“Don’t get married if you’re a financially independent woman”.

[Lucidas]

Is this the advice we should be giving to young women? I have a female friend who is convinced of this - going through a divorce at the moment and she is aggrieved at having to lose a big chunk of her earnings - held down a full time job as a mother, still covered the majority of child rearing, is the higher earner and with a layabout husband.

Women are often told to get married for ‘protection’ but surely it’s no protection to get married to a lower earner, someone with fewer assets, or one of the many cocklodger specimens we come across on MN.

The response could be to say that she simply married the wrong person, but it’s not always apparent how people will change down the line.

and financially independent men?

@Fr0thandBubble - your relationship with your dh doesn’t sound great, tbh - so much resentment there! With a better dh, you might change your opinion on what is to be gained if, after years of being the main breadwinner, you got unlucky and suffered permanent harm to your health/developed a degenerative condition/were made redundant at the sort of age when it’s hard to convince a new employer to take you on and could no longer earn any money from employment/lost all your personal savings in an unfortunate investment/through fraud, etc, etc, as you would then be more reliant on him.

If you have your own assets and want to marry/buy a house with someone, you can buy as "tenants in common". This is done via a solicitor. This separates yours and your partners initial investments. For example: You meet someone and decide to buy a house together. You have £10k cash he has £5k cash ( scale up as in my case you have £300k cash he has £50K cash). You put £15k as deposit ( or £350k ) jointly. Buying as Tenants in common . This buying as tenants in common protects your initial investment. If you separate, you get back your initial investment plus half ( subject to circumstance ) of shared equity. A solicitor must do this. You can also " ring fence" said funds for your children should you die. This is also done at Land Registry level.

Should i die today, my initial investment is secure and handed directly to my DC's upon sale. If my current partner re married and his new wife moved in here and then he died, my investment is still standing, his marriage does not override this. So, if my partners new wife thought she would be inheriting £650k worth of property she will be sorely surprised ,as even dead , i have a charge on this property , at Land registry level, in favour of my sons. I also have a fierce Power of Attorney appointed. I did this a few yrs now and it cost well over £1k, but worth it. My 2 ex husbands have now done same in favour of our shared children and for the benefit of our children , as of this date. Women they meet are not willing to commit to them when they realise that the properties they see my exes have now , will never fully be theirs. It is sad, as they are good and decent men and great fathers who were just not right for me.
They can invest a lot in a home, just what they bring as of todays date, into the relationship, is already secured for their existing children. Any future finances they accrue together as a new couple to be shared equally. It seems this is not acceptable to their new relationships. Despite the fact my exes both have new, smaller deposits available for a new independent homes,good jobs and kind men.

There are ways you can protect your money, being married / or partnered will not allow anyone to take from your initial investment, only jointly accrued equity.

That said i am not married anymore and never will. I own my house as tenants in common and my initial investment ( which basically paid for the property) is secure and untouchable. My initial investment is safe,only joint equity accrued from DOP is available for division ,should we separate. I only have my two DC's and will have no more. My 2 DC's are aware of the possible financial impact of divorce. They do not want the financial impact in their adults lives, both will only ever buy as Tenants in Common. I am hoping their future partners will have their own assets and happy to buy/build a life as tenants in common too!

My exes and i have all come from good decent but very poor families. We have achieved wealth by hard work, education and sheer determination since the late 80's. We have done this for our sons. Our sons will solely benefit from all our efforts. It will not be shared. We have not done all this to hand over to possible new spouses. This money has raised our children and this money will now secure our children's future and our grandchildren's education. This is a legacy we are leaving.

@TheNortherner I think unfortunately the facts about marriage and how they affect anyone entering into it are not well publicised. I had a deed of trust, little did I realise that went out of the window on marriage. Also people saying about how their children's money is protected, as far as i can work out, it only takes a judge to set a precedent in how the law is interpreted which may happen years after any documentation you draw up and carefully thought out plans are irrelevant.

Sorry to hear of your experience. I have no experience of " deed of trust". I did however purchase properties under" tenants in common "and i have been well protected. My children's inheritance is also well protected and secure.

@CHiPS1971
You may want to check what the document is called that you declared your percentages as tenants in common in

How many threads have there been on here over the years where a women is upset that her DP has asked for a prenup, or wanted to ring fence the house he has paid into for 15 years or whatever and how many times have people advised that he is being a skinflint and that he clearly does not truely love you as he would not be entertaining such ideas in the first place as he future planning a break up.

How many times have I read on here a woman saying "well we've agreed I'll give up work because my wage won't cover childcare".
And they get plenty of cheerleaders here telling them that they are online small for such a short time.

@choli

How many times have I read on here a woman saying "well we've agreed I'll give up work because my wage won't cover childcare". And they get plenty of cheerleaders here telling them that they are online small for such a short time.

Well, it is true that children are only small and vulnerable for a short time. This thread is a bit like the arguments over how to deal with the pandemic - it highlights how a society can fall down if it only values what it can monetise.