To think my life's on hold for no valid reason?

[waitinggame108]

To cut a long storey short my DP lives in my house that I bought, two bed terrace. He has a flat he rents out. We split everything and are equal financially. We've been together 6 years and plan to sell both and buy a big place together.

I would move now if the right house came up, but willing to wait up to 6-9 months.

• We have outgrew this house for size
• Want to TTC and want to have moved before attempting this
• Want a old house and don't like current area.

My DP wants to stay put for 2 more years, I know part of this is financial but also he sees it as two more years of us being "free" with low expenses and child free.

I feel like I'm just constantly clock watching wanting the next unknown amount of time to blow over so we can move. I've tried having this conversation but he is such a literal thinker "but we'll have more budget" is his thinking.
But I'm bloody well unhappy here is my response.

I don't know how to shake this feeling and just enjoy the relatively easy life we have at the moment and I don't know if I'm being unreasonable as we're bickering over a period of 12-24 months when we'll have 10's of years in the new house?

He knows I want to get married at some point.

What did he say to that? Was it: "I want that too - in five years of so and I will keep dropping hints about rings every six months or so to keep your happy. You mustn't ask me first, because I'm a traditionalist and I think the man should propose, by way of a grand gesture that takes a long time to plan. However, this cannot happen until such time that we have lots of spare money for the big, white, perfect wedding that you deserve!"

Sorry, I think I've read too much AIBU...

I get his point really, sometimes it's nice to just enjoy what you have and be content rather than constantly working on the next thing.

Maybe you could compromise and meet in the middle. Wait one year not two.

Having said that, things often take longer than expected when it comes to moving house and TTC, we had no a very easy situation and it still took us 18 months to move, from first starting to look at houses to getting the keys.

Want two or three kids but planning starting TTC aged 33? Right...

His reasoning doesn’t make sense. Does he not realise that the extra £10k he will have in savings will be far less than the property you want to buy will have gone up in value in 2 years.

We had a similar discussion on whether we should stay in our current house or move now. We decided for us it was better to stay but that’s because we can save significantly more than £10k. It’s not worth staying for £10k.

He either isn’t sure he wants kids with you or he doesn’t fully understand the timeframe for fertility.

Honestly I would call his bluff. I would tell him that you are happy to wait to move house but you might as well start trying for a baby now. See what he says.

If will probably say that he is enjoying having no kids but you need to press him for a deadline for trying for a baby and say that the house won’t delay trying for you. regardless of the house you want to start trying in the next 2 years.

He doesn't want kids. Doesn't want to move either. He's got money coming in and no real commitment to you.

It took me six years to conceive from the age of 30. I'm almost 40 now and I won't be having more, though I used to think I'd like 3. I'm too tired, too many complications with getting pregnant and being pregnant. Getting pregnant on a timeline isn't guaranteed.

No matter what, make sure you marry before you make any major commitments with this guy.

If you want 2 or 3 kids you should start conceiving now. You’ll figure out the details about house move as life goes on. It’s perfectly fine to have a baby in a 2 bed house, it’s up to you how much special baby clutter you get. Honestly they don’t need much. My almost 2 year old still sleeps in our room and we don’t leave her alone during the day, no need for her own room yet. (we’ve moved 3 times in less than 2 years. We’re about to make another move next year and she’ll have her own room from when she’s 2,5years old.)
I’m not going to comment on the relationship just really wanted to say that lack of space is not a problem in your case.

Don't necessarily jump to asking for more commitment because it is quite possible he'll marry you to stop you talking about your plans with the house and starting a family.

Marriage to him at this stage is risky if you are the higher earner. It means by the time he finally admits, when you're 37, he doesn't want a family with you, you would come off worse than if you never married.

He may well want 2 or 3 children. The proposed timescales are not particularly compatible with having them with you. Very optimistic.

I'd suggest that you get married during this waiting period. His reaction will allow him to demonstrate (or not) his commitment, and it needn't be expensive.

He pays half the cost of living at yours but keeps all the rent on his flat? How is this equal?

Sit down with him and be clear on what you want and on what is fair financially and emotionally for both of you. But if he has been keeping all the rental on the flat for himself, then you get to keep the full price of the house sale if you split up and you choose to move on.

I'd be careful about marriage. If you're the one with greater assets/better income, then you need to be as sure as you can be about the relationship's future.

"I feel like everyone around me in buying their long term homes or having babies and I'm stuck watching them live the life I want"

Comparison is the thief of joy. It sounds like you've hit 30 and now want to crack on hitting milestones in your life plan; sorry if that sounds harsh but I was a bit similar myself looking back.

You both have your own thoughts about what to do with the next two years of your lives; can you turn that into something you both build as a plan together?

I think you should have a really honest and open conversation with your partner. If you guys can't both listen, take the other persons views on board and compromise to some extent for each other, then this isn't for the long term.

Also - waiting to TTC could mean a lot more future stress so the timeline and plan mag also need to shuffle if you absolutely want kids.

Good luck OP - hope you guys work it out x

@Dontbeme

DP lives in my house that I bought, two bed terrace. He has a flat he rents out. We split everything and are equal financially

Does that mean he gives you half of his rental income from the flat he owns plus bills at yours, or does he pay rent and half the bills at yours? Is he living relatively cheaply at yours while building an asset in his name only, have you protected yourself from him claiming on your home financially in the case of a split?

Sorry for the questions OP, you don't have to answer on here but the answers may help you reflect on where your relationship is (or is not) going. At 35 and after 6 years I would imagine he knows what he wants, whether he is honestly sharing that with you is another matter.

I was in a long relationship (over 15 years) with a guy, lived together and making plans for the future and everytime it got to something he did not want with me the answer was always "next year or the year after" when he didn't want to admit the truth. I am not 40 no kids or marriage, so as my name suggests don't be me.

^ THIS!!

@Labobo

He pays half the cost of living at yours but keeps all the rent on his flat? How is this equal?

Sit down with him and be clear on what you want and on what is fair financially and emotionally for both of you. But if he has been keeping all the rental on the flat for himself, then you get to keep the full price of the house sale if you split up and you choose to move on.

OP has repeatedly said he gives her half the rent on the flat, and pays half the bills in the house they live in.

Men vs women. He has endless time, you know you don't.
Can you compromise by TTC where you are? It can take time, and even if it doesn't you really don't need much stuff or space for a newborn

@HotSince63 Not necessarily - some blokes would just put it off endlessly if they could get away with it. They just need to agree on a timetable that suits them both. If he refuses, that would suggest that he's not committed, but I don't think OP needs to write him off yet.

OP please don’t take your fertility as given, you may find that you have to TTC for some years.
My DH was a bit like yours but we were younger,so thought fertility not an issue.
We ended up having a few sessions of couples therapy to both get our points heard. From there we were able to both be more flexible and get married, move and start TTC.
Unfortunately we had left it too late and my fertility had already deteriorated significantly compared to five years earlier when I had my first child.

It sounds like you've hit 30 and now want to crack on hitting milestones in your life plan

There's absolutely nothing wrong with that whatsoever. It's a very sensible and realistic way to live.

Also I agree with @CycleWoman. I've been with now DH since I was 26 but we didn't start TTC til I was 33 as I wasn't ready, career goals, wrong flat etc etc.
I had a miscarriage and eventually had my first at 35, and just had second at 38.
Tbh I really wish I'd started trying in my 20s. Whatever happens you just make it work, endless preparations still can't prepare you anyway

Sorry youre going through this OP. This is exactly why I ended a relationship, the man was a time waster.

He has been with you for 6 years and isn't ready for marriage? And doesn't understand why you want have children as soon as possible?

I dont know much about finance but him not sharing the money he gets from his rental seems a bit off to me. Doesn't that mean that he just gets to live cheap with you, whilst saving lots of money?

I would expect that after SIX years a man knows where he wants marriage or kids, especially at the age of 35.

Men are all too clever with sending links, showing pics, dangling things that we want in front of us to give us hope but then it never happens. I personally would get on with planning the life I want, regardless of him, either he follows or you meet someone else.

Look how many of the posters above have said that they're now childless because of useless men like yours. Honestly, take their advice

[quote YukoandHiro]@HotSince63 Not necessarily - some blokes would just put it off endlessly if they could get away with it. They just need to agree on a timetable that suits them both. If he refuses, that would suggest that he's not committed, but I don't think OP needs to write him off yet. [/quote]
Women should allow the men who want to, to ‘get away with it’ and go and find someone who actually wants to have kids. Those men do exist, very much so. Men who wanted to ‘get away with’ putting off kids for the long term do not make good fathers, or good partners to the mother.

Aggghh this is turning into a cancel the cheque thread-Op has said clearly several times that he gives her half the rental income!

'Hrs35 & you've been together 6 years. Hes say 'yeah in 2 years' for £10k ?'

Quite

I was expecting another 0 on the end of that figure in his master plan TBH

Personally I'm not sure your timeline is realistic. It's maybe ok if you want 2 children, it's very tight if you want 3.

Moving often takes a while. You're quite clear on wanting a doer upper, these days they aren't easy to find and usually get snapped up by cash buyers/developers. You may have to wait a while to find one. And then go through up to 6-12 months of being in a chain. Then there's the time it takes to renovate. If both working full time and you're intending to do a lot of work yourself, 12 months is very optimistic. It took us 2 years to renovate a 2 up/2 down house. It also costs a lot of money which is fine if you have it upfront but otherwise it will delay things.

So you may be 33 by the time you decide to TTC. It took us 2 years to have our first due to miscarriages (We don't have fertility issues, were just unlucky). So you could be 35 when giving birth to your first. Then if you wait until baby is 2 before TTC #2 you're getting nearer to 40.

Not trying to scare you, I just think if you're serious about doing a renovation and having it done before kids, then you need to do it now. Waiting 2 years is very risky.