Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Don't feel very intelligent, confidence issue

80 replies

Insertfunnyusername1 · 29/11/2020 14:20

I think there are different kinds of intelligence for sure, for instance i'm gifted in languages and have a degree in them, I enjoy creative writing and I work as a Maths teacher.

However, I seem to lack knowledge and don't read a lot. I have zero interest in Philosophy or reading anything 'highbrow'.
I don't have much interest in politics. I have a general idea of main historical events but again couldn't give an in-depth explanation of anything.

I see other girls poring over Kafka or Camus and I just find it pretentious.
I like reading magazines, Heat, Closer etc.
I read the news a lot and have an understanding of current affairs, but I like reading the Daily Mail.

I have a boyfriend and sometimes when he makes references I have no idea what he's talking about. He will ask, "What's the name of the guy who invented X ?" or, "Have you read the book on X subject ?"

And I will just have no idea. Or, he will tell me about a historical event and I will just nod because I won't understand it at all. I tend to say things that come across as dumb and he laughs, I just feel a bit insecure.

The same with cooking too. I can cook, i'm no chef but I can do all the basics, he's very into cooking and will say, "Oh it would be better if you used X or if you bought X to cook with.", or he will have to show me how to do things.

I'm decent enough at my hobbies but not amazing at anything. He will show me artists on Instagram and say, "She's an amazing artist" and stuff, but he would never consider me an artist.

I shouldn't feel like this. I'm great as I am and i've worked hard, why do I feel stupid ? Just want to boost my confidence in this area. I'm finding that i'm trying to read/watch things in order to have more interesting discussion with him.

OP posts:
Gifgif · 29/11/2020 14:38

There's a certain type of person who manages to twist the conversation around to what they know about and dismiss what they don't know about. Your boyfriend sounds obscene.

Cam2020 · 29/11/2020 14:39

It sounds like a lot of this is coming from your boyfriend - did you ever feel this way before you were with him? There are different types of intelligence. I am absolutely useless at maths, but good at reading and written based subjects. I think sometimes people with strengths in these areas, plus a natural interest in reading, history etc. can sound more intelligent than they actually are.

You are an intelligent woman and moreover, you sound as though you are self aware, know what you like and are happy to be you, until someone tries to undermine you.

Gifgif · 29/11/2020 14:39

^^ Blush The same, not obscene! Blush

40weekswithno2 · 29/11/2020 14:40

It's like sometimes when i'm drawing, he will take the pencil from me and 'show' me how to do it, or will tell me how I could improve without me asking for his advice.

Does he ever make you feel good about yourself? He sounds insufferable.

katy1213 · 29/11/2020 14:41

The boyfriend sounds a twat. Who probably hasn't read the book either, but has possibly read the review (in the Guardian).
The Daily Mail is the biggest selling paper in the country. But nobody admits to reading it. Especially on Mumsnet.
How often do you really see girls poring over Kafka or Camus? Unless it's a set book for their course?
I've read Camus. But I count on my fingers.

Be yourself.

Insertfunnyusername1 · 29/11/2020 14:41

I felt this way with a previous ex who was the same, and sometimes with family because they love to talk about history, but with friends I usually don't.

I do want to be me. It just makes me insecure when he tells me about this 'amazing' artist on Instagram and shows me their work or how this girl he knows is an 'amazing' cook.

OP posts:
Greengrasshills · 29/11/2020 14:42

Why don't you talk back to your boyfriend in one of the languages that you have studied ? Let him know that if he can't discuss things with you with 100% fluency then he must be really unintelligent.

Insertfunnyusername1 · 29/11/2020 14:42

It's his ex who was like that, she used to say she didn't go on Facebook much because she's 'busy reading philosophy" or would walk out of a club if the music was' too mainstream'.

OP posts:
Hailtomyteeth · 29/11/2020 14:43

Mantra for you...
"I'm not thick, he's a dick."

Fixed.

Insertfunnyusername1 · 29/11/2020 14:44

I want to talk to him about this but I don't know how.
I also have some debt (around 7k). I am paying it off on time and living within my means, also currently looking for a better-paid job and have interviews lined up.

He said the fact that I have an overdraft 'scares him'. I confronted him and he apologised and said he could be an arsehole sometimes.

OP posts:
Insertfunnyusername1 · 29/11/2020 14:45

He's made all these comments about me 'getting help' for it and trying to persuade me to get X card or whatever even though I keep telling him i'm just fine.

OP posts:
SilverRoe · 29/11/2020 14:46

You’re fine, he sounds pretentious and patronising.

Bella43 · 29/11/2020 14:48

We're all different. You're gifted at maths. Why don't you start throwing the odd mathematical reference into a conversation with him? I'm not naturally good at maths. I have to work at it. A lot! However, I'm one of those people that knows a little by about this and that to get by I a conversation. How? I watch a lot of documentaries. The History Channel is one of my favourite channels. I Google lots of things. I don't watch soaps or have Facebook so anything related to either of those goes over the top of my head. I'm a self-confessed geek and love finding out about 'stuff.' If someone has said something I don't know much about, I ask them about it and make it my business to look it up when I get home. That way I'm prepared if that topic ever comes up again. I'm naturally a very inquisitive person though. That's how I relax; by finding out 'things.' Everyone's different. Your boyfriend shouldn't make you feel he's having to lecture you. Perhaps he's not even as informed as you think he is and when you ask more he doesn't know maybe and that's why he's getting annoyed? He might know only the bare minimum. Just a thought.

Pollypocket89 · 29/11/2020 14:49

He doesn't sound very nice to you and anyone who walks out of somewhere because the music is too mainstream sounds like an absolute tool

lazylinguist · 29/11/2020 14:52

You're not unintelligent. You have a degree in languages (same here!). You are allowed to be interested in things that aren't highbrow. And knowledge about history, science etc isn't the same as intelligence.He sounds patronising and pretentious.

Greengrasshills · 29/11/2020 14:54

He undermines you. He disrespects you. These are not the actions of a loving partner.

SueEllenMishke · 29/11/2020 14:56

I see other girls poring over Kafka or Camus and I just find it pretentious.

There was no need for this comment. You complain at being judged for your reading choices but aren't you doing the same??

For me, the most interesting, well informed people are those that read widely and that can include things that are considered 'low brow'.

LoveandHateWhatABeautifulComb · 29/11/2020 14:57

I see other girls poring over Kafka or Camus and I just find it pretentious

If you really are feeling insecure about your own intelligence, why are you being a dick to others because you think they are smarter than you? Women reading classics are not being "pretentious".Hmm

Your boyfriend, on the other hand, you should be complaining about, because he IS a dick.

pickleparademairead · 29/11/2020 14:57

I don't agree at all that your boyfriend is pretentious. I think you just have somewhat different interests. But that's not to say the relationship won't be a success.

I don't think you should force yourself to like things you don't like, but it might be an idea to give some of the more 'high brow' topics a go? They may surprise you as being more enjoyable than expected.

LoveandHateWhatABeautifulComb · 29/11/2020 14:59

Also, drop the Daily Mail, for fucks sake, and that will raise your IQ by several points alone. Reading the sidebar of shame and their daily diet of hate and racism is something to look down on you for, to be fair.

electronVolt · 29/11/2020 15:02

He’s training you

MustardMitt · 29/11/2020 15:02

@Insertfunnyusername1

It's his ex who was like that, she used to say she didn't go on Facebook much because she's 'busy reading philosophy" or would walk out of a club if the music was' too mainstream'.
OMG how can you even take someone that says this seriously?! What an absolute knobber. Is he 14?
LaMarschallin · 29/11/2020 15:05

I see other girls poring over Kafka or Camus and I just find it pretentious.

Do you now?

Where would that be then?
Costa?

Rainbowshine · 29/11/2020 15:08

So this man:

Mansplains continuously even if you haven’t asked for input/have said that his advice isn’t needed

Condescends you and things that are important to you

Belittles your efforts to cook and draw

Goes on and on about how you compare to his ex/other women in a less than complimentary way

Um, as @Hailtomyteeth so succinctly put it, you’re not think, he’s a dick!

Honestly if you head over to the relationship board you’ll see what happens if you continue to be with this misogynistic and self absorbed man with a superiority complex. Clue: it won’t end happily ever after. Better outcomes can be had without him in your life.

Rainbowshine · 29/11/2020 15:09

thick not think