Lost my shit.... should I apologise completely or half apologise?

[CanICelebrate]

My dc were driving me mad arguing and generally leaving their crap around the house. Older 2 have SEN (it’s not an excuse for their behaviour but can make communication more difficult at times) and youngest dc is really testing boundaries atm.
I lost my shit and swore (quite spectacularly) and then shut myself in my study for most of the rest of the evening. I asked oldest dc to make everyone dinner and then we all did our own thing all evening.
DC8 and I had a cuddle and I apologised for swearing and he apologised for his string of poor behaviours and he went to bed happy with usual story etc.
My question is aibu to not apologise to older dc for losing my shit and the need to know that I have limits? Should I apologise for the language but not for shouting? I’m a teacher and hate shouting but occasionally it is necessary and effective. They are acting today like nothing happened.
They’ve been self isolating and their laziness and the arguing is driving me insane.

Personally I think that as children get older, they can and should understand that parents have limits that they can be pushed beyond.

It is difficult to half-apologise without it coming out as a "but you made me do it", which for lots of reasons is probably worse than not apologising at all.

So on balance, assuming that this is a rare occurrence (which it sounds like it is), then I wouldn't apologise to the older DC, especially as they haven't.

Whenever I've lost my rag and yelled enough to need to apologise to the kids, I tend to say that I'm really sorry for yelling, that if I could go back in time and fix it I would still say xyz because of their behaviour, but that I would say it properly instead of shouting, that my shouting was unacceptable. Then I add something like a hug and ask if they OK because it's never nice to be yelled at, then I say something along the lines of "right, now let's talk about how you fought with your sister".

It's such an awful parenting moment when you overshadow their own bad behaviour by handling if badly yourself. You have to muddle through finding a good balance between addressing how you spoke to them without brushing their behaviour under the carpet or doing an "I'm sorry but" (I hate "I'm sorry buts"!).

Not on this it’s not @PaperTowels.

Well lord knows we all have our moments.

Glad you've had a chat with them.

@Feministicon

Not on this it’s not *@PaperTowels*.

@PaperTowels

If you are going to apologise, don't say "sorry but". Not "Sorry I shouted/swore/whatever but it was because etc".

Just apologise, genuinely, if you're going to. Which I think you should.

Agree with this. Apologise fully, noone wants to hear a but/however half arsed apology.

They aren't daft, they know why you lost it, you just need to apologise. Say you lost your cool,and it shouldn't have happened and resist the 'but'

The behaviour problems deal with in a separate conversation.

Sometimes, only sometimes it is ok to let something stand. If they are bickering, and at each other then they are driving up the tensions in the home and this is where it leads.
You could structure a communal conversation starting with "I hate what happened yesterday. You lot need to pull your socks up so lets talk now about how we do this as a family...." and END it with an apology for the swearing.
Individual chats with "I know x drives you bonkers so lets figure out how not to rise" will help etc.
Mine are a bit intesnse too at the moment and we have frequent family chats about how tricky the whole thing is...goodluck!

Me and my brother both have inattentive ADHD and understandably it drove our parents mad but I used to hate when they shouted/swore at us because they'd never apologise for it – it really upset us but also made us think that kind of behaviour was acceptable and that was difficult to unlearn later on in life.

Also, if you're going in by admitting where you went wrong then I think they're probably more likely to do the same, you're teaching them better communication and hopefully they'll be more likely to listen. My counsellor always used to say you've lost the argument as soon as you raise your voice.

It depends on the swearing imo. And ins ome ways, what sort of shouting you are talking about (is it raisng your voice or screaming, banshee type?)

Some swearing is just not acceptable imo (lets say if you called one of your dd a cunt). Others type of swearing (its shit. The house is a fucking tip) is imo not as much as issue tbh.

Is it upsetting? well yes it is. But then I also think that children need to learn that some behaviours will tip anyone, including a parent, over the edge. We are all human. And we all loose our shit at some point. Because lets be honest, some of the attitude our dcs have, their words can also be pretty upsetting to parents/siblings too!

@Harriedharriet

Sometimes, only sometimes it is ok to let something stand. If they are bickering, and at each other then they are driving up the tensions in the home and this is where it leads. You could structure a communal conversation starting with "I hate what happened yesterday. You lot need to pull your socks up so lets talk now about how we do this as a family...." and END it with an apology for the swearing. Individual chats with "I know x drives you bonkers so lets figure out how not to rise" will help etc. Mine are a bit intesnse too at the moment and we have frequent family chats about how tricky the whole thing is...goodluck!

I started like this with the dcs. I've never managed to go anywhere with that sort of discussion!

Id said children don't want to listen or engage (even more so if they are teens), you won't get anywehere....

@TonMoulin a few swear words but not calling them names.
I roughly said, as they all started moaning that I’d said no Xbox until they’d tidied up and stoped arguing,
“I don’t give a fuck if you don’t think it’s fair, I’m sick to death of the house being a shit hole and the fucking arguing is driving me actually insane.”

@TonMoulin it was more of a my deputy head teacher bellow than an insane screech but there was definitely a hint of insane screech
I shouted into the hallway from the kitchen so not in their faces.

If you took the swear words out of that it's a perfectly normal frazzled parent thing to say.

You didn't swear at them (fuck off, fuck you etc) which would be crossing a much more serious line.

Maybe you need a swear jar in the house that you start off by sticking £20 in for your outburst!

@CanICelebrate I would say the same. Including the swear words .
I would not apologise, it's them who need to apologise for their behaviour and if anything, maybe you should all sit down together and have a look at what triggered that situation and try avoiding it.
DD would be very surprised if I apologised for swearing, especially the almost vanilla kind like you did.

Don't worry too much. I don't think the swearing is any worse than the shouting tbh. As a poster above said it's part of life- they are not really young and will understand that adults will sometimes swear when angry etc.

I always tell the kids- sorry for losing my shit but it's quite easy to stop me losing my shit by listening to what I ask you to do. Actions- consequences

Does it matter if they argue and bicker? I'm one of six and have five myself and don't see arguing as something that needs to be stopped. I'd say among siblings it's pretty normal. Here (when they all lived at home) so long as there was no fighting then I let them get on with it. If I felt it was going too far I'd send them to their own rooms and if I was getting fed up of hearing it I'd send them to argue elsewhere but didn't see anything wrong with them having a difference of opinion. Now, as adults, they are as thick as thieves and there's never a cross word.