My dsis is killing herself and I don’t know what to do.

[Purplepeopleeaters123]

Name changed for this, for obvious reasons. My dsis has had issues with alcohol for several years now. I suspected things had escalated over the last 12 months, she’d appear to be drunk in the middle of the day sometimes or make excuses to avoid meeting up, choosing to spend time alone. Only today I have found out just how bad things have got.

She lives with my df. He’s started monitoring her drinking, checking for hidden bottles etc. She’s drinking on average 3 litres of wine every night! I’m completely shocked, I’m not a drinker but that sounds like such a ridiculous amount to me. Even worse, she drives to work every morning. I’m terrified she’s going to kill herself or someone else.

After finding out the scale of the problem today I called a lady from al anon. She was lovely but said confronting her isn’t the right approach, that she will already feel terrible about herself and trying to talk to her about it will push her to drink more. Really? I feel like I’m complicit if I do nothing. I told my df not to let her get in the car on Monday morning (I live over an hour away). I just don’t know what to do, how can doing nothing be the right thing to do??

My aunt was an alcoholic who never accepted she was one, she died choking on her vomit at a young age , confronting won't help my mother tried multiple times to get her to realise what she was doing , she also suffered badly with depression . She does need help but unless she accepts that she needs it or wants it there is no point.

FYI - AA is on Zoom currently, with some physical meetings still taking place. The Zoom meetings are on every hour of the day and night. The ranks have definitely swelled since lockdown .

She has to want to stop drinking, though. Sounds like she is still in denial right now.

I really feel for you, OP .

All AA meetings are on Zoom too!

Well done @MrsLighthouse 🙏🏼 ODAAT

Thank you !

Thanks everyone, I'm still reading and taking on board everything that's been said. I've also shared some posts with my df and he's found them very helpful.

I think if I mention AA meetings to my dsis it's likely that she will get very angry. She insists she doesn't have a problem, claiming that we're projecting our issues on to her. There is a history of alcoholism in my family, several of my aunties were/are alcoholics. My df's sister was an alcoholic, she died after falling down the stairs drunk.
All I can do at the moment I think is support my df and let my dsis know I'm here if she wants to stop.

Purplepeopleeaters123

Would coming at it from the idea of getting her tested for ADHD
I really think a lot of people with addictive personalities could benefit from getting tested.

I wish that ADHD had been mentioned to me when I was younger.
It would have made my life a lot easier.

I think if I didn’t have such a bad relationship with my mother I think I could have gone down the same route as your dsis and been still living at home well into my 20s and 30s.
(I don’t think I would have become an alcoholic as I have a terrible reaction to alcohol even if it is only a tiny amount). But can identify with the terrible rages.
It is the inertia and fear of making a mistake or moving on means you get stuck in life. IYSWIM

You don’t even have to mention alcohol.

All I can do at the moment I think is support my df and let my dsis know I'm here if she wants to stop.

@Purplepeopleeaters123 This is absolute right. But along with telling dsis you are there if she wants to stop is to tell her that you will not be around her nor will you speak to her if she is/has been drinking.

This means you will not permit her to drink in your home. It means that if you are at Dad's and you see her with a drink or appearing drunk, you must leave. Don't make a scene, just pick up your things and leave. She'll know why. It means that if she calls you slurring her speech or otherwise appears drunk you must put down the phone on her. Again, she'll know why.

And yes, I realize you may feel that leaving your Dad's house may feel like 'deserting him', but it is a two-fold problem. Both her drinking and Dad enabling it. Because by allowing her to live there and drink, that is exactly what he is doing. Your 'support' of him doesn't mean enabling him to enable her.

My DH said it was so hard on him not to give me sympathy when I'd be upset about my brother. But he stuck to his line of "You know what you need to do" and he'd change the subject. He was right. I did know what to do deep down, but as long as I had him as a 'sympathy crutch' I took the easy road of 'complain but do nothing'.

Go to Al Anon (or Zoom the meetings). See a counselor if you need to, as I did.

My DSis was an alcoholic and died earlier this year. She never accepted she had a problem with drinking; we all tried to help in different ways over the years (listening, confronting, writing letters).

We all hoped she'd hit rock bottom and stop - she was in trouble with the police a few times and hospitalised on several occasions. She had therapy and antidepressants but refused to go to rehab.

I really hope your Dsis does face up to reality and sobers up, but if she doesn't then it's not your fault.