one member of a group is punishing them.

I also think it is just not worth the fall out if you don't invite her tbh. Do the rest of the "group" know how you feel about the one person? I'd be shocked if any of my friends left out one member of our group, especially if I weren't even aware of any bad feeling.

LindaEllen · 30/11/2020 12:26

I have a sort of similar situation with a group of us from uni, however I've made the decision that she will be invited. She has no partner so will only take up one seat, and at a wedding reception your interaction with each guest is minimal.

If she's specifically done something bad against you then that's another matter, but if it's just that she's not as supportive as the others then I would, given she's in the group and you all have a group chat together, invite her if you can.

Strictlysilly · 30/11/2020 12:27

Its your wedding only have who you want there

Happyheartlovelife · 30/11/2020 12:35

I got married not long ago. Someone said to me. Invite who you want too. I didn’t want to invite my stepmother. But I was told it would be awful not too

I really wish I’d listened to the person who said invite who you want. It was horrific. I wish I’d stood up to her. She made me have a massive fall out. I have a few not so great memories now.

So I say don’t. It’s your wedding. Do it how you want too.

OVienna · 30/11/2020 12:35

I checked YANBU. But it is a bit hard to judge the degree to which it might cause controversy from what you've said. I understood that by this stage you are not really personally in touch and haven't been for four to five years but only have sporadic contact when the rest of the group is meeting, but that you are still in regular contact with the other two. Do you think she'd even be that bothered about attending?

GlummyMcGlummerson · 30/11/2020 12:36

YANBI invite who you like but be prepared for the kick off that may follow

EmeraldShamrock · 30/11/2020 12:40

Some people don't have a lot of empathy or find it difficult to be supportive if she isn't rude or cruel towards you I'd except it is how she is.
It is a bit petty to leave her out if you're all in it together.
Yes it will cause a rift.

FelicityPike · 30/11/2020 12:41

Invite her, she might not go but it saves you looking like the rude ignorant one.

jacks11 · 30/11/2020 12:51

I think it depends on how close to the rest of the group you are and want to continue to be. I think excluding one person (even if you have your reasons) has the potential to cause awkwardness amongst the group. As the person causing it, this might lead to negative repercussions for you (depending on how close to the others she is)- e.g. you might be seen as being petty or trying to engineer a general exclusion of one person who you have appeared to be able to rub along well enough with for a long time. It does seem like your tolerance was a pretence, so what else might you do later along the line to someone else? Not saying that IS your intention, just that it could be perceived that way.

Excluding one member of the group may also lead to a change in group dynamic- again that may or may not be to your detriment, depending on how close to you the other people in the group are, when compared to her. Or how they feel about excluding people. It’s a risk, but how big a risk is largely dependent on the strength of each relationship.

I think that if you have a very small wedding, you might be able to blame it on numbers. But you would have to keep your discussions about the wedding in the group chat to a minimum, or you’ll be rubbing it in her face on quite an obvious and unpleasant way.

In general, though, I agree with YoniAndGuy- you may not be close with this woman but you have maintained a quasi-friendship with her via the group and have not expressed your feelings about the past. To then exclude her alone from the group could be seen as vindictive (even if not your intention). As you chose not to deal with how you felt about her actions at the time and since then have chosen to remain in contact- albeit with a distant friendship on an individual level, but a closer one as part of the friendship group (if I have read it correctly)- it does run the risk of coming across as though you’ve been “keeping your wrath warm” and have now got an opportunity to make it known. You should probably have kept your distance or continued to honour the decision you made to maintain a friendship of sorts.

It would be fine not to invite her in other circumstances- if you weren’t in a friendship group- but excluding one person does come across as unkind. It might be more palatable to your other friends if they knew how you felt about her- do they?

If I put myself in the position of your mutual friends, I might understand your reasons if I knew about how you felt about her- but if I didn’t I’d probably think you were being unpleasant and trying to play queen-bee by excluding her and that would negatively affect my perception of you.

If I did know how you felt, it would be more understandable- though unless she’d done something actively horrible (as opposed to not being as supportive as you’d have hoped) I would still think “why make it an issue now, after all this time, and keep a pretence of friendship of sorts?”. I’d feel a bit awkward about the situation and would be a bit irritated that it would be likely make group meetings with you AND her difficult going forward. Which changes the group dynamic quite a bit and make it all a lot more effort to get together.

You run the risk of you being the one left out, as you were the one causing the issue. So we might see you individually, but group meets might fizzle out.

Think carefully- if you really cannot stand to have her there, then don’t. But if you do that, you need to be prepared for the awkwardness that is likely to follow. Only you can decide if it is worth the risk.

Butchyrestingface · 30/11/2020 12:58

This woman and I used to be close, but I was struggling with the fact that she really lacked empathy and failed to support me in numerous respects, leaving me quite upset on a number of occasions.

Impossible to say really without more detail on what this entails.

If you have no contact with the woman other than in passing at mutual friends' get togethers then no, in principle, I don't think you should have to invite her. Especially if Covid restrictions are still driving the guest numbers down when you marry.

However, realistically, like PP I think you will potentially torpedo the friendship group if you do this.

HedgehogintheFog · 30/11/2020 13:01

I think the consensus is I should invite her. This was my initial reaction, but DP is very much against it, knowing how much stress and upset she has caused me. Plus, I certainly would not expect to be invited to her wedding or any other party/event.

This is pretty outing, but I'm fairly sure she's not on Mumsnet!

A lot of people are asking what she did, but it's more a case of lots of little things adding up. I made a lot of sacrifices to visit and support her when she was suffering with her mental health, but whenever I asked her to visit me or even just to make time for a phonecall there was always an excuse - even when my mother was diagnosed cancer. In fact, she completely ignored all my messages for about six months whilst my mum was going through chemo because (according to other friend) she 'didn't know what to say'. (My mum has been in remission for two years now.)

Another of the women in our group has been struggling with fertility issues (known to all of us), but this woman spent a day out with her going on about how environmentally irresponsible it was to have children and mentioned why she thought IVF was wrong for this reason (her own strong belief, and definitely not a misguided attempt to make friend feel better about failed IVF).

To be honest, we are not super close as a group, and tend to socialise more in smaller groups - only one person ever suggests group plans, and I suspect it's because the rest of us don't want to include this woman, but no one feels strongly enough to address it and cause an argument!

OP posts:
VetiverAndLavender · 30/11/2020 13:03

I can't see how it wouldn't cause awkwardness. You probably don't know how everyone else in the group views the situation with you two. Some of them may think you're being petty if you single out one person to not invite. Maybe the group is slowly fizzling, anyway, but if not, this could make things deteriorate more quickly. The group might splinter, and there's no knowing how the dynamics might change.

For me, it would depend on how many people I was able to invite (one more in a large group will barely be noticed) and how bitter things between you have been (I wouldn't want to invite someone I actively disliked or who had hurt me deeply).

If you're close enough to some of them, maybe you could ask their opinion in confidence, though even doing that might be enough to change how they perceive you. It really depends on the relationships.

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