My dsis is killing herself and I don’t know what to do.

[Purplepeopleeaters123]

Name changed for this, for obvious reasons. My dsis has had issues with alcohol for several years now. I suspected things had escalated over the last 12 months, she’d appear to be drunk in the middle of the day sometimes or make excuses to avoid meeting up, choosing to spend time alone. Only today I have found out just how bad things have got.

She lives with my df. He’s started monitoring her drinking, checking for hidden bottles etc. She’s drinking on average 3 litres of wine every night! I’m completely shocked, I’m not a drinker but that sounds like such a ridiculous amount to me. Even worse, she drives to work every morning. I’m terrified she’s going to kill herself or someone else.

After finding out the scale of the problem today I called a lady from al anon. She was lovely but said confronting her isn’t the right approach, that she will already feel terrible about herself and trying to talk to her about it will push her to drink more. Really? I feel like I’m complicit if I do nothing. I told my df not to let her get in the car on Monday morning (I live over an hour away). I just don’t know what to do, how can doing nothing be the right thing to do??

The only action you must definitely take here is to call the police immediately if you know for a fact she’s driving.

I’m sorry. My ex-h died of it and I tried so hard to cure him, so I get it. Perhaps find out if there are any AA meetings after lockdown and offer to take her, so the offer is there, but you can’t make her go or engage or stop drinking.

The Al-Anon phrase is to “detach with love” and it’s shit but nothing else is possible.

Let her know you are there and can help, but she has to accept it.

I'm so sorry OP - I don't have advice, but I wanted you to know that I understand what you're going through

Alcoholism killed my younger brother and watching it happen was (is) traumatising.

@Purplepeopleeaters123 you must be so worried.
My DB had issues with alcohol and he died very young due to them. I genuinely believe it’s a disease. Once in the cycle of addiction (psychological and physical ) people have no control over it.the amount your sister is Sri mind, she will be physically addicted and will need detoxed.
Reduce your expectations- your sister won’t be able to stop drinking herself so don’t expect it. She will know the damage it’s doing. Do t expect her to admit it- the denial is so so powerful. It’s part of the disease.
I’d talk to her and say you were worried about her, happy to help if she needs it. You could mention you were worried about her drinking.
Overall, be loving and forgiving. I’m saying this having lost my brother and having wished I’d done more that.

*is drinking ,not Sri mind!

• don’t expect her to stop drinking

You're not complicit. She's doing this to herself.

It’s very difficult OP. There really is nothing you can do and confrontation doesn’t seem to work.

My Dsis is an alcoholic and drinks a bottle of vodka a day. Her kids are on social services radar, she thinks it because of her abusive ex but I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s not the only reason.

She’s not in control of her actions, forgets everything she tells you and if she could drive, I am pretty sure she would. Luckily that’s not an option.

It’s a difficult position to be in, you feel like you should be able to do more. Supporting without enabling seems to be the best approach for us at the moment.

LividLaughLurve I’m sorry for your loss.

Defo call the police. Most alcoholic need consequences to make change.

Is she ready to change you could do an open AA meeting together on Zoom.

She will need a detox if drinking that much everyday. Is it the boxed wine? If you google alcohol services and her area you could give her the number to get started. Long process getting to detox, need to want to change and engage with groups etc. Unless you can pay privately which is expensive. About £300 a night for 7 nights to get detoxed. Well that what it was when I went

I knew someone who was trying to cut down but then died of a stroke at a young age.

If she gets behind the wheel on Monday I will be calling the police, I couldn’t not. She doesn’t know we know how much she’s drinking, she claims to be having a glass a night and gets very nasty with my df when he confronts her.

Livid I am very sorry for your loss, that must have been so awful to go through. And I’m sorry to everyone else going through similar things.

I have suggested AA before and she just laughs, says she doesn’t have a problem and I’m being ridiculous. I just can’t understand the disconnect. She’s an intelligent woman, she must know she has a problem if she’s drinking so much. Yes she’s drinking box wine, I guess because it’s cheap and easier to sneak in and out? I feel like it can only end one way. Wow I didn’t realise detox was so expensive. I can afford to pay for her to go, and would do so if she was willing to go, I don’t think she’s there yet though.

I'm pretty sure 'support groups' are one of the exemptions from lockdown so AA should be ongoing. Are you able to find her a local one? Although it doesnt sound like she would go. I'm sorry you're going through this.

@chlordiazepoxide clever name

OP, this is a horrible position to be in. You won't be able to make her get help if she doesn't want it herself, but definitely protect her and other road users by reporting the driving after drinking.
Sorry it's so rubbish. Good luck to you both.

3 litres is 4 bottles of wine, fucking hell I can drink a bottle no problem, but 4, she will need professional detoxing surely.

Also AA is all well and good but all you do is meet people in the same situation who you can then drink with unless you are very strong, it can help but ultimately can be the worst thing.

You won't be able to help her unless she wants to help herself.

My dad is an alcoholic and is extremely ill as a result, it will likely be what eventually kills him directly or indirectly even though he's no longer able to drink.

You nor your father can make her stop drinking, confrontation, ultimatums etc don't work.

I agree you have to stop her drinking and driving though for the sake of others. I hate drink drivers as I have people close to me who have been injured and killed by them. Sadly it may take several calls to police and her being caught (not as easy as you might think) more than a couple of times until she actually gets banned for even a short period - the sentencing for drink driving is woefully inadequate!

Bless you.. im going through a similar thing with my mum.. she drinks about 2 bottles of wine a night but hardly eats and is 70 years old, size 6,skin and bone... cries with depression everyday.. argues with dad.. jealous and possesive, stays in bed til 4pm and drinks at 5pm says its fine as its nearly evening, stays up til 2am in morning drinking all throughout... i called al anon and they said nothing can be done until she admits there is a problem and she wants help!! Its so hard... i tried talking to her but she goes off the rails crazy if anyone dares mention anything.. to the point that you just have to stop talking as she goes so crazy looks like shes going to have a heart attack! Tried phonin her docs.. cant do anything as its data protection unless the patient calls.. thought about sectioning for mental health disorder but it costs so much (thusands of pounds) and then thought would we end up killing her off sending her away... Its so hard to sit back and watch someone killing themselves..

A good alternative to AA you could try is smart recovery. I prefer the approach they take if I'm honest. They have online meetings at the moment and also ones for friends and family so that may be beneficial for you to get some advice from others?

My ex-BIL is a drinker and started going very down hill when my sister was pregnant. Things got very, very, messy. He had to have a huge amount of natural consequences (breakdown of his relationship, supervised access only to his son etc etc) before he was able to admit that actually was that bad.

He also turned out to have massive underlying mental health issues and now only maintains sobriety when also taking his meds.

Getting sober takes more than drying out, they have to deal with the underlying problems, and to do that they have to admit there is a problem...

In the wise words of Al Anon

You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.

My brother is a recovering alcoholic, sober almost 6 years now. The hardest lesson I had to learn was to simply 'let go'. An alcoholic has to hit rock bottom and then crawl out of that hole by themselves. It nearly broke my heart to let my brother really crash and burn but it resulted in his sobriety.

Protect your dad if you need to. Call the cops if she gets behind the wheel.

And I think it'd do you and your dad a lot of good to go to AlAnon. And you don't need to hide it from her either.

I have suggested AA before and she just laughs, says she doesn’t have a problem and I’m being ridiculous. I just can’t understand the disconnect. She’s an intelligent woman, she must know she has a problem if she’s drinking so much.

The denial is usually pretty thick in alcoholics. I think with women there can also be a lot of added shame, and a false sense that their drinking is justified or normal.

One thing you could do is write her a letter, saying how you feel, that you love her and are worried about her drinking, and will support her if she wants to get help...

But you really cannot make her stop or see sense, sadly.

This is so difficult. Does she have any awareness? Things that are affected? Her job? Family? Sense of pride?
I’m not a professional - it must be quite heartbreaking to deal with addiction. Just try and stay away from the blame game if you can.

@ugzbugz putting it in bottles sounds so much worse, I can't believe it's got this bad without any of us noticing until now. I feel sick at the thought of what she's doing to her body.

@AcrossthePond55 my dad quoted those lines to me today, he's been reading an al-anon book and finding a lot of comfort from it I think. I'm struggling more to get on board with that approach, I'm a fixer. I know I can't fix this though. I can't imagine what my dsis' rock bottom will be. She doesn't have a partner or kids (thankfully) she has a good job but hates it, no financial responsibilities.

@duemarch2021 I'm sorry you're going through this with your mum. My dsis is exactly the same when you bring up her drinking, she goes crazy and can be really nasty too. She's said some awful things to my poor df.

I would support your dad before her, as he has realised she has a problem. Get him into alanon. Research financial abuse of the elderly. Is she living with him? Is she contributing to rent and bills? Financial abuse of the elderly is a thing, especially amongst people with addiction. Have a chat with your dad, please, let him know that you're supporting him. He might be embarassed or ashamed, or as a parent he may feel obliged to finance her drinking problem. Look out for him as he has recognised her problem while she has not.

I think you need to accept you cannot save her - only she can do this.
But do all you can to protect your DF and yourself from her chaos. Alcoholism is destructive for everyone involved try to put in place an emotional distance from your DSIS for both of your sakes. Your DF needs your support in setting boundaries for her behaviour towards him, what lines she cannot cross, making sure she cannot steal from him, and keep him safe.
The driving is a big issue, she could potentially harm others. You may have to consider taking her keys from her. If she is likely to become aggressive you will need to seriously getting the police involved.

I’m a recovering alcoholic ( 13 years sober in Feb ) and l can assure you people confronting me didn’t make any difference. If ...( and it’s a big IF )..she really wants to stop and is willing to accept help , AA is brilliant ( and still going through the covid restrictions ! ) I drank and drove all the time when l was drinking , with my kids too, but l would NOT hesitate to report someone else. I was lucky l never killed anyone in drinking , but l know people who have. Report her. It might be the rock bottom she needs. It’s such a tricky situation - l really wish you all well .

I’m a sober alcoholic and it took a stint in rehab for me to stop.
This was after years of drinking and it gradually increasing until my rock bottom was about 5 bottles of wine in a 24 period. I wouldn’t fall asleep, I’d pass out. I didn’t wake naturally, I came to. Didn’t know what day, or whether is was night or day.
I was filled with shame, guilt, fear, embarrassment. I was lucky in that I was more than ready to stop. The thought of sobriety is frightening - birthdays, Christmas, weddings, evenings out with friends. Everything centred around booze.

I stopped going out and would isolate myself at home. Engineering arguments with my husband, so he would be so angry he couldn’t look at me. That gave me another excuse to drink without being questioned. Bottles hidden all over the house. The ripple effect on my family was devastating. I was bloated. I didn’t look like me anymore. I was having palpitations, anxiety attacks.

She does know what she’s doing. I can guarantee you she be depressed, crying, feelings of worthlessness and shame. I denied it constantly to myself and my family, but I deep down knew it wasn’t normal.

Rehab saved me. I’ve done 11 months with 1 relapse. I’m now engaging again and will probably take Antabuse with counselling. But she has to want to do it. No one can make her sadly.

@Purplepeopleeaters123 Oh, I'm a 'fixer' too. I can't tell you the number of times I tried to 'fix' my brother!

I ended up going to a counselor thinking that she'd tell me how to fix him. Instead she told me to fix myself! That I was enabling him and as long as he was enabled he'd never get sober.

That's one of the reasons I think it'd be a good idea for you and your dad (especially your dad) to go to AlAnon. Enabling behaviours can feel so natural and so right. But they're wrong and dangerous. Since she lives with your dad it's important that he learn about enabling and how to stop.