I'm devastated by brothers actions

[Opinionator]

Just to give a warning before you read on, some people might find this very upsetting.

My brother and I have been close since we were children. We grew up separately due to being in different foster homes. Our lives took different directions, but we still remained close. I have a more sensible head on me, whereas my brother went off the rails.

Last night we were talking on WhatsApp and he admitted to me that, in the past, he sold heroin to pregnant women. I'm absolutely devastated. I love him so much, but I don't know how I can ever look him in the eye again to be honest.

When I tried to find out why he done it he said that he needed money, and that the people buying the heroin "were scum anyway". I told him that their babies weren't scum and his response was "they would have turned into scum".

I actually feel sick knowing that I could be related to someone who would do something like that. I'm crying as I'm writing this, those poor babies.

Would you turn your back on him, or would you try to help him sort his life out?

I think he is piling it on the guilt to you in a passive aggressive way as your life turned out differently.
That's not your fault. I don't know if you've been emotionally helping him for years but I suspect you have.
You both had a traumatic experience he dealt with it badly that isn't your responsibility.
Do you feel drained by him often.

OP - how would you feel if your sibling was one of those pregnant heroin addicts?

Would you turn your back on her, or help her sort her life out?

Drugs do appalling things to people.

As a few pp have said l doubt he sold sely to pregnant women or even specifically targeted them so something doesn't sit right with his 'confession' and maybe he is just trying to shock or drive you away.
Also agree with pp about your attitude not being brilliant to his alleged target buyers I. e. pregnant women.
Upon him saying they were scum your response was 'but their babies werent'. Which kind of sounds like you agreed with him about the mums being of little concern. As a pp said these women, if he really did sell to some pregnant women, were not incubators.

solely

Your brother sounds so broken and sad. I am so sorry for what you have both been through. I would not push him away over this.

He sounds really nasty OP.

How has he treated you over the years? Can he be volatile and destructive towards you? I would be concerned that someone like that might also have turned that nasty streak on you.

I suppose he has to justify what he did to himself and this 'logic' is his way of doing so.

How long ago was this? Do you know what he's doing with his life now?

He sounds bad news TBH.

I hate to be the one to break this to everyone...but just about the time you start buying or selling heroin your moral compass is so far removed from the norm you can’t even compare it anymore.

Trying to apply your rules of right or wrong just won’t work. If the brother got out of and has stayed out of that life, then just leave well enough alone and don’t ask questions about his former life. You won’t understand or approve of the answers you get.

Take him for who he his now and in the future.

Your brother is just one in a long line, the original drug owner at the top, then layers & layers of dealers who cut & deal the heroin down the line, he is probably as much a victim as the people he dealt to. I would want him to be honest with me, how did he get dragged in to being a dealer? Was it to fund his own habit? Was it because he owed a dealer? Was it because he was either too scared to say no or because he was threatened with what would happen if he said no? Until I knew the full picture including is he still using & dealing, I wouldn't make a decision on the question of cutting him out of my life, it could be he is clean & away from all that now or wants to be away from it. Have a long talk with him, tell him you need him to be completely honest with you & then make a decision, he may want your help to start over.

I think the fact that he sold them the heroin is forgivable. Sometimes people end up in very dark places and they do things because they are desperate and in denial. It's awful but it happens.

But what he's said about their baby's turning into scum is horrible. I would see someone very differently after that.

Here's hoping that he's said that out of shame for what he's done, and he doesn't really mean it.

I had absolutely no idea he was a drug dealer of any sort, never mind a heroin dealer. I knew he took different types of drugs on nights out, but I didn't know he was a drug dealer.

I have no idea if he is still that person, but his attitude towards it tells me not much has changed.

He might not be dealing drugs, but he still doesn't seem to think he has done much wrong. Either that, or he knows he has and is trying to justify it somehow.

I will say this though, I don't agree that "if they didn't get it from one person, they would have got it from another". The fact that drug dealers think this way is a huge part of the problem.

Sounds like he was in a shit place and addicted himself. Dont know how none of his family thought of finding out what was wrong with him.

I dont really think the women being pregnant has anything to do with it. He was dealing drugs, like many people do when they're in the shit. The pregnant women are going to buy it from somewhere, it's not his responsibility to police them. That's like being pissed off that ASDA sold your alcoholic pregnant sister vodka, not their problem.

Yes selling drugs is bad, doesn't sound like he was living the high life off it though, and selling to pregnant women is no different to selling to anyone else. Selling to children though I'd feel differently about, children aren't responsible for themselves, adult women are.

Nobody wakes up in the morning and thinks 'Ooh I know, I'll become a smackhead' - it usually happens when someone is offered the drug during a moment of distress or pain. It washes everything away and makes them forget all about the shitty hand life has dealt them. Before too long, the damn stuff has taken over.

I don't think it's true that people usually try drugs because they're distressed. I think most people try them for fun. Some of them subsequently get addicted.

While he does sound like a dickhead (or feels guilty and is minimising), it would be sexist to refuse to sell it to them if he is selling it to other people.

I doubt drug dealers are concerned about Equal Opportunities box-ticking!

Selling to children though I'd feel differently about, children aren't responsible for themselves, adult women are.

At what age is someone old enough to buy heroin? Eleven? Thirteen? Sixteen? (Serious question.)

Have you given any thought to why he would say this to you?

The mothers should have done the kind thing and just had abortions. They'll be shit at parenthood anyway.
As for your brother, I can understand how you must be feeling OP. His moral compass and sense of responsibility are skewed.

Interesting thread when a drug dealer is considered a victim!!

I'd be concerned about his attitude now. He cant recognise his part and insists a pregnant addict and an unborn child should be written off because they are quite obviously scum! That would be the issue for me not a roll my eyes and say if it wasnt you it would be someone else.

I’d judge him far more for his revolting contemptuous attitude towards the desperate people he profited from.