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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Christmas with friend's DD?

73 replies

QueenKit · 25/11/2020 22:24

DP has an old friend who got together with a friend of mine a few years ago. They had a DD (now 6yo), but the relationship didn't last and they now have their DD more or less 50/50. It's his year to have Christmas with her this year and he's asked DP if they can come to us. I feel a bit weird about the thought of spending Christmas with my friend's DD, when I imagine it'll be quite hard for my friend to be away from her daughter, and possibly in her own, over Christmas. DP thinks it doesn't matter as my friend won't be seeing her daughter on Christmas day whether or not his friend brings her to ours.

Is it makes any difference, they'll probably come around lunchtime (ie not be here in the morning for presents etc) and maybe stay over the night. I'm not that close to my friends these days (see her maybe 3-4 times a year), but her ex is a close/old friend of DPs

YABU = It's fine, seeing them at Christmas doesn't make any difference to anything

YANBU = It'd be insensitive/weird to be with your friend's dd on Christmas when she doesn't get to see her

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 28/11/2020 12:31

@emilybrontescorsett

Also call me over protective by why is the dad willing to risk his health and that of his child in the middle of a pandemic? Surely staying at home safe should be his prioriry.

surely that question should be posed to most of the UK, most of whom will be seeing people over Christmas, going out where they can depending on tiers etc. Very few households will spend the whole of Christmas locked inside with their household

Original poster

QueenKit · 28/11/2020 12:34

Grr, just wrote a long post answering all questions and lost it. Give me a minute...

OP posts:

Lovebuffy · 28/11/2020 12:37

Typical that someone asks a question and its completely derailed by covid and bloody bubbles.

Brakebackcyclebot · 28/11/2020 12:40

It sounds like your DP's friendship with the dad is stronger than your friendship with the mum?

You've assumed that mum will be miserable at not spending Xmas with her DD. Perhaps this isn't the case? I spend every other Xmas without my kids, and it's just the way it is. I do nice stuff with others, and we celebrate Xmas a different day. Talk to your friend. Be up front with her.

I also don't see why it's odd to ask to spend Xmas with friends. We've had friends over at christmas before. Not everyone has a big family, or even gets on with family. Sometimes a christmas day with friends is much more attractive. It doesn't have to be because you live in a bedsit without a cooker [hmmm]!

TheYearOfSmallThings · 28/11/2020 12:44

Seeing as though the dad seems unable to do what millions of single parents do and make the most of having their child with them at Christmas

Maybe that is what he is doing?

My friend is a single parent with one child. She is perfectly willing to cook a Christmas dinner and stay home all day with her DS, but he is a sociable child who wants more company on Christmas day (don't most of us IRL?). So they will come to ours, which is great because her DS and my DS can play together, and everyone has more people to chat with. And yes, she asked, because it just never struck me to invite them.

The idea that seeing friends on Christmas day is a parenting failure is bizarre to me, as is the idea that a single parent should sit at home with their DC (presumably snuggling and drinking hot chocolate. I don't know any children who actually enjoy that.)

SleepingStandingUp · 28/11/2020 12:44

@Lovebuffy

Typical that someone asks a question and its completely derailed by covid and bloody bubbles.

because if we assume compliance with rules, its relevant. Alto if he forms a support bubble wit op and dh then they'd be the same household so it would still onyl be two households and il's could see one other family

SleepingStandingUp · 28/11/2020 12:45

@TheYearOfSmallThings its only a parenting failure for a man because they are lesser parents and anything they do can only be seen as a shirking of responsibility. if op said her female friend wanted to come with same child it would be great they we're alone and were getting support blah blah blah. however he's a man so he's a lazy shit dad.

WorraLiberty · 28/11/2020 12:46

@Lovebuffy

Typical that someone asks a question and its completely derailed by covid and bloody bubbles.

I think this is one of the few threads where it's entirely relevant and should in part, help the OP to make up her mind.

BlueCheckedTeatowel · 28/11/2020 12:47

i would think of it as you giving her DC a good christmas on a day she cant. you can make it special for her, whereas maybe it wouldnt be as special on her own with her dad

WorraLiberty · 28/11/2020 12:49

[quote SleepingStandingUp]@TheYearOfSmallThings its only a parenting failure for a man because they are lesser parents and anything they do can only be seen as a shirking of responsibility. if op said her female friend wanted to come with same child it would be great they we're alone and were getting support blah blah blah. however he's a man so he's a lazy shit dad.[/quote]
Personally I'd still say she had a brass neck to ask, instead of waiting to be invited.

If spending the day with the OP and her family is important to this man, why hasn't he asked to host them?

Although having said that, the OP chose not to answer about his living accomodation/cooking facilities etc.

But it's rude to put people on the spot and ask if they'll host you and your DC on Christmas day, especially as it's causing a problem for the OP.

Original poster

QueenKit · 28/11/2020 12:49

OK, I thought the other questions about bubbles and why he's asked were a bit off topic, but I can see how they're relevant.

He and dp are close so it doesn't seem weird that they've asked. His dd is a similar age to ours kids and they get on. There are no other kids in our wider family so it'll be a nice change to have more kids around. Others coming aren't bothered about them coming out taking up bubble spaces.

I've no problem with him asking or coming. Yes, I do think there's an element of it being a bit easier for him to be with us, rather than alone with his dd, but this isn't an issue for us, it's not like he'll be expected to be waited on or offload his dd onto us /or kids. We're all close and it'll be a fun, relaxed day is they come

My only concern in the whole thing is whether it would upset my friend, which is why I didn't see all the other issues as relevant

OP posts:

Original poster

QueenKit · 28/11/2020 12:51

@TheYearOfSmallThings

Seeing as though the dad seems unable to do what millions of single parents do and make the most of having their child with them at Christmas

Maybe that is what he is doing?

Yes, exactly this. He could spend Christmas with just her, but it'd be more fun for all concerned with more of us together

OP posts:

Original poster

QueenKit · 28/11/2020 12:56

We didn't invite him because we assume people will be doing their own thing at Christmas. For whatever reason he's not this year so mentioned us spend it together

We have a way bigger house than him, so it's obvious that we'd host here rather than anywhere else. Plus we wanted to invite other family.

OP posts:

TheYearOfSmallThings · 28/11/2020 13:15

Personally I'd still say she had a brass neck to ask, instead of waiting to be invited

I've asked her worse things and she hasn't flinched.

Even if I thought it was cheeky (which I don't in her case) I would still recognise that she was doing her best to give her DS the day he would enjoy most.

Trust me, she isn't coming for the oven ready turkey crown and plum pudding ice cream. She is a much better cook!

AlternativePerspective · 28/11/2020 13:28

Reminding the OP of rules and bubbles is not relevant here, however much people want to use the excuse to play COVID police on yet another thread.

The OP is an adult, as, presumably, are her friend and SIL, and have I am sure had as much access to the ability to read/hear the rules as all of those insisting that the OP should be aware of them.

As for the person saying that it can be no more than eight people, that rule applies in Scotland only.

OP I don’t think it’s a problem. He’s your friend and has a daughter, she’s your friend and happens to have the same daughter. if you would host her then hosting him is no different. And the reasons why he asked etc are nobody’s business but yours and his.

DelphiniumBlue · 28/11/2020 13:55

It sounds like it will be fun for the little girl and your DD, in my experience children like it if there are other kids to play with, and a variety of adults means there is always one available to join in games.
From what you say, the only issue is how your friend will feel, and for that reason I'd talk to her about it first. Chances are she will feel pleased that her daughter will be having a nice day, and keeping up bonds - it's always nice for a child of separated parents if there is some continuity with the other adults in their life, and if you are there, it means she can talk about her Mum if she feels like it without feeling bad.
Maybe while talking to your friend about it, invite her over (Covid regs permitting) with her DD at a different time, let her see you are not prioritising her ex over her.

Meraas · 28/11/2020 14:04

I think the key thing is that he is a closer friend to DP then his ex is to you.

I would be wary of him wanting to come to you every year though.

okletsdothis · 28/11/2020 14:59

8 people? You've made that up love.

No she hasn't @LindaEllen, but it only applies in Scotland.

user1493494961 · 28/11/2020 15:29

I have the feeling that OP will be ignoring the 'bubbles' rules.

PullTheBricksDown · 28/11/2020 15:37

Who's cooking dinner? Will everyone pitch in and help with general clearing up, washing up and so on?

Will the friend's DD want to Facetime or whatever with her mum on Christmas Day and will that be weird?

IMNOTSHOUTING · 28/11/2020 16:18

@AlternativePerspective don't be an idiot of course it's relevant. There are a number of factors involved and taking up bubbles space is one. If her in laws would now not be able to visit other family that's a huge reason to say no. Saying OP is an adult is assinine in the extreme. She's asked for advice and that obviously factors into the advice.

OP I think since you have DD's similar in age and you seem to all like the idea of spending the day together I would just check in with your friend and if she doesn't object say yes. From the tone of your posts it sounds like you like the idea of him being there and it'll add to your day.

Original poster

QueenKit · 28/11/2020 16:27

@user1493494961

I have the feeling that OP will be ignoring the 'bubbles' rules.

I have literally no idea where you got that from

I have the feeling you are the kind of person who likes to make ridiculous, unfounded assumptions to make yourself feel superior

OP posts:

MissSmith80 · 28/11/2020 17:50

If I were your friend, I'd like you to let me know that it was an option and I would be thrilled that my DD was going to have a lovely Christmas with good people.
I assume that she has other plans like friends or family to be with or be actually quite looking forward to a quiet day to herself and to celebrate Christmas on another day with her daughter. But even if she has not plans, that would be the same even if DD wasn't going to be with you.

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