AIBU to ask what is the right thing to do - sibling feud?

[RealMermaid]

I'm none of the three people in this story but I am close to them and would like to get a reading on what people think is the right thing to do.

3 siblings - A, B, and C. All three live a long way apart from each other. For a number of years, B and C have not been on speaking terms. A and B are fairly close, A and C are not close but do vaguely keep in touch.

C tells A they have a terminal diagnosis. Don't know how long they have left, but it should become clearer after some further tests very soon. C tells A they don't want B to know. A is concerned that when B does eventually find out, it will seriously impact their relationship if they find out A knew and didn't tell them.

What is the right thing to do?

YABU - it's C's news, so their wishes should be respected. Don't tell B.
YANBU - A should tell B and give them the chance to patch things up while it's still possible.

In the past I would have said respect their wishes. However, I lost a sibling to a terminal illness this year. I'd have been devastated if I wasn't given the opportunity to make peace with them before they passed away.

Yikes. I think A should tell C that C is putting A in a really difficult position and forcing her/him to risk their relationship with B. Then hopefully C will give permission for A to tell B.

But perhaps C is fearful that B will hear the news, and make no effort to contact them, or something like that. So I would tread sensitively

C is being very unfair, and dare I say manipulative.

They know that A and B are close, and now they have deliberately created a reason for that relationship to be impacted.

As sorry as I feel for C having a terminal diagnosis, I don’t think they have behaved at all well over this, and I would tell B not only because they may patch things up with C, but because when C is gone the relationship with B could have suffered irreparable damage.

Have you got your letters mixed up?

I think the one who knows should tell the one with the diagnosis that she really really needs to tell her sister. It's putting her in a very unfair situation.

Sorry, I'm tired. Ignore the bit about getting muddled - I should've known I was the one with the problem!

What was the cause of the fallout?

YABU. It’s Cs news. I would be so angry if this was me and someone told my no contact siblings something as personal and private. To even consider breaking the confidence is outrageous.

I do speak from a medical point of view, but, the information is relating to C’s private health information. A has no authority & no right to tell B against C’s express wishes.

If I was A, I would gently work on C as appropriate to give their consent to B being told.

It could end up causing another falling out of the two siblings that do talk
It’s an impossible situation

YABU.
I know people in this situation.
Stay out of this. This is C’s journey, and it is up to them and nobody else how they travel it.

Hmm... I'm in the minority. I don't know really but my gut is that this should be shared.

It's a good idea though for A to appeal to C first, about how not being able to share is affecting A, rather than riding roughshod over C's wishes.

If I were A, I'd let C know that was putting me in an impossible position and that I couldn't do that to B.
I would ask C to either tell B themselves, or make peace with the fact that I would be telling B.
For a second, I was going to say people should respect the wishes of the person whose news it is to tell, or not tell, but then I thought about reality and the fact that B might want to make peace, and the fact that A and B might still want to have a relationship after C has gone, and it is not fair of C to ask A to keep quiet about this.

Someone in dhs family's dh died a couple of years ago, after being ill with cancer for some months. She didn't tell anyone until not only after he had dies but after she held the funeral. She had always had a bit of an odd relationship - never had a 'falling out' with her siblings, but didn't ever bother joining in any gathering either, just lived her life in a different way, but that felt like such a slap in the face to the rest of the family, the relationship has now broken down irretrievably. I couldn't 'not tell' B, if I were A.

Difficult. I have a friend from a large family who treated them very badly during teens/twenties and even into thirties. Friend is understandably not close to their siblings but was very ill earlier this year. I was informed as friend had put me down as 'next of kin'. A few days later when things had settled down a little and friend was out of hospital they became very upset that a family member had turned up at their house. I don't know friend's family so can't comment on their intentions but they were not allowed in, and haven't been in touch with my friend at all since.
I think that the person with the terminal diagnosis has the right to ask for their wishes to be respected...but the person respecting those wishes is in a catch 22 situation.

Realistically this is Cs information and shouldn't be shared without their consent, but emotionally it's really tough on A - A is likely now in a position where they hurt someone ultimately.

I've seen this work both ways, a family member devastated not to have the chance to make amends and an ill person horrified to have a family member arrive years later when they did not want them knowing anything. Neither had good fallouts.

My gut errs towards the ill calling the shots, though in the case of A I'd make clear that it wasn't fair to out me in that position.

I think until all the tests have been done and they know the full picture A should keep C's confidence and then go from there.

If I was A I would firstly tell C that B should know. If that didn't work then I would be totally upfront with B and tell them anyway, and explain that C doesn't want them to know.

It appears C might want to cause conflict between A and B, even after he/she dies.

Is the news likely to make B want to reconnect with C?

I actually think C wants B to know but can't bring themselves to pick up the phone. They've got round the issue by telling A as they're certain that A will inform B. So I would advise A to tell B as the terminal illness of a sibling isn't something to keep secret.

A should tell B, but C doesn’t want to “patch it up” so B shouldn’t attempt it.

If C doesn't want B to know, then they probably aren't interested in a death-bed reconciliation either, so what would be the point of telling B? It seems a bit cruel to say 'C's dying , but she doesn't want to speak to you.' because either B feels the same in which case no harm done either way or they don't, which could potentially be disastrous!

Surely if B ever finds out B will believe that A was following C's wishes and it would have been wrong to betray the trust.

Reconciliations are overrated. When siblings fall out that badly it is a sign that something was very wrong. A reconciliation might be a bad thing for C and she clearly thinks so herself.

Stay out of it, if the person wanted them to know they would tell them.

I'm NC with my sister. I would be horrified if she tried to contact me hearing i was going to die. I wouldn't talk with her anyway, would expressly not want her at my funeral, and would be livid that I had to deal with her in my last few weeks/ months. Absolutely livid. I would tell my siblings, but that's different because they are NC too.

But for me, absolutely not. We stopped speaking for a very good reason. If the tables were turned and she were very ill, I wouldn't contact her either...I don't think she'd want to contend with me either. If she did, she'd have contacted me. If she did contact me, I'd be sympathetic of course, but it wouldn't reignite any relationship.

B needs to tread very carefully. It does to an extent possibly depend on If they had a huge row, or simply dropped contact but I assume the former.

Horrible situation for B. :/

DH and I had a falling out with his family years ago and NC since. Not a problem for us, with all that drama gone from our lives. I'd be furious if someone told any of them that I was terminally ill - they're the last people I'd want to see if I was sick. As for DH, his family - his decision. If he asked me not to contact them, I wouldn't go against his wishes.

But I do feel for the sibling in the middle and if that was me, I'd wait until a diagnosis had been confirmed and then ask if I could tell the other sibling and explain that I didn't want to be caught in the middle of their argument.

I think a should tell b.

In a very cold viewpoint, the backlash from b not being told is going to last longer than the backlash from c if b is told, as c is terminal. So b is going to be around longer to have a spoilt relationship with.

Not great being A but then hard before this scenario occurred . I only have 1 sibling who I love dearly but they are exasperating at times.

I would respect C's wishes for now but tell them they are placing you in a difficult position but that you will for now honour their wishes. I would wait to see what the new tests indicate before I went any further .