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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas with friend's DD?

73 replies

QueenKit · 25/11/2020 22:24

DP has an old friend who got together with a friend of mine a few years ago. They had a DD (now 6yo), but the relationship didn't last and they now have their DD more or less 50/50. It's his year to have Christmas with her this year and he's asked DP if they can come to us. I feel a bit weird about the thought of spending Christmas with my friend's DD, when I imagine it'll be quite hard for my friend to be away from her daughter, and possibly in her own, over Christmas. DP thinks it doesn't matter as my friend won't be seeing her daughter on Christmas day whether or not his friend brings her to ours.

Is it makes any difference, they'll probably come around lunchtime (ie not be here in the morning for presents etc) and maybe stay over the night. I'm not that close to my friends these days (see her maybe 3-4 times a year), but her ex is a close/old friend of DPs

YABU = It's fine, seeing them at Christmas doesn't make any difference to anything

YANBU = It'd be insensitive/weird to be with your friend's dd on Christmas when she doesn't get to see her

OP posts:
Freddiefox · 25/11/2020 22:27

It’s a bit weird, it i think it’s ok, sounds like you aren’t that close to her now. Could she come as well?

BenoneBeauty · 25/11/2020 22:51

It's a bit weird but given the circumstances you describe it does sound understandable so I'd have them round.

Original poster
QueenKit · 26/11/2020 16:00

Nice thought about her coming too - but they're not on good terms so that's a no-go!

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 26/11/2020 16:04

I can understand your predicament but he's a close friend of your DPs so I think it's fine. Maybe tell her though

user1493413286 · 26/11/2020 16:10

I would tell her; potentially quite quickly so that she doesn’t hear it from him first. I would feel a little strange and a little sad for my friend but then she wouldn’t be seeing her DD either way so in the end it makes no difference to her

Catflapkitkat · 26/11/2020 16:10

I came in suggest inviting her - could that be floated as a suggestion. Surely they wouldn't kick off in someone's home. Of that is a no-no - you need to give her the heads up, so she doesn't find out from someone else.

Offer to take lots of photographs, face time etc.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 26/11/2020 16:17

I think given you're not that close anymore it's not so bad. For all you know she might be spending Christmas with a new bloke?! Obviously she'd probably prefer to spend it with her DD, but that's not happening no matter what her DD does with her Dad.

If it was me, I'd be happy to know DD was having a nice day and depending what her Ex is like, that's she with you for at least part of it.

I would tell her though, I wouldn't just ignore it. That would feel like you were going behind her back & that hurts when you separate & friends for stuff like that.

One thing to consider though is he needs to agree he's the second part of your Christmas bubble. And you need to be happy that he's 'using' one of your two 'bubble spaces'.

Redlocks28 · 26/11/2020 16:24

One thing to consider though is he needs to agree he's the second part of your Christmas bubble. And you need to be happy that he's 'using' one of your two 'bubble spaces'.

This is my first thought.

I’ve spent the last 24 hours hearing from people forced to choose between seeing their mum or their dad or their brother or sister or parents/in laws.

This friend of DHs is assuming you will not only cook for and host them over Xmas , but be happy to use half of your Christmas bubble choices on them!

Original poster
QueenKit · 26/11/2020 16:54

Thanks for your thoughts. I'm reassured that it's not too weird, and good point about being upfront with her about it.

Re the bubble thing, that's no problem as we'll otherwise only be having DPs DB/SIL come to us, so 3 households total

OP posts:
Redlocks28 · 26/11/2020 17:05

@QueenKit

Thanks for your thoughts. I'm reassured that it's not too weird, and good point about being upfront with her about it.

Re the bubble thing, that's no problem as we'll otherwise only be having DPs DB/SIL come to us, so 3 households total

As long as DB/SIL and the DH’s friend/daughter are also happy not to see anyone else other than you for the whole Christmas period as well?
Mittens030869 · 26/11/2020 17:37

Seeing as this friend isn’t so close to you now, it really isn’t all that weird. But I agree that it would be a good idea give her a ‘heads-up’ so she doesn’t hear about it from someone else (or via Facebook photos).

MrsToddsShortcut · 26/11/2020 17:52

The only thing to bear in mind is that the bubble of three families have to fixed for the entire 5 day period and can't be more than 8 people.

So if you have DPs and DB/SIL over, that will be your eight. Sorry, I'm not sure if you have kids, but if so, you'll be over your limit.

Also, you & DP need to check that his friend and your family are happy to not see anyone else at all over the 5 days as the bubble has to be fixed.

So if his friend and DD spent Christmas Day with you and you have your family over, his DD will then be able to spend time at her mums, but he won't be able to
spend time with anyone else as he will be part of your bubble.

It's all really complicated trying to juggle all these bubbles.

Redlocks28 · 26/11/2020 18:10

The only thing to bear in mind is that the bubble of three families have to fixed for the entire 5 day period and can't be more than 8 people.

I haven’t heard that-I’m sure that’s not the case in England?

Crystal87 · 26/11/2020 18:15

It's fine as long as you don't mind it affecting your friendship. But if you are now closer friends with her father then it's not really an issue.

Original poster
QueenKit · 28/11/2020 11:24

It's fine as long as you don't mind it affecting your friendship

That's kind of the point of me asking really. Is it a big enough deal to affect a friendship? Would people be irreparably pissed off if this happened to them?

OP posts:
Porcupineinwaiting · 28/11/2020 11:27

I'd hope I'd be pleased my dc was having a nice Christmas.

Newkitchen123 · 28/11/2020 11:30

@Redlocks28

The only thing to bear in mind is that the bubble of three families have to fixed for the entire 5 day period and can't be more than 8 people.

I haven’t heard that-I’m sure that’s not the case in England?

I haven't seen anything about 8 people Just 3 households
WorraLiberty · 28/11/2020 11:32

Why has he asked to come to you? Confused

Does he live in a bedsit/have no cooking facilities?

What's behind the request?

Chamomileteaplease · 28/11/2020 11:35

I would not ask her permission but ask her what she thought about it.

Hopefully she will be unselfish enough just to care that her daughter will be having a nice Christmas Day.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 28/11/2020 11:36

I think it's fine, but I would run it past my friend before agreeing to it. She may feel she doesn't have much option but to agree, but at least she will feel that she's been consulted and her feelings considered, rather than presented with a like-it-or-lump-it situation.

It also reassures her that you still value her friendship, rather than just allying yourself with her ex because he is your husband's friend.

IMNOTSHOUTING · 28/11/2020 11:38

It's a bit strange.Why doesn't your DP's friend want to do Christmas at his own home with his DD? I would just ask your friend what she thinks to be honest. I don't think in her situation I'd try and stop it from happening.

Newfornow · 28/11/2020 11:41

Why are they coming to you? Didn’t your dh consider how this would be for you?
I’d ask her, she’ll probably say no. Job done. It was decision.

Original poster
QueenKit · 28/11/2020 11:45

@WorraLiberty

Why has he asked to come to you? Confused

Does he live in a bedsit/have no cooking facilities?

What's behind the request?

What a strange question Confused Because Christmas is a time to spend with loved ones and we enjoy each other's company
OP posts:
SnackSizeRaisin · 28/11/2020 11:46

It means neither you nor your sister nor this friend will be able to see anyone else during those 5 days. So I think you have a very good excuse if you need one.
Other than that I would just be selfish and think about whether you want to see these people on Xmas day.

IMNOTSHOUTING · 28/11/2020 11:52

@QueenKit

It's not a strange question at all. Christmas is only usually spent with close family. If I only saw my child 50% of the time I'd definitely prefer to spend Christmas at home with them rather than go round my mate's house. If I had a friend who would otherwise be alone or who couldn't manage cooking I'd invite them in a flash but it's certainly not done normally. Especially this year when it means your family won't be able to come as there are too many households.