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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Christmas with friend's DD?

73 replies

QueenKit · 25/11/2020 22:24

DP has an old friend who got together with a friend of mine a few years ago. They had a DD (now 6yo), but the relationship didn't last and they now have their DD more or less 50/50. It's his year to have Christmas with her this year and he's asked DP if they can come to us. I feel a bit weird about the thought of spending Christmas with my friend's DD, when I imagine it'll be quite hard for my friend to be away from her daughter, and possibly in her own, over Christmas. DP thinks it doesn't matter as my friend won't be seeing her daughter on Christmas day whether or not his friend brings her to ours.

Is it makes any difference, they'll probably come around lunchtime (ie not be here in the morning for presents etc) and maybe stay over the night. I'm not that close to my friends these days (see her maybe 3-4 times a year), but her ex is a close/old friend of DPs

YABU = It's fine, seeing them at Christmas doesn't make any difference to anything

YANBU = It'd be insensitive/weird to be with your friend's dd on Christmas when she doesn't get to see her

OP posts:

LindaEllen · 28/11/2020 11:58

@MrsToddsShortcut

The only thing to bear in mind is that the bubble of three families have to fixed for the entire 5 day period and can't be more than 8 people.

So if you have DPs and DB/SIL over, that will be your eight. Sorry, I'm not sure if you have kids, but if so, you'll be over your limit.

Also, you & DP need to check that his friend and your family are happy to not see anyone else at all over the 5 days as the bubble has to be fixed.

So if his friend and DD spent Christmas Day with you and you have your family over, his DD will then be able to spend time at her mums, but he won't be able to
spend time with anyone else as he will be part of your bubble.

It's all really complicated trying to juggle all these bubbles.

8 people? You've made that up love.

WorraLiberty · 28/11/2020 11:58

How is that a strange question?

Visiting friends over the Christmas period is completely different to expecting them to want to feed you and your child Christmas dinner on Christmas day and spend the rest of the day with them.

It's never occurred to me to have the brass neck.

Would your friend also ask if she can spend Christmas day and night at yours, if it was her year to have her child?

WorraLiberty · 28/11/2020 12:00

In fact it's exactly the sort of thing my BIL would do when he has his DD every other Christmas.

He's always looking for someone else to cook the Christmas dinner and host him and his daughter because he can't be arsed to do it himself.

I could understand him asking to go to yours on Boxing day but Christmas day is quite strange imo.

userxx · 28/11/2020 12:02

@WorraLiberty I've spent many Christmas days with my best friend. Isn't Christmas about spending it with loved ones? I find your thinking very odd.

Original poster

QueenKit · 28/11/2020 12:03

In a bit amazed that people can't imagine a scenario in which some people don't have big families and/or have old and close friends who they would enjoy spending Christmas with

But thanks to people who have answered the actual question, and not gone sideways onto ins and outs of Christmas bubbles, reasonableness of Christmas with friends, etc

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 28/11/2020 12:04

[quote userxx]@WorraLiberty I've spent many Christmas days with my best friend. Isn't Christmas about spending it with loved ones? I find your thinking very odd. [/quote]
And were you invited or did you ask to spend it with them?

That's the difference here imo.

Well that and the fact that this man is spending Christmas with his loved one - his daughter.

IMNOTSHOUTING · 28/11/2020 12:06

@QueenKit You seem rather defensive. Lots of people don't have big families but then just have a small family christmas. There's nothing wrong with spending Christmas with friends but it's unusual to invite yourself to a friend's house for Christmas dinner unless there's a reason for it. (e.g. you can't cook at your house, your house is too small, you're unwell etc). That reason is relevant to answering the question. If his DD otherwise wouldn't get a proper Christmas I'd be more willing to piss off my friend than if her dad couldn't be bothered to cook himself so was looking for an easy way out - why so resistant to answering simple questions? Of course the bubbles are relevant, if him coming means your family can't then how can that not be relevant? It's odd to ask a question then get annoyed with different opinions.

Arosadra · 28/11/2020 12:08

Yeah inviting yourself for Christmas is odd!

But to the original question ad going against the grain, I wouldn’t do it. It has the potential to cause so much upset. I’m guessing the people who are saying the friend should just want her dd to have a nice Christmas haven’t experienced being excluded from a family Christmas.

I would never let my dc know but I would be devastated.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/11/2020 12:08

What a strange question confused Because Christmas is a time to spend with loved ones and we enjoy each other's company than that's your answer. it would be weird for one of DH's mates to ask to come for Xmas lunch and sleep over, cos they aren't close like that. But it isn't weird for you that he's asked, its just the "you seeing Daughter and not Mom" so i'd agree.

However do BIL/SIL realise that they can't have a third family in their Xmas Bubble because its now DHs friend?

emilybrontescorsett · 28/11/2020 12:09

I find him asking totally odd.
This has already been asked but what would your dh day if the mum asked if she could come for Christmas day with her dd and stay overnight? Would his response be exactly the same?
Who is cooking and cleaning up Christmas day? Will the friend help out?
Do you have young children op?
What will the 6 year old do all day?
What about the programmes you want to watch. I'm quite sure I wouldn't be watching kids tv if I didn't have a young child.
Why doesn't he want to spend it with his child instead of imposing on someone else.
Again it will mean none of your bubble can meet up with anyone else.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/11/2020 12:11

op do you know what your friend is doing for Xmas?

Nanny0gg · 28/11/2020 12:11

@QueenKit

It's fine as long as you don't mind it affecting your friendship

That's kind of the point of me asking really. Is it a big enough deal to affect a friendship? Would people be irreparably pissed off if this happened to them?

I'll be honest, it wouldn't be your fault but I'd still be hurt.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/11/2020 12:12

do you have kids op?

WorraLiberty · 28/11/2020 12:13

If his DD otherwise wouldn't get a proper Christmas I'd be more willing to piss off my friend than if her dad couldn't be bothered to cook himself so was looking for an easy way out

Yes, me too.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/11/2020 12:13

op has said they're very close. if this was his brother and niece asking, would it still be inappropriate cheekery fuckery and a sign he just wants to offload his kid and be weighed on all day?

emilybrontescorsett · 28/11/2020 12:13

This isn't an ordinary christmas . If I was your sil/bil I would not sacrifice seeing my parent so that your friend can visit you with his child.

MoiraNotRuby · 28/11/2020 12:15

I think the dad sounds decidedly crap. He is looking for an easy way to do Christmas for his child without putting any effort in. Surely no small child wants to spend Christmas with their dads-friends and their dads-friends-inlaws? She will feel like an afterthought even if she is made centre of attention.

If I was the mum, and you were my friend, I would be very hurt by you doing this. Basically enabling the dad to be rubbish.

Better for the girl to spend Christmas with a bubble full of people she is close to, who know and love her. If that means she is with her mum this year then that's what should happen.

WorraLiberty · 28/11/2020 12:17

@SleepingStandingUp

op has said they're very close. if this was his brother and niece asking, would it still be inappropriate cheekery fuckery and a sign he just wants to offload his kid and be weighed on all day?

I can only speak for my BIL as I don't know the OP's brother but in my BIL's case - yes definitely.

And just like the man in the OP, he wouldn't consider the awkward position he might be putting anyone in. As long as he doesn't have to cook Christmas dinner and everything else hosting entails.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/11/2020 12:20

but we don't know why he's asked. if op has no kids and its going to be a very adult christmas or if there's a pile of kids for her to see, if he sits there and waves his glass at her for a drink or always dug into the washing up after family meals, if he's worried dd will be bored with just him at home or if he's annoyed he has to put up with a kid and looking for anyone to offload her on whilst he gets pissed

WorraLiberty · 28/11/2020 12:22

@SleepingStandingUp

Well exactly and the OP chose not to answer questions about why he has asked and whether or not he's able to cook for/entertain his daughter in his own home.

IMNOTSHOUTING · 28/11/2020 12:24

@SleepingStandingUp Well that depends surely. DP and his friend are close but it doesn't sound like OP is close with this friend, and we don't know if they as a couple are close with his DD. If not it would be weird for the DD to be there at Christmas. That's completely different from a brother/niece situation. They don't normally spend Christmas together so why now? There might be good reasons but surely those reasons are relevant when it will mean no one else can see wider family over Christmas?

emilybrontescorsett · 28/11/2020 12:26

I'm also thinking perhaps the child should spend time with her mum this year.
Seeing as though the dad seems unable to do what millions of single parents do and make the most of having their child with them at Christmas.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/11/2020 12:27

[quote IMNOTSHOUTING]@SleepingStandingUp Well that depends surely. DP and his friend are close but it doesn't sound like OP is close with this friend, and we don't know if they as a couple are close with his DD. If not it would be weird for the DD to be there at Christmas. That's completely different from a brother/niece situation. They don't normally spend Christmas together so why now? There might be good reasons but surely those reasons are relevant when it will mean no one else can see wider family over Christmas?[/quote]
totally agree they're relavent and who else will be there too

SleepingStandingUp · 28/11/2020 12:28

but there's reason to assume if Mom had her that she'd stay home with her alone vs going to her sisters or Mums or mates

emilybrontescorsett · 28/11/2020 12:28

Also call me over protective by why is the dad willing to risk his health and that of his child in the middle of a pandemic?
Surely staying at home safe should be his prioriry.

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