To think my life's on hold for no valid reason?

[waitinggame108]

To cut a long storey short my DP lives in my house that I bought, two bed terrace. He has a flat he rents out. We split everything and are equal financially. We've been together 6 years and plan to sell both and buy a big place together.

I would move now if the right house came up, but willing to wait up to 6-9 months.

• We have outgrew this house for size
• Want to TTC and want to have moved before attempting this
• Want a old house and don't like current area.

My DP wants to stay put for 2 more years, I know part of this is financial but also he sees it as two more years of us being "free" with low expenses and child free.

I feel like I'm just constantly clock watching wanting the next unknown amount of time to blow over so we can move. I've tried having this conversation but he is such a literal thinker "but we'll have more budget" is his thinking.
But I'm bloody well unhappy here is my response.

I don't know how to shake this feeling and just enjoy the relatively easy life we have at the moment and I don't know if I'm being unreasonable as we're bickering over a period of 12-24 months when we'll have 10's of years in the new house?

My Ex had a timetable too...it was just shifted when we got to it.

Two ex's actually but the first one we were much younger & he had the decency to admit to himself and me, that actually as much as he'd like children, he wanted to do things that he wouldn't be able to do if he did (and he's late 50's now, he did those things and never had children).

He's not listening to you or talking properly, he's telling you how it's going to be...

You can spend your time waiting for the right time however my worry with you is your DP is renting out his place whilst paying nothing towards yours. He doesnt want to commit to buying a property with you never mind having DC. As he must be raking it in. Sadly he is the kind of bloke if you dumped him would be married and having kids with the next partner. Your 30, time to think about what you want and whether this man is going to be going on the journey with you

He does have a timeline for children and does want children but it seems that I have to fit into his timeline?

Red flags all the way. TTC is a game with no secure outcomes. What if you were to become pregnant on the first attempt? Or what if it took you five years and several rounds of IVF? There is absolutely no way to ensure that conception fits into a sodding timeline.

I'd want to wrap his timeline round his willy, quite frankly.

You need to get on with everything starting from now, if that's what he actually wants to do.

To be honest there's no reason why you can't ttc now, you don't need a bigger house, most babies sleep with their parents for the first 6 months to a year or so, mine longer. If he's reluctant and is pushing the decision down the line you need to find out why, is it cold feet on parenthood or specific things he wants to do first

You just both want different things. I can understand him wanting a rest for 2 years instead of always rushing in to the next thing.

I wouldn't want to TTC now as we want a project house and I wouldn't want to be heavily pregnant or have a baby in that environment.

If you don't even find the house for 2 years, and then embark on a restoration project, you're going to be c.35 when you actually do TTC and your DP 40 ish. It might work out OK, but you may well end up childless.

I do wonder if what other PP are suggesting is correct - he doesn't really want DC at all.

Have you discussed the commitment/protection of marriage or is that too blocked by him?

Well if you want to move now, you have to put your foot down and say so.

Ask him if the delay is just he can’t be arsed. It sounds like that to me.

Also, do you want to get married? Just asking because that needs examining for financial implications.

Can you share a potential time line with him?

e.g. you are 30 now. You save for a further 2 years (you are 32). Realistically, to find the old, dream, large-enough project home is not going to happen immediately, so maybe that will be another year (you'll be 33), then maybe 12-18 months to do it up. You might be 34/35 by the time you start trying to conceive.

Could you compromise, save for one year, look seriously after that - with the intention of actually making the move if you see something suitable. Chances are that you might continue to save almost the same amount.

In the meantime, what can you do (for yourself and together) that really positively make the most of this time of freedom. Can you learn new DIY skills that might be useful in your project house, can you dig up favourite plants and put them into pots so you can take them with you. Can you increase your qualifications or look for jobs that put you in the best possible situation for the future? Can you increase your savings by having a frugal month 4 or 5 times a year?

I didn't understand what you posted about savings. you wrote that it would be £10K over 2 years. If you're saving £5K a year, including the rental income, then it sounds like things are quite tight. Or are you currently spending lots on holidays, going out, expensive hobbies, that will all have to be cut back in the future. Are there specific things / dreams that your dp want to achieve now, and will be be happy to move on after he's done them?

You said £10K was 10% of the overall budget. Presumably not the budget for the whole house, was that the budget for doing up the project house?

And I echo a pp regarding not being married. There is no better time for having a very quick and inexpensive wedding. That's something you could get on with right away...

You're 30. Two years from now you start looking for the ideal home, and it takes another year to find somewhere and move = 33. A year doing the place up = 34. Another year or so while he umms and ahhs = 35. Start trying for a baby, even if there's a miracle and you get pregnant straight away, when the baby is born you will be 36.

You are pushing your luck a bit with fertility at that age.

I waited until 30/31 to try for a baby and it took 4 and a half years. So over 30 I think you have to accept you can't plan these things.

My advice based on my own experience would be to try for baby & worry about the house after.

You say he pays half your rent & bills. Does he also give you half what he makes on his rental?

I think he is stringing you along and at 30 that is never a good thing. You need to consider what happens if you wait 2 years and he still isn't ready? Will you be OK with that or will you think that's 2 fertile years down the pan?

If he doesn't see your views as valid, you have a relationship problem.

If you don't see his views as valid, you have a relationship problem.

You will need to identify and resolve the problem before property/babies are seriously considered.

It seems you want different things, which is fine for you as individuals, but makes you incompatible, relationship-wise.

2years of my life is worth a heck of a lot more than £10k.

The issue here is that you are not equal.
Not financially (her gets to create a nice egg nest for himself - do you have any idea of how much savings he has?)
He calls the shots on how to live/where/dcs etc...

Let me guess.... you are also the one doing most of the HW/DIY (becuase it’s your house), emotional wolf (because you’re a woman)?

I would guess that his timeline for children with you, at least, will extend infinitely.

Start considering your other options.

If you bought the house now while there's a stamp duty holiday, you may save yourself much more than 10 K- depending on whereabouts in the country you are.
I think he's stalling and may not want what you want.

Have you suggested meeting halfway and waiting one year before moving instead of two? Seems like the obvious compromise if he's sincere and you can't agree on a timeline?

Waiting to move before your TTC is silly as who knows how long it will take

You wait 2 years, and then you buy a project house and do it up, and then you start TTC? Before you know it, you’re 35 before you have your first child, and knocking on 38 for the second. For a variety of reasons, DH and I only started TTC when I was 34, it took 6 months for me to get pregnant, then when we tried again for number two when I was 38, it turned out I was in premature menopause and I’ve been unable to conceive again. My mum and her mum started menopause in their late forties so it was nothing I could predict. Obviously I was very unlucky but what I’m saying is, if you want to start TTC soonish, you need to make sure he’s going to be on the same page at roughly the same time or you might find you’ve wasted a lot of your fertile years on him.

@HotSince63

Don't wait too long.

My guess - He doesn't want to have children with you. He's 35, he's been with you for 6 years. If he doesn't want to have children now I doubt he ever will.

This 1000%

OP please don't waste precious fertile years on him as so many women sadly do. You're 'Miss Good Enough For Now" for him.

And 6 years with no marriage??? Sort this out before you think of kids.

Move out and find another guy worth your time and effort, who actually wants a committed marriage and kids.

@TonMoulin

The issue here is that you are not equal. Not financially (her gets to create a nice egg nest for himself - do you have any idea of how much savings he has?) He calls the shots on how to live/where/dcs etc...

Let me guess.... you are also the one doing most of the HW/DIY (becuase it’s your house), emotional wolf (because you’re a woman)?

I'm betting this is the case.

You really need to be a bit hard-headed about this, OP - as pps have said about the timeline of 2 years saving + 2 years finding a house/doing it up = it's all eating away at your fertility window.

@haircutsRus

You're 30. Two years from now you start looking for the ideal home, and it takes another year to find somewhere and move = 33. A year doing the place up = 34. Another year or so while he umms and ahhs = 35. Start trying for a baby, even if there's a miracle and you get pregnant straight away, when the baby is born you will be 36.

You are pushing your luck a bit with fertility at that age.

Sadly, chances are that the relationship would conveniently "not be working" for him, just before they are due to start trying for a baby, and after the OP had decided to stick with him due to 'sunken costs fallacy'. They break up. Some time later he meets the woman he actually wants to marry and has kids with her (with the bonus of the sale proceeds from the ideal home he had with OP). OP left scrambling to finding a guy to have kids with while stressed out by the little fertile time she has left. Seen this scenario SO many times.

You are not married or engaged. He is making money from the rental--sweet deal for him. He is 35 and not a child. My grandmother used to say "shit or get off the pot." He is taking advantage and I would seriously rethink.

"I wouldn't want to TTC now as we want a project house and I wouldn't want to be heavily pregnant or have a baby in that environment." So are you thinking that you will buy in two years and it will be a renovation so a year to renovate and then start trying?

My friend took a decade to renovate her house.

Bestoption I am so sorry to hear your situation.

I married late, had a child quite late (39) and adopted at 49. My boyfriend (now DH) and I did have to break up before he realised I was serious about wanting to get married! If that makes sense!

Sounds like a cock lodger to me
Things are only fair if you get half of his rental money in your account.
If he’s not doing that ,it’s not fair
Have you got joint account,
Wedding planned
If not
Tell him your coming of the pill and want to try for a baby ,and set a date for wedding ASAP
That will give you your answer