Bad Mom but don't know how to change it?

[BadMom82]

Just that really.

I can tell were bad parents from DSs behaviour but I don't know what it is were doing wrong. How do I work out what I'm doing wrong so I can fix it and us?

Example, DS is still in nappies, medical reason being investigated. Fine, not ideal but school are aware were trying and seeking extra help. But even with a medical basis we would be able to get him at least partly trained at 5. He'll go through periods when he'll go to the loo on instruction, will go up and change his nappy, etc and he does it at school but we've just asked him to go and do it and then told him to and he's refused because he doesn't want to. Was warned I would do it. Still refused so I took him upstairs and changed him. He doesn't like this as he's not a baby. I've explained why I needed to do it - nappy leaking, him being stinky, sore bottom etc. He's still shrieked and wailed. Talked about it and he just doesn't want to have to stop playing to change his nappy which makes me think he just doesn't want to stop playing to use the loo and he'd be toilet 🚆 if I was a better Mom.

He's constantly shouting, just random words usually, he'll repeat the same word over and over and over even if o acknowledge him until I end up telling him to shut up.

If we even threaten the naughty step he's hysterical. If we carry it our he literally screams for the 5 minutes and cries but it doesn't change his behaviour.

The telly randomly fast forwarded itself, instead of telling me he starts screaming hysterics. I tell him to stop screaming and use words and he'll generally stop but it's every time anything less that what he wants happens. So of o walk on the wrong bit of the pavement for example he'll shriek at me. He's told not to talk to me like that, to ask nicely, he'll apologise and calm down then do it again.

He's the funniest kid, he loves affection and did his singing lesson from my lap this morning, says hello to anyone, helps me with his baby siblings, but when he's disobedient he's awful.

And I know it's not his fault because he's a child who is being massively failed by his parents but I don't know what to do instead

and when i say humoured me, they didnt really believe there was anything wrong.. i had the last laugh when the Occupational Therapy team saw him and came back with a diagnosis of SEVERE dyspraxia and he had to go through 6 months of OT and have a load of sensory equipment provided by the school, along with a crap load of support, and therapy IN school alongside his OT at the specialist center.

Have I got this right; he's in nappies all the time,but at school he changes his own nappy? Or does he use a toilet at school?

You mention plural babies, if you've got twins both in nappies and taking a lot of your time and attention, then maybe he sees his own dirty nappies as a sure way to get and keep your attention?

Have you tried taking away nappies and putting him in normal pants? Not waterproofs, not pullup nappies, just pants (under trousers or shorts)

Oh, and Dyspraxia (Developmental co-ordination Disorder to give it its proper name) isn't just a physical disorder, it also affects their emotional and social development to a delay of up to 20% and can cause Sensory issues.

@MeMarmite

I feel for you. A child in nappies at that age is very stressful for lots of reasons.

I have a 7yo in pull-ups. There is simply no way that she is purposefully soiling herself, so I don't mention friends, I don't try to shame her or over-explain. She's quite clearly got additional needs, she's being assessed for ASD and is under the paediatric continence team at our local hospital. Everything has slowed down massively, unfortunately, in terms of appointments, so we are in a holding pattern. I'm pretty sure she has interoception issues.

My suggestion is firstly, you aren't a bad mum. This situation you are in, day in, day out, worrying all the time about your child wishing for a change for the better but not knowing how to make it happen - it's back breakingly difficult. I know it because I live it. You have my sympathies utterly.

Please try to reframe how this is working for your son. He is struggling with something or other, he isn't choosing this, he probably doesn't like it at all. Feeling like a baby at age 5 is about as humiliating as it gets at that age. Try to tread lightly, give him the skills and abilities to sort his cleanliness out as much as possible. We have a special 'changing station' in the bathroom, with labelled drawers and a special bin. This helps her stay organised and focussed, though it isn't perfect. She gets upset about her issues and tries to pretend it isn't there, and avoids getting cleaned up because it makes her sad sometimes. I try to support her through it, while we wait for more professional help.

Keep going. You can do this. It isn't easy, but you can.

Thank you. He has all the bits in the bathroom and when he wants to, he can do it all (except wiping which is esp hard as he soils standing up not sitting down so it's all, yeah). Does it himself at school top albeit slowly which means he doesn't always get full playtime but school are encouraging him best they can. Were awaiting appts with general parts and bowel specialist.

He hates being a baby and I have tried telling him thats what everyone will think he is on a bid to try and make him just try harder. Bad then I think what if it IS just laziness and bad parenting? Everyone else I know had their kids toilet trained on time. What if it's us and the subsequent babies are the same and I have three on nappies at 5 and 10

Have I got this right; he's in nappies all the time,but at school he changes his own nappy? Or does he use a toilet at school? Nappies full time. School send him to loo to try sitting on it and to change himself. At home we try the same but some fuss he just won't and last attempt as no nappies toilet training we had two days of pee on the floor before he just regressed, wouldn't try and cried/whined for nappies

I don't think you are a bad parent at all.
A visual or sound cue as a sort of countdown re nappy changing might help, especially if he has difficulty with language, having something other than you telling him might just help him prepare for the inevitable in his head. If he has had language difficulties, someone talking and having to think can be just too much like hard work for him! Schools use this technique a lot, especially in early years usually before changing an activity or for tidy up time.
Something like a large egg timer or a favorite piece of music, or even a couple of little picture cards (maybe three cards with a picture of the bathroom in three different colours?) Talk about what you are going to do to help him before he needs it and show him the timer / cards / choose the music.
When you notice it's nappy changing time you tell him "soon time to change your nappy" and give him the timer or start the music. Remind him when it's half way and when it's time to go.
Or - give him the first card with your words (keep them short) then the next a few minutes later and the final one when the time is up.
Don't talk about anything else or say a lot whilst the time is running. Keep the language to a minimum so he can finish his play or get to a good point to pause in time to go and change.

Worth a try?

inability to cope with sudden change of routine thing is we don't have a strict routine. He doesn't get distressed of we change plans just of he's interrupted doing what he wants to do. So if he's mid performance on playing with his action figures he'll shriek and cry
meltdowns if o gave in immediately hedstop,isn't that the difference between a proper meltdown and just him having a tantrum

You don't sound like a bad mum. I have a five year old in nappies, have been trying to get help for years and have had various HV sending me on parenting courses, suggesting strategies I've tried many times and basically making me feel like I'm a shit mum and it's all my fault. FINALLY, now he's started school, the school nurses have been brilliant, supportive and he is being assessed for sensory processing and dyspraxia. Like other people on this thread, it seems additional needs are only recognised when you are eventually lucky enough to find someone who will help.

Like you, i've blamed myself - and it's hard to realise that there may be other factors.
It doesn't help that there's so much judgement in the media about 'lazy' parents who can't be bothered to potty train. Keep pushing for more assessment/support, in my experience it's worth it.

@2bazookas

Have I got this right; he's in nappies all the time,but at school he changes his own nappy? Or does he use a toilet at school?

You mention plural babies, if you've got twins both in nappies and taking a lot of your time and attention, then maybe he sees his own dirty nappies as a sure way to get and keep your attention?

Have you tried taking away nappies and putting him in normal pants? Not waterproofs, not pullup nappies, just pants (under trousers or shorts)

Just pees in them. Sometimes he notices, sometimes not. Sometimes he cares, sometimes not. And yes babies, but toilet training predates them. He could get us to take him to the loo to do the nappies but he doesn't, he hates me changing it etc which o think of it was just attention would be the opposite?

@Calabasa tbf when o mentioned dyspraxia she offered to refer it through school as it would be easier for me than GP.

A visual or sound cue as a sort of countdown re nappy changing might help Def worth a try. At school unless he poos unexpectedly it's very on scheduled. Break time, lunch time, whatever time. And we do it when we get home with nominal complaint (not none!) so maybe that would help, routine, warning etc. Thanls

School / SENCO don't think autism is a factor

Please DO NOT assume that they're right in this. Not every school or SENCO is actually clued up about this.

My DS went all through primary school with SENCO involved for 7 years with the problems he was having. They didn't think he had autism, despite all these problems.

Lo and behold, he saw a paediatrician at 11 for something else and the paediatrician looked at him, looked at his record and told us he ought to be assessed for autism.

Now he has an autism diagnosis and things make so much more sense.

DO NOT assume that the SENCO knows what they're talking about.

I do think he has some sensory issues, he's still quite restricted on diet and it's all "wet" foods he avoids. Left in peace he'd barely eat anything, and he'd drink in spurts and starts. No issue with being wet, cold, soiled, even tho he smells bad. Never used warm water if he has a choice and doesn't seem to feel the cold. It's like from one extreme to the other. School have done wonders in terms of him touching stuff - paint, sand, gloop etc. I wondered if the shouting think was about input

@BadMom82

inability to cope with sudden change of routine thing is we don't have a strict routine. He doesn't get distressed of we change plans just of he's interrupted doing what he wants to do. So if he's mid performance on playing with his action figures he'll shriek and cry meltdowns if o gave in immediately hedstop,isn't that the difference between a proper meltdown and just him having a tantrum

Thats a change, its still a change... even thought its more an issue with transitioning from one thing to the next.

They need a warning, they need time to process that they are going to have to stop A to do B.

Its something my son CANNOT handle, at all... in fact transitional change without warning is the MOST likely to trigger a full on violent meltdown, especially if he's playing.

I have to pre-warn him by at minimum 10 minutes, but longer is better, then given him periodic 'you have x minutes before you need to do y'
if i suddenly go 'stop that, we need to do this' he will very likely actually go for me physically because he simply cannot handle the sudden change.

It sounds very likely he has disorganised sensory input, which means he may not feel when he needs to go, or only sometimes. Read up on interoception.

@GreenShrimp

School / SENCO don't think autism is a factor

Please DO NOT assume that they're right in this. Not every school or SENCO is actually clued up about this.

My DS went all through primary school with SENCO involved for 7 years with the problems he was having. They didn't think he had autism, despite all these problems.

Lo and behold, he saw a paediatrician at 11 for something else and the paediatrician looked at him, looked at his record and told us he ought to be assessed for autism.

Now he has an autism diagnosis and things make so much more sense.

DO NOT assume that the SENCO knows what they're talking about.

We haven't seen the paed face to face (new one) but the old one saw him about 18 months / 2 years ago. Thing is he's so different when we're out, or if people are here. I know why people ask, but no one who actually meets him queries it, just the ones that see the harder side on paper

My DS has dietary issues as well, indifferent to food. And no problems staying in a dirt nappy if I'd let him!
I just wanted to add, I totally get your worry that it will be the same for your younger children - I was terrified about that too. My younger child is 2 and is out of nappies no problem. The whole experience was so completely different from my eldest that it finally began to convince me it wasn't just me being rubbish, DS had a lot more issues and the standard techniques just didn't work, not because I wasn't firm enough or competent enough or gave up too easily.

@Calabasa we do it with playing, leaving for school etc but not toiletting. I don't know why but I'll try.

@MeMarmite I've read about about interoception, will check out the other thing. We do think he can't feel it, he's tells us he can't feel it till too late. Undiagnosed constipation as he was pooing daily hasn't helped but that's now medicated for and it's one of the reasons I've asked for appt with bowel clinic, plus he had a bowel resec at 1

Re SN, I think we've spent so long being TD he'll have them (prem, v poorly baby, lots of intervention at birth) and were finally AT EXPECTED LEVEL in mainstream, he has a few friends (altho they do all the work) and o feel like I'm just looking for a new label because the old ones have worn out

School / SENCO don't think autism is a factor

With the greatest of respect to school and his SENCO if they're not seeing the behaviours that you're seeing at home, they're not really able to judge. I taught Reception for 7 years and have a son with autism and dyspraxia, I'm also a qualified SENCO and would suggest you go and see your GP and push this more with the school. Begin keeping a diary of behaviours and concerns, things like sensory issues are also worth noting down, and if you're willing to look at parenting classes to help you offer him calm and consistent support will help whilst you wait for outside help they could also help.

We ended up going private for support with DS1's dyspraxia because our local support was dire - the OT we saw was spectacular and helped us enormously. Is that something you could consider?

You need to find ways to build your confidence in your own parenting - this is easier said than done but it will help all of you in the long run. You sound like a lovely parent, go easy on yourself.

I haven't read all the comments and I'm sure it's been said before but you are not a bad mum!! Bad mums do not care about their kids behaviour or development!

I know you say he's much better at school but that still isn't a reflection on you, kids act out more in places they are comfortable and with people they trust! So the fact he's doing in mostly at home makes perfect sense because he's safe and he knows it.

Stop looking for fault in yourself and insist on some help & support from you GP & HV! It's really difficult to get help with these things.. It does sound like he's quite impulsive and reactive.. it may well be nothing just a little slower learning to manage his emotions.

Sometimes reward can work better than consequence. So lots of praise when he does what you want and ignoring the negatives as much as you can. Easier said than done when it's your daily life though.

Just out of interest the thing that worked for my "not autistic" child was parenting as if he was. A friend with a child on the spectrum spotted signs and helped me with it. Absolutely a turning point. He was later diagnosed after an ex psych couldn't believe it had been missed. I'm not necessarily saying that's what's going on here but you are definitely not a bad mum. I know the feeling of self blame all too well. Your child has additional needs of some form and you need to be kind to yourselves and sort of work with his ways rather than what society/others accept as the done thing.

Begin keeping a diary of behaviours and concerns, things like sensory issues are also worth noting down, I've been thinking of that during this thread thanks
and if you're willing to look at parenting classes to help you offer him calm and consistent support will help whilst you wait for outside help they could also help. I had a letter Friday and I have to call to opt on to web classes and then they'll send me a list and then I pick and then dates.... But yes I've asked and willing to do anything to make him happier

I have his Dla (physical stuff like feeding tube) so of there's something he needs within limits there's money for it. Not much money besides that as I don't work but it's doable

@DrCoconut that makes sense. I'm aware he Def has some traits

It occurs to me that one of the big issues with DS is he can't multitask. Now ok he's 5, I'm not expecting much.

But for those with 5 or overs, I don't know how typical that is? So say he's doing an "episode" with his toys - so a set storyline that has to end on the superheros winning. If o disturb that - food, loo, dressing etc he gets really worked up. He can't just go back to it either -so no shit mom up and then get back to the baddy falling in the ditch. He has to start from the beginning. If I call out a time warning he can sometimes speed it up but he does have to finish it, he can't leave it and come back to it.

Does that sound normal for a 5 yo or...?

@BadMom82

It occurs to me that one of the big issues with DS is he can't multitask. Now ok he's 5, I'm not expecting much. But for those with 5 or overs, I don't know how typical that is? So say he's doing an "episode" with his toys - so a set storyline that has to end on the superheros winning. If o disturb that - food, loo, dressing etc he gets really worked up. He can't just go back to it either -so no shit mom up and then get back to the baddy falling in the ditch. He has to start from the beginning. If I call out a time warning he can sometimes speed it up but he does have to finish it, he can't leave it and come back to it.

Does that sound normal for a 5 yo or...?

Honestly, this all sounds like he has additional needs. Please speak to school about getting him assessed.