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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not invite her to my wedding

77 replies

HedgehogintheFog · 30/11/2020 10:22

I have a friendship group from university: three women I am very close to, one I get on well with but don't interact with much outside the group, and the one I'm wondering about here. This woman and I used to be close, but I was struggling with the fact that she really lacked empathy and failed to support me in numerous respects, leaving me quite upset on a number of occasions. I never addressed this directly, but contact sort of tapered off on both parts about four-five years ago and I haven't reached out to her since. She is in our group chat and I see her occasionally at group meet-ups.

I am getting married next year and, Covid-permitting, would like to invite all these women except her to my wedding. However, I am worried that she will then refuse to attend group meet-ups with me, and force the others to 'choose' between up.

YABU: Invite her to keep the peace, she's just one person
YANBU: She's not a friend, don't invite her

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 30/11/2020 13:04

I still don’t see how she has caused you “so much stress and upset”.
I get that she’s a bit uncaring and insensitive but she hasn’t actually done anything to you has she?

Creepertime · 30/11/2020 13:05

Off your update I’d say don’t invite her

Mumdiva99 · 30/11/2020 13:07

It's your day. Invite who you want. I was tight with numbers and couldn't invite some people i actually like (and no... there were no plus ones). I have lost one friend because of it, but it was an old friend who had moved back recently. While she was away we didn't keep in touch. It's sad as I like her....but you can't invite everybody.

CescaNicole · 30/11/2020 13:25

It's YOUR wedding so you invite who you want to be there to share your special day. If your other friends don't like it or get awkward well then leave the group and whoever is a true friend will stick around and understand.

I hate how weddings are often about pleasing everyone else, life is too short - do what YOU want to do and have a lovely day.

I didnt invite some of my own family members to my wedding day 😅

WeAllHaveWings · 30/11/2020 13:37

@Hoppinggreen

I still don’t see how she has caused you “so much stress and upset”. I get that she’s a bit uncaring and insensitive but she hasn’t actually done anything to you has she?
I agree with this.

But also, if you never talk to her unless you meet up as a full group occasionally, just say you wish you could invite everyone you know to your wedding but you are restricted in numbers so only inviting very close friends you see often or 1-1. Don't mention who is and isn't getting invites. If you have a full group meet up avoid/turn the conversation away from wedding talk. It really isn't that big a deal if you explain it that way.

Anothertiredmother · 30/11/2020 13:43

Usually it’s not cheep per head for food, canapés and drinks at weddings. It’s your wedding and you should feel free to have the people there who mean the most to you. Don’t invite anyone out of guilt. And if the others judge you for it then that doesn’t reflect well on them as friends. You shouldn’t have to explain your actions to anyone. Also I assume there is a limit to how many people you can invite in terms of space and budget, if you invite her it might come at the expense of someone you actually want to attend not being able to.

Mittens030869 · 30/11/2020 13:52

Having read the update, I've changed my position here. She doesn't sound at all nice. Having been through infertility, and one unsuccessful IVF cycle, it would have really upset me to hear her pontificate about how irresponsible it is to have children blah blah. She sounds very self-absorbed.

PigsInHeaven · 30/11/2020 13:53

A lot of people are asking what she did, but it's more a case of lots of little things adding up. I made a lot of sacrifices to visit and support her when she was suffering with her mental health, but whenever I asked her to visit me or even just to make time for a phonecall there was always an excuse - even when my mother was diagnosed cancer. In fact, she completely ignored all my messages for about six months whilst my mum was going through chemo because (according to other friend) she 'didn't know what to say'. (My mum has been in remission for two years now.)

Honestly, OP, this is a case of not giving more than you can afford emotionally. You say yourself you made a lot of sacrifices for her sake -- expecting someone with her own MH issues to make equivalent sacrifices in return, and resenting it when they can't or don't, is often just not a productive way to conduct friendships. If she didn't contact you for six months, I'd be assuming she had her own problems at the time, and a lot of people are just dreadful when dealing with crises. It wouldn't be my ultimate test of friendship.

Another of the women in our group has been struggling with fertility issues (known to all of us), but this woman spent a day out with her going on about how environmentally irresponsible it was to have children and mentioned why she thought IVF was wrong for this reason (her own strong belief, and definitely not a misguided attempt to make friend feel better about failed IVF).

But this was her behaving thoughtlessly to your friend, not to you. You can't co-opt someone else's distress as a reason not to invite someone to your wedding, especially if neither your unhappily childless friend nor you have ever actually addressed her behaviour with the mutual friend, or the friend hasn't said 'Please don't invite X, I can't handle seeing her.'

Original poster
HedgehogintheFog · 30/11/2020 13:59

I think self-absorbed is quite accurate.

I missed a job interview (luckily I was able rearrange, but it wasn't a given) and dropped everything to go and help her in a mental health crisis, but she wouldn't even answer the phone to me when I wanted to discuss what I was going through.

I've decided to broach the subject with each of the other people in the group separately and see what they say. As it's a 50-50 split on the votes, it's obviously not completely unreasonable, so I think I need to give it some more thought.

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 30/11/2020 14:06

She probably is self-absorbed due to her MH. I'm not excusing her thoughtless rant to your DF about DC.
Many people with MH issues don't have the capacity to help others when they're vulnerable it isn't great when you need her.
She may be on medication for her MH it can distance you from real life big time.

Hoppinggreen · 30/11/2020 14:33

Also OP you seem to give a lot emotionally, not everyone wants to it even can.
I think doing a poll on it in the group is a bit nasty to be honest.

wheretonow123 · 30/11/2020 14:41

Reading what you have said here, I fully understand why you are so upset but mental health isues manifest in so many ways (though can be an excuse also!)

However, I think you should invite her and be done with it. She may not attend and may not invite you in future but this gesture may help her relationship with you and the others.

liveitwell · 30/11/2020 14:44

If you hate her, don't invite her.

If you don't mind her just not particularly close then I would invite her given you're inviting everyone else. It'll look bitchy if you don't.

liveitwell · 30/11/2020 14:49

@HedgehogintheFog

I think self-absorbed is quite accurate.

I missed a job interview (luckily I was able rearrange, but it wasn't a given) and dropped everything to go and help her in a mental health crisis, but she wouldn't even answer the phone to me when I wanted to discuss what I was going through.

I've decided to broach the subject with each of the other people in the group separately and see what they say. As it's a 50-50 split on the votes, it's obviously not completely unreasonable, so I think I need to give it some more thought.

This is a VERY bad idea. If you decide to invite her after speaking to them, they all know you don't really want to. So the atmosphere will be very strange on the day.

It's not their wedding.

How old are you OP? I get the feeling you're quite young. If so, then please know that shit stirring between friends only looks bad on the stirrer. You will look like a bitch.

Just decide what you want and do it. You don't sound like you want her there and all and from your comments I've just read, you sound like you actively dislike her. So don't invite her. If others ask why, then just say you've lost contact and have restricted spaces. No need to turn it into a bitchfest.

Mittens030869 · 30/11/2020 14:49

Yes it will be because of her MH issues that she's self-absorbed. But, speaking as someone who has my own MH issues, it isn't an excuse and you can't go round upsetting people and not face consequences somewhere down the line.

I don't think it's a good idea to involve your friends in this decision, though. It's yours alone. If it was me, I probably would invite her, thinking about it, because I wouldn't want my special day to be marred by a falling out within a group of friends who I'd known for a long time.

Have any of you ever told her how she makes you feel with her lack of empathy? If you haven't, it's possible that she really doesn't know.

Original poster
HedgehogintheFog · 30/11/2020 14:50

@Hoppinggreen

Also OP you seem to give a lot emotionally, not everyone wants to it even can. I think doing a poll on it in the group is a bit nasty to be honest.
Oh gosh no I would not do a poll in the group!

I would speak to each person individually, sensitively explain the reasons why I may not invite her, and see if they would be upset by it! If one person would be very upset that would override any indifference from others.

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 30/11/2020 14:52

Pick a couple of ladies in the group and ask their opinion. They are likely to put themselves in your shoes and suggest to not invite her. It means that if you don’t invite her they already have an opinion on what is right and wrong and whose side to take. Make sure it’s more than one friend whose opinion you ask though. One person being a lone support is not enough.

Hoppinggreen · 30/11/2020 14:54

I wasn’t suggesting you were doing an actual poll
I still think it’s divisive and a bit nasty if the worst thing she has done is disappoint you.
Can you imagine if someone tells her “Hedgehog was asking everyone if she should invite you to her wedding or not”?
Make your own decision, it’s your wedding

pastandpresent · 30/11/2020 15:00

Agree with Hopping, make your own decision. If you ask others, it may make you feel less guilty for not inviting if you decided not to. But yeah, if you think about it, few of the friends on friendship group decided not to invite one person, that sounds really nasty.

Lonoxo · 30/11/2020 19:11

I wouldn’t invite her. My OH wasn’t invited to a wedding for a person he was in a group friendship with. It was a bit of a surprise seeing as other friends who the groom had known for a shorter period of time were invited. We took it on the chin as it’s his wedding, he can invite who he wants. We didn’t invite him to our wedding. We still met up as a group every now and then but no friendship outside of the group.

Fudgsicles · 30/11/2020 21:07

It's your wedding, not a friendship group event. You invite the people who you want to celebrate with. I wouldn't invite her and if the subject did come up, state numbers are restricted due to COVID and you and her aren't close.

CJsGoldfish · 30/11/2020 21:10

I've decided to broach the subject with each of the other people in the group separately and see what they say
This is actually worse than anything she has done. You're effectively pitching for her exclusion.
You mentioned being worried it would cause people to choose sides but you seem to have no issue preempting a split by putting your case forward. It's not a good look.

WeAllHaveWings · 01/12/2020 06:47

I would speak to each person individually, sensitively explain the reasons why I may not invite her,

Terrible idea

Ijustreallywantacat · 01/12/2020 07:06

I would speak to each person individually, sensitively explain the reasons why I may not invite her

This is bitchy and makes you look much worse than her. How hurt she would be if she found out.

Just own your decision and stop trying to disperse the blame. Personally I think it would be far better for your group if you invited her but it is YOUR choice.

Cheeseismymiddlename · 01/12/2020 07:44

New group chat without her but don’t cover up the fact the others are invited. You don’t owe her an explanation.
Ask the others to keep wedding chat off your uni group chat . I think it’s fine doing it this way so long as it isn’t treated as sneaky. Just a separate subjects.
This will hopefully maintain the group friendship for the Benefit of all, including her.