Lost my shit.... should I apologise completely or half apologise?

[CanICelebrate]

My dc were driving me mad arguing and generally leaving their crap around the house. Older 2 have SEN (it’s not an excuse for their behaviour but can make communication more difficult at times) and youngest dc is really testing boundaries atm.
I lost my shit and swore (quite spectacularly) and then shut myself in my study for most of the rest of the evening. I asked oldest dc to make everyone dinner and then we all did our own thing all evening.
DC8 and I had a cuddle and I apologised for swearing and he apologised for his string of poor behaviours and he went to bed happy with usual story etc.
My question is aibu to not apologise to older dc for losing my shit and the need to know that I have limits? Should I apologise for the language but not for shouting? I’m a teacher and hate shouting but occasionally it is necessary and effective. They are acting today like nothing happened.
They’ve been self isolating and their laziness and the arguing is driving me insane.

Model the behavior you want to encourage.

@PlanDeRaccordement your mother did it regularly, this is a one off hence the OP being stressed at worried about it.

My mother was an evil violent bitch, I made dinner every night and if it wasn’t good enough I was hit or had cold water poured over me, regular abusive parenting against the OP situation are poles apart.

Happened a couple of times when mine were younger.
I apologised for kicking off (and swearing) but pointed out that despite that, their behaviour was unacceptable.
It generally ended up with a good chat where we all felt better.
They are perfectly well rounded adults now.

I'm another wondering why you apologised and had cuddles with one child, but not the others.

There are far too many people on this thread letting their childhood trauma cloud their ability to comment on this situation. There is nothing wrong with a 15 year old making dinner, doesn’t sound like there were tears in his eyes as he did it! I don’t really swear so if I ever did they’d know I was deadly serious, they need to know you are human and people have limits.

@WotWouldCJDo

I'm another wondering why you apologised and had cuddles with one child, but not the others.

Because he’s 8?

I do think you need to tell us what spectacular swear words were used

I'd apologise for how you delivered the message ie shouting but nit the content. As the content wasn't unreasonable. But shouting and swearing is. However I would also say this is what happens sometimes when people get pushed. Not so they're scared of you flying off the handle. But on the other hand they do need to understand you're human and if you're not respectful and kind etc people will get upset.

The older 2 spent the evenings in their rooms which they often do and the little one wanted to have a cuddle and a story. My husband was in the house so they weren’t fending for themselves.

Sorry that last post explains why I didn’t apologise to the others - I didn’t really see them.

I left the house before they got up this morning but I’m going home now to see/ feed them as I’m free at work for an hour

Little one is as school just in case anyone wonders! I have seen him this morning!

@Feministicon exactly!

I’m not proud of my colourful language and it’s all a bit of a blur. I’m quite a sweary person but not usually in front of the children and certainly not usually in temper.

@Feministicon
@FAQs I’m worried I’ll be judged terribly if I write what I said although I didn’t call them names (I did internally but thankfully my brain filtered slightly what came out of my mouth!)

I’ve just chatted to them about their arguing (they’ve both reported that they’ve been arguing this morning while I’ve been out!) and I think they understand why it’s so frustrating for me. I also did get cross again at dc13 who was supposed to tidy his room abs it’s still horrendous
I said that I meant what I said yesterday but shouldn’t have used such bad language to say it. They didn’t seem to really care - I’ve obviously been worrying about it and they didn’t seem to think it was a big deal.

Thanks for the comments which have been surprisingly constructive for aibu!!

Totally get that sometimes it all gets a bit much (and that that's an understatement). If you'd be OK with your DC behaving as you did and then apologising if they feel like their limit has been reached, or even not apologising for shouting but just for the language, then do whichever you're comfortable with. You need to expect them to do as you do, not as you say, so if you'd rather they genuinely apologised after an outburst, even if provoked, perhaps do that?
I get that everyone has limits but for me it was important to demonstrate that we can do our best to control our emotions and recognise the impact an outburst can have on those we love. I told my DC years ago (they might have been 6 and 8) that I'd decided to stop being a naggy, shouty Mum as I didn't like myself very much when I behaved like that. Each to their own though, I grew up in a shouty household and hated it whereas it seems water off a ducks back for some people. Every family is different.

I read DC8 as you having 8 children initially, rather than an 8 year old . Would be enough to make anyone lose it!

Good to hear that they don't seem too put out by it - they do need to know there are boundaries to what you will tolerate.

I’m very glad they are not traumatised by my screeching but equally I wish it had some impact if I’m honest - not the swearing but the fact it was obvious I was at the end of my tether.

@Feministicon

There are far too many people on this thread letting their childhood trauma cloud their ability to comment on this situation. There is nothing wrong with a 15 year old making dinner, doesn’t sound like there were tears in his eyes as he did it! I don’t really swear so if I ever did they’d know I was deadly serious, they need to know you are human and people have limits.

It is not "clouding" our judgement. It is informing our judgement.

Is it so bad if a teen's room is messy? I may be lax about this, but I really don't bother with DC's.

There is a difference between a bit messy and an absolute shit pit where he can’t find anything. Because of the adhd I work really hard to keep some level of organisation and order. Their study areas are bright, labelled and organised and he struggles when things are messy and chaotic - which his room currently is.

Fair enough! Was just thinking of ways for you to regain a bit of headspace.

My childhood was chaotic and very difficult so I’m fully aware that parental choices and actions can have devastating consequences @PaperTowels

This situation is a normally pretty laid back mum in a happy household utterly losing her shit because she has had enough of the bloody arguing and laziness.

I work full time, trip really hard to keep the house nice and do so much with my dc. They have a good childhood, so much better than mine, but I’m not superwoman and need them to understand they have a part to play in our family life, especially the older ones.

Try* not trip

I’m back at work now so need to get off my phone!!