Do I tell my mum how I’m feeling about inheritance situation?

[MarcelineMissouri]

Earlier this year my mum sat me down and explained she’d decided to leave her house to my brother instead of to both of us. That will basically be the bulk of the inheritance. There will not really be anything else. Due to location it’s a relatively expensive house though. Her reason for this is that my brother has no money and dh and I are comfortable financially.

My brother lives abroad and works for the church. The church support him - he makes no money. My mother is a committed Christian and is extremely supportive of this. He is very bright and talented with a Russell Group degree - in other words this lifestyle is completely his choice and not for lack of other opportunities.

Dh and I are comfortable but not rich. In addition his job has become quite precarious because of the pandemic. It will probably remain precarious for sometime so who knows what the future holds. The industry he has worked his whole life in is being decimated so if he did lose his job it’s unlikely he’d manage to get anything similar. I work but on a low salary after a lot of years out as a sahm.

Ultimately I accept that it is my mother’s decision to do as she sees fit. I also realise there may be nothing left anyway as her house could end up being sold to cover care home fees. And I hope it goes without saying that I would rather hang on to my mum for as long as possible and be left with nothing (and I did say that to her at the time)

The thing is it’s playing on my mind and has been for months, for 2 reasons. Firstly the pandemic and our resulting financial situation which takes away from her point that it’s ok to do this because dh and I are comfortable, and secondly, because I’ve always felt she preferred my brother anyway. He’s been a Christian since we were young. I am not. I was a troubled teen who was a pain in the bum, and I obviously live a non Christian life now which she does not like. I know she loves me and we get on fine but deep down this feels like yet another sign that she views my brother differently to me. I feel I need to say something because I’m feeling quite bitter about it but I don’t know if that would be the right thing to do. It isn’t specifically about the money because I wouldn’t care if neither of us got anything, but to leave everything to my brother because of choices he made when he too could have a decent job and comfortable life just feels unfair.

Should I tell her how I feel or just leave it? It feels like a very awkward conversation to have. I genuinely believe I’m not entitled to anything, but also feel that if there is anything it should be split between me and my brother.

[Meraas]

I'm nearing the end of more than five years of extreme caring responsibilities for my parents. It has broken me. It creeps up on you, you don't start off with 24 hour responsibility but suddenly there you are with no life and health problems caused by stress and neglect.

Sorry to hear that @Candleabra do you have siblings and do they not help?

[Meraas]

@Helmetbymidnight

they never share (ime)

he'll say its mums wishes...

💯

[Requinblanc]

I never understand why parents do this...don't they realise this is simply going to cause pain to one of the adult children and division in the family?

The right thing would be to share things equally. This would still give more than enough support your brother financially.

Also as people have mentioned if your brother lives abroad and will continue to do so does your mother expect you to deal with her care when she needs support? because if she does then she is also taking you for granted.

I would have a conversation with her and explain that you feel like her choice is unfair and unreasonable and also make sure to discuss with her what her plans are in term of her care needs when/if she has some. That should give her a good dose of reality...

You are not mercenary for doing this because if you take on some caring responsibilities it will have an emotional and financial impact on your life. Your mother needs to accept that.

[Roussette]

You're not entitled to anything. You're approaching this as if you are

By that reasoning, nor is her brother.
Why should the OP just accept an unfair decision without saying what she feels. She sounds a reasonable person, her DM might well not change her mind, fair enough, her decision, but you can say how you feel about it

[lazylump72]

I would just ask her to clarify her plans and then say why do you feel like that mum? Can you explain to me why you think I am so undeserving? This puts the onus back onher to have a rethink..this also leads on to you being able to say you accept her decision but you are incredibly hurt and distressed that you are being sidelined...this again puts the onus back on her....I think she is being very unreasonable and deliberately hurtful. In our family no one knows except me about the levels of any inheritance that may be left..this was done as I am maybe seen as more sensible than my db but my parents have not told him what he may expect..however their intentions are I take charge of the estate and it is to be distributed equally 4 ways..this is not to be deviated from their instructions are 1/4 to my db 1/4 to me 1/4 each to the two grandchildren,no ifs or buts and I will see that this happens with total transparancy when the time comes and they are not with us anymore.I did advise they spend the bloody lot and have a great time doing so but they wouldnt have that!!! I am so sorry for your hurt OP.

[Camphillgirl]

This happened to me. When my mother died my brother inherited her house even though my husband and I had spent thousands improving it, I got some costume jewellery. After her death my brother was targeted for marriage by several women with grown up children. After he died two men (strangers to me ). inherited the house from their mother ( my brothers widow).

If only I had suggested my mother made a will leaving the house to my brother during his lifetime and then to me or my children on his death. Free will services and careless solicitors do not seem to point out the problems of a poorly worded will. Previously loving families can be torn apart by wills that are made with the best of intentions but cause untold harm

[PicsInRed]

I know any care my mum needs will fall to me which is fine, I love her and she is lovely, and has done so much for me

Don't be a martyr for God's sake.
Maybe she does love you - maybe not - but she is willing to make so clear to you that she prefers your brother that she is disinheriting you. Sit on that for a moment. Nothing for you, nothing for your kids.

You have been disinherited.

Why the fuck would you wipe the bum of someone who carefully and coolly disinherited you for failing to be (reading between the lines) good and pure enough - in favour of a brother who I doubt very much lives the Godly life she presumes if he's abroad and never comes home?

She's not lovely, she literally just disinherited you for a son she never sees - so she needs to provide for her own old age company and care.

OP, please google scapegoat and golden child - I wouldnt be surprised if the trouble you had in your youth was caused by this dynamic. Your mother sounds quite toxic and she will never change. Forgive yourself any further obligation to her.

[thetrees]

This really isn't fair.

Also be aware that if she is expecting you to be the executor too that can be an awful lot of work. I would absolutely put your foot down about that if she won't change her mind about the contents of the will.

[EveryDayIsADuvetDay]

@Newuser991

This is going to sound brutal but as the child who was constantly in her sisters shadow...I would tell her how unfair she is, take a massive step back and wash my hands of her when she is elderly. I'd throw her in a care home and let her house be sold to pay for it.

She doesn't care about you. Half of an expensive house would be enough for your brother.

If she wants to treat you differently then you treat her differently

I agree with this, entirely sensible way of treating oh so christian mother.

[Mrgrinch]

It seems she has thought about this and made a decision about what she wants to do. Those are her wishes and even if you don't think it's fair, you have no right to ask her to change them.

The fact that she has sat you down and explained it to you, not just made a passing comment, meant that she has come to this as a final decision.

[IMNOTSHOUTING]

I actually don't want any inheritence from my mum as we're comfortable and my brother has no prospect of buying a house. That said my mum will split it equally and I'll simply hand my share over to dbro. Unless there was a really compelling reason (e.g. massive disability that needed care) then I think a fair split is the best way.

[Candleabra]

@Meraas

I'm nearing the end of more than five years of extreme caring responsibilities for my parents. It has broken me. It creeps up on you, you don't start off with 24 hour responsibility but suddenly there you are with no life and health problems caused by stress and neglect.

Sorry to hear that *@Candleabra* do you have siblings and do they not help?

I do and they're involved, but live away. I'm the local one (and the eldest daughter). I didn't mean to sound so bitter!
It's just - honestly - I would have never predicted this situation could happen. My parents were young and in great health until we found out they both had serious and degenerative health issues (one physical, one cognitive) at the same time. Almost overnight, the parent/child relationship changed, and, looking back, I took on far too much as I couldn't foresee what I was getting into. I blithely assumed caring was making some meals and helping out a bit with some frail (but still mentally capable) parents - popping in every other day. The reality was awful. Its almost over now (for obvious - and terrible - reasons). I just feel numb though.

[diddl]

"I know any care my mum needs will fall to me which is fine, I love her and she is lovely, and has done so much for me"

Wow!

No wonder she is doing what she has then.

As a pp has put, she is perhaps effectively donating her house through your brother which no doubt appeals to her Christian beliefs as well.

[CatteStreet]

@cptartapp

I agree with pp. She's not lovely. She's creating a situation that is massively unfair and devisive, rewarding life choices she 'approves' of. Quite common and manipulative in older people and certainly not very Christian like IMO. I would think far far less of her as a person if she went ahead with this.

I would express my hurt, and also that you will fully expect her to pay for any care needs as she ages, rather than rely selfishly on you as the runaround. Which is what any decent parent should do anyway.

This is, broadly, my view. I can't be the only person who can't imagine anything worse than my children having to drop their lives to care for me, and I'm going to make it clear to them that they will be doing that at their peril, but I know that a lot of people think differently and I am wondering here if your mother, particularly if her Christianity tends towards the more conservative side of the spectrum, is working from assumptions of women's, specifically daughters' role being to provide that care and not need or expect any 'earthly reward'. I do think this is essentially favouritism dressed up in other grounds to the extent that your mother possibly can't even recognise her real motivations. But I do think you should be 'sitting her down' as she did you and explaining that, in the circumstances, you won't be able to take on any care she needs.

[lottiegarbanzo]

You're not entitled to anything. You're approaching this as if you are

By that reasoning, nor is her brother.

He isn't. No-one thinks he is. There is no entitlement, that's my point. The mother is free to do whatever she wishes with her own money. Cat's home, donkey sanctuary, church, brother. Whatever she likes.

Why should the OP just accept an unfair decision without saying what she feels. She sounds a reasonable person, her DM might well not change her mind, fair enough, her decision, but you can say how you feel about it

Sure, if it makes her feel better to talk it through that's fine and could be a good thing to do. I think it would be a mistake to approach it from a point of view of 'being owed' and of having 'lost' something though. OP has not lost anything, her mum's money was never hers to lose.

[Comtesse]

Good point @PicsInRed is this just the continuation of a much longer pattern with the brother who is the Good Boy?

[BloggersBlog]

I would explain to her that she needs to decide who is going to provide care for her. And whoever that person is, is the one who will inherit the house.
She has to see that of course, she can leave it to whoever. But with her decisions comes the responsibility of her care too.

[Couchbettato]

I second the scapegoat and golden child dynamic.

You're being played like a fiddle. Of course I wouldn't be happy about that.

[NeedToKnow101]

Your mum is bang out of order and very naive expecting you not to be deeply hurt by this.

[KormaKormaChameleon]

You can respect her decision whilst also discussing with her how that decision has made you feel, and I think you should as leaving it all unsaid sounds like it would be more damaging.

[MarcelineMissouri]

Just to be clear on the care needs thing - there is no expectation on my mums part there at all. We haven’t really discussed it but it wouldn’t be her style to be dependent on me or anyone plus I live a couple of hours away so not like I’d just be popping in! She is more likely to want to go into a home than be reliant on me or anyone else.

[Kisskiss]

That’s horrible, I’m sorry .... her money, so ultimately her choice, but I think you should tell her how it makes you feel g she favours your brother) because your feelings are justified and you are totally not being unreasonable
I think it would be different if your brother is disabled and therefore unable to support himself, but his lifestyle is his choice and the church does support him

[Meraas]

@Candleabra it sounds very difficult, you’ve been very selfless, but it’s so unfair that you’ve had to bear this with what sounds like minimal involvement from siblings.

[Roussette]

Sure, if it makes her feel better to talk it through that's fine and could be a good thing to do. I think it would be a mistake to approach it from a point of view of 'being owed' and of having 'lost' something though. OP has not lost anything, her mum's money was never hers to lose

Absolutely not saying she is 'owed'. The OP sounds like a very aware, measured and reasonable person and I don't think for one minute she would come at it from that angle.
However, saying you are hurt by the decision is something I feel she should do.
Especially as she will be the one to take on all the care for her Mum in her old age. How unfair is that?

[GetOffYourHighHorse]

'However, saying you are hurt by the decision is something I feel she should do.'

Absolutely. The mother can do as she pleases but the op is of course allowed to express her hurt at being excluded.