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Original poster

I'm devastated by brothers actions

68 replies

Opinionator · 23/11/2020 21:09

Just to give a warning before you read on, some people might find this very upsetting.

My brother and I have been close since we were children. We grew up separately due to being in different foster homes. Our lives took different directions, but we still remained close. I have a more sensible head on me, whereas my brother went off the rails.

Last night we were talking on WhatsApp and he admitted to me that, in the past, he sold heroin to pregnant women. I'm absolutely devastated. I love him so much, but I don't know how I can ever look him in the eye again to be honest.

When I tried to find out why he done it he said that he needed money, and that the people buying the heroin "were scum anyway". I told him that their babies weren't scum and his response was "they would have turned into scum".

I actually feel sick knowing that I could be related to someone who would do something like that. I'm crying as I'm writing this, those poor babies.

Would you turn your back on him, or would you try to help him sort his life out?

OP posts:
prapra · 23/11/2020 22:06

@FortunesFave

I think you're being quite weird thinking that someone who sold heroin would ever consider the pregnancy status of their customers. Selling heroin is wrong of course...but to think he might say "Oh no...not selling to you!" because someone's pregnant is beyond naive.
Agree, those women would buy it from someone else anyway

Your brother was probably in a horrible place then too

EmeraldShamrock · 23/11/2020 22:06

It sounds like he hates himself. He is pushing your buttons for a reaction it might be true he knows it would upset you.
He is probably bitterly lost it doesn't excuse his behaviour.
It is hard to support a family member like him. Flowers

Joeblack066 · 23/11/2020 22:06

Forgive. Support. Sounds like he needs you.

pinkdragons · 23/11/2020 22:08

Yes, I would turn my back on a remorseless heroin dealer.

But I wish you all the best.

MLMbotsgoaway · 23/11/2020 22:10

Also assuming there’s not a drop feed coming that he’s at the top of some huge organised crime group - he was most likely an addict himself.

ekidmxcl · 23/11/2020 22:12

I think that once you take the step to deal heroin, being choosy about your clients isn't really something that's going to happen.

Onthelowdown · 23/11/2020 22:15

As others have said, him not selling to pregnant women wouldn’t have prevented them from using. Even if it did, if rehab wasn’t an option, not sure cold turkey would be the safest option for an unborn child.

The lack of guilt is concerning, but could it be a defence mechanism?

MillyA · 23/11/2020 22:20

He has a nerve calling them scum.

I'm sorry you've found this out OP, I don't think I'd be able to look past it. If he was remorseful and felt terrible then that would be a good start, but his attitude even now is terrible.

I had a bad childhood/teenage years and never sold heroin to pregnant women, no matter how much I may have needed money.

NannyGythaOgg · 23/11/2020 22:22

If they are scum - he is bigger scum

HollowTalk · 23/11/2020 22:47

You're saying this as though he sought out pregnant women in order to sell them heroin. He was a dealer. He sold to whoever wanted it. If he wasn't addicted himself, that's even worse.

GeidiPrimes · 23/11/2020 22:53

I think it's his apparent lack of remorse that's most troubling. It's one thing to have a troubled past, but surely as an adult you reflect and have some kind of accountability with yourself about that.

smalalalalalala · 23/11/2020 23:00

@Mrsmadevans

I think your brother is in denial and probably feels really bad about it underneath.
He might feel really guilty, and to make ilhis actions looking 'less bad' to alleviate his conscious
MarthasGinYard · 23/11/2020 23:06

'When I tried to find out why he done it he said that he needed money, and that the people buying the heroin "were scum anyway". I told him that their babies weren't scum and his response was "they would have turned into scum".'

Zero remorse then

I couldn't personally have a relationship with someone who had this view.

I'd view them as 'scum'

OwlOne · 23/11/2020 23:08

That is very upsetting. Everybody wants their brother to be a better person than that.

That would be very disappointing to me too in your shoes OP. I'd question what the point of trying to build up a sibling relationship with somebody who has such a totally different set of values from your own.

You don't have to ''judge'' and I"m sure you're not because sounds like neither of you has had it easy but you don't have to push water uphill making this relationship valuable either.

saraclara · 23/11/2020 23:24

@GeidiPrimes

I think it's his apparent lack of remorse that's most troubling. It's one thing to have a troubled past, but surely as an adult you reflect and have some kind of accountability with yourself about that.
It doesn't really work like that. If you're damaged it's hard to have that sort of strength.

I dunno. I've come across people like this. And an extension of the conversation would typically end up like this:

OP: Jeeze, bro. You're better than that.
DB: No I'm not. You know I'm not. I'm fucking worthless.

An outsider looks at a drug dealer, and thinks they're scum. I wouldn't want them near my kids either. But they're also people who've been messed up by someone else. possibly another drug dealer.
They were little kids once.

It's no OP's job to fix him, and if he becomes a negative influence in her life she's going to need to protect herself. But there are organisations out there who might be able to help him (and consequently save others from his activities)

andweallsingalong · 23/11/2020 23:37
  1. From your description it sounds likely he was an addict himself and being a "runner" was how he paid for his drugs. Instead of shoplifting, violent crime or....
  2. The women were most likely already addicts choosing to buy.
  3. My understanding is that for an addicted mother its very important not to suddenly stop using heroin as going into withdrawal would be very bad, possibly fatal, for baby.
HeddaGarbled · 23/11/2020 23:48

Do you think it’s true, though? Sounds like an insecure young man trying to play the hard guy to me.

HannaYeah · 24/11/2020 00:17

I’m so very sorry. I hope you’ll seek out some help to deal with having a family member involved with using and dealing drugs. It’s just gut-wrenching.

This won’t be a great place to find support and understanding. You need people that know the pain of it.

I believe in prayer so I’ll say one for you and one for your brother. Please take care of yourself.

SleepingStandingUp · 24/11/2020 00:28

@HeddaGarbled

Do you think it’s true, though? Sounds like an insecure young man trying to play the hard guy to me.
I wondered if he was testing op, see of she'd still love him even if he claimed to do something awful. Which given his childhood, isn't that unreasonable a guess

Op I'd try to remember that if he did, whilst it's not ok, he didn't get poor pregnant women hooked into drugs and made them take it, he sold them something they'd have brought anyway. Not ok but also not all on him.

rosiejaune · 24/11/2020 00:34

While he does sound like a dickhead (or feels guilty and is minimising), it would be sexist to refuse to sell it to them if he is selling it to other people.

I don't drink at all (therefore didn't during pregnancy), but if someone else decides to, it isn't the right of the bartender to refuse to serve them.

HeddaGarbled · 24/11/2020 00:42

Yes, it’s the emotiveness of ‘pregnant women’ which makes me suspect he’s winding you up.

notangelinajolie · 24/11/2020 00:55

You say your brother wasn't addicted, therefore he was fully responsible for his actions and knew what he was doing. He could have said no, this is a bad thing to do. But he didn't. I would walk away.

theBelgranoSisters · 24/11/2020 00:57

In a perfect world these problems wouldnt exist, but thats not our world.
Free will dictates I can get myself in all kinds of trouble on any given day by making wrong choices..supply and demand will always be there-drugs/booze/sex etc. Not for me but im not going to condemn someone else.
I also had a challenging upbringing leading to homelessness as a teen..my siblings all ended up on drugs and alcoholics-big mental health problems. Getting into uni turned me around & I emigrated after Id graduated. Most of my family are now dead: I really empathise and would say try to forgive-life is just easier if you can let go. People handle difficult situations in different ways, right or wrong.

Luciferthecat666 · 24/11/2020 00:58

@rosiejaune are you serious? I highly doubt that thought enters a drug dealers mind Hmm. I would imagine the only thing that entered their mind was making money and probably funding their own drug use (if they do use themselves). Its easy money to them.

@Opinionator I can kind of understand how you're feeling. It's a horrible feeling when you learn someone you love has done some really fucked up things in life. It totally changes your perception of them as the person you know/think they are and its very hard to accept how someone you love can do something bad

rosiejaune · 24/11/2020 01:00

[quote Luciferthecat666]@rosiejaune are you serious? I highly doubt that thought enters a drug dealers mind Hmm. I would imagine the only thing that entered their mind was making money and probably funding their own drug use (if they do use themselves). Its easy money to them.

@Opinionator I can kind of understand how you're feeling. It's a horrible feeling when you learn someone you love has done some really fucked up things in life. It totally changes your perception of them as the person you know/think they are and its very hard to accept how someone you love can do something bad[/quote]
I didn't say it entered his mind when he was dealing to them. I am saying the OP shouldn't object on those grounds, because it is infantilising women and treating them as incubators, which is sexist (never mind the practicalities others have mentioned).