To think my life's on hold for no valid reason?

[waitinggame108]

To cut a long storey short my DP lives in my house that I bought, two bed terrace. He has a flat he rents out. We split everything and are equal financially. We've been together 6 years and plan to sell both and buy a big place together.

I would move now if the right house came up, but willing to wait up to 6-9 months.

• We have outgrew this house for size
• Want to TTC and want to have moved before attempting this
• Want a old house and don't like current area.

My DP wants to stay put for 2 more years, I know part of this is financial but also he sees it as two more years of us being "free" with low expenses and child free.

I feel like I'm just constantly clock watching wanting the next unknown amount of time to blow over so we can move. I've tried having this conversation but he is such a literal thinker "but we'll have more budget" is his thinking.
But I'm bloody well unhappy here is my response.

I don't know how to shake this feeling and just enjoy the relatively easy life we have at the moment and I don't know if I'm being unreasonable as we're bickering over a period of 12-24 months when we'll have 10's of years in the new house?

It sounds like my BIL was with his ex-DP. Strung her along for years with promises of marriage and children, then ended things once they started house hunting seriously.

Also if you’re in the UK wouldn’t it make sense to take advantage of the stamp duty?

What contraception do you use at the moment? I think I would say the responsibility is now all his.

Does he ever compromise in your relationship?

Sorry if I’ve missed this but is the plan to sell both your properties to fund the next one? Because if not, I wouldn’t entertain selling up and buying a place together.

He’s in no rush because most men can have a child at any age. Women cannot!
This is not fair in you, stop being a doormat.

I agree with others-after six years, at 35 years of age, if he wanted to settle down and have a family with you he wouldn’t be trying to delay further. He’s putting you off because he’s not committed to a proper future with you. Most men at 35 who genuinely want kids are (in my opinion) itching to get on with it. As my DH said at 32, he didn’t want to be an old dad, he was excited to run about with his kids before his knees gave out!

Sorry OP but he sounds like the type of guy who wants a childfree life but won’t admit it because he risks losing the comfortable set up he has currently. Agree with a PP that you’re miss good enough for now. You need to take heed of the many tales of woe on these boards and take charge of your own life.

And £10k is really not much money to save over two years from two incomes who own two properties. That’s not a game changing sum of money that will set you up and is worth delaying TTC for.

What is his baby time frame? Is it less than 5 years? Does he want more than one dc? Does he care that you might not be physically able to fit his baby time frame if its more than a year, is it definitely you hes planning to have this baby with?

This would be a deal breaker for me and I would be leaving the relationship to find someone on the same page as me.

1. Why, after 6 years together, are you not married or engaged? I would put money on him “not needing a piece of paper” or “not believing in marriage”. This is a red flag in itself, in my experience. You need to protect yourself financially.

1. He is 35, why does he need more time? What is it he wants to do? What is his “timeline”?

1. Are you willing to risk never being able to have children while he messes you about and then potentially leaves you and starts a family with someone else while you’re left childless and alone in your late 30s? You’re the one who has the biological deadline, so you’re the one who has to decide what you want and pursue it. Do not leave your fertility in the hands of someone else.

Selling houses also is not a quick or stress free process. You will need to sell two of them, likely also coordinating with a purchase (also stressful) and empty periods which is also expensive.

Your plan is not his plan.

Sometimes people get a life plan into their heads and other people just kind of get dragged along with it until one day they say hey no this is not what I want. I suspect that is what is happening with you and him.

You talk like you are married yet you share your house with him while he keeps his for himself after 6 years. Open your eyes and see the reality of him not your plan for him.

Get married first.

He's stalling.

He probably doesn't want to sell his flat because it's his safety net/back up plan.

He doesnt want to have kids with you (or certainly doesnt yet) and associates a move to a bigger house as being a commitment to that happening, so is trying to defer it.

You need to calmly talk to him. Explain you value honesty and want to know how he really feels. Find out what HE actually wants and decide if you want to waste your best years on him or move on.

If you know you want to TTC and he's the right man, then don't delay. It seems like he is stringing you along. Wait for 2 years to move, then do up the "project house", then you'll be 35 and he'll be 40 and oh maybe he feels too old to have kids and you have trouble TTC anyway... fuck that. TTC now, project house later. Or move on to someone else.

Hi OP,
I’m 41 and a couple of my female friends of a similar age have not had children (yet?) and may not as they took a while to find the right bloke and then wanted dating/ travelling/ living together/ buying a house/ exotic travel/ marriage/ more exotic travel. Children were the next step in the plan but marriages unfortunately failed by then so back to square one and looking for the right bloke at 40 odd.

I think you and your partner should talk it out and both be prepared to be a little flexible. Trying for a baby now in your existing home sounds like a good compromise to me as your life is moving forward but you can still live cheaply and build equity for the next move. You might be glad of the extra money if you decide you want to be a stay at home mum for a while or work part time.

But I'm bloody well unhappy here is my response

If you are saying this, and he's not listening, then say it again. Say it as clearly as you can. If he still doesn't listen, you have your answer.

Do you really see a future with a man who doesn't listen to you when you tell him you are unhappy?

I'm another one wondering if he's just taking the piss with his cushy lifestyle

I started TTC at 30, it took me nearly 5 years...

Haven't read it all but why have you outgrown a 2 bed house?!

How much space do you need for 2 adults and then 2 adults and one baby.

Stay put and have a baby in that house, it is big enough. If he doesn't want to do it, you have your answer

Unfortunately you don’t know how fertile you are until you TTC. As someone else said you could get pregnant the first time you try or it could be several years of no luck and fertility treatment. You are 30 so you are pushing it if you want to wait 2 years to start looking for a house, then spend another 2ish years doing it up. You could be mid 30s by that time.

I think both of you need to compromise on your plans if you really do want kids together.

My DH didn’t really think much about leaving TTC late because his mum and his friends mums were all 35+ when they had their children. But you don’t hear about the miscarriages, fertility treatment etc. We left it later than I wanted to to TTC and I have had miscarriages which we might not have had to go through if we’d tried earlier. I would say you have good reasons for wanting to crack on. His point of view is valid too but has he properly thought about what you are gambling if you leave it too late to TTC?

After six years, at his age, I would want much more of a commitment than he is currently showing you.

He’s not that into you. Sorry but that’s it.

My friend has fallen for this too. She’s 36 and he’s said they can try in 2 years... we all know how it’s going to end but nothing to do but wait and be there to pick up the pieces.

To answer the questions

He pays me half his rent after tax AND half the bills. We have a joint account for food ect.

The 10K would be his savings in the next two years. My timeframe of moving in the next 9 months would give us 90k-100k in cash and equity. In his timeframe would be 110k.

We would be selling both properties.

We have only been financially comfortable in the last 2 years so marriage hasn't been discussed until recently. He knows I want to get married at some point.

I stopped hormonal contraception 10 months ago, we use condoms now so it is his responsibility.

Both state we want two or three children.

My timeline would be sell early next year, move sometime in 2021. 12months doing major building work. TTC from 2022 whilst doing the decor bits so I'd be 32.

Not interested in the stamp duty thing as it's false saving, prices are inflated in our area. I suspect will drop when it ends.

I wouldn't have a child in this house, it's too small. Feels cramped with us two, never mind a baby. I appreciate that's my own barrier to TTC.

After all your replies it has given me the shake up I needed to put my cards on the table really. I think he needs to meet me in the middle, move earlier and answer some tough questions on our future.

After 6 years together, and at 35 years old, it sounds like your DP doesn't want to have children with you. If he did, he would have started actioning the plans you both said you want to do by then. To save £10k in 2 years is £416.67 per month between 2 incomes. It doesn't sound like a particularly ambitious savings target, and if you were to move in the next few months, you could save that in stamp duty.

I think you need to be thinking about moving on from him, and find someone who wants to get married and have children with you. At 30, you've still got lots of time to do this.

If you allow your timeline to stretch by matching his wants, wait to buy the new house, renovate, then realise he's dragging his heels even more when you get to 35, time won't be on your side.

It's a very difficult situation. If he is the kind of person who will string you along because it's convenient for him, he is probably also the kind of person who will lie about it, so trying to have a frank discussion won't work.

How old are you?

Get married for legal protection before TTC.