AIBU to not accept this reason as fair?

[orangeslicesocks]

My sisters wedding got postponed to the end of April. My birthday is at the beginning of April. I don't mind one bit sharing my birthday month with my sisters wedding ~ why would I, the dates aren't even close?

I live with my partner but he will be away on my birthday (unless trip is cancelled). My mum was going to travel up to spend my birthday with me and I was soooo looking forward to it. She didn't want me to be alone. The trip is from England to Scotland and is a short plane ride.

My sister is very sensitive, especially about her wedding. My mum has just informed me that she will no longer be travelling up to see me for my birthday because now my sisters wedding is in April she doesn't want my birthday celebrations to overshadow the arrangements of my sisters wedding and upset my sister. My mum thinks the month of April should be about my sister. My mum thinks because her wedding was postponed I need to be more sensitive. I think the date of my birthday has nothing to do with my sisters wedding and this is not a fair reason for my mum not to travel up. I would take COVID as a reason but not celebrating my birthday just in case it upsets my sister?

I have told my mum there are many COVID reasons that may result in her not being able to come. But I am so hurt by the reason she has chosen not to celebrate my birthday. It feels as if my sister potentially getting upset is more important than me definitely getting upse.

My parters trip may not get cancelled so I may not be alone. But I am so hurt at her reasoning for not coming to visit me. She has also suggested that my sisters hen be on my birthday weekend (the day after my birthday and the weekend she was originally going to spend celebrating my birthday with me) and that my mum may have to travel on my birthday to help my sister with wedding arrangements.

My mum has now said that I can come and visit her and she will pay for my ticket but she isn't coming to visit me in case it upsets my sister.

AIBU?

This is fucking bonkers

@Sequoiadendrongiganteum

The thing is, once you grow up and leave home birthdays (with the exception of bigs ones... 21, 30, 40 etc) aren't seen as a big deal. A phone call and a card are pretty usual. I don't see this as a favouritism thing. I suspect your mum is expecting to be busy most weekends with wedding stuff, and just can't face adding a trip away, and flights into the mix. If your sister is high maintenance I can imagine she is a bit of a bridezilla and your mum is pretty stressed out.

Maybe show some understanding? Have your mum to visit another time when she has less on her plate. I mean that kindly. Sometimes we don't see our parents as individuals with their own lives and stresses to deal with. We are so used to them being there when we need them.

To you they might not be a big deal. Are you the birthday police? You've got no idea what birthdays mwanto different people.

Such a trite mumsnet line to trot out that birthdays are unimportant. Very unoriginal.

Your mum is an asshole; don't bother ever going out of your way for her again. Oh, was she expecting a christmas present? She can fuck off.

@orangeslicesocks I understand how you feel this has happened to me a few times and it hurts. Has your sister got form for this behaviour? To be honest it sounds to me like your mum walks on egg shells around your sister and her sensitivity and that's really not fair especially at the expense of your feelings. Do you usually have a good relationship with your mum? if so I'd speak to her in a couple of days about it and explain how its made you feel. And as for April being your sisters "wedding month" that's not how it works her and her husband to be get one day not a month your sister sounds high maintenance to be honest

Yes it is a shit excuse. But it’s not really for you to “accept” an excuse or not. Your mum owes you love and consideration, but not to always do what you want or to balance her decisions along set lines that you approve. Having 6 months notice that your mum won’t make your birthday one year, whatever the excuse, and seeing it as something to hold against her, rather than just understanding she feels a bit pulled and you should make other arrangements this once is kind of shitty of you.

Sounds like you and your sister are both competitive for your mum’s attention and she feels caught between you. Since it’s hard to see how it could have got to this stage without your mum indulging it and building it up (as she is with your sister, now) I think it’s your mum’s fault. But your best response is to rise above it, not play into the drama. If your mum constantly favours one of you, than annoyance is much more reasonable - but if that’s the case, let it go. Don’t think of her as someone you want to spend your birthday with. Put some distance into your relationship.

When thinking about your mum’s response you only seem to be considering her actions as they relate to you and your sister.

It’s quite possible your mum is more excited about a wedding (which isn’t that common, after all) for her own sake. That she wants to stay put for April because she will enjoy being available for the month and she’d like to indulge that this year since it’s not necessarily something that is ever going to happen again.

[quote orangeslicesocks]@Heyahun I agree with you. I was setting the scene because my mum keeps referring to April as my sisters wedding month[/quote]
Wedding Day. She gets a DAY.

@thevassal
😂
Oh pipe down with your in the real world. Your life and personal experiences arent synonymous with "the real world". Ignore thevassal OP!

I feel a bit sorry for your mum - she's bonkers pandering to either of you, but she has two prima donnas for daughters. If she has any sense she'll have a night out on her own.

@NeonIcedcoffee
You think its acceptable for a 24 year old to "accept or not accept" her mothers reasoning for not travelling up the country one year to celebrate her "special day"? The whole tone of the OP sounds entitled. Like kids persisting, into adulthood, in believing that their parents sole reason for being is to cater to them.

OP why dont you go down to see your mum for your birthday instead of her coming to you? If she has wedding planning going on this would probably make life easier for her.

It's not normal to expect your mother to come and spend your birthday with you.
Its lovely if it happens, but it's not a birth right or anything.

I am really struggling to understand why you're arranging all this ahead of time. It wouldn't occur to me to start investigating whether my partner or mother was available for my birthday a half year ahead of time.

I think you are asking your mum to fulfil a role your mates would normal play. Has it occurred to you that maybe your mum imagines she will be tired from organising stuff in April, and is using your sister as an excuse?

YABU.

The whole month of April has to be about your sister and her wedding? What rubbish. Also, to organise the hen do on your birthday weekend is rubbish.

Can't you go and see your mum for your birthday, rather than her coming to you?

[quote CrotchBurn]@thevassal
😂
Oh pipe down with your in the real world. Your life and personal experiences arent synonymous with "the real world". Ignore thevassal OP![/quote]
I mean....I do live in "the real world" and in my "real world" people celebrate their birthdays....usually with their friends and family...there are whole industries based on this assumption so I don't think I'm unusual but perhaps your "real world" is different

Personally if dm and dsis are so disinterested in you I would be too busy celebrating my birthday encroaching over the entirety of April to attend The Wedding..

@orangeslicesocks I don’t think you sound ridiculous. I think you’re very entitled to be sad that your mum has essentially put your sister above you. I’m guessing growing up you were the easier child so probably as a result, got overlooked more while your sister acted up and got attention. Even in your 20s it’s the same.

@GoldfishParade

It's not normal to expect your mother to come and spend your birthday with you. Its lovely if it happens, but it's not a birth right or anything.

I am really struggling to understand why you're arranging all this ahead of time. It wouldn't occur to me to start investigating whether my partner or mother was available for my birthday a half year ahead of time.

I think you are asking your mum to fulfil a role your mates would normal play. Has it occurred to you that maybe your mum imagines she will be tired from organising stuff in April, and is using your sister as an excuse?

YABU.

I forgot in MN you aren't allowed to look forward to your birthday.

Too tired from organising a wedding to spend time with your daughter 😂

This might be outing but my sister got married ON my birthday. I didn't care one jot and it helps me remember her anniversary anyway!
I think it's a bit wierd for your sister to be so upset but I guess covid has messed up all her normal wedding plans so she's a bit stressed out about it all.

@stripyhoglets1 my sister got married on my birthday too so hopefully not as outing as you think hopefully for both of us! I wasn't bothered and it does help me remember her anniversary too!
I do think though that your mum is being weird as a wedding is one day not a whole month!

You need to tell your mum you are very upset and see what she says. Yanbu.

☹️

Why should you not expect your dm would want to see you on your birthday??
I tell my dc I should get gifts as I did the labour - they just showed up!!

I would feel a pretty rubbish dm if my dd didn't expect I would want to share her special day!!

How bizarre. I really think a lot of tension between siblings is created unnecessarily by parents.

Maybe your sister would surprise you both and not bat an eyelid. The fact that she isn't being given the opportunity to behave rationally tells me your mother has created the monster. And yes, you being upset is not a problem but precautions must be taken to avoid potentially upsetting your sister?

I'm not a big birthday person but I don't think that's the point here. You live far apart; she was going to come up for your birthday; her reason not to sucks.

Are you sure your mum hasn't just made up an excuse not to travel up to you? Does she get overwhelmed easily? Maybe she struggles with the idea of a trip away at a time when she might be busy?

Arf at birthday month and wedding month. What bonkers entitlement

Absolute bonkers!!!

But.... if you can all cancel everything during the month of June next year as it is all about MY wedding....

What a load of tosh, YANBU at all for feeling jaded and second best by this and your sister needs to grow up.

Wedding month? It's a day, yes the whole day should be about them but the world doesn't stop because they're getting married.

I'd speak to your mum because when does this stop, does April then become her anniversary month????