AIBU to ask what is the right thing to do - sibling feud?

[RealMermaid]

I'm none of the three people in this story but I am close to them and would like to get a reading on what people think is the right thing to do.

3 siblings - A, B, and C. All three live a long way apart from each other. For a number of years, B and C have not been on speaking terms. A and B are fairly close, A and C are not close but do vaguely keep in touch.

C tells A they have a terminal diagnosis. Don't know how long they have left, but it should become clearer after some further tests very soon. C tells A they don't want B to know. A is concerned that when B does eventually find out, it will seriously impact their relationship if they find out A knew and didn't tell them.

What is the right thing to do?

YABU - it's C's news, so their wishes should be respected. Don't tell B.
YANBU - A should tell B and give them the chance to patch things up while it's still possible.

I'm surprised by all the comments saying to tell B because they might want to mend the relationship. Why is what B might want more important than what C does want ?

We don't know why they're NC. For all we know B might have done something unspeakable to C.

A is in an uncomfortable situation but... imagine you're dying. Wouldn't you want to talk to the sibling you still have a relationship with ? I don't think C set out to ruin A and B's relationship. They probably think that what they choose to share with A has nothing to do with B.

If A is uncomfortable being in this situation they should open up to C about it, but not break their confidence against their wishes.

The poor sister stuck in the middle of all this! I feel for her.

She shouldn't be asked to keep this a secret. Whether or not the other two sisters patch it up on the basis of this diagnosis is irrelevant. Its putting her in a completely unfair situation.

If C has expressly said not to pass information on, then A can't. Currently although C has stated the diagnosis is terminal- information seems to be sparse. Why did B & C fall out? Would C (or B) want to reconcile, juts because C might be dying? Doesn't sound as if anyone is that close emotionally or physically to C- is this due to C's past behaviour? It's a tough situation for A- but A has been asked not to divulge. I'd wait for further Information, and have A again ask C is B can be apprised of the situation, with contact ( if any is even offered/ wanted) decided by C and B themselves.

Of course you/A should respect C's wishes.
Do you (or A) even know why B & C don't speak?

I am NC with my brother because he raped me.
I would not want some interfering twat trying to engineer some sort of deathbed reconciliation to enable him to feel better about it.

YABU - it's C's news, so their wishes should be respected. Don't tell B.

A could suggest to B to notify C, once they have full Diagnosis/Prognosis. Ultimately, it is C's personal, medical information and no one has a right or privilege to share it, as uncomfortable as it might make A feel.

If I were dying, and didn't have a cordial relationship with a sibling, i would not appreciate a last days/deathbed contact or visit from them. I would wish for my final days to be as happy, stress free and enjoyable as possible. Not for some interfering busybody to lob a metaphorical grenade into the midst of my final
Days.

A is concerned that when B does eventually find out, it will seriously impact their relationship if they find out A knew and didn't tell them

Aaah, boo xxxxxxxx hoo. Poor A, never mind that C is dying. If B is that miserable and petty better not to have relationship with them anyway.
How could you live with risking messing with C's last weeks on the planet. Do what C wants.

@housemdwaswrong

I'm NC with my sister. I would be horrified if she tried to contact me hearing i was going to die. I wouldn't talk with her anyway, would expressly not want her at my funeral, and would be livid that I had to deal with her in my last few weeks/ months. Absolutely livid. I would tell my siblings, but that's different because they are NC too.

But for me, absolutely not. We stopped speaking for a very good reason. If the tables were turned and she were very ill, I wouldn't contact her either...I don't think she'd want to contend with me either. If she did, she'd have contacted me. If she did contact me, I'd be sympathetic of course, but it wouldn't reignite any relationship.

B needs to tread very carefully. It does to an extent possibly depend on If they had a huge row, or simply dropped contact but I assume the former.

Horrible situation for B. :/

100 times this.

This is the reality of NC and why it’s not something to be undertaken lightly. It’s not a stance of ‘let your grievances be known throughout someone’s life, then ride in when they’re dying to assuage your guilt and soothe your conscience so you can think in rosy terms about your deathbed reconciliation’. I’m NC with a sibling. The reasons for this are multiple but in a nutshell she was an extremely destructive and toxic force in my life and my life is immeasurably better without her in it. If I had news that I was terminally ill, I would not want her next nor near me and I would be furious with anyone who tried to engineer a reconciliation. Similarly, if she was ill, I would think it very hypocritical of myself to swoop in with apologies and a wish to reconcile, having cut her out of my life 10 years ago.

C’s wishes need to be upheld now. This is not about A and absolutely not about B.

I'm shocked to read what PPs are posting

C and B are no contact

C has told A in confidence about terminal diagnosis

A has no right to tell anyone anything and absolutely not B

It's not about A's feelings or how B might later feel when s/he finds out , even if after death- nothing is about them.

It's all about C spending his/her time where and how she wants, including who C tells . It's her private information, she has little control over anything right now and it is deeply personal

I work in palliative care. Her team will have talked with her about who she wants to tell. If she's decided not to tell a sibling, there will be good reason - because it's not what is best for her

I'm guess A is OP or OP's friend
OP / friend - please don't breach C's trust

If this was medical staff involved, nobody would tell B as it'd be legal and ethical breach to do so - enough to lose your career as that's how serious it is

Yabu

Also , you're none of people involved and C has told A in confidence abouit her / his terminal diagnosis

You're not a professional as you wouldn't be posting on MN about it and you'd know it isn't ethical for A to breach Cs confidence

You must be a friend , or you're the partner to A . Only A has the information and A should be very careful as s/he is already telling others

Why should B get a chance to patch things up? If they are not on talking terms then B shouldn’t get to know.

I have no idea!!

I’d probably wait until such a time that C was really quite sick and if they hadn’t told, I would tell in the hope they could be some closure.

If I was A I would ask permission . If it’s denied then I would not break C’s confidentiality .

@justanotherneighinparadise

I have no idea!!

I’d probably wait until such a time that C was really quite sick and if they hadn’t told, I would tell in the hope they could be some closure.

Why would you explicitly go against C’s wishes in their final weeks/days? What gives you the right to do that?

As hard as it will be for A they really should keep C's confidence, even if C was the one in the wrong for falling out in the first place.

I myself am NC with my siblings and id be furious if i was C and then had to deal with any of them in my final months, it would cause extra stress which I wouldn't need at such a time

The fact that C will be dead and if I cared about B and C I’d hope to have afforded both of them the chance of reconciliation.

Having said that we really don’t know the ins and outs of why they don’t talk. If there’s a bloody good reason and C hates the bones of B then I’d probably leave well alone.

All this stuff is extremely nuanced and we don’t have enough detail to really comment.

The fact that C will be dead and if I cared about B and C I’d hope to have afforded both of them the chance of reconciliation

But C clearly doesn’t want that, and in any event, it’s not up to you to ‘afford’ them that chance.
It’s such blatant disrespect for C, and the idea of telling B when C is very close to the end and perhaps less able to articulately state their case and control their situation is utterly despicable.

I have no relationship with my sister. I made a brief rapprochement after 10+ years a couple of years ago, and it lasted less than a year. In C's shoes, I would not want my sister told anything, and I would be beyond furious if my brother told her. I do not want to reconcile with her, I do not want the stress of dealing with her, I do not want her at my funeral (and have left specific instructions on that matter), and she gains nothing from my will. It is not up to anyone else to decide that for me, or to think they know better.

If someone wants to make up on past relationships, then it should not take a terminal illness to prompt that; and frankly, it seems to me that anyone who does so is doing it more for their own benefit than for that of the dying person.

^ absolutely. It seems there’s a lot of hand-wringing and “oh I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t” type thinking, despite merrily ignoring the fact they haven’t been chairing peace talks in the times both parties are well, and have been well able to live with themselves then. Foisting their attitudes on someone who is dying is an awful thing to do.

I am NC with a sibling. If I were C I’d be furious if my medical information was passed to someone I don’t speak to. If I were B (which for all I know I actually am!) I’d understand that in keeping quiet A is respecting C’s wishes.

People generally don’t go NC with close relatives without good reason. It is a decision made over a long period of time, usually with various attempts at “just getting along” for the sake of other family members. It is sad when you realise that having a sibling in your life is harmful to you, and (for me at least) later becomes a feeling of relief that you’ll never again have to deal with all the crap they throw. It is monumentally unfair to take that peace of mind away from C when she has a terminal illness.

@sammylady37

The fact that C will be dead and if I cared about B and C I’d hope to have afforded both of them the chance of reconciliation

But C clearly doesn’t want that, and in any event, it’s not up to you to ‘afford’ them that chance.
It’s such blatant disrespect for C, and the idea of telling B when C is very close to the end and perhaps less able to articulately state their case and control their situation is utterly despicable.

You seem awfully invested in my opinion @sammylady37

I’m both awfully flattered and equally intrigued as to why 🤔

This exact situation happened in my family a few months ago...I actually wondered for a minute whether this thread was from back then and it was a family member posting.

Anyway, in my family's case A was my mum. C (brother) told her not to tell B (sister) about his camcer diagnosis. She respected his wishes until it became clear that he only had weeks to live, and then told him that he had to tell their sister. Sister was upset at first that she hadn't been told but immediately went to see their brother. All the arguments of the past have been forgotten and they have been in regular contact ever since (brother is still alive).

This is like the circles of grief analysis: this is Cs pain and illness and their right to control who and how is told. A should not tell others and if A cannot manage that then they will need to ask C to not tell them any more. I think breaking the wishes of a dying person is pretty cruel.

Not you in particular, as you can see I’ve replied to others on-thread too, so no particular need for the flattery or intrigue. But I am invested in this discussion- if you look back at my posts on the thread you’ll see that I’m NC with a sibling, and the thought that another family member may meddle and interfere despite my clearly articulated wishes is both infuriating and abhorrent to me. It’s not something I would do to someone I loved and I’m trying to see what reasons people give for it and then challenge them to think about reasons why they should not interfere.

^my post was in response to @justanotherneighinparadise, the quote didn’t work.

@ChloeCrocodile

I am NC with a sibling. If I were C I’d be furious if my medical information was passed to someone I don’t speak to. If I were B (which for all I know I actually am!) I’d understand that in keeping quiet A is respecting C’s wishes.

People generally don’t go NC with close relatives without good reason. It is a decision made over a long period of time, usually with various attempts at “just getting along” for the sake of other family members. It is sad when you realise that having a sibling in your life is harmful to you, and (for me at least) later becomes a feeling of relief that you’ll never again have to deal with all the crap they throw. It is monumentally unfair to take that peace of mind away from C when she has a terminal illness.

Absolutely. For me, nothing good could come from having my sibling in my life. She has brought nothing but poison, toxicity and damage to it. The psychological freedom I got once I went NC was indescribable and I would be devastated and furious if some meddlesome person jeopardised that in my final months/weeks/days.