To feel sad and embarrassed at work

[upsetandburnedout]

NC for obvious reasons.

I work in a highly pressured industry at a fairly senior level. The last year has been manic - I rarely clock in under 50 hours a week, often 60 and there have been major stresses with my team suffering under lockdown, client issues (i work with a famously unreasonable and difficult client) and general home stresses related to the current situation.

I have suffered with MH issues in the past but not since I had PND 10 years ago.

This week has been dreadful and I've just ground to a stop. I've dropped a couple of major balls and just feel like I can't do my job any more. I've spent the last three days in bed, called in sick and am just beside myself with crippling anxiety and a horrible feeling of listlessness and lack of motivation.

My rational mind is telling me this is burnout and a reaction to the incredible amount of pressure I have been under over the last 12 months and I need to take some time out to recuperate, but I can't help but feel so weak and guilty for cracking like this. I'm so filled with anxiety I can't bring myself to look at emails or whatsapps or contemplate the things that I might have missed since I have been off. My knee-jerk thought is that I just need to leave the toxic environment I've been working in but I am so lucky to be employed and couldn't afford even a month's unemployment while looking for something else.

AIBU for giving myself such a hard time? How can I pull myself out of this awful mental place? Practically, how do I handle this with my bosses/HR? I'm terrified if I tell them the truth they'll have me down as weak and it'll affect my future in the company.

Please look after yourself, OP. Contact the GP and get signed off.

You are burning yourself out, if you continue without support, you could be in for months of recovering.

Speak to your employer and your GP and concentrate on your health first, job second.

I'm scared if I get signed off for stress my future with the company will be marked

I'm not being flippant, I'm serious. Is this a company you really want a future with?

This has happened to a lovely person I work with. She was told by her GP she needed to take time off and she was hesitating. I happened to have a meeting scheduled with her the morning after and asked her how she was. She was honest and we spent the rest of the 'meeting' talking about it. Amongst other things, I basically said to her that you wouldn't think twice about taking time off for something physical if you needed time to recover, this is no different. I won't take credit for it, but she has been off for a couple of weeks now. Everyone knows she's off sick but not why. I'm not sharing.

Forget what work think, you need to concentrate on you. You need time to heal. Please take the time for your own sake

Stress makes you really ill, OP. It just isn't worth it. If you lose your health completely your employer won't care, they will just get somebody else.
Take it from somebody who knows.
Your health is the most precious thing you have.

You definitely sound burnt out. I agree with all the advice to get properly signed off to at least give yourself some breathing space.

I would only ask, and I mean it gently,seeing as you're fairly senior, how come you couldn't afford even a month's unemployment while you look for something else? That might (down the line) be something to look into and see if you can address. Having financial pressures only adds to health ones.

What everyone is saying - put yourself first, no one else will. You only get to go round once in life..
Good luck and please know you aren't alone in these things, lots of people understand and have been there and you are not weak .
Just go minute by minute. Health is everything- I speak from experience.
Once you have proper rest you will feel different.

You need to see your GP, and if necessary get signed off for a bit of a break until you feel better. I know this is no help, but I really don't understand what makes anyone want such a high pressure job? (not getting at you OP, this is a common story). I would much rather earn less money and have an ordinary job I could walk away from at the end of the day and forget until I arrived back next morning. It seems so many people are put under such pressure, and it's not good for health - mental or physical.

Forgot to say OP - you have no reason to feel embarrassed. Your employers should feel embarrassed for letting you get to this state.

We need to get past this view that being stressed and needing a break is something to be ashamed of.

Extreme stress, long hours and exhaustion are not sustainable. People eventually succumb.

I work in an incredibly high pressure environment where a number of people have had to take time away because it has just become too much.

Thankfully there has been nothing but support for these people - they were pushed to the brink and should never have been put in that position.

Your body is telling you to stop, so stop.

You will get through this and you will feel stronger. You just need time

@upsetandburnedout

I'm scared if I get signed off for stress my future with the company will be marked, as has happened with 2 colleagues in my wider team

Ask yourself - does this sound like a company that is good to work for?

Not only do you need to stop, you need to get rid of some of the work when you get back. You will only break again.

It sounds very much like you are suffering the classic symptoms of burnout. Time to put yourself first, whether that means taking a break, cutting down your hours, getting a new job or whatever it takes. I went through a phase like this at a previous job - clocking in 70 - 80 hours in office and then answering emails at all hours out of office. I was the super-calm, super-capable one at work not only doing my own work (which was a two man role in reality) but also that of several superiors and I wasn't recognised or rewarded for any of it. In the end i started tribunal proceedings but settled out of court with them but it left a bitter taste after I had spent ten years flogging my guts out for them. I can truly tell you that it isn't worth making yourself poorly for ANY company. God forbid that you dropped down dead tomorrow but they would immediately be looking to cover your role and start the recruitment process before your body even started to go cold! Please take some leave just to 'centre' yourself again and start looking for something else because what you are describing is not only destructive but unsustainable.

Think of yourself as an overheated electrical appliance, turn off at the switch, allow to cool. Works fine when turned back on.

This is so sad to read. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I've been there.

Please stop trying to soldier on, stop worrying about what people think of you and stop apologising for how you're feeling.

Your instincts are right - keep away from your emails and WhatsApps, listen to your bed and rest. Get to the doctor, take time off and recuperate. Based on what you've said it sounds like you need a good few weeks to get back on track.

And when you do, you can't return to what you were doing. Stop doing 50/60 hour weeks. It's not healthy and you will end up ill. Do what you can in your 40ish hours and then stop. If that's not enough then your employer needs to find a soliton, not you.

Please, please, please take peoples advice ❤️ Take care x

Yes definitely get it seen to op. I've had 2 nervous breakdowns in the last 5 years and thank God my boss and the place i work is supportive. It upsets me that that in this day and age women still struggle to be open about their mental health struggles for fear of judgement. The only way we can change this is by being open and direct.

It's also always a good sign for a manager (well, any decent manager) if someone has mh issues and is doing something proactively to address them rather than hiding it and acting a bit odd, dropping a few balls with no real indication of what's going on.

Hi Op Glad to hear you are going to see your doctor to day😊

Your instincts you know are totally right, you are definitely having burn out hardly susprising with the kind of work load you are being forced to do.

Just hearing about how many hours you cloak up, sounded stressful enough to myself letting alone doing this,(no wonder you feel like shit !

Moonshine the world of work/careers needs desperately more employers/bosess like yourself,( you sound like a real good..

I found this really helpful to think about when I had more to deal with than I could manage. I think it happens to lots of women, there are just too many balls to juggle sometimes, and I think we often feel on the back foot, unable to say no, because we’re worried we’ll seem overly emotional/ weak females. Moonshine is right- good managers care about their staff.

Anyway- this is it: www.workingmother.com/nora-roberts-juggling-kids-work-plastic-glass-balls

This has happened to me too this year OP. Senior role in high pressure environment, huge job, and then covering others', meant I was essentially trying to cram 10 days' work into 5, whilst homeschooling an 8 yr old and looking after a pre schooler (with DH). Add in some really traumatic personal stuff, and I was off one week with stress- back to work...then two weeks- back to work
Then total MH collapse and I'm now in week 6 of being properly off. On ADs and having shit loads of trauma counselling. Counsellor wanted me admitted at one point.

I am angry that it came to this. But from the other side, I feel the best and only thing I can do is take the time and drugs to get better not just for me, but my lovely DH and DCs.

Wishing you all the best

if I get signed off for stress my future with the company will be marked, as has happened with 2 colleagues in my wider team

I know jobs are hard to get right now, I'm under employed myself.
But WHY do you want to stay in a job where the attitudes are so unkind, unsustainable, intolerant & making you ill. I would be planning my exit strategy not worrying about my future with them.

@NorthernChinchilla

This has happened to me too this year OP. Senior role in high pressure environment, huge job, and then covering others', meant I was essentially trying to cram 10 days' work into 5, whilst homeschooling an 8 yr old and looking after a pre schooler (with DH). Add in some really traumatic personal stuff, and I was off one week with stress- back to work...then two weeks- back to work Then total MH collapse and I'm now in week 6 of being properly off. On ADs and having shit loads of trauma counselling. Counsellor wanted me admitted at one point.

I am angry that it came to this. But from the other side, I feel the best and only thing I can do is take the time and drugs to get better not just for me, but my lovely DH and DCs.

Wishing you all the best

So sorry his happened to you. I had a similar experience. Thought all I needed was a few days off to rest when I really needed six weeks (actually should have taken longer).

I remember the terror of being called to see HR, thinking they would push me to go back.

They advised me to take longer, the woman held my hand while I cried.

Employers shouldn’t push people to the point of collapse. There is often a more unsympathetic view to people in senior roles. We should be able to put in the 70 to 80 hour weeks, while covering for staff vacancies and meeting impossible deadlines.

Everyone, at every level, needs to have a personal life, and some tie. To rest and recharge.

Thanks @Ideasplease322
It's been a magnificently crap year, and as I live in Kent all that 2021 will bring is gridlock and even more Brexit-related work!
It was especially galling for me as my manager knew I was sending emails at 2, 3, 4 in the morning, and the one time I asked for help I didnt get it

Really hope you're in a better place now too.

I wanted to give a quick update - thanks so much for all your kind words and advice.

I took a week and a half off which was enough for me to rest and get the break I needed to soulseek a little bit. I made the decision to see out a couple of projects through the new year and then leave, but on my return I was actually made redundant. It's obviously not the best time to be job-seeking but I'm delighted, I've got a bit of redundancy pay which will give me time to take more of a breather and look for something new (with better higher management!).

Thanks again to everyone here, your words helped so much.

So glad it worked out for you 😊