To want to be on my own?

[Someone1987]

I've been with my husband 8 years, married and recently had a baby boy.

However, our son has highlighted our differences in parenting, to the extent I wish I was on my own.

I'm not really sure if I want to be married, I want to be on my own with my son to give him a consistent loving home.

I've been having mental health support for PND and recently been diagnosed with CPTSD after EMDR therapy for past trauma.

A side effect of this is that I've realised I rushed into marriage as wanted a baby to love. I never really wanted the husband. Sometimes I even question if I like men at all. I'd rather just live with a girly friend.

I just want to be on my own, but I know it can never happen.

I'm afraid your relationship sounds abusive to me. Older man, dominant, refusing you access to mental health services, threatening suicide in if you leave, you're quiet, vulnerable and easily manipulated. Your current mood may be perfectly rational. Becoming a mother can shift your focus and make you more aware of your circumstances. Think about getting this post moved to relationships. There are lots of experienced MNetters over there.

It seems all you have thought about is you . No thought for the devastation you will cause your husband by splitting up the family, taking his child from him. Do you think everything will be rosey living on your own? You wouldnt be on your own living with your sister anyway

It does sound like his behaviour to you is perpetuating the trauma you have previously experienced. Is it worth talking to a domestic abuse charity and feeling controlled and essentially unable to leave because he will want custody of your child?

The difficulty with mother and baby units is that you have to have the consent of both parents to go there. It’s normally not a problem and you genuinely can leave the ward at times. Yes if they thought you were a risk to the child they’d think about sectioning you but would still need fathers consent for the baby to be there.

GirlsBlouse did you miss the part where OP said her DH threatens to kill himself to get her to stay, wouldn't let her go to a Mother and Baby unit despite advice from MH professionals (because "they'll see what you're really like") and repeatedly undermines her parenting? This is not a healthy relationship.

I want to answer some of those saying “what about the horrors that happen after you split”.
I left my husband and it’s me, DD and the dog now. That was 2 years ago. He wasn’t a great husband and I’d been unhappy for a very long time. Yes, it caused a lot of upset for everyone at first but that didn’t last forever. My DD spends plenty of time with her Dad and it’s pretty flexible which is nice. I enjoy when she is not here, it’s good to spend time alone. My ex did have a girlfriend for a bit and I was pleased for him. The lady even met DD and she said she was nice which was a good thing. Unfortunately they split but I hope he finds someone else and that DD likes them and eventually comes to love them. The more love in her life the better. I have a boyfriend, we no plans to ever move in together but he’s nice and makes me happy and DD likes him too.

There are challenges to parenting after divorce but it doesn’t have to be all doom and gloom and it’s so much better than feeling trapped and unhappy.

@DownTownAbbey thank you for your kind words. It's hard to know if it's in my head etc, I don't even know. Motherhood and PND and covid has changed everything

@Washimal

GirlsBlouse did you miss the part where OP said her DH threatens to kill himself to get her to stay, wouldn't let her go to a Mother and Baby unit despite advice from MH professionals (because "they'll see what you're really like") and repeatedly undermines her parenting? This is not a healthy relationship.

Exactly. I’m with @DownTownAbbey, in that I think this relationship sounds abusive, and that you have simply have started to register this after having your baby.

@GirlsBlouse17 it's not about being on my own. Just on my own in the sense of no partner. My sister is different. I wouldn't want to take his child away from him.

I agree with @DownTownAbbey - there are some red flags here that scream coercive control to me.

OP, maybe you are finally waking up to the truth of your situation.

Leaving your husband isn't the end of the world. I left mine after nearly 20 years together when I finally realised how beaten down I'd become.

After time I realised that I'm lesbian and found a woman to be with, which has completely changed my life for the better. My DC's father is barely in the picture, he can't be arsed. Meanwhile I live on my own with my DC, we spend time with my partner (bubble) and we are happy and have fun. Life isn't drudgery anymore.

@GirlsBlouse17

It seems all you have thought about is you . No thought for the devastation you will cause your husband by splitting up the family, taking his child from him. Do you think everything will be rosey living on your own? You wouldnt be on your own living with your sister anyway

Jesus wept. She's come on here to ask for advice and support for her. Not her husband. Her. She's allowed to do that for a moment without having to put him first. It sounds very much to me like he manages to put his wants and needs first anyway, without you sticking up for him.

@Incrediblytired thank you. I've been speaking to me MH care co when she visits and I've started to say I can't go as he would want our son. She and the previous care - co have said the odd comment about him which adds to the debate.
That's it, said they'd need his permission to go in there, so with no permission, I couldn't go. But I've been having community support and now my baby is one I am going to be transferred to the adult team.

Just catching up on the replies, thank you to all who have commented x

I’m also seeing a lot of red flags here tbh. OP you must have been quite unwell if they recommended a mother and baby unit, and your DH was clearly putting his own needs first saying a man needs his wife and baby at home. His parenting style is making you uncomfortable and it doesn’t sound like a happy home for your DS to grow up in.

It sounds to me like therapy has helped you to open your eyes and to find your voice, which is wonderful. More power to you. You don’t need to decide or act now. Take your time to think what you really want and how to get there. I don’t think parents splitting is the worst thing that can happen, and as your DS is so young he will adapt to the new normal so quickly.

@Washimal and @Peace43 thank you.

@PigsInHeaven thank you.

@memarmite thank you for sharing your story. I'm glad you have found a situation you're happy in. I've come to the point I don't think I even like men. Not sure what that means really. I worry sometimes I'm incapable of loving another and I am quite a messed up person.

@othering thank you.

@pamdemic my sister has questioned a few things, but she's being careful what to say, but says she wants to see me more. I've spoken to the care - co who said he 'bits his tongue' and is careful what he says around her, but not sure what that means. A previous care co said he 'likes the control' and 'undermines me', but the psychologist said almost to the word that it's in my head that I feel I can't do anything right, when I didn't want to go home at the end of a session. I'll keep speaking to them. Oh, he is 40 and I'm 29.

@Aozora13 thank you. It was a catalogue of events that all came to a head. I was traumatised from the birth and my son being in NICU, by unresolved traumas from my past that I couldn't stop thinking about and my husband wasn't coping with me and the baby and I felt I was being a rubbish mum and wife. They said I had pnd, but (t.w) with suicidal thoughts, as I'd planned how to end it all because I couldn't see a way out of the pain. So that was then the MBU was suggested. They tried to persuade my husband and he said no. This carried on a few months, again MBU was offered but husband said no. Theyve now taken all my pills, so I can't OD. My husband has to give me my daily Sertraline like I'm some sort of pathetic child. It is suffocating and there's no way out. Thank you for the kind words, I do feel strong like I have a voice, but I can't use it in this situation.

Thank you all for your comments x

Not liking men just means you're lesbian. Nowt wrong with that.

How old are you now ? I'm picking up you're still very young yet tried to conceive for 7 years ? And he's older than you ?

I haven't RTFT

He isn't 'protective' - he's controlling of you, there's a huge differende OP

@MeMarmite true, but don't know how you'd actually know if you were or whether you just can't love anyone..

@ginislife I'm 29, met him at 21. He's 40. I thought having a baby would make me feel like my life was worth something and make me happy..naive I know. So when he proposed fast I did it, as wanted my baby. However I have PCOS, one fallopian tube and it took several years naturally trying, then got referred to fertility clinic, took Metformin and clomid, then had an ectopic prgnancy and two miscarriages before my son. I was so blindsighted to have my child, I couldn't see beyond that.

@pooopypants what's the difference being being protective and controlling. There seems a very fine line...

IMO 'protective' is just a nice word that means 'controlling'.

But that's beside the point. You need to find out who you are, what you want and need out of life, and you won't be able to do that with him breathing down your neck and stopping you from doing things.

Your concerns about not being able to love anyone probably are just worries about being alone, you've been in this relationship for a long time, and it sounds like it's been very intense emotionally. You love your child, you love your extended family and friends, etc etc. You are a healthy, whole human being with loads of potential.

@memarmite thank you for your encouraging words.✨
I wish I'd found out what I wanted earlier, before my poor son who now has a mother who doesn't even know who she is.
I do need the space to rediscover myself, what I like doing, how I want to be. But I could never leave without it ending badly, I worry how bad it could be.

no reason to believe that you couldn't have a happy little home by yourself or with a friend if that's what you would make you happy

OP also has to take into consideration what would make child happy/be in his best interest, and that just because she chooses to leave, that is no reason to deny fathers' access - so the parenting differences would still exist.
I'm not suggesting she shouldn't leave, but needs to think about the prospects for her son, being brought up by someone with complex mental health needs and a tendency to speak in acronyms

@EveryDayIsADuvetDay

no reason to believe that you couldn't have a happy little home by yourself or with a friend if that's what you would make you happy

OP also has to take into consideration what would make child happy/be in his best interest, and that just because she chooses to leave, that is no reason to deny fathers' access - so the parenting differences would still exist.
I'm not suggesting she shouldn't leave, but needs to think about the prospects for her son, being brought up by someone with complex mental health needs and a tendency to speak in acronyms

Wow, you're an arsehole and a half

@EveryDayIsADuvetDay I do not have complex mental health needs. Are you suggesting parents whose mental health isn't deemed as 'perfect' are not good parents?
Also, if my style of writing irritates you, then you don't have to comment.