Bad Mom but don't know how to change it?

[BadMom82]

Just that really.

I can tell were bad parents from DSs behaviour but I don't know what it is were doing wrong. How do I work out what I'm doing wrong so I can fix it and us?

Example, DS is still in nappies, medical reason being investigated. Fine, not ideal but school are aware were trying and seeking extra help. But even with a medical basis we would be able to get him at least partly trained at 5. He'll go through periods when he'll go to the loo on instruction, will go up and change his nappy, etc and he does it at school but we've just asked him to go and do it and then told him to and he's refused because he doesn't want to. Was warned I would do it. Still refused so I took him upstairs and changed him. He doesn't like this as he's not a baby. I've explained why I needed to do it - nappy leaking, him being stinky, sore bottom etc. He's still shrieked and wailed. Talked about it and he just doesn't want to have to stop playing to change his nappy which makes me think he just doesn't want to stop playing to use the loo and he'd be toilet 🚆 if I was a better Mom.

He's constantly shouting, just random words usually, he'll repeat the same word over and over and over even if o acknowledge him until I end up telling him to shut up.

If we even threaten the naughty step he's hysterical. If we carry it our he literally screams for the 5 minutes and cries but it doesn't change his behaviour.

The telly randomly fast forwarded itself, instead of telling me he starts screaming hysterics. I tell him to stop screaming and use words and he'll generally stop but it's every time anything less that what he wants happens. So of o walk on the wrong bit of the pavement for example he'll shriek at me. He's told not to talk to me like that, to ask nicely, he'll apologise and calm down then do it again.

He's the funniest kid, he loves affection and did his singing lesson from my lap this morning, says hello to anyone, helps me with his baby siblings, but when he's disobedient he's awful.

And I know it's not his fault because he's a child who is being massively failed by his parents but I don't know what to do instead

This doesn't sound like bad parenting at all - for a start if it were, you wouldn't care about these issues and would just be shrugging your shoulders about it.

It really does sound like your son has additional needs that should be investigated.

PDA is on the spectrum of Autism, it’s a ‘new’ diagnosis and a lot of the NHS trusts don’t recognise it as a stand alone diagnosis.

OP have you looked at sensory processing disorder?

Just to add to other posters saying not all schools are great at picking autism up, I have 2 on the spectrum and most of what you're saying is familiar.

I have looked at it bit tbh I wouldn't know where to start with getting a diagnosis esp as he's so different at home. He's the perfect kid at school and then wired and hyper on the way home.

I think I'll start to keep a diary and then look at speaking to his paed. She's the one who has sorted the parenting classes, and the ot referral, it's just she's never met him

I just don't know how to distinguish between bad parenting and something more. And I don't mean bad as ambivalent but we aren't the strictest, he had a hard first two years so he's been a bit over indulged and babied I guess and it's hard to differentiate between how he is because of us and how he is because he's him

^It occurs to me that one of the big issues with DS is he can't multitask. Now ok he's 5, I'm not expecting much.
But for those with 5 or overs, I don't know how typical that is? So say he's doing an "episode" with his toys - so a set storyline that has to end on the superheros winning. If o disturb that - food, loo, dressing etc he gets really worked up. He can't just go back to it either -so no shit mom up and then get back to the baddy falling in the ditch. He has to start from the beginning. If I call out a time warning he can sometimes speed it up but he does have to finish it, he can't leave it and come back to it.

Does that sound normal for a 5 yo or...?^

No, this sounds like a flag for additional needs. Honestly, this is just like my daughter who has suspected autism. You’re flagging two autistic traits here - not being able to multi task (autistic people struggle sigh executive functioning) and the style of play you’re talking about - the set, story line, that he has to finish, that he can’t get interrupted from. This is rigid, repetitive play - another trait of autism. My daughter is exactly the same - we use timers to help her. If she needs the loo and is in the middle of this, she will have to finish her play first. HAVE TO. She literally couldn’t cope otherwise.

Do not believe they senco. A huge number of autistic kids are missed and not receiving a diagnosis till much much later.

It is not you. Start parenting him as if he is autistic and pursue an assessment. The National Autistic Society is helpful.

Things that help are:

• visuals (timetables, social stories)
• warnings of transitions (timers - even just one on your phone if it has a visual)
• don’t overload his day. Lots of breaks - time to himself.
• helping him feel in control of his environment as much as possible

I have toilet trained my daughter so I’ll try to write more later on what helped that but I think it might not be that useful.

Has he got an OT referral? Help from a good OT could help here. It could be hugely related to sensory issues.

If he’s got two baby siblings and has started back at school, he is coping with a lots that would likely be incredible stressful if he is autistic.

Lots of kids 'keep it together' during school hours, where the day follows a strict, predictable pattern of events.

Once they leave that environment, it's just too difficult to continue high levels of effort/concentration.

I often make sure my child gets a snack as soon as we get in, and then she hangs out in her room for a while to decompress.

I'm a primary school teacher and am also autistic (very late adult diagnosis). I agree with everybody else that you are a great mum and that every thing you post about your ds screams additional needs.

Don't let the fact that your ds shows different behaviour at school and at home make you doubt yourself. At school, there are likely to be regular routines and systems which make the day predictable and easier to conform to. (It would be interesting to see how he copes with unexpected change such as fire drill). He will also be able to copy the behaviour of a whole class of other children eg when lining up or when going to sit on the carpet.

By the time that he gets home, he is likely to be exhausted by a day of "behaving well" and be unable to cope with further demands.

I am reading and digesting but it's complicated. I think if any of you were here now you'd just see a typical child albeit one who is noisy and never still. The"bad" stuff is a small part of that. I know there's some flags, but I just don't know if they're a large enough part of his day iyswim

I just don't know how to distinguish between bad parenting and something more. And I don't mean bad as ambivalent but we aren't the strictest, he had a hard first two years so he's been a bit over indulged and babied I guess and it's hard to differentiate between how he is because of us and how he is because he's him

What I eventually learnt is that this is a completely pointless way of spending your time: it is focusing on you and how you feel when you're going to need to focus that time and energy on helping him and finding out what he needs now.

My dd didn't really care if I was to blame or not. She cared about her quality of life. Only that. I know I got things wrong, we both know that, but since I couldn't go back in time and undo them, I needed to move forward.

The first few years aren't the only time you're ever going to get. My brother spent the first couple of years in an orphanage. Of course that wasn't ideal but it was what our parents had to work with. So they focused on his immediate needs and what he needed for the future.

Again, you don't need to know where to place him on a chart of special needs/not special needs. You just need to think about what he struggles with and think about where you can source ways of helping him. And for that, the same person who might give him a diagnosis or might not may well be able to help you.

And yes, you may well be afraid of hearing the words "You did this". Or "You silly person, why are you making a fuss about this?" We all fear that. But the thing is, as the parent of a child who is struggling, you need to take that risk. You need to become fearless.

To be honest I’m echoing others as your post screams potential SEN to me. It has absolutely nothing to do with you also, I’ve taught children in EYFS who will legitimately shit themselves into their pants rather than stop playing Lego, so honestly he’s not alone there 🥲

I'm wondering about autism based on what you've said OP, obv I'm not qualified to guess but I am a mum to a child with ASD and alot of this sounds familiar.

@corythatwas I just mean they require different approaches. If it's just bad behaviour then it needs boundaries and punishments

@corythatwas

And yes, you may well be afraid of hearing the words "You did this". Or "You silly person, why are you making a fuss about this?" We all fear that. But the thing is, as the parent of a child who is struggling, you need to take that risk. You need to become fearless.

I used to be, before he got more fixed medically and people started treating him more like a "normal / typical" child.

It sounds like autism to me, my dn has it and what you've described is very similar to his profile. I'd go to your gp and ask for an assessment referral. If you can afford to do it privately then do it because it's a long wait otherwise.

www.autism.org.uk/

I just mean they require different approaches. If it's just bad behaviour then it needs boundaries and punishments

I'm not so sure about this. Even if (and I really don't believe it), you have caused his problems by being soft on him, you can't just suddenly change tack and punish his way out of that. You're still going to need a strategy.

Conversely, if he does have SN, he's still going to need boundaries.

The"bad" stuff is a small part of that. I know there's some flags, but I just don't know if they're a large enough part of his day iyswim

It’s not your job to know whether his needs will be strong enough to get a diagnosis.

But honestly, my daughter would present as Neurotypical a huge amount of time. Or her traits would be passed off as day dreaming, or being a drama queen etc etc. This will be true for many children on the autistic spectrum who are verbal.

I know it's not that black and white, but I just mean in general, you wouldn't dream with a screening fit at the word no the same way. But I think a previous comment about trying to deal with him as though he had autism might be worth a try because correctly my current parenting strategy isn't working