AIBU to tell SIL to piss off over Xmas plans. Done to death I know...

[samanthajonespr]

I'll keep this as short as I can. We're married with 2 very young children. We (including the children) get on far better with my parents than his, there's issues in the past on his side and they're civil but DH is always uncomfortable and goes back into his shell in their company. They've estranged one son-in-law already after they were racist about his heritage.

We're planning on having Xmas morning and lunch at home, just the 4 of us. And then meeting up with my parents and siblings later on at my parents house, it will be hilarious and amazing fun as always. Happy and tired kids at the end of it. Agreed with PIL that we'd spend some of Boxing Day with them so they can see the children.

Enter SIL, who is spending Xmas with her boyfriend and his family. Fair enough but she's feeling guilty about hers and DH's parents spending the day alone together so she's now trying to pressure us into having parents round for the day. Neither of us wants this but she's really harassing DH about it. He's been really down and anxious because of it and won't reply to her messages. There's something that triggers him when it comes to them, even though he tries to hide it.

Now that the govt's Xmas advice has been published, she's now harassing him to "talk" again about it. Texting him and not letting it drop. We would never think to pressure her to change her plans and it's not fair. DH says it's ruined the whole of Xmas for him and he doesn't want to be made to feel guilty for how we're spending it. Not really sure what to do but I want to help the situation. I think his manipulative PIL are partly at least behind the SIL's relentless campaign.

Are you sure your DH isn't trying not to upset anyone by making a decision.
You in are in one ear SIL is in the other.
He should ring his folks directly to say the plans are staying put if that is what he truly wants.

Tell SIL to do one then laugh out loud

Do you always go to your family for Christmas Day or do you alternate? Maybe your dh feels guilty ?
No, I don’t think you should be guilt-tripped, I do think however that it always seems to be the wife’s family that take priority in most cases on mn..

I'm not in his ear, I hope. I would never try and force him to just go along with what I want. I've always tried to go with what everybody wants and what will make us happy. Our eldest is nearly 5 and he's told us what he wants to do. We plan as a family and there's no one overriding voice between me and DH. If he truly wanted to spend the day with his side, I would do that with bells on. I'm certainly not nagging him one way or the other. I'm trying to be supportive of him because there are some very deep-seated issues that I don't even know about, I can sense it.

Thanks to those who have suggested counselling and the self-help books, he knows he needs some professional help making sense of it all before it takes over his life.

Another thing is, SIL is being very disrespectful by not even taking my family into consideration. We'd be spending Xmas with PIL exclusively and we'd have to bubble with them, who in turn would be in a bubble with SIL and her boyfriend, who in turn would be in a bubble with boyfriends parents. It's crazy and would not work.

@Vangoghimnot1 we've never really alternated because DH doesn't really want that tradition of obligation. He doesn't want them having a "share" of our family unit because they're so cold and to be honest, that coldness extends to our children. It's all surface and no feeling which has always bothered me with it all. It's not even a tug of love. They just want to have a hold on him because of DNA

sil blind ? To the poster that said she is caring, obviously not for her db, I imagine his demeanor isn't so wonderful when he is there or maybe sil has never seen him happy and normal?
I'm sure he was normal enough growing up before he discovered a fun family.
I said SIL is caring as she doesn't want to leave her parents alone this year because she made plans if she has spent other Christmas dinners to give them company.
I see her P.O.V.
There's boring people in every family.

He doesn't want them having a "share" of our family unit because they're so cold and to be honest, that coldness extends to our children Then go NC problem solved.

If you oh feels that any contact with his parents is such a hires, why is he keeping in contact at all?

@EmeraldShamrock I agree, particularly when it gets him feeling like this but he has to be the one to make the decision and I will stand by him

Ok... that’s a pretty harsh view of them but you know I guess. Hopefully one day your children’s partner’s don’t have the same view if you and you don’t have limited Christmas days with them left .
I think them never being able to spend Christmas Day with their own son is hard tbh.
You know them better though but that is his mother who gave birth to him at the end of the day and unless they are really abusive etc I think that’s sad for them.

He knows you don't like his Parents or Dsis if he has an issue speaking up he is not going to to suggest you do something you don't like.
Are they bad people or just cold/boring.

@Vangoghimnot1

Ok... that’s a pretty harsh view of them but you know I guess. Hopefully one day your children’s partner’s don’t have the same view if you and you don’t have limited Christmas days with them left . I think them never being able to spend Christmas Day with their own son is hard tbh. You know them better though but that is his mother who gave birth to him at the end of the day and unless they are really abusive etc I think that’s sad for them.

Yes the OP does know them better, giving birth to someone does not mean they're forever in your debt. My DH has had to listen to opinions like this from people with lovely parents and they are unhelpful. How much is "really abusive"? Is "a bit abusive" okay, because that's how it comes across. I had a thankfully happy childhood but can appreciate that not everyone is so fortunate. If you can't imagine it then you could read about it.

All that guff about limited Christmases left, everyone has limited Christmases left, you me, the OP and her family, so why spend them with people who make you unhappy?

@EmeraldShamrock

He knows you don't like his Parents or Dsis if he has an issue speaking up he is not going to to suggest you do something you don't like. Are they bad people or just cold/boring.

They've estranged one son-in-law already after they were racist about his heritage

Says it all really...

They've estranged one son-in-law already after they were racist about his heritage
I missed that they aren't just boringly cold so.

Totally overboard there@StrawBeretMoose. No, I don’t think it’s a case of being forever indebted to someone but I think it’s v extreme to completely cut someone off unless there is some serious issues . These are her dh’s parents at the end of the day. Maybe they are awful and and the op isn’t controlling etc...In that case there’s nothing for her dh to feel guilty about .

Isn’t you Christmas bubble full with just your Xmas plans anyway? I don’t legally allowed to visit PIL on Boxing Day anyway. Can’t you meet up week before Christmas for a short visit?

As you can only meet 2 other households i would suggest as you have got arrangements with your family (you said they count as one) tell her that your Mum has invited invisible Aunt Mabel and Uncle Mike, to make 2. Thats you all bubbled out then. Then SIL will need to sort a bubble between her and her boyfriend and both sets of parents. Got to follow those rules this year and if his parents want to see both children then neither can go anywhere else. So they can go along with SILs plans

I don't think it's overboard @Vangoghimnot1, I am genuinely curious as to what level of abuse there needs to be for it to be really abusive and therefore okay to not want to see them?

Some of the language in your post was quite emotive, mother who gave birth to him and limited Christmases remaining. This kind of language is often used by abusive parents. I'm not saying you are in that category, I'm saying those who are use these kind of terms to guilt their children.
Abuse in childhood can really hinder an adult from forming and maintaining boundaries. Abused children don't not love their parents, it might be easier in some respects if that were the case.

For my DH it's actually easier to be low contact than no contact as the weight of guilt is lifted and contact can be on his terms, on neutral territory and he can get up and leave. Maybe for the OP's DH this could be a possible way forward, but to mar Christmas day, just no.

Take hubby’s phone - send a form but polite reply back then block her number ❤️

We'd be spending Xmas with PIL exclusively and we'd have to bubble with them, who in turn would be in a bubble with SIL and her boyfriend, who in turn would be in a bubble with boyfriends parents.

You can only join one bubble, so this, above, wouldn't be allowed.

Srick with the plans with your family.

I think it's quite telling that you've dodged the question about how often you've spent Christmas with them vs SIL and I suspect she takes on the bulk of spending 'events' with them and wants a Christmas off herself.

Look, your DH doesn't want to spend Christmas with his parents, and on the face of it, your PIL are happy with that also.

So your DH needs to shut his sister up about it once and for all, rather than dumping it all on you with his cries of "it's ruined my Christmas" before Christmas has even got started .

Are your PIL seeing SIL over Christmas? I’m confused about which bubbles you are doing.

Are you seeing PIL on Boxing Day anyway? Is that a bubble of 3 households?

I actually don't think it's a good idea to see PILs at all this Xmas. It's obviously bad for your DH's mental health and he is under no obligation to them just because they raised him. Respect and kindness should work both ways and if they were pleasant and kind he would want to be with them. I think he needs a break from them and to work through his feelings about his family. Would he benefit from going low contact for example? Also, it's just one day, surely it's better to meet up with them in a few months once Covid is less prevalent and people are vaccinated. Just because we are allowed to meet up with family over Xmas doesn't mean we should.

If Sil was so caring she's make a sacrifice herself if she was worried about her parents. What she's actually doing is passing the buck to alleviate her own guilt. I agree with PP who said you should step in and save DH the stress.

Straw beret moose I agree and we have had the same phrases from dh abusive family and yes they struggle to make boundaries.

I just can't imagine bullying my adult dc like this, guilting them etc.
If they don't want to come home for Xmas or spend time with us... We either look to ourselves, be reflective and open up a dialogue as to why or we accept that they don't and just get on with the situation we have