My dsis is killing herself and I don’t know what to do.

[Purplepeopleeaters123]

Name changed for this, for obvious reasons. My dsis has had issues with alcohol for several years now. I suspected things had escalated over the last 12 months, she’d appear to be drunk in the middle of the day sometimes or make excuses to avoid meeting up, choosing to spend time alone. Only today I have found out just how bad things have got.

She lives with my df. He’s started monitoring her drinking, checking for hidden bottles etc. She’s drinking on average 3 litres of wine every night! I’m completely shocked, I’m not a drinker but that sounds like such a ridiculous amount to me. Even worse, she drives to work every morning. I’m terrified she’s going to kill herself or someone else.

After finding out the scale of the problem today I called a lady from al anon. She was lovely but said confronting her isn’t the right approach, that she will already feel terrible about herself and trying to talk to her about it will push her to drink more. Really? I feel like I’m complicit if I do nothing. I told my df not to let her get in the car on Monday morning (I live over an hour away). I just don’t know what to do, how can doing nothing be the right thing to do??

Another voice saying, Express love and forgiveness and support to her. But only she can dig herself out of this pit of despair. She must be in a terrible place.

But look at abuse of your Dad, and together with him address your own (plural) boundaries and enabling behaviours and attitudes. This may be maintaining the status quo. It is also may be something you can 'fix' or work on or influence or have some control over (which your sister's direct behaviour isn't).

Slowly enforcing boundaries may trigger a crisis for your sister. E.g. your Dad might end up asking her to leave. This is very painful to do and witness. Make sure you have a clear sense of why you are doing things, and have your own support structures in place. You ALL deserve better, but you can only help those who want help (your Dad) and yourself.

People can and do make terrible decisions, and we have to let them. It's the cornerstone of a liberal democracy actually. It can result in what looks like very sad, frustrating, wasteful outcomes for people. We can only do our best to help. We cannot save or rescue anyone else at the end of the day, only ourselves.

You could give the police her car number and what time she is on the road.
Bad being an alcoholic, worse being an alcoholic who has killed someone by drink driving.

Confronting her will make you temporarily feel better but will make her feel far worse. You eould not be helping her. Actually being supportive and remindingher that you love her is far better than judging her and telling her shes killing herself. She already knows. You cant force her or blackmail her to stop. She has to do it when ready.

There isn’t anything you can do until she admits she has a problem, even hitting rock bottom isn’t enough for some alcoholics,

I have an alcoholic relative who has hit rock bottom literally, they drink to “help” their mental health problems but it makes them worse. He has thrown himself off a bridge and our NHS teams saved him - he was in ICU for a month , home and sober for a few months and the next straight back in the drink.

His councillors have taken a step back as he isn’t helping himself and needs to admit he has a problem first so family have also taken a step back which for me to do that was extremely hard but there isn’t anything else I could have done, I supported him, took him to meetings, appointments, spoke to people myself but nothing changed on his part.

I would report her for drink driving to the police, I would hate for her to kills someone by drink driving!

AA and Al-Anon are not the only organisations. I think most areas have drug/alcohol advisory services who may give you different advice. I would contact GP services or social services for your area to find out what helping organisations are in your area. Good luck.

Your poor dad. I really like the approach of supporting him, rather than trying to fix her. I can’t imagine the pain you must feel watching your child do that to themselves.

The best thing to do is to look after yourself. If you're choosing to keep an alchohlic in your life (I didn't after a while but everyone is different) you need strong boundaries, to be able to have your own life and certainly to shield any children from the hell and destruction alchohlics wreak on all their relationships and other's mental health besides their own. Take care of you.

Well, I can’t imagine the pain your sis feels to do that to herself. It's a form of self harm and a slow suicide. She is in an incredible amount of pain. Love, kindness and support is the best you could do.

People like to villify the alcoholic when sometimes it's the parents or family dynamics that pushed them that way directly or indirectly. Yeah i know of the 3 c's and don't subscribe into AA/AlAnon approaches.

You need to do some tough love op.

Counselling for yourself will help so that you can have healthy boundaries for you.

Ring the police if she drinks and drives.

She may end up having to leave your dads. She may end up with no relationship with you because she’s drinking all the time.

But those are her choices.

It’s a hard road but she has to walk it. She won’t stop unless she wants to. Confronting her is a waste of time.

Good luck to you all.

@Kapalika

I’m a sober alcoholic and it took a stint in rehab for me to stop. This was after years of drinking and it gradually increasing until my rock bottom was about 5 bottles of wine in a 24 period. I wouldn’t fall asleep, I’d pass out. I didn’t wake naturally, I came to. Didn’t know what day, or whether is was night or day. I was filled with shame, guilt, fear, embarrassment. I was lucky in that I was more than ready to stop. The thought of sobriety is frightening - birthdays, Christmas, weddings, evenings out with friends. Everything centred around booze.

I stopped going out and would isolate myself at home. Engineering arguments with my husband, so he would be so angry he couldn’t look at me. That gave me another excuse to drink without being questioned. Bottles hidden all over the house. The ripple effect on my family was devastating. I was bloated. I didn’t look like me anymore. I was having palpitations, anxiety attacks.

She does know what she’s doing. I can guarantee you she be depressed, crying, feelings of worthlessness and shame. I denied it constantly to myself and my family, but I deep down knew it wasn’t normal.

Rehab saved me. I’ve done 11 months with 1 relapse. I’m now engaging again and will probably take Antabuse with counselling. But she has to want to do it. No one can make her sadly.

Wishing you well with your continued recovery. This was very brave to post.

She doesn't have a partner or kids (thankfully) she has a good job but hates it, no financial responsibilities

It sounds like in your sisters case she has nothing in life that grounds her to reality, nothing to lose.

I would imagine that to her what else is there in life to make her happy.

Until she has something to replace the drinking there isn’t a reason in her mind to give up. But it’s a vicious circle. She won’t find that something till she gives up the drink

From experience of an ex, drinking can often be a coping strategy to 'escape' other issues. Can you trace it back to anything? Is there an underlying MH issue? Why is she living with your DF is she has a good job, is she lonely? If you could get her to try Counselling for the underlying cause, the realisation re alcohol issues may dawn. Her denial is going to continue. Have you tried an intervention with you & your DF? And a drink driving prosecution may hammer things home, I'd report her .

Thank you to everyone who has posted, I'm still reading through everything. I'm starting to understand why confronting her isn't the right approach and will try to show her that I love her and will support her if she wants to get help. I think a letter is a good idea, thank you to whoever suggested that.

Thank you to the alcoholics who posted. It was very brave, you've given me some valuable insight and a lot to think about it. It breaks my heart that she's in so much pain. We used to be very close but I've emotionally distanced myself from her in the past year. I think because at the back of my mind I'm fully expecting her to drink herself to death.

I worry a lot about the impact it is having on my df. He is dealing with this day to day by himself and I know it's killing him. He's not elderly but he is completely worn down by it all. I'll be reading up on enabling and suggesting we go to an al-anon meeting together. I can't help my dsis but I can help my dad. I do have 3dc but they're very young and unaware of what's going on. I've never left my children alone with my dsis but now I know how much she's drinking I don't feel I can let her see them at all. My dd4 is starting to notice things more in general and has asked why my dsis is acting strange on video calls before. She adores my dsis but I need to shield her from all this.

That's 4 bottle a night! How is she functioning? I must admit, especially since lockdown I can easily drink 1 bottle most nights only having a couple of alcohol free evenings each week. Although I am conscious of it, and recognise it's a mixture of boredom after a long day at work, and lockdown. I am pretty sure if I ever drank 4 bottles in one sitting I would fall down dead. If she drives the next morning, you must call the police, no way that amount will have left her system.

Could you come at it from the perspective that you think she is unhappy about a lot of things in her life and to think about what she wants or would like long term.

If she hates her job why not change it. Even if the career doesn’t pay as much as her current salary, if it makes her happy then it would be worth it

Any job would stand up well financially if she isnt spending what must be at least £450-500 per month on booze.

I have no idea how she is functioning and not already dead. She can't be doing her job well, I know from my df that she's been pulled up on her performance recently which is hardly surprising given what we now know.

@Oliversmumsarmy that's a very accurate assessment, she has very little to lose. She definitely has other issues I think. She's very child like in a lot of ways. She's never had any real responsibilities apart from work, she's always lived with my df so doesn't have to worry about bills or keeping the house. She could literally drink all her money and there would still be food in the cupboard and a roof over her head. I guess in that way she is being enabled isn't she?

I know this is a bit of a far out guess but you mentioned “childlike” ad she is an “addict” of sorts
Has she ever been assessed for ADHD.
Only you know your sister well. Adhd does have a way of presenting in girls different to boys and adults differently to children.

Addictive personalities and childlike are 2 of the things that point to possible ADHD.

There are others. I am probably ADHD
DD is getting herself tested and Ds is ADHD. One of the things I read on ADHD is that we are immature. We never really get beyond the age of 21 mentally.
I would broach the subject with her. There are tests you can do on line to give you pointers of whether she identifies with some of the questions.

It might also explain why she has never moved out. The inertia and lack of focus of not being able do things off her own back could be another pointer

Boxed wine is "great" as it's full until it's empty. It's different when it's in a bottle as you can see the horizon get lower and lower and have to admit you need to open yet another one. So it's much easier to deny the problem when you are only opening a new wine every day or two as opposed to 3 a night.

Drink etc nearly killed my brother until he was hospitalised and given just days to live. I think being so massively ill is what actually saved him as he was on a drip with no access to anything and so went through an extreme detox. It took him a while but he realised he didn't want to die just yet and eventually went to AA which has helped him tremendously - the difference is immense.

But as others have said - she has to decide when she wants to change. All you can do is be there for her when she reaches that point.

And - to call the cops if she insists on driving - she won't be legally sober in the morning having 3 bottles of wine the night before. She might not forgive you if she loses her license or more but that is minor compared to her killing herself, or even worse, someone else.

No-one can make an addict stop until they want to, but sometimes it's possible to help them want to.

Have you tried talking to her about her drinking? Does she acknowledge that she has a problem? Until she does, any attempts to help her will be fruitless imo.

If she's really drinking a 3-litre box of wine every night, she'll need an in-patient detox, and she will only be able to stop with a lot of help. If she's prepared to seek help, her GP can make a referral to the local drug and alcohol service, or it may be possible to self-refer. That would be the most useful first step.

I really feel for you OP, it's awful to see someone you love destroying themselves like this. I lost a dear friend to alcohol 10 years ago, and not a day goes by when I don't think of her. But I also have a few friends who are sober alcoholics so it is possible. All of them have succeeded with the support of AA, which I know isn't for everyone.

I was a heavy drinker, albeit binge drinking rather than an every day addiction, for years, along with poly-drug use, and I had to move away from the city I lived in and cut an awful lot of ties to keep it together.

Sorry op but the only one who can stop is your dsis. My aunt was an alcoholic and passed away at 38. There was nothing anyone could do, she simply didn't want to stop and dropped down dead one night. As others said all you can is be there for your df and your sister if she finally admits she has a problem

...she's always lived with my df so doesn't have to worry about bills or keeping the house. She could literally drink all her money and there would still be food in the cupboard and a roof over her head. I guess in that way she is being enabled isn't she?

Yes, she is. But it will be up to your dad to do something about it, up to and including telling her to move out. I had to tell my brother not to call me and that he was not allowed to step foot in my house if he had been drinking. I couldn't tell him to stop drinking, but I could refuse to give tacit approval to it by continuing to be around him when he was drunk.

Just so you know how things can turn around, my brother works in a 'Covid unsafe' workplace so he chose not to come to Thanksgiving Dinner. I took some leftovers to him and it was so wonderful to see him sober and smiling. Before, during the 'bad times', I would have shown up to see him falling down drunk and probably on a 'crying jag'. He's also single and childless. In sobriety, he has found a life worth living and things to take joy in.

Look after yourself and your dad, Op. My dad died in his early 60s and I am positive that the awfulness of living with my alcoholic mother was a contributory factor.

Well done as well to all the recovering alcoholics who have posted on here.

You cannot help her until she wants help.I am an Alcoholic in recovery,nearly 18years now since I drank Alcohol.People told me I was an Alcoholic but I carried on,eventually I just couldn’t do it any more and knew I was going to kill my self,the same as my Mother.

I called AA in desperation one day and went to a meeting,I still go,at the moment I am doing them on Zoom,there are thousands all over the World.

I think you have to support your Father OP and Al-anon would be good for both of you.

AA is free and no waiting list and will always be there if your sister decides she wants to stop drinking.

I wish you well,Alcoholism is vile and it destroys everything and everybody in its path.

I'm sorry OP. I have a history of addiction in my family and it's incredibly tough and so frustrating to deal with people who are going through the cycle.

I think she needs boundaries and consequences. At the moment, there's not much motivation for her to seek treatment. She hasn't faced homelessness, been arrested for drink driving or suffered the ill-health consequences...yet. You and DF need to work as a team and set some strict boundaries. It's her choice whether to seek treatment, but if she doesn't, then she won't have a relationship with your kids/will need to move out/whatever you think needs to happen. You then need to stand firm and be there for her when she's ready to seek help. To be honest, I think that's all you can do right now.