AIBU to ask what is the right thing to do - sibling feud?

[RealMermaid]

I'm none of the three people in this story but I am close to them and would like to get a reading on what people think is the right thing to do.

3 siblings - A, B, and C. All three live a long way apart from each other. For a number of years, B and C have not been on speaking terms. A and B are fairly close, A and C are not close but do vaguely keep in touch.

C tells A they have a terminal diagnosis. Don't know how long they have left, but it should become clearer after some further tests very soon. C tells A they don't want B to know. A is concerned that when B does eventually find out, it will seriously impact their relationship if they find out A knew and didn't tell them.

What is the right thing to do?

YABU - it's C's news, so their wishes should be respected. Don't tell B.
YANBU - A should tell B and give them the chance to patch things up while it's still possible.

If I was A, I would tell C that I couldn’t keep this secret and that I was going to tell B.

Unless, the cause of the fall out between B&C was something utterly horrific like abuse. If it was something like this I would respect their wishes but if it’s just standard family drama/bullshit I would break confidence.

NCC means just that. It's not NC unless you're really I'll, its NC at all. A needs to own the decisions they made. I say this as a person estranged from my sister. I would not want her to know and would hate her to get in touch in that situation. If she doesn't care to be in touch normally then I don't want her to be in touch when I'm dieing as that's not real. It would be truly awful not to listen to C right now.

@Incrediblytired

If I was A, I would tell C that I couldn’t keep this secret and that I was going to tell B.

Unless, the cause of the fall out between B&C was something utterly horrific like abuse. If it was something like this I would respect their wishes but if it’s just standard family drama/bullshit I would break confidence.

Do you normally wade into other peoples lives and override their decisions or is it only when they’re dying that you think they lose autonomy and that your wishes should supersede theirs?

@sammylady37

So dramatic.

Of course I don’t but OP has asked for opinions and that’s mine. People further up the thread have cited huge family quarrels being resolved following terminal diagnosis, there is a potential that could happen here. Or it might not and B & C might never speak again in which case nothing is lost.

Frankly if my brother told me he was going to die but not to tell my sister because of some minor quarrel, I would probably tell her and hope the two of them sorted it out.

Dying doesn’t give you the right to make the lives of those who survive you unhappy.

This actually happened in my family - one of my parents was kept in the dark about their sibling being terminally ill and only told after the funeral. This happened many years ago now and they've never, ever gotten over it or forgiven the sibling that kept it from them even after the death.

Their relationship was obviously not a great one but it was not abusive, they just didn't get on.

I don't know what the answer is as the sibling caught in the middle is just in an impossible position, but I do know the lasting hurt and pain this exact situation caused in my own family and if anything could have been done to mitigate it before it was too late, it would have saved literally decades of pain and sadness.

[quote Incrediblytired]@sammylady37

So dramatic.

Of course I don’t but OP has asked for opinions and that’s mine. People further up the thread have cited huge family quarrels being resolved following terminal diagnosis, there is a potential that could happen here. Or it might not and B & C might never speak again in which case nothing is lost.

Frankly if my brother told me he was going to die but not to tell my sister because of some minor quarrel, I would probably tell her and hope the two of them sorted it out.

Dying doesn’t give you the right to make the lives of those who survive you unhappy.[/quote]
I don’t see what’s ‘so dramatic’ about my post. You’ve openly said you would disregard someone’s clearly expressed wishes because in a nutshell, you think you know better. And I’m wondering if that’s your approach in general or is it reserved for this specific situation.

And yes, people up thread have cited huge family divisions being healed. But far more people have categorically said that the unwanted appearance of the NC family member in their final months/weeks/days would make them distressed, upset and angry.

You mention a ‘minor quarrel’ - but as many, many people have posted, going NC is generally not done after a minor quarrel but rather after a long time of suffering, hurt, ill-feeling and pretty major rifts. Particularly with a parent or sibling. It’s not something done on a whim, people give it great thought.

And wrt your last line, equally the fact that someone else is dying doesn’t give you the right to blatantly disregard their wishes and do something they’ve explicitly asked you not to do.

Dying doesn’t give you the right to make the lives of those who survive you unhappy.

If B and C are NC and B holds it against A if C dies without their confidence having been broken, then it is not B who is responsible for any subsequent problems between A and C. I think it's a bit mean to expect them to shoulder that responsibility in their last days/ weeks/ months.

You say 'nothing is lost' but that seems a bit short-sighted as potentially B's trust with their remaining sibling is lost. Personally I think it's bang out of order to break a confidence like this and I would be hugely disappointed in anyone who thought so little of me that they'd do that to me.

I don't think @sammylady37 was being dramatic. I think it is much more dramatic to do what you're suggesting TBH.

It's not simply about breaking someone's confidence/confidentiality. C has shared that news with A. On that basis C has lost some of the control they had over that information and A has the right to share that information as well. Of course A should try and respect C's wishes, but if it would cause them to be alienated from a sibling then I'd understand them going against it. C doesn't have the right to dictate what A does or does not do unfortunately. C had the choice to share or not with A. They chose to share and expressed a preference as to who A should tell. A isn't bound by it.
In A's shoes I'd explain it wouldn't be realistic for me not to share that information and ask C to share with B if possible first.

@Malysh

I'm surprised by all the comments saying to tell B because they might want to mend the relationship. Why is what B might want more important than what C does want ?

We don't know why they're NC. For all we know B might have done something unspeakable to C.

A is in an uncomfortable situation but... imagine you're dying. Wouldn't you want to talk to the sibling you still have a relationship with ? I don't think C set out to ruin A and B's relationship. They probably think that what they choose to share with A has nothing to do with B.

If A is uncomfortable being in this situation they should open up to C about it, but not break their confidence against their wishes.

I agree with this absolutely. If B or C were interested in a reconciliation they would have done it already and if B falls out with A over it that may go some way to explain why B and C don't speak.

C is dying. At least give them their death wish to not tell B they’re dying. It’s their death, no one else’s and so a should not tell b.

I am astonished (well actually, on second thoughts, this is Mumsnet where people are hung for not being able to wear a mask) at the number of people who think it is up to them to decide what is, or is not, a good reason to go NC. Ignoring the wishes of a dying person because you know better is appalling. If my brother spoke to my sister about my business, and I found out, then he would be NC with her. And if my sister blamed him for adhering to my clearly stated wishes, and wishes that she is well aware of, then that would simply be further evidence of the reason why I have nothing to do with her.

It’s also not overly fair of B to put A in this position. They didn’t ask to be told and compelled to secrecy.

As I said, each to their own. That’s my opinion.

Frankly if my brother told me he was going to die but not to tell my sister because of some minor quarrel, I would probably tell her and hope the two of them sorted it out.

How the fuck do you know it's "some minor quarrel"? You'd just do your utmost to ensure stress and unpleasantness for someone (whom you presumably claim to love) throughout the last few weeks of their life.
Some people are so unbelievably selfish and entitled.

Well if you are the sibling you know the background. As I said, if it’s a minor quarrel then I probably would tell them rather than eternal bad feeling and regret but I did also say if it was something horrendous or abusive then I wouldn’t.

I would talk to the dying sibling about it before hand though and try to explore the issues with them to see if they’d have a rethink or agree to me telling them and being a mediator of anything either wanted to say to the other.

Thanks so much to everyone who's responded, I really do appreciate people taking the time to give their opinions, as it's such a difficult situation and it's helpful to hear from all sides. I'm not going to answer all the questions or get too far into specifics, because I purposely don't want this to be identifiable for the people involved (for obvious reasons). I will say that I am none of the 3 siblings involved, and no confidence has been broken in telling me about it.

I think part of the issue is that A is understandably upset at the news and I can see it's going to be difficult for A to interact "as usual" with B, without it becoming very clear that something is wrong - at which point obviously they would have to actively lie about why they're upset. A can defer contact in the short term but only for a week or two realistically before B would start asking questions. I know in that situation I personally would feel very uncomfortable at having to actually lie, as opposed to just not mentioning something. In the short term, while more results are awaited, I think A is just planning to defer seeing B for a bit and hope to persuade C to let B know. Fingers crossed C agrees as that's the easiest way out for A.

B and C don't talk due to the usual family drama type stuff - things that seem insignificant if you're not the people involved. No massive issue or history of abuse etc., they're just very different people who don't really get on. They live a long way apart, so between that and Covid there's no chance that B would turn up on C's doorstep or anything like that.

Funny how the peacemakers haven’t been trying to intervene all along when everyone is well and healthy, and they only try ‘mediate’ when someone is dying. It’s almost like they want the drama of being the one to orchestrate a deathbed reconciliation 🤷‍♀️ . Anyone in the saga could die at anytime but despite this knowledge they don’t seem to be ‘unable to live’ with themselves without trying to sort things out.

I can't see why B would fall out with A over respecting someone's wishes. DH's oldest sister had terminal cancer, asked other sibling (sister) not to tell DH 'because I can't handle him being upset' - and they had had always had a rather prickly relationship). DH totally understood both his sisters' actions and it did not affect the survivors' relationship at all. He did spend a short time with eldest sister before her death.

I've known people make peace with others at the end of their life, as you've said their is-"No massive issue or history of abuse etc".

I'm a firm believer in 'that's not my secret to tell'.

If someone tells me something in confidence, I won't tell anyone, end of story. If there's a compelling reason to tell someone, I'd go to the person first to explain and check if it's okay to say something.

Also, as someone who is NC with a close family member for very good reasons, I have to say I'd be devastated if someone went and told that person personal information that I had specifically asked not to be shared.

YABU....If I was C I would cut off contact with both A @ B if the one told

It's C's news and they can choose who is is shared with.
It is a hard position for A to be put in.
But if A breaks C's confidence then A should expect that C may not share anything else with them.

• A mentions more tests
• C is in midst of this tremendous - END OF LIFE- rollercoaster
•It is Cs medical diagnosis
• A cannot -MUST NOT- share it against Cs wishes , it would be unethical and morally repugnant to do so .

•OPs latest comment again is all about A
•A is not important in who decides what is shared- C is
•This is not As private deeply personal information about A's life, it's C's- Cs medical diagnosis

•All of OPs comments are about A having their own personal selfish reasons for telling B (Cs confidential medical diagnosis) don't want to lie/ feel bad/ Uncomfortable .
•How terrible to feel awkward...
•...Compared to breaking trust and breaching strongly expressed wishes of a dying loved one , who wants to at least control who knows his/her diagnosis & when they are told, in their last weeks /months, where they otherwise have little control.

By all means ask C if maybe it's time to tell others including B, but only once and gently, time it right and don't pressure

I would guess OP is connected to A in someway or family member (parent?)

I strongly advise you use your influence to make sure A does not to do this to C , but instead keeps their trust. C may come round themselves to telling B or asking for news to be passed on

You are worried about A feeling awkward around B and impact of that ?
•Try considering how C will feel at end of their life knowing A did this to them when they said not to
•Try considering how A will feel if their dying sibling C gets distressed, very angry and refuses to see them again, falling out at the end because of it? That's irreversible

Several PPs have told you they would cut A off if they were C if the told B having been told not to - I'm telling you this happens . And for C it would be a devastating blow from A- Control of who knows you are dying, at the end is far more important than you realise