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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to be on my own?

69 replies

Someone1987 · 28/11/2020 20:14

I've been with my husband 8 years, married and recently had a baby boy.

However, our son has highlighted our differences in parenting, to the extent I wish I was on my own.

I'm not really sure if I want to be married, I want to be on my own with my son to give him a consistent loving home.

I've been having mental health support for PND and recently been diagnosed with CPTSD after EMDR therapy for past trauma.

A side effect of this is that I've realised I rushed into marriage as wanted a baby to love. I never really wanted the husband. Sometimes I even question if I like men at all. I'd rather just live with a girly friend.

I just want to be on my own, but I know it can never happen.

OP posts:

Ilovesugar · 28/11/2020 20:20

I have had PND and it makes you behave sometimes a bit out a character. I wouldn’t throw away your relationship (8 years isn’t rushed).

Keep it in the back of the mind, try to get in a better place mentally. If you still feel the same once you are in a better place then maybe think about divorce / separation.

BanginChoons · 28/11/2020 20:21

Why can it never happen?

I am on my own with my children, and it is wonderful.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 28/11/2020 20:21

I'm sorry that you're struggling with all of these things. Are you able to talk through them with your PND counsellor?

There's absolutely no reason to believe that you couldn't have a happy little home by yourself or with a friend if that's what you would make you happy. Obviously your husband would potentially be in the picture for the next 18 years if he is an active co-parent but remaining married through a lie is not a happy marriage. You both deserve to be happy with your lives.

Comfortzone · 28/11/2020 20:24

You've just come through the '7 year itch'

Can you make plans for next year together? Does he help/communicate with you regularly?

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 28/11/2020 20:25

Though I agree with the PP about not rushing anything at the moment. Potentially even marriage counselling to work through any issues. Does your husband love you, support you and the baby etc?

If you feel that ultimately your sexuality or just your basic wants are not compatible to remaining married to him then you can look at separation.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 28/11/2020 20:26

There are two separate issues clouding your emotions - your PND and your relationship. And they might cloud one another but they are also entirely separate.

If you honestly feel like you might want a break, take one. Continue to access the help for your PND but don't stay in a relationship that's making you unhappy. You can raise happy children just as well by yourself and don't allow your partners parenting style to dominate how you feel you should be parenting.

swansongs · 28/11/2020 20:27

If the only big obstacle with your husband is the difference in your attitudes to parenting, keep in mind that 18 years goes by quickly. Might you like to live with him when your child is raised and gone?

pinkyredrose · 28/11/2020 20:27

What does he do that annoys you? Did you ever love him?

BunnyMacDougal · 28/11/2020 20:27

What makes you think your son will be alone with you in a “consistent loving home”?

Is there any reason his time wouldn’t be split 50/50 between you and his dad, and one of his “consistent loving homes” may also feature a future partner for your husband?

Original poster

Someone1987 · 28/11/2020 20:27

@Ilovesugar I can relate to that. It has changed me entirely I don't even know who I am anymore. It's been 8 years, 7 of which were spent TTC and having fertility treatment. I was so blindsighted to have a baby, I stayed I guess.

@BanginChoons it'd cause too much hurt and he wouldn't agree.

@TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup I have done, they say the odd thing about him which has fuelled this a bit.

I don't know what to do

Thank you for your comments x

OP posts:

Original poster

Someone1987 · 28/11/2020 20:31

I think our child has tore us apart.
He is stricter than I think we should be, his way or no way, little things I guess, but after having therapy I realise I chose him because he was older and would look after me, as I hadn't had before.

OP posts:

Original poster

Someone1987 · 28/11/2020 20:37

@Comfortzone that's true. We don't seem to have fun anymore really.

@TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup he had a child because I wanted to, he struggled with being a parent too. He did support me through my mental health issues, even not allowing me to go an mother and baby unit. He does love me and our son.

@FudgeBrownie2019 thank you for the kind words.

@swansongs, I'd rather just be on my own, always.

@pinkyredrose it's the constant nit picking and correcting me on everything to do with our son. I had the rush of love (I was 21) and as I thought marriage etc is what you do in your 20s I did it. I liked someone older dominating and looking after me. After my therapy I'm horrified at myself as this is not what I want at all.

@BunnyMacDougal fair points there, however my husband said he would (t.w) top himself without me.

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TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 28/11/2020 23:26

You say he didn't allow you to go to the mother and baby unit why was that? Why didn't he want you with medical professionals who could ensure your care and your baby?

Original poster

Someone1987 · 29/11/2020 07:19

@TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup he said they wouldn't let me out and I'd regret going. The MH nurse said they 'didnt usually have this problem' but I think they knew he suspected what those places can be like. I would have gone if I was on my own, it was offered several times.

OP posts:

FippertyGibbett · 29/11/2020 07:26

Can you realistically afford to live on your own ?
How do you think you will feel when your DH has your child for contact ?
He might go for overnight stays, holidays abroad, and a step mum might come into his life.
There will be times when you are alone and DC is with Dad.
I think you really need to think about this and don’t rush into anything. Believe me, I have fantasised about DH not being in my life too. You’re not alone in that, but you have to see the reality and practicalities of that situation.

PigsInHeaven · 29/11/2020 07:28

What ‘those places can be like’ is ‘full of women suffering MH problems and their babies’. Does he think they’re borstals or Magdalene laundries or something?

And you get that he doesn’t have to ‘agree’ to separate or divorce, right? One party can do it, regardless of the wishes of the other. I’m afraid I have little patience with threats of suicide if a partner wants out.

Can you take some time away from the relationship to work on your MH and decide what’s best for you and your baby?

Othering · 29/11/2020 07:32

This doesn't sound good op. He may have some good qualities but it's worrying that you say he won't allow you to do certain things. Is this a major feature in your relationship? Does he get to call all the shots in how you live your life? Do you have a support network? Friends and family?

Original poster

Someone1987 · 29/11/2020 07:39

@FippertyGibbett my sister lives give minutes away from me and she said I am always welcome there. But with covid it's not an option for the foreseeable.
Those are fair and valid points I hadn't really considered.
I want what's best for my son and having two parents together is more stable for him. So the other option is to grin and bear it until he moves out.

@PigsInHeaven probably thought they were like the old days, I dunno. He said they wouldn't let me out as they'd 'see what I was like' and they were lying about me being able to leave when I want, they'd get me there 'voluntarily' and then if I tried to leave they'd section me. He said also it's not fair on the dads to be seperate to their wife and baby. He didn't think I needed it ultimately. If covid wasn't here I'd go to my sisters for a bit.

OP posts:

Original poster

Someone1987 · 29/11/2020 07:43

@Othering he is very protective of me as I am shy and can't speak up for myself. It's just the way I am. However the therapy is making me challenge that and I can say no etc.
He will tell me what to do with my son, like don't feed him that, can you move him. The other day he was crying cos he wouldn't sleep and I was cuddling him and said oh bless him and husband said no, it's not oh bless him. He has less patience than me I guess and wouldn't want me picking him up if he's in his cot and upset but I do it anyway. This sounds worse than it is, I think having a baby has unsettled him as he likes order and routine and obviously a baby throws that off completely.
I have a sister and a dad. My mum passed away when I was a teen. With covid it's so hard, as I'd love to see my sister more.

OP posts:

FippertyGibbett · 29/11/2020 07:46

Can you not form a support bubble with your sister ?
If not, can you go for a socially distanced walk with her ?
Have you told her how you feel ?

RedHelenB · 29/11/2020 07:50

You talk about "my" baby but its our baby. Of course you csn manage on your own but you can't wish the dad out of your dc's life

Original poster

Someone1987 · 29/11/2020 07:57

@FippertyGibbett she does know things have been a bit hard lately. But I could see her more for walks.

@RedHelenB I know. I wouldn't try to do that.

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GemmeFatale · 29/11/2020 08:00

If you want to see your sister for mental health support or even to move in with her temporarily while you work through this that is allowed under the COVID rules.

ApolloandDaphne · 29/11/2020 08:01

If you left your DH he would still have access to your child and would be able to parent as he wished. It's not so simple as just leaving him and easing your child your way without him involved. You need to consider all your options and so what is best for you and your child.

Original poster

Someone1987 · 29/11/2020 08:16

@GemmeFatale oh I didn't know that. Thank you

@ApolloandDaphne I know, which is why there realistically is nothing I can do. I need to do what is best for my son. I just don't know what that is

OP posts:

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