To feel sad and embarrassed at work

[upsetandburnedout]

NC for obvious reasons.

I work in a highly pressured industry at a fairly senior level. The last year has been manic - I rarely clock in under 50 hours a week, often 60 and there have been major stresses with my team suffering under lockdown, client issues (i work with a famously unreasonable and difficult client) and general home stresses related to the current situation.

I have suffered with MH issues in the past but not since I had PND 10 years ago.

This week has been dreadful and I've just ground to a stop. I've dropped a couple of major balls and just feel like I can't do my job any more. I've spent the last three days in bed, called in sick and am just beside myself with crippling anxiety and a horrible feeling of listlessness and lack of motivation.

My rational mind is telling me this is burnout and a reaction to the incredible amount of pressure I have been under over the last 12 months and I need to take some time out to recuperate, but I can't help but feel so weak and guilty for cracking like this. I'm so filled with anxiety I can't bring myself to look at emails or whatsapps or contemplate the things that I might have missed since I have been off. My knee-jerk thought is that I just need to leave the toxic environment I've been working in but I am so lucky to be employed and couldn't afford even a month's unemployment while looking for something else.

AIBU for giving myself such a hard time? How can I pull myself out of this awful mental place? Practically, how do I handle this with my bosses/HR? I'm terrified if I tell them the truth they'll have me down as weak and it'll affect my future in the company.

I think you should get properly signed off work by your GP.

Get signed off ASAP

My rational mind is telling me this is burnout and a reaction to the incredible amount of pressure I have been under over the last 12 months and I need to take some time out to recuperate

You are correct. You need to put yourself first.

See your GP

This won't feel helpful, but it's true - Stuff what your bosses think. If they were worth anything at all then they wouldn't have let you work those hours, and would have checks in place to support the welfare of staff working at home. And I say this as someone managing lots of staff working from home, some of whom have struggled. So I have done the "strong word" about not clocking up so many hours (and I confess I could be a bit better at it myself, but nowhere near as bad as you); I have done the welfare checks with every person I manage weekly (and they have done the same with their staff); and I have done the action plans and support referrals for people struggling.

This is not your fault. It is your employers fault.

It is also not about pulling yourself together or pulling yourself out of this. You need to recover, and step one for that is you must speak to your GP and get signed off, and get some help. It is even possible that some time off - and not beating yourself up - is all you need.

Absolutely everyone has bad times - there's nothing truly wrong with your mental health is the last time you had a problem was PND ten years ago! If it was recurring every few months, or even every year, then yes, there may be an ongoing issue. But this doesn't sound like that is the case. You have just reached the end of your tether and you can't go on. It takes strength to admit that, not weakness. Any idiot can kill themselves by ignoring their needs.

I would suggest that you start with getting a fit note, and ask for a referral to occupational health at work. If the company think that says something bad about you, recover, recuperate then find an employer that deserves you.

I'm scared if I get signed off for stress my future with the company will be marked, as has happened with 2 colleagues in my wider team

Gosh I really feel for senior members trying to hold up sinking ships. I often worry about our manager (NHS) and how she is keeping going when our team is falling apart. I’m sure your colleagues probably feel the same about you, and would not begrudge or judge you for also being human! Please look after yourself

Thank you so much @Moondust001, that was so lovely it made me cry and is exactly what I needed to hear. I have done exactly the same with the people on my team as you mentioned you do and it's so hard that I don't get the support from above.

I'll be speaking to my GP tomorrow

@upsetandburnedout

Thank you so much *@Moondust001*, that was so lovely it made me cry and is exactly what I needed to hear. I have done exactly the same with the people on my team as you mentioned you do and it's so hard that I don't get the support from above.

I'll be speaking to my GP tomorrow

There, and you made me laugh. A couple of times that I have taken a similarly tough, no nonsense approach with staff, they burst into tears as well because I was being "nice" to them!

@Moondust001 you sound like a wonderful manager, we need more like you.

[quote AwaAnBileYerHeid]@Moondust001 you sound like a wonderful manager, we need more like you.[/quote]
That is so not what my Director thinks!

Obviously we need more managers like you, Moondust and fewer of his ilk.

I wouldn't tell them it was stress. If you ask the doctor, she should write something else instead. Don't say it's Covid, though!

I agree with everything @Moondust001 has said.

I have a manager just like Moondust and I know they are but appreciated from above but my goodness, they are appreciated by their team.

I was in your position about 3 years ago @upsetandburnedout and it is hard but taking time out was enough to give me the strength and a bit of breathing space to get through the work week while I looked for something new. I left and never looked back.

Be kind to yourself

I had a burn out a few years ago, it changed my personality and I was overwhelmed, I ended up going to my GP who I’ve probably seen twice in 10 years and sobbed and sobbed, which isn’t like me.

He wanted to sign me off for stress, I told him I couldn’t because it would look awful and I wouldn’t be supported, he signed me off for two weeks (he tried for three) with a completely different reason listed.

I pretty much slept for two weeks and it’s not happened since, worth talking to your GP.

I have ongoing MH problems caused by burnout years ago. I ended up with horrendous anxiety and delusional thoughts.

Please go to the GP and get help. This is no way to live your life.

May I also suggest taking a look at the MIND website. It is a charity offering support to people suffering with anxieties and mental health problems:

www.mind.org.uk

I hope you feel strong again soon xx

@upsetandburnedout

I'm scared if I get signed off for stress my future with the company will be marked, as has happened with 2 colleagues in my wider team

I’d be making plans to leave such a place whatever. It sounds toxic. Unless you’re developing a vaccine/ educating Syrian orphans/ saving puppies no one deserves 60 hours a week of your time at the expense of your health.

OP I could have written your post more or less word for word. I worked right through lockdown with my DD at home, technically supposed to be home schooling. I asked again and again for some consideration to be given to my situation and was repeatedly told that we were in crisis mode and I needed to crack on.

At one point I was routinely working 10 or 11 hours a day in my room with my DD next door on a tablet. My DD ended up suffering mental health difficulties as a result of the time I spent working. It was utterly horrific and one of the worst periods I've ever been through.

I managed to get through that more or less OK and have since been offered and accepted another job. DD and I are both feeling better and now schools are open the pressure is still relentless but I can actually get the job done.

The weird thing is the response to the stress and burnout has only really kicked in since I've known there's light at the end of the tunnel. This week I've felt utterly exhausted, paranoid to the point of mental illness about making mistakes at work and most bizarrely of all, guilty towards my employer for not having been motivated enough, despite the fact that I have been working insane hours without a single day off for nine months.

Just to reiterate what others have said: this is not your fault. You need to take a step back and you should take time off. If you need to get signed off, do it. If you just need a couple of duvet days, do that.

In terms of how you take it forward: its a good question. Assuming you want to stay where you are, I think its worth noting that a lot of bosses do seem to have had something of an epiphany about how they have treated their staff and the pressure this has put on them. It may be that others are raising the same points.

I personally think we owe it to ourselves and others like us to put this on record. People have been treated really badly through this crisis. Disproportionately, women. There's an opportunity for us as a society to really evaluate how we redesign work so it works properly for all of us and I think we need to speak out about it.

But don't worry about that now. Focus on getting some rest and getting yourself feeling right.

Trust your instincts OP and listen to your body. I remember working long hours and overriding the bit of me that was saying I was too tired/couldn't do it anymore. I realise now it was a warning sign and I should have listened. Taking a few days now is better then ending up needing months to recover. Nothing is more important than your health x

I'm scared if I get signed off for stress my future with the company will be marked, as has happened with 2 colleagues in my wider team

I get this, and have been in your position.

When I was, I told my line manager that I needed time off, because if I didn’t take a break I’d start exhibiting behaviours that attract criticism. This is code for being snappy and expressing sentiments like “why not get off your arse and do it yourself instead of sending all the problems my way?”

I got my two weeks. One week of my own annual leave and one for nothing.

I felt this was better than presenting my employer with the fait accompli of being signed off with stress by the GP. You are correct: no matter how things SHOULD be, in certain businesses being signed off with stress does affect how people view you.

However, you must realise that this isn’t a weakness in you. The capable people get stuff pushed onto them. The people doing the pushing don’t consider the impact on you. You have to assert yourself. Easier said than done. I am as guilty as anyone of being Miss Fix-it and the woman who always gets the job done, come what may. It is not sustainable without some respite.

I wish you all the best, you sound great. I am curious about your notoriously difficult client. On some level I am thinking, does she work in the royal press office trying to distract attention away from bloody Prince Andrew??

Your bosses have a duty of care. Tell then how you're feeling and see what can be done.

Nameandgamechange123

The thing is that's true in theory but in practice when the shit hits the fan companies don't honour this.

It's like the idea of being signed off with stress. In my company in theory that would be absolutely fine. In practice your card would be marked as someone who couldn't handle it.

It's shit but that's the reality in these sorts of environments.

The exact same thing happened to me a year ago: it was like my brain blew a fuse and in that moment I was totally unable to make even simple decisions.

I basically walked out halfway through the day, and got signed off for 5 weeks. It was the best thing I ever did. Nothing went wrong because I wasn't there. Nobody died. I realised that my work didn't matter as much as I thought it did.

Fast forward a year, when furlough was mentioned I jumped at it, spent five months being paid to not work, then found a better and much less stressful job.

I went through something like that earlier this year.

I learned a thing or two about stress. To some extent, its a good thing, and gives energy. But beyond a certain point it does not.

It is not an illness. It is a thing that happens. It is loaded on to you. And when you have too much of it, you break. You get anxiety and depression, and they are illnesses.

If you were a brickie, and your boss kept making you carry bricks until you collapsed, you would clearly see that its not your fault. Instead, your boss is making you (and perhaps you are making yourself) carry more and more, and now you are collapsing.

So, you are ill, and just as if you had broken bones or a disease, you need time off work and care. Talk to your GP and get signed off. Get someone to talk to if you can. And when you are feeling well enough, unless your employer is being extremely supportive and absolutely lovely to you, talk to your union or an employment lawyer.

Look after you. And, in case this all sounds a little blunt, please take all the best wishes I can offer. This is awful, I know, but you can get better.