Do I tell my mum how I’m feeling about inheritance situation?

[MarcelineMissouri]

Earlier this year my mum sat me down and explained she’d decided to leave her house to my brother instead of to both of us. That will basically be the bulk of the inheritance. There will not really be anything else. Due to location it’s a relatively expensive house though. Her reason for this is that my brother has no money and dh and I are comfortable financially.

My brother lives abroad and works for the church. The church support him - he makes no money. My mother is a committed Christian and is extremely supportive of this. He is very bright and talented with a Russell Group degree - in other words this lifestyle is completely his choice and not for lack of other opportunities.

Dh and I are comfortable but not rich. In addition his job has become quite precarious because of the pandemic. It will probably remain precarious for sometime so who knows what the future holds. The industry he has worked his whole life in is being decimated so if he did lose his job it’s unlikely he’d manage to get anything similar. I work but on a low salary after a lot of years out as a sahm.

Ultimately I accept that it is my mother’s decision to do as she sees fit. I also realise there may be nothing left anyway as her house could end up being sold to cover care home fees. And I hope it goes without saying that I would rather hang on to my mum for as long as possible and be left with nothing (and I did say that to her at the time)

The thing is it’s playing on my mind and has been for months, for 2 reasons. Firstly the pandemic and our resulting financial situation which takes away from her point that it’s ok to do this because dh and I are comfortable, and secondly, because I’ve always felt she preferred my brother anyway. He’s been a Christian since we were young. I am not. I was a troubled teen who was a pain in the bum, and I obviously live a non Christian life now which she does not like. I know she loves me and we get on fine but deep down this feels like yet another sign that she views my brother differently to me. I feel I need to say something because I’m feeling quite bitter about it but I don’t know if that would be the right thing to do. It isn’t specifically about the money because I wouldn’t care if neither of us got anything, but to leave everything to my brother because of choices he made when he too could have a decent job and comfortable life just feels unfair.

Should I tell her how I feel or just leave it? It feels like a very awkward conversation to have. I genuinely believe I’m not entitled to anything, but also feel that if there is anything it should be split between me and my brother.

[thinkingaboutLangCleg]

I was left everything by an uncle but shared with my siblings.

That’s lovely of you, Weenurse. A happy family is worth more than money.

[Meraas]

'However, saying you are hurt by the decision is something I feel she should do.'

Absolutely. The mother can do as she pleases but the op is of course allowed to express her hurt at being excluded.

Seconded

[Roussette]

Ahhh right OP has posted about care of her Mum. But even if she does go in a home, there is visiting, sorting out finances, probably applying to be a Power of Attorney (totally necessary AFAIC), sorting out the house if/when she does go in a home....
There is still a lot of 'care'.

[Snog]

I would tell her how you feel but don't expect her to change her mind.

[Oldraver]

My Mum (and Dad) did this. Brother always the favourite and was a bit of a waster drifting around loving off women, mostly my Mum, flitting around with 'dreams' while scoffing at my convential workign hard life.

She very gleefully told me as my brother didnt have a house she would make sure he could live in hers for as long as he wanted. So while the estate was split I could never really have the money. Brother would never be able to buy me out.

This was years ago and it did make me very bitter. She then had to redo her wills and I very clearly stated I wanted nothing at all to do with her wills, though not really telling her why

Whenshe harps on about wills she always now says ...well you dont want anything, which is true but only because I want to take away the ability of her to act unfairly

[Disabrie22]

“I love you mum and it’s your money but it hurts me snd makes me feel you favour my brother.”

[Ihatemyseleffordoingthis]

It's not even about the money.

It's a really hurtful thing to say and do. Even if her potential estate were an old teapot and 35p.

I think, if you have otherwise a very good relationship with your mum:
how much it hurts
that her assumptions around your financial stability are wrong

[Livelovebehappy]

If only parents realised the problems caused by decisions such as this. This could potentially cause a big rift between you and your brother. Does your mother really want to leave behind estrangement between her children when she goes? I would be angry, because what she is doing is favouring one of her children above the other, just because they share the same beliefs. I would sit down and speak with her - she may think you’re okay with her decision, when you’re not.

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

I’d say something too
It’s unfair and will drive a wedge

[Meraas]

I sympathise with OP as the sons in our family were allowed to make stupid mistakes and then were compensated for them whereas daughters are expected to just suck it up. They know the sons are useless but still excuse them and give them more. (Property, money).

[saraclara]

I think you should have this conversation with her, and soon. Far harder to bring it up later after it's eaten away at you.
And I would use the actual wording that she's disinheriting you. And disinheriting is what people who have severely fallen out with their children do. And it's very hurtful.

If she's otherwise lovely, she should listen to you and try to empathise. Presumably she's unlikely to react cruelly or nastily to you bringing it up?

[eggsandwich]

A good Christian doesn’t create divisions within the family, sorry but she is very wrong to do this and I would tell her how hurt you are.

Your mother is effectively saying that she supports his life choice rather than yours which is to work hard get married and have children, I would ask her if she would of rather you hadn’t of done any of those things.

[GetOffYourHighHorse]

'A happy family is worth more than money.'

Yes and it isn't just about the value of the house, the mother is potentially passing on hurt and resentment that could well damage the op's relationship with her db. Why don't people think of that when they make wills?

[Meruem]

I do wonder though if this is a case not of money as such but wanting to ensure your brother doesn’t end up homeless. In her mind you have a home to live in but if he loses his job, he does not. It also looks like he has no means to rent, let alone buy. How much her house is worth financially may not have entered her head. I don’t agree with her decision but maybe it’s not as mean spirited as people think.

[topcat2014]

Parents who do this are vile and leave permanent wedges and rifts that never heal

[Piffle11]

I think you have to speak to your DM: if you don’t, the bitterness will increase and you will not be able to come to terms with this. However, you will need to be prepared for the fact that it may not change anything. You may not get the clarity of closure that you seek. I really feel for you, OP: this is an awful thing your mother is doing. Especially considering you will be the one taking care of her as she ages. Has she considered this? Or is she just expecting you to be there for her whilst your brother collects the cash further down the line?

[saraclara]

...and yes, you can use covid as the catalyst for the conversation. Pointing out that you're no longer as secure as she thinks you are, is worth doing.
But I think focusing on the hurt is important. It was certainly the worst thing for my mum when she was unfairly disinherited. The difference was that my GM didn't care.

[PicsInRed]

@BloggersBlog

I would explain to her that she needs to decide who is going to provide care for her. And whoever that person is, is the one who will inherit the house.
She has to see that of course, she can leave it to whoever. But with her decisions comes the responsibility of her care too.

Yes - but don't trust her to follow though. I would insist on a formalised, documented (and independently witnessed by solicitors) testamentary promise of care in exchange for the house. Otherwise, OP is going to end up with the detriment of potentially being unemployed and away from her own family for long periods, caring for this women who will then leave all to a brother OP never even sees.

Be clever, OP, or you'll find yourself heartbroken and shafted.

www.mplaw.co.uk/our-services/services-for-individuals/contested-wills-financial-provision/is-a-promise-or-a-gift-made-before-death-enforceable

[Candleabra]

@Comtesse

Good point *@PicsInRed* is this just the continuation of a much longer pattern with the brother who is the Good Boy?

Yes I wonder that.
I also wonder if mother's plans would be the same, if the brother/sister scenario was reversed.

Or would the OP be the Christian free spirit in need of no material goods. And the brother the responsible family man with children to provide for....

[Mittens030869]

* A good Christian doesn’t create divisions within the family, sorry but she is very wrong to do this and I would tell her how hurt you are.*

^This in spades. As a Christian myself, I wouldn’t be at all happy if my DM cut my DSis out and left everything to me, because I really value my relationship with my DSis and would feel like she was trying to drive a wedge between us.

[lottiegarbanzo]

Well yes, I think explaining her feelings could be a really valuable thing for OP to do. I wonder if she's ever done that before, with her mother?

It would also be sensible for OP to talk to her mum about her plans for later life care. OP is assuming that will fall to her. Her DM may well be assuming the same, perhaps without having given it much thought. There may be practical, as well as emotional reasons why that might not work out (e.g. if OP has to work longer because of a drop in family income from her DH's job).

I certainly think it would be worth OP talking about whether she will want to prioritise elder care, knowing what she does about her mother's priorities. If the church and her own church community is the priority in her DM's life, are there church-related elder care services that might help? would the brother's Christianity extend to humbling himself to the foot (and bum) washing required to honour his own mother in her old age? Might OP want to focus her energies on her own chosen (and disapproved of) life priorities?

[NovemberRain2]

I actually think YABU.

You don't get to dictate how your mother spends her money.

Presumably you have a house and your brother doesn't?

Your brother chose to pursue a cause that your mother believea in firmly. That has meant he has sacrificed a high earning career etc.

You are in a low paid job because you chose to have kids and then not work for a while. You made a choice too, not just your brother.

And your OP imples there is still SOME inheritance for you?

Yeah, it's disappointing but your mum has clearly put a lot of thought into how she wants her money to be spent.

[HighHeelBoots]

I would tell her it feels like she loves him more than you because it does
I'd be so hurt I may even withdraw support. I expect she expects you to do all the drudge, thats what happens to the non favourite child

[Iwonder08]

OP, your mum is not a nice person and certainly doesn't follow through being good Christian.
Do tell her not only how it makes you fell but what her decision represents in reality :pure favouritism.
It sounds like your brother won't bother coming back home to provide any care for his mum when she needs it. I would suggest you should outsource 100%of it and use the house to pay for it

[DougRossIsTheBoss]

I do see it a little bit differently because it's a house and not cash.

A lot of people are sentimentally attached to their family home and maybe don't want to see it sold. My dad's house is a listed building and has been in our family for generations and I would never want it sold to be split 3 ways. If it came to that I'd try to buy my siblings out but not sure if I can afford to.

Maybe she doesn't want to sell the house and she wants him to have a place to live. She isn't seeing it as the cash value just allowing him to return to the family home. Ideally she should try to save some cash to give to you too but maybe she can't afford to.

Maybe she should leave it equally to you both but give him a right to reside there. Like people do with 2nd spouses and children from 1st marriages.

To my mind inheritance shouldn't somehow be tied to support offered in old age. That's payback for the support they gave you as a child and maybe as a grandparent too. Inheritance is a bonus that shouldn't be relied on.