Bad Mom but don't know how to change it?

[BadMom82]

Just that really.

I can tell were bad parents from DSs behaviour but I don't know what it is were doing wrong. How do I work out what I'm doing wrong so I can fix it and us?

Example, DS is still in nappies, medical reason being investigated. Fine, not ideal but school are aware were trying and seeking extra help. But even with a medical basis we would be able to get him at least partly trained at 5. He'll go through periods when he'll go to the loo on instruction, will go up and change his nappy, etc and he does it at school but we've just asked him to go and do it and then told him to and he's refused because he doesn't want to. Was warned I would do it. Still refused so I took him upstairs and changed him. He doesn't like this as he's not a baby. I've explained why I needed to do it - nappy leaking, him being stinky, sore bottom etc. He's still shrieked and wailed. Talked about it and he just doesn't want to have to stop playing to change his nappy which makes me think he just doesn't want to stop playing to use the loo and he'd be toilet 🚆 if I was a better Mom.

He's constantly shouting, just random words usually, he'll repeat the same word over and over and over even if o acknowledge him until I end up telling him to shut up.

If we even threaten the naughty step he's hysterical. If we carry it our he literally screams for the 5 minutes and cries but it doesn't change his behaviour.

The telly randomly fast forwarded itself, instead of telling me he starts screaming hysterics. I tell him to stop screaming and use words and he'll generally stop but it's every time anything less that what he wants happens. So of o walk on the wrong bit of the pavement for example he'll shriek at me. He's told not to talk to me like that, to ask nicely, he'll apologise and calm down then do it again.

He's the funniest kid, he loves affection and did his singing lesson from my lap this morning, says hello to anyone, helps me with his baby siblings, but when he's disobedient he's awful.

And I know it's not his fault because he's a child who is being massively failed by his parents but I don't know what to do instead

I don't think you are a bad mum and I don't think your ds is a bad child. It sounds like he is struggling and in turn you are struggling. What external support is he receiving? Have you considered play therapy? My ds is 4.5 and in play therapy as he has bad anxiety amongst other issues. Play therapy has helped us massively.

Do you think its an impulse issue? I don't think your a bad mum. You are doing all you can.

I'm not sure why you are blaming yourself , why you think your son's behaviour is down to you rather than any additional needs he may have . Have you spoken to your DS school , how is his behaviour in school ? And developmentally, if he's not having a tantrum , does he speak as you would expect a 5 year old to be able to? Again , have school raised any concerns? Is it possible he may need referral to paediatrician (through your GP)

I wonder also if you may need some support to be more confident around your parenting ? You sound quite down on yourself . Not knowing what services are available where you live, but are there any children's centres? Often there may be parenting courses or volunteer support Although things may not be running as normal at the moment

Besides telling him to "shut up" it doesn't sound too bad on your part? Read some parenting books/websites I find AHA parenting one of the best sites.

It sounds like he's got additional needs, has he been assessed?

His speech had always been a bit behind, he caught up massively but is still under speech therapy. I don't talk to other 5 year olds so don't really know what kind of things they talk about. He's quite on his own world sometimes so will talk at people about his toys etc but isn't always great at a proper conversation back and forth.

I'm awaiting a referral to parenting classes around emotions as I mentioned to our paed about his behaviour at home. At school he's perfect, a little slow at work at times but again his handwriting and fine motor schools have come on this year and I'm awaiting an or referral for that and a dyspraxia assessment.

My/our fault. He has two parents. We Def babied him as he was slow to speak etc and so used to shriek in exasperation because he had no words, so I thought initially it would get better once he could talk but it's been two years now.

The screaming for minutes on the naughty step is something a neurotypical 5yo might do.

The rest of the things you mention do look like they could do with more investigation. There seems to be a pattern there of being quite rigid and finding it difficult to have his attention moved from something he is doing. I would make a list of things that seem unusual or difficult to you and then ring the GP. GP probably can't do much but a referral may have to go through them.

Whatever it is, I'd say it's extremely unlikely that you will have caused this through failing as a parent. You'd have to fail quite a bit before you get a 5yo to want to be so different from other 5yos: this is an age where being part of a group and a big boy/girl really starts to matter to them. So it may well be that there is some reason why he needs extra help.

If there is some kind of diagnosis, that may help you to find ways of doing things with him to make life less stressful for both of you. And even if there isn't, a professional may have some good tips. Sometimes tricks used by parents for children on the autistic spectrum, for instance, can be really helpful for other children too.

Try not to think of it as you failing him but as you fighting his corner, identifying a problem and trying to get him help.

I wondered for years what was wrong with my parenting until dd got a diagnosis (of a mainly physical condition). That helped me to understand what I could do, the best ways of doing it, and what I just had to accept she would not be capable of doing. Much easier than just stumbling around in the dark getting more and more frustrated.

But as I said, even if there is nothing that needs diagnosing, you may still pick up some hints.

@Badwill

Besides telling him to "shut up" it doesn't sound too bad on your part? Read some parenting books/websites I find AHA parenting one of the best sites.

Only after 20 minutes of shrieking and me asking him to shush and him waking the babies up. No excuse I know but just clarifying it isn't every time he talks

He Def isn't that bothered about fitting it. I've spoken re nappies etc about him being smelly and other kids not liking it, and he says the right words mostly but nothing changes, or he's indifferent and nothing changes. He isn't bothered by being wet or dirty and star charts don't work

www.incredibleyears.com
I'm doing this course at the mo as have three sen boys. I'm finding it really helpful. It was funded by local parenting group

I don't have much in the way of advice as my kids are younger but I wanted to say you are not a bad mom. A bad mom wouldn't care, and you obviously do.

I’d forget the punishments for just now and focus on making your home a bit happier for him while you wait on the medical results. So ditch the naughty step, it isn’t working anyway and it’s only making him upset.

Give him loads of warning for changing his nappy - does he have a clock? Or Alexa? Set it for certain times so he knows that’s when he changes. Just keep everything light and fun.

I’d say this would test anyone though, don’t beat yourself up about it. You’re trying your best and some days that’s good enough

Other thing you could try is cloth nappies. Feeling wet may help without having all the mess of no nappies.

www.thenappylady.co.uk/child-onwards-incontinence.html

TBH you don't sound like a bad mum at all. Your DS does sound like he may have additional needs, though.

I'm going to go out on a limb and mention autism as a possibility here.

@GymMat

Do you think its an impulse issue? I don't think your a bad mum. You are doing all you can.

Yes, it's like you say no and it bubbles over very quickly and goes from anger to sad pretty quick

School / SENCO don't think autism is a factor

Have you considered PDA?

@HallieKnight

Have you considered PDA?

Yeah, I've read a bit. Butdh just thinks I'm looking for labels. He's humouring me about the dyspraxia referral cos school were v on board but I think if o asked school about it they'd just think I'm looking for problems / excuses

I feel for you. A child in nappies at that age is very stressful for lots of reasons.

I have a 7yo in pull-ups. There is simply no way that she is purposefully soiling herself, so I don't mention friends, I don't try to shame her or over-explain. She's quite clearly got additional needs, she's being assessed for ASD and is under the paediatric continence team at our local hospital. Everything has slowed down massively, unfortunately, in terms of appointments, so we are in a holding pattern. I'm pretty sure she has interoception issues.

My suggestion is firstly, you aren't a bad mum. This situation you are in, day in, day out, worrying all the time about your child wishing for a change for the better but not knowing how to make it happen - it's back breakingly difficult. I know it because I live it. You have my sympathies utterly.

Please try to reframe how this is working for your son. He is struggling with something or other, he isn't choosing this, he probably doesn't like it at all. Feeling like a baby at age 5 is about as humiliating as it gets at that age. Try to tread lightly, give him the skills and abilities to sort his cleanliness out as much as possible. We have a special 'changing station' in the bathroom, with labelled drawers and a special bin. This helps her stay organised and focussed, though it isn't perfect. She gets upset about her issues and tries to pretend it isn't there, and avoids getting cleaned up because it makes her sad sometimes. I try to support her through it, while we wait for more professional help.

Keep going. You can do this. It isn't easy, but you can.

You are not a bad mum at all. We all struggle and need more support. Have you though about a referral to The Early Help Hub, Barnardo's or The Children's Wellbeing Service through the local council. See your GP in the first instance. Good luck x

Honestly, read up about ASD and PDA and see if some of the techniques make a difference. This screams additional needs to me... and the ASD/PDA behaviours are incredibly challenging (and make you question your parenting...). You really need to be pushing for more investigations... and sadly it will probably be an uphill struggle.

Well first off, you’re clearly a caring, kind mum, trying to do her best.

You say school / senco don’t think autism is a factor but the rigidity around where you walk on a pavement and the reaction to the telly fast forwarding (Sudden change / lack of control) seem like traits of autism. My 4 yr old dd is being assessed for autism. Perhaps the senco isn’t the best judge.

It might be worth looking at pat techniques recommended for autistic kids and trying some of those. Honestly, teaching and Parenting techniques aimed at SEN kids are usually great for all kids. I’d look at strategies for building emotional resilience.

** sorry, Parenting techniques, not pat techniques.

I would push for additional investigations too like a PP suggested.

It’s not you op. It really isn’t. I spent ages blaming myself for dd1s delayed speech. It took dd2 turning up and talking in full sentences at 18 months to fully give myself permission to accept it wasn’t me.

Honestly, there are some HUGE red flags for additional needs there.

I wouldn't believe your SENCO for one fucking minute... ours knew fuck all, and actually admitted it to me that she knew nothing about dyspraxia or autism.. (yes, really)

they 'humoured' me through the process of him being diagnosed with Dyspraxia at 7. It wasn't until yr3 at primary that they finally admitted SOMETHING wasn't right, and by then i'd taken it out of their hands and gone through the GP.

When we FINALLY got to CAMHs when he was aged 8 the Dr's there were thoroughly disgusted and said it was glaringly obvious, and the Senco was beyond wrong and needed more education.

Speech Delay
Repeating words (its called Echolalia, look it up)
Late potty training.
inability to cope with sudden change of routine
meltdowns

just some of the things you've mentioned there.. all things my son had/has to deal with.

He's currently diagnosed with Dyspraxia, ADHD, Autism, Sensory Processing Disorder, Anxiety and attends a special school.

Please, please please do not listen to your SENCO, there is something else going on here.