Lost my shit.... should I apologise completely or half apologise?

[CanICelebrate]

My dc were driving me mad arguing and generally leaving their crap around the house. Older 2 have SEN (it’s not an excuse for their behaviour but can make communication more difficult at times) and youngest dc is really testing boundaries atm.
I lost my shit and swore (quite spectacularly) and then shut myself in my study for most of the rest of the evening. I asked oldest dc to make everyone dinner and then we all did our own thing all evening.
DC8 and I had a cuddle and I apologised for swearing and he apologised for his string of poor behaviours and he went to bed happy with usual story etc.
My question is aibu to not apologise to older dc for losing my shit and the need to know that I have limits? Should I apologise for the language but not for shouting? I’m a teacher and hate shouting but occasionally it is necessary and effective. They are acting today like nothing happened.
They’ve been self isolating and their laziness and the arguing is driving me insane.

completely agree about 'I'm sorry but...'. This is how my mother apologises and it turns into another rant/criticism. It's hurtful and meaningless.

Agreed @Palavah, in my experience "I'm sorry but" just leads on to yet more self-justification.

I’d apologise for swearing and shouting, with no buts or excuses about their behaviour driving you to it. I’d also apologise to eldest DC for leaving them to make dinner for everyone as that was unfair on them for you to just check out of parental responsibility for the evening.

They may after hearing your apology also apologise. But being the older and wiser human being, it’s up to you to apologise first. It would be wrong in my opinion to require children to apologise before you apologise. It sets a good example of giving an apology when you know you were wrong instead of only apologising if someone else apologises first.

I would say sorry for swearing, and explain why you were frustrated.

I'm sure you know this, but do remember that people with ADHD often struggle to keep their environment tidy as the way the ADHD brain is wired makes it very, very difficult to see an end point to a task, for example, tidying up doesn't get started because the brain cannot compute the steps they need to take in order to reach 'tidy'

I'm sorry if I am overstepping there, and I am sure that is something you are well aware of already...

Remember, everyone has a limit, and be kind to yourself too.

Have a conversation with them and explain why you lost it.

I was raised in a household where I was constantly shouted out, including swearing and even hit on occasions. This was not even as a result of poor behaviour from me but just because my parents thought it was acceptable to take their 'issues' out on me...I never got an apology from them or even an acknowledgement that their behaviour was damaging. They just blamed it on me.

The result: I have had no or limited contact with them throughout my adult life.

I know it is a completely different, extreme scenario but the point is your kids will appreciate your honesty and a dialogue and you don't want them to replicate you behaviour even if it was understandable that you got really fed up with them.

I wouldn't, they need to apologise for their behaviour. We all have limits, parents are human and it is good for them to know that.

You should sit them down and talk to them about why it happened, and what needs to change.

I grew up in a house with a mum who 'lost her shit' on a regular basis, and I know my brother and I weren't bad kids at all. Years later I learned she had (then untreated) depression, but the damage was done.

She would scream at us, which was scary, and then she just wouldn't speak to us for days on end. Then, suddenly, everything was back to normal. No apology, no discussion, nothing.

Living in that kind of atmosphere has left me with shocking anxiety and other issues.

So please, sit them down and explain what happened. Say that you shouldn't have sworn at them, but that they also need to take responsibility, and that they need to stop lazing around, and try to get on with each other better.

But don't just leave it, because things will end up bubbling to the surface again.

I have inattentive adhd too so totally get it which is why we have such good strategies and open conversation.

Dc15 likes to makes their dinner and they all just ate crap that evening so I’m not apologising for that as they enjoyed their pizza and chips!

Don’t do a Priti Patel apology: “I’m sorry you felt like that...”

I would apologise but I would start with "Your behaviour yesterday was appalling/bad etc however I apologise for swearing and shouting".

Make the apology at the end.

I agree with others that life isn’t perfect. Just because your a parent doesn’t make you perfect and no, you do not need to compose yourself at all times in fear of your children seeing real life emotions! I’d personally sit them down have a chat about how they made you feel yesterday, explain it’s not ok, hopefully they’ll apologise then you can apologise for swearing! Sorted! Also think it’s a really important life lesson to learn how to admit when you were wrong and apologise! So many can’t!

Geez nothing wrong with a 15 year old making dinner!

OP I sympathise hugely - I also have eldest DC with adhd and youngest who's a pro at pushing buttons. I don't think it's a bad thing to see a parent lose their shit occasionally if they are pushed to the limit.
Definitely avoid the "I'm sorry but", apologise completely for the swearing and then start a conversation about how as a family you can stay on top of tidying etc. With an adhd child (and in my case adults too!) tidying and organisation is a daily struggle but that doesn't mean they can get away without doing it.

Also think it’s a really important life lesson to learn how to admit when you were wrong and apologise! So many can’t!

Also this!!

@LindaEllen your childhood sounds very stressful and I had a chaotic childhood in many ways too.
But I don’t think our household is like that - we are mostly a happy and quirky bunch and dh and I still very happy together. I lost my shit because I do so much for everyone else and ask for so little back. I’m sick of being a referee and cleaning up after them

I would always apologise if i 'lost my shit' with anybody. but i would also not gloss over anything they did to make me lose my shit. I don't consider that a 'half apology' i consider it honest communication.

e.g. I AM sorry that I shouted and swore at you all. Do you understand why I it happened? (If no) then go on to say, I don't like nagging at you to pick up or breaking up arguments, it's not a nice atmosphere to live in, it made me really really frustrated and annoyed and I just lost control a bit. Everybody does sometimes. How do you feel about it? Do you think that is a nice way to live? what can we do to make our house calmer in future? etc. etc.

@FAQs

Geez nothing wrong with a 15 year old making dinner!

It depends on situation. In the OPs situation of losing her shit, shouting, swearing and then locking herself in a room for hours alone while dumping dinner on her 15yo- it is wrong. My DM used to do this regularly and as the eldest who had to be shouted and sworn at and then expected to step in and be the parent to my hungry siblings while she sulked in her locked office it was damaging. It’s expecting more of a teen than your own self. You get to just walk away and leave your DC to pick up the pieces. As eldest DC, I didn’t have that luxury of retreating to a room to be by myself, I had to wipe away my tears and take deep breaths and get on with taking care of my siblings- because my DM had just completely rejected us and if I didn’t step in we would all have gone hungry.

Now if it’s all part of teaching a teen to cook and they regularly do a family dinner now and then by choice. That’s completely different.

You know your DC better than we do, but my approach would be 'I'm really sorry I swore so much about things yesterday. I can't exactly tell you off for it if I do the same. I completely lost my temper, because I was so frustrated with how you were all behaving, and I lashed out. My behaviour wasn't ok, but neither was yours. I don't want to have a repeat of last night, so how can we sort things out between us all so that it doesn't happen again?'

OP I totally lost my shit with exP a few weeks ago, and the DC overheard, to my eternal shame. I apologised that they'd had to hear it, and talked about it with them both, separately. They actually seem to have more respect for me now, weirdly. It's as though they realise even I have my limits [winks]

In these scenarios I apologise for the delivery of the message but not the words (except swearing but, even then, it might depend on the actual words).

I think adults should apologise when they've done wrong and how children how to reconcile and that you can have moments like that but how you deal with it matters.

I’m a big believer in occasional shit losing. You can either constantly assert boundaries, which is wearing for all concerned or assert them spectacularly occasionally
Yearly is enough. If it’s more than that, you need another technique, less and you either are being walked over or you’re naturally asserting your boundaries perfectly.

@CanICelebrate

I’m definitely going to apologise for swearing (my oldest sometimes swears which I moan about so definitely can’t be seen to be a hypocrite!) but I so rarely get that cross and need them to know my limits.

I think its fair to say "sorry I swore, but I have absolutely reached the end of my tether. From now on, you kids have to pull your weight and help. Thanks for making dinner, good start. ".

I would treat them as separate conversations, even if you do it at the same time. Apology for the reaction and the swearing. Discussion about ground rules/ boundaries and how you can all work together at living harmoniously. Showing regret for the way you behave will role model the reflection you would want them to be doing about their own behaviour, then working together is involving them in the solution.

I would talk to them straight.

You didn't 'overreact' in that you had every right to be angry with them because their poor behaviour was impacting on everyone else.

I would sit them down and say 'yesterday we had a bad day. Firstly, I agree that I should not have sworn and that was my bad behaviour. I would like us to talk about everyone else's bad behaviour yesterday. It makes me feel very frustrated when XYZ happens and I feel hurt when you say XYZ.. What do you think about that?' 'Does anyone else want to say what they think they should not have done yesterday?' 'Our objective is to live together in peace and help and support each other. How can that happen better?' But also let them know that you will be angry if they behave like that again and that that will have consequences.Etc.

I think a half apology is fine. You're sorry for completely losing it and the swearing, and you appreciate you should have reacted better. However, everyone has limits and unfortunately you had reached yours. How can everyone work together to avoid the same thing happening again? That kind of thing.

I think you should apologise for swearing. You apologised to the 8yo and you said he's the one that enjoys winding the older two up. If it merits an apology then it merits one to all three of them.