Do I tell my mum how I’m feeling about inheritance situation?

[MarcelineMissouri]

Earlier this year my mum sat me down and explained she’d decided to leave her house to my brother instead of to both of us. That will basically be the bulk of the inheritance. There will not really be anything else. Due to location it’s a relatively expensive house though. Her reason for this is that my brother has no money and dh and I are comfortable financially.

My brother lives abroad and works for the church. The church support him - he makes no money. My mother is a committed Christian and is extremely supportive of this. He is very bright and talented with a Russell Group degree - in other words this lifestyle is completely his choice and not for lack of other opportunities.

Dh and I are comfortable but not rich. In addition his job has become quite precarious because of the pandemic. It will probably remain precarious for sometime so who knows what the future holds. The industry he has worked his whole life in is being decimated so if he did lose his job it’s unlikely he’d manage to get anything similar. I work but on a low salary after a lot of years out as a sahm.

Ultimately I accept that it is my mother’s decision to do as she sees fit. I also realise there may be nothing left anyway as her house could end up being sold to cover care home fees. And I hope it goes without saying that I would rather hang on to my mum for as long as possible and be left with nothing (and I did say that to her at the time)

The thing is it’s playing on my mind and has been for months, for 2 reasons. Firstly the pandemic and our resulting financial situation which takes away from her point that it’s ok to do this because dh and I are comfortable, and secondly, because I’ve always felt she preferred my brother anyway. He’s been a Christian since we were young. I am not. I was a troubled teen who was a pain in the bum, and I obviously live a non Christian life now which she does not like. I know she loves me and we get on fine but deep down this feels like yet another sign that she views my brother differently to me. I feel I need to say something because I’m feeling quite bitter about it but I don’t know if that would be the right thing to do. It isn’t specifically about the money because I wouldn’t care if neither of us got anything, but to leave everything to my brother because of choices he made when he too could have a decent job and comfortable life just feels unfair.

Should I tell her how I feel or just leave it? It feels like a very awkward conversation to have. I genuinely believe I’m not entitled to anything, but also feel that if there is anything it should be split between me and my brother.

[IdblowJonSnow]

Yanbu to tell her how you feel.
This is blatantly unfair. She shouldn't sub her adult, very able son, because of choices he has made at your detriment.

[DougRossIsTheBoss]

If he had done non religious charity work would people feel any differently??

I'm just wondering...

[SugarCoatIt]

Definitely express how you feel OP.

I always think inheritance should be divided equally, as otherwise, it's just not fair.

You should not be penalised for being in a better financial position as at this moment in time, I daresay your Brother won't want for anything he needs to fulfill his life at the moment, plus he doesn't have the burden of financial responsibility or financial dependants.

[Adventine]

As someone who has just sorted out the estate of my DM last year, who had left her will very uneven. I’d say talk about it.

For me it was too late and now there is hurt for more than one of us.

[Alethiometrical]

YANBU @MarcelineMissouri

Money in these situations is generally symbolic of other things - in this case, your mother's regard for you. I've seen this happen in my close family and I've seen the psychological devastation it can do to a grown person when they are left out of their parent's will. For all that we are grown-ups, that desire for our parents' love & regard is fundamental to us all.

Perhaps you could approach it via this -not talk about the money, but tell her that her decision has hurt you deeply in ways you didn't expect because it appears to demonstrate that your mother prefers your brother over you? Don't talk about the money, but the favouritism or preference?

But if you did get to talking about the money, you put it really well in your OP:

I genuinely believe I’m not entitled to anything, but also feel that if there is anything it should be split between me and my brother.

Of course, if your brother is truly Christian, in the event of your mother dying and leaving all to him, he would split it 50/50 with you. But ...

[Moomin12345]

Is he's really a Christian surely he'll offer you half of the inheritance anyway?

[Fluffycloudland77]

It is a bit of a fuck you and what would he do with it? Donate it to the church?.

My grandmother did this, signed her house over to her dd and changed her will to exclude my dad. Aunt then moved her partner in and started assaulting my gran. Dad walked away and left them to it because she wouldn’t get the police involved so she spent her last years living in the converted garage.

[Ritasueandbobtoo9]

Mum, feel free to leave your house to DB but don’t expect me to care for you because you clearly care for him more.

[MsIrrational]

Absolutely talk to your mum. She can't rely on your comfortable situation remaining that way. Your brothers lifestyle is out of choice - not because he is struggling.

[Noidea2114]

She might say she would go in a care home rather than rely on you for care if she gets to that state.
But when it faces her she won't want to leave her home.

[FortunesFave]

I reckon the 12% who voted YABU are the sort of parents who'd do what OP's Mum has done and try to justify it.

[NovemberRain2]

@Ritasueandbobtoo9

Mum, feel free to leave your house to DB but don’t expect me to care for you because you clearly care for him more.

Do you care for your parents with the expectation you will receive money?

The OP's mum has clearly sais she is leaving brother the house is he doesn't have one and OP does! What's so hard to understand about that??

[NovemberRain2]

@MsIrrational

Absolutely talk to your mum. She can't rely on your comfortable situation remaining that way. Your brothers lifestyle is out of choice - not because he is struggling.

OP's decision to have kids and years out of the workforce was her choice too!

[Candleabra]

@Noidea2114

She might say she would go in a care home rather than rely on you for care if she gets to that state.
But when it faces her she won't want to leave her home.

Totally.
Especially if dementia is involved as the decision making is no longer rational.

[TrickyD]

Is your brother aware of this arrangement? You should talk to him and express your feelings about it. If he has any decency he will ask your mum to rearrange her affairs to make them more fair.

My very rich brother told my mum clearly that he should not be left anything in her will, everything should be divided between my other brother and me,; we were far less rich!

[Throwntothewolves]

This isn't about the money, it's about the fairness of the situation. I'm sorry your mum is doing this OP. She isn't being a good Christian at all, perhaps your brother could explain this to her, she may listen to him. Given his lifestyle he probably isn't interested in any financial gain, so I'm not sure what your mum is trying to achieve here other than to show you how she feels about each of you.

[Candleabra]

Do you care for your parents with the expectation you will receive money?

No. But I would expect equal treatment.

[PicsInRed]

Do you care for your parents with the expectation you will receive money?

I care for people who care for (and about) me and my children. I don't care for people who damage me then further punish me for the damage they caused, to the permanent material detriment of me and my children.

No one is entitled to inheritance. No one is entitled to old age care, either. The highly selfish and entitled often forget that part when announcing their great care for the cat home.

[Roussette]

It really is irrelevant that the OP has a house and the brother doesn't. He chose a path that meant he wasn't perhaps financially secure, why should the OP be penalised for what she's done?

Also, circumstaces change, what was the saying... we're just 2 (or is it 1) paycheck away from living on the street.
When my parents were at the end of their lives, as I say my sister was at a tricky time in her life and I know it crossed my parents mind to make their will far more in her favour. They didn't, I would have resented it, because she was still fairly comfortable even though getting divorced. She was a total favourite with them, unlike me. Now she's mega rich so it would not have been fair at all.
As I say
Circumstances change

[LakieLady]

Inheritance issues can get very emotional and unequal provision can feel like unequal love, or that one of you is being punished for some historic transgression.

I think you need to tell your mother how you feel OP, but make clear it's not just about the money.

[Love51]

@DougRossIsTheBoss said
To my mind inheritance shouldn't somehow be tied to support offered in old age. That's payback for the support they gave you as a child and maybe as a grandparent too.


The thing is though, raising a child is a LOT more rewarding than providing high level of personal care to an elderly person who may live with dementia for decades. You choose how many children to have (multiple births aside) and you choose your co-parent (with some exceptions serious in nature but very few in number). The stage I'm at which is basically just companionship is fine as part of natural relationships, but I've seen people trying to care at home, while raising children, for people who can't differentiate day and night, can't eat without help, and get scared when they do a poo. With the baby / toddler phase, they grow out of it in 18 months and grow up. With elder care, the only release (if you won't use a home) is death. They aren't comparable.

[BloggersBlog]

@Roussette

Ahhh right OP has posted about care of her Mum. But even if she does go in a home, there is visiting, sorting out finances, probably applying to be a Power of Attorney (totally necessary AFAIC), sorting out the house if/when she does go in a home....
There is still a lot of 'care'.

This 100%. A few years ago I would not have realised what goes into caring for my parents. But it isnt a case of DM going to live in "Cedar Trees Lovely Home" and that is it. My DPs are still in their own home, but a lot is involved in this.

There is a lot that goes into it, and unless you make things clear now before she gets to that stage, it WILL fall on to you. If you are happy with that, great. But it will impact your life, and her, you and your brother and you need to get realistic now and have a plan in place

[NovemberRain2]

@Roussette

It really is irrelevant that the OP has a house and the brother doesn't. He chose a path that meant he wasn't perhaps financially secure, why should the OP be penalised for what she's done?

Also, circumstaces change, what was the saying... we're just 2 (or is it 1) paycheck away from living on the street.
When my parents were at the end of their lives, as I say my sister was at a tricky time in her life and I know it crossed my parents mind to make their will far more in her favour. They didn't, I would have resented it, because she was still fairly comfortable even though getting divorced. She was a total favourite with them, unlike me. Now she's mega rich so it would not have been fair at all.
As I say
Circumstances change

Yes but OP chose to have kids and not work for a while. How is that different? Why is her choice valid and her brother's not?

[Tierful]

IME there’s a lot of Christians who still view women as very much secondary to men.

Do you think your mum would do the same if you & your brothers roles were reversed?

And the posts saying maybe your brother will share, that’s not the point - the hurt that your mum didn’t treat you equally will already be done.

[NovemberRain2]

@Candleabra

*Do you care for your parents with the expectation you will receive money?*

No. But I would expect equal treatment.

Equity doesn't always mean giving everyone the same.