1 year old waking every hour - I'm going crazy

[Thisisnotataste]

DD 13months won't sleep on her own. She will nap at home after having a bottle of milk for a couple of hours. At bedtime she will eventually fall asleep after milk. But then she wakes every hour or so until I finally give up and put her in the spare bed with me.
Dh has just gone up for the 3rd time this evening to hold her hand as she's crying again.
This isn't normal is it? We're going crazy. We haven't been able to watch a programme together, or sleep in the same bed for a night in nearly a year. We get a quick dinner between trips upstairs. I don't know what to do.
Hv helpfully said she's over tired. No shit sherlock.
When she's in the big bed with me she sleeps most nights right through. Although sometimes if I accidentally wake her (like if I go to the loo in the night) she'll be awake for 2 hours.
I'm exhausted. DH and I have no relationship. I have no relaxation time. I need help.

Don’t do CIO 😔 It affects there brain development it’s so cruel.

This has been largely dismissed by scientists, it was originally suggested based on studies of badly neglected orphans. Dont post this shit without evidence. a child raised in a happy loving home with its needs met and a good bond with its parents, is not going to have its brain damaged by being allowed to fuss a bit at bedtime about being put to sleep in a warm comfortable cot with loving parents in the next room.

It sounds silly but could she be cold? My LO was frequently waking, but sleeping fine in our bed, and someone mentioned it could be the temp that’s waking them. We changed his sleeping bag and cranked up the heating a bit and that solved the problem!

I was you, I was on my knees with exhaustion and it was horrific.

I did controlled crying. I left my daughter to cry for 1 minute, then 3 then 5. And I went in every 5 minutes after that. The first night was horrible, the next night I did 2, 4 and 6 minutes and it was bad but not horrible, the 3rd night it was 3, 5 and I didn't even get to 7 minutes and she slept though the night.

She was a much more content baby after that and I was a much much calmer and happier mum. Sleep training has a bad rep because people assume it's closing the door on your child and leaving them to cry all night. My daughter knew I was coming and was more pissed off then upset that I didn't leap to her immediate demands.

My one regret about sleep training is that I didn't do it a bit sooner. Honestly for the sake or 3 or 4 nights it's worth a try (And by the way several friends did similar at the same stage and agreed it did help)

Another vote here for a sleep consultant. I went for the full works, she stayed at our house for a night (pre Covid) then telephone and WhatsApp support for 3 weeks. Cost £650 but went from being up all night to having a happy baby that would sleep through. Changed my life. Would have paid 10x that!!

Bedtime ok. 2 wakes before 11. And then not u till 3am.. when she was awake for 2.5hours. I nearly gave up but stuck with it. Tough when you have to get up at 7!

This could have been me this time last year! From about 9 months to almost 18 my second child was utterly terrible. Went to bed fine, then woke several times a night for hours at a time and then up for the day at 4-5am. We were so done with it. I'm also not someone who will do cry it out but not a bedsharer either.

Some was age and stage related and she was also teething at points during this period.

We hired a sleep consultant in January. Cost about £350 I think.

She reset our routine completely. Moved all mealtimes (so even if DD woke early, we didn't give breakfast until 7), moved naptime (which was early because of the early waking), made dinner later, etc etc. Everything moved by 15 minutes each day over a course of weeks. It took probably a month to crack it entirely but we've not looked back since. DD is now 2y 2m and she's reliably slept through since about mid-Feb. No crying or leaving a distressed baby.

We have the odd wake up with the last couple of big teeth appearing but that's easy to cope with when you're generally well rested.

I would second what someone else said about temperature too. Neither of mine have ever slept well at the recommended 16-18 degrees and I don't either I think that's chilly! For small babies fine, I would and did follow the guidelines because of SIDS. But once they're approaching a year I would and did relax that a bit and warm the room up a bit. Mine both had gro-eggs and they sleep best at more like 19-20 degrees.

Sounds like learned behaviour

She's learned to fall asleep with a bottle and that if she cries enough you'll hold her hand or take her to bed.

You've actually taught her she can't sleep without you

^^ this

You have done this to yourself. Stop doing it. You are not doing anyone a favor here. Not your baby. Not you. Not dh. And not your marriageand not your mental health... nip it in the bud or you are up for another 2 years of this...

The best thing u can do is some sort of sleep training. We didn't sleep train with my first and although she's a great sleeper we still have to put her to bed with us every night and then transfer her and she's nearly 4. We've tried her in her own bed on her own but she just doesn't know how to go to sleep on her own.

My 1 yr old was in our bed mostly as a baby. She's gone through various spells of doing a few hrs in her cot to sleeping through for a week or so. About a month ago we had had enough. We let her cry it out and most of the time she doesn't cry for long and then goes back to sleep. She's always went for naps this way though. I'm quite soft I hate hearing her crying for ages

She now goes to bed awake and just falls asleep no crying. Sometimes I will go in to her during the night and bring her in for some cuddles and settle her again then o it her back in her cot. I tried going in and picking her up and putting her down again. That just makes her even more hysterical so if I go in I know I'm going to have to come bk out with her. She's also had a gd few colds so I don't want to leaver her crying for ages in case she is unwell.

I think she might be cold. I know i am but I'm always cold!

Like I said we've done exactly the same with her as we did with her older sister who sleeps fine and has done from 8 months...

I won't let her cry. I don't think its right for us even though I am certain it would work in that she would sleep eventually but that plus separation anxiety at nursery is just too much for her I think.

I really do appreciate all the 1st hand stories. Its good to hear what had worked for other people.
I dont have a problem with occasional bedsharing. Eventually we will just buy a bigger bed but money and space is a bit tight for now!

If she napped at nursery I probably wouldn't worry about future sleep problems but she doesn't so for her sake I think she needs to learn to sleep without me

Like I said we've done exactly the same with her as we did with her older sister who sleeps fine and has done from 8 months...

Yup, she’s a different person from your 8 month old.

@piglet89 helpful. Thanks.
I meant for all the "you've brought this on yourself. You're making everyone suffer. You horrible person" messages.
I dont think I've done anything wrong, its just not working for her.

Yes; I think she’s in agreement.

I did actually try to be helpful further up the thread but you obviously don’t want to hear that so...

*we’re in agreement.

Do you know how impossible it is to tie a persons unrelated comments together when there are so many of them

I dont much like being told I'm making my daughter suffer by doing the same thing that worked with her sister.

But I do appreciate hearing everyone's experiences. Even if they're for CIO. Juat not for us but interesting to hear anyway

CIO didn’t work for me, my DS would get so worked up he’d be sick it was awful. I’d persist with the gradual withdrawal if you.
At 13 months I did end up sleeping on his floor sometimes holding his hand, but he got better as he got older.

Honestly, get a sleep consultant who does gentle sleep training. It will be worth it. I speak from experience as we were broken by a similar experience and didn’t know what to do and couldn’t agree what to do either. A good sleep consultant will help you find a method which you’re both comfortable with and which works.

I wanted to make a couple of points (all learnt from asleep consultant!)

1. she’s probably sleeping better in the earlier part of the night/easier to resettle in the first part of the night after waking up because the “sleep pressure” is stronger.
2. sleep training will help her fall asleep on her own. One of the problems you have at the moment is that she associates your presence with falling asleep, so when she goes through a lighter sleep phase during the night she becomes you’re not there anymore, wonders where you are, gets distressed and wakes fully. I know how hard it is to break that cycle but a sleep consultant will be able to help you with it.

If the gradual withdrawal method doesn’t work for you, then the pick up put down method is an alternative. My understanding (again from the sleep consultant) is that the results are slower with the gradual withdrawal method so you might need to give it longer than a week to decide whether it had any effect.

I know what a nightmare it is. I also know how in your fuddled sleep deprived state the easiest thing to do is the thing which will get her back to sleep as quickly as possible, but unfortunately although that’s helpful in the short term it isn’t in the long term. You have my sympathy, it’s awful but you can make it better for you all and you can make it better without needing to leave her to cry.

@Thefirsttime great post. Agree wholeheartedly!

When my son was just over a year he wasn’t sleeping well at all. We thought he was cold so bought some fleecy sleepsuits. First night he slept through, it was a game changer! So definitely try that if you think they may be cold. 18 degrees has always been too cold for my two. My daughter nearly broke us when she was 18 months as she was waking every 2/3 hrs, we just went tough - not cry it out but we were consistent that she wasn’t having anymore milk overnight and that she wasn’t coming into our bed! It was tough for a few days but worked eventually.

Well gradual retreat works to get her to sleep. We've reached hand holding stage
However what it doesn't do is stop her waking multiple times. Either just for a quick touch of the hand and she's back to sleep or for 3hour wide awake happy sessions. I'm dying. I have no idea how to get to the next bit.