Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

I'm devastated by brothers actions

68 replies

Opinionator · 23/11/2020 21:09

Just to give a warning before you read on, some people might find this very upsetting.

My brother and I have been close since we were children. We grew up separately due to being in different foster homes. Our lives took different directions, but we still remained close. I have a more sensible head on me, whereas my brother went off the rails.

Last night we were talking on WhatsApp and he admitted to me that, in the past, he sold heroin to pregnant women. I'm absolutely devastated. I love him so much, but I don't know how I can ever look him in the eye again to be honest.

When I tried to find out why he done it he said that he needed money, and that the people buying the heroin "were scum anyway". I told him that their babies weren't scum and his response was "they would have turned into scum".

I actually feel sick knowing that I could be related to someone who would do something like that. I'm crying as I'm writing this, those poor babies.

Would you turn your back on him, or would you try to help him sort his life out?

OP posts:

SummerHouse · 23/11/2020 21:15

He sounds very, very messed up with denial as a coping mechanism. Was / is he an addict? Not sure you can help him, but if it was me, I would try.

PhlegmyHead · 23/11/2020 21:17

I think the mothers hold far more responsibility here than your brother

NancysDream · 23/11/2020 21:17

I would be able to forgive his actions more easily than his attitude about them. A lot of people fuck up, but his lack of empathy is concerning

Original poster

Opinionator · 23/11/2020 21:18

Thank you.

I'm not sure he was ever addicted to heroin, but I know he has taken all sorts of drugs before.

There was a period when he became very thin and we did wonder whether or not it was a drug addiction, but never found out.

OP posts:

CareBear50 · 23/11/2020 21:19

Sounds like your brother needs more of a gentle guiding loving hand?

GlummyMcGlummerson · 23/11/2020 21:22

He sounds awful I'm not surprised you're upset

ViciousJackdaw · 23/11/2020 21:28

If it wasn't your brother, it would have been someone else. The women concerned would have bought heroin from somewhere, such is the strength of addiction's grip.

I find it curious that your only concern is for the 'babies'. The women buying the heroin were not incubators. They were people too, unable to fight addiction and maybe even unable to access drug services. Nobody wakes up in the morning and thinks 'Ooh I know, I'll become a smackhead' - it usually happens when someone is offered the drug during a moment of distress or pain. It washes everything away and makes them forget all about the shitty hand life has dealt them. Before too long, the damn stuff has taken over.

It is not your brother who is the problem. It is not the pregnant heroin addicts who are the problem. Blame lies with a society that drives people to seek escape and fails to help them when that escapism gets too much.

You can choose to help your brother, try and keep him on the straight and narrow and provide the type of loving family support that these pregnant women might not have had. Or you can focus on some random infants.

Lollypop701 · 23/11/2020 21:31

Sounds like he isn’t happy with it either, if he truly wasn’t bothered he wouldn’t care enough to mention it. Is he trying to push you away to punish himself? Prove he’s unlovable/a bastard etc. Or is this you finally seeing the person he is? Only you know op but try to be honest about this. Unfortunately those women would have accessed drugs whatever. An unpalatable and horrible truth

Hohofortherobbers · 23/11/2020 21:32

I'm not surprised you are upset, I would find this unforgivable

Cantdoitallperfectly · 23/11/2020 21:32

I listened to a podcast today about the widespread availability of drugs and how drug dealers will sell to anyone who’ll buy. The mother had a drug addiction. I do think that calling them scum is wrong and I would have an issue with that. I wouldn’t disown or cut him off but I would try to explain to him how shocking you find his attitude.

It’s possible he’s has so much exposure to that type of life that he’s become desensitised to it.

PurpleFrames · 23/11/2020 21:38

I spent some time in hospital with a pregnant heroin addict, she was one of the nicest people I've ever met. Extremely traumatised and taken advantage of. If the babies in particular are worrying you, I can speak on that they get excellent medical care even if sadly they are removed at birth into the care system.

I can understand how you feel about your brother, he is clearly deflecting to avoid looking at himself too hard. I guess this is a case of you love him but don't like him right now.

If you're interested in finding out more about addiction I recommend the podcast 'hooked' on BBC sounds.

MLMbotsgoaway · 23/11/2020 21:41

Did you already know that he sold heroin and it’s the “to pregnant women” that bothers you? If so, I sort of think YABU (although your heart is in the right place).

Wolfiefan · 23/11/2020 21:45

He’s a drug dealer. That’s why he did it.
I wouldn’t want that around me or my kids.

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/11/2020 21:46

The addicts would have bought it from somewhere and if they couldnt get heroin would have taken god alone knows what else that they could get their hands on.

I suspect he is trying to justify what he did in the face of your horror because he knows, deep down, that dealing to anyone is a shitty thing to do.

Is he still that person?

Is he working to turn his life around? Making the effort? Engaging with professional help? Then I would support him in turning his llife around. Support being the key word as only he can do it, but knowing you love him and are encouraging him will make all the difference.

If he is still off the rails and refusing to engage then no I wouldnt.

Mrsmadevans · 23/11/2020 21:48

I think your brother is in denial and probably feels really bad about it underneath.

FortunesFave · 23/11/2020 21:48

I think you're being quite weird thinking that someone who sold heroin would ever consider the pregnancy status of their customers. Selling heroin is wrong of course...but to think he might say "Oh no...not selling to you!" because someone's pregnant is beyond naive.

yawnsvillex · 23/11/2020 21:50

@CareBear50 is 100% right.

Elfieishere · 23/11/2020 21:52

@FortunesFave

Completely agree. It’s not his job to monitor who he sales the gear to.

Elfieishere · 23/11/2020 21:54

@Mrsmadevans

I think your brother is in denial and probably feels really bad about it underneath.

He’s saying the baby would turn into scum. He most likely believes that and doesn’t feel bad.

CovidAnni · 23/11/2020 21:55

It’s heartbreaking but from the other side the 2 heroin addicted women I knew had big bonny babies 8lb+, removed at birth, kinship foster care and now one (and possibly both) reunited with their mother. I’ve got a picture of one of them glowing and enormous on my phone in case I ever bump into her.

Didkdt · 23/11/2020 21:57

@Lollypop701

I think that this is quite likely. I mean how is that even crowbarred into a WA chat?

liveitwell · 23/11/2020 21:57

Sadly, if it wasn't your brother it would have been another dealer.

And if it wasn't heroin it would likely be another drug.

Has he stopped doing this now? If so, I think it's ok to accept he made a mistake and move on. Sounds like he's has a tough time.

Wheresmykimchi · 23/11/2020 22:01

@PhlegmyHead

I think the mothers hold far more responsibility here than your brother

FightingWithTheWind · 23/11/2020 22:02

Sadly, someone who is addicted to heroine isn't going to be deterred by 1 person refusing to sell to them, and drug dealers don't tend to have a brilliant moral compass. It is disturbing to think of the consequences of those actions, and heartbreaking to think of the babies who never had any chance or choice whatsoever, but who will suffer none the less.

Your brothers attitude is wrong, but I'm guessing he has had more than his fair share of crap in life to make him so messed up. (And of course not everyone who faces serious trauma/hardship will automatically end up in a bad place but it is definitely a contributing factor). I think he likely needs alot counselling but that would have to be his decision, and would be very hard to get if he can't afford private care (not many can).

Your brother is not solely at fault, yes it is devastating to think of those babies but they really didnt have a chance whether your brother had been there or not. Alot of drug dealers are often in a pretty desperate place themselves.

saraclara · 23/11/2020 22:03

Sounds as though you were both dealt a really rough hand in childhood/teenagerhood. It's far from unusual for someone with that kind of history to go off the rails and struggle with empathy.

You did well not to, and I totally understand your horror at his actions. But it sounds like he was pretty damaged at an impressionable age and hasn't been able to move past it.

I don't think I can advise you on what to do. Situations like this don't have one simple answer. Only you know if he's likely to be able to dig himself out of this with help.

Flip

1 2 3