AIBU to not accept this reason as fair?

[orangeslicesocks]

My sisters wedding got postponed to the end of April. My birthday is at the beginning of April. I don't mind one bit sharing my birthday month with my sisters wedding ~ why would I, the dates aren't even close?

I live with my partner but he will be away on my birthday (unless trip is cancelled). My mum was going to travel up to spend my birthday with me and I was soooo looking forward to it. She didn't want me to be alone. The trip is from England to Scotland and is a short plane ride.

My sister is very sensitive, especially about her wedding. My mum has just informed me that she will no longer be travelling up to see me for my birthday because now my sisters wedding is in April she doesn't want my birthday celebrations to overshadow the arrangements of my sisters wedding and upset my sister. My mum thinks the month of April should be about my sister. My mum thinks because her wedding was postponed I need to be more sensitive. I think the date of my birthday has nothing to do with my sisters wedding and this is not a fair reason for my mum not to travel up. I would take COVID as a reason but not celebrating my birthday just in case it upsets my sister?

I have told my mum there are many COVID reasons that may result in her not being able to come. But I am so hurt by the reason she has chosen not to celebrate my birthday. It feels as if my sister potentially getting upset is more important than me definitely getting upse.

My parters trip may not get cancelled so I may not be alone. But I am so hurt at her reasoning for not coming to visit me. She has also suggested that my sisters hen be on my birthday weekend (the day after my birthday and the weekend she was originally going to spend celebrating my birthday with me) and that my mum may have to travel on my birthday to help my sister with wedding arrangements.

My mum has now said that I can come and visit her and she will pay for my ticket but she isn't coming to visit me in case it upsets my sister.

AIBU?

Like your sister, I had to cancel my wedding this year, but it didn't turn me or my mother into a massive dickhead.

I think you're all being a bit ridiculous.
Your sister for needing your mum for weeks before her wedding.
Your mum for being so easily talked out of a trip.
You for needing your mum on your birthday when you might not even be on your own.

Wedding month

you need to ask your mum why she thinks it's ok to upset you and is bending over backwards for the "sensitive" (as in: expects always to get her own way?) child.

then, basically, you have to suck it up. But you can let your mum and sister know that you see them with different eyes after this and won't be prioritising their feelings over your own.

Like your sister, I had to cancel my wedding this year, but it didn't turn me or my mother into a massive dickhead.

Im sorry to hear this... so many events affected by covid..

I hope you're able to reschedule 🌺

Yup that is absolutely bollocks. Let them both know how disgusted with them you are

That's disgusting behaviour on your mothers part

Tbh, I think you’re both being overly sensitive. You’re all grown ups. A birthday is pretty much just another day, unless it’s a big one.
Yes, your mum and sister are both being ridiculous, but the ‘if my partner isn’t here’ is also a wee bit sensitive.
Anyway. Who knows what life will be like in April. 🤷🏻‍♀️

That is absolute bullshit. You don’t own the week, month, yeat that you get married. I’m actually gobsmacked your mum has said this. My wedding is April 24th and my sister’s birthday is April 12th. It literally never crossed my mind that they were the same month and I’m sure it hasn’t hers or my mum’s either!!

OP, I can see where you are coming from, but you sound so immature. I'm sorry, but it's a birthday. Millions of people spend their birthday alone, especially this year FFS. I spent my 40th alone. It felt a bit shit since it was a big one but hardly worth getting in a tizz.
Your mum's reasoning is bollocks though. If she'd said I will be busy with helping your dsis with wedding prep, fair enough. But to not upset her as a reason is pathetic.

Your mom sounds like an enabler and your sister sounds like a brat. Cant celebrate your own birthday incase your tit of a sister starts blubbering that its not all about her. Bore off.

You all sound ridiculous and as daft as each other

Your sister is being Bridezilla but your mum is piggy in the middle between the two of you and is offering a reasonable compromise. There is no need for you to make this any more difficult for your mum than it already is. Be kind to your mum and don’t push this. It’s not important enough. Poor bloody woman having negotiate all this along with COVID and all the rest of this shitty year. Give her a break.

Talking as the voice of experience I would make it VERY clear to your mum that you are upset she is canceling on you for such a pathetic reason.

I have a thread in 'relationships' about a similar thing. Twenty years I've put up with my mother choosing my sister over me as 'she would be upset'. No - she'll have a tantrum and get over it. The hurt I've been caused time and again has caused me deep pain.

Honestly, make your feelings known on the matter now (and if she tells you how being pathetic point out that so is she.)

Is this the difference between growing up in a small family and in a big family? In a big family, someone frequently has their birthday overshadowed by something else - as long as it's not the same 'someone' every year it's not a big deal.

I can't imagine getting so hung up over it, good thing too as my 50th party was cancelled due to COVID - and I celebrated at home with my sons, and my celebrated I mean made my own meal and opened my presents which my DSIs had managed to arrange just prior to our lockdown.

It is what it is. Just treat yourself to something special for your birthday to make up for it being a quiet one.

Have you and your sister always fought for your mother's attention? This whole situation does sound a bit bonkers, tbh. Neither a birthday nor a wedding take up more than a day or two.

Does seeing your mother have to be on your birthday? Could you arrange something for the weekend before? Or is it that you just don't want to be alone on your birthday?

What is it about some people's weddings that makes them think everything else, and everybody else's arrangements must take second place?

You all sound ridiculous TBH!

I’ve just worked out (because of this post) that my eldest sister was married in the same month as my 17th birthday. It’s so irrelevant it wasn’t even mentioned!

Why the two of you are behaving like 6 year olds battling for your mum’s attention is almost as baffling as why your mum is allowing it.

Yabu, you only get married once, a lot has happened over the course of this year, you have a Birthday every year.

The month of April should be about the wedding

MN is competitive about not celebrating birthdays for adults so ignore some of the arsey comments OP. Whereas in the real world, obviously most people would prefer not to spend their birthday alone! 24 is still quite young to have moved a fair distance away from your friends and family so of course it would be nice to have someone with you. I don't see how you are being entitled when your mother offered to come up, you didn't ask or expect.

Take away the birthday element out of it, your mother made arrangements with you and she is now backtracking from them for a ridiculous reasons, so no, YANBU to be upset.

Look on the positive, at least living further away you can escape some of the wedding madness - if your sister is being this pathetic five months in advance about not wanting your mum to do anything other than sort her "wedding month" she is going to be an absolute nightmare closer to the date when it gets cancelled/spaces are limited/people drop out last minute because they need to isolate, etc. You're better off out of it! I would take a step back from any calls, messages, etc.

Plus now they've shown how unbothered they are about your happiness, you've got no reason to put yourself out for them. Sister wants you to travel home for her hen party - sorry, no, you are doing something with your partner that weekend to make up for the fact you spent your birthday on your own. She wants you to arrive days before the wedding to help her set up - sorry, no you're too busy. Not saying you need to be petty, but they've put themselves and their happiness first so no reason why you shouldn't do the same.

I wonder how your sister would have reacted to my situation, I was born on HER 5th birthday, I literately stole her day, and her Pirate Pete party..

Sorry, to clarify, HER being my sister.

I think the reason I am so upset is because its a really lonely year and I don't have alot to look forward to and this was it. I don't know if I can go home for Christmas or not. I feel that my sister has been chosen over me and I would like to feel special for one day.

to those of you who have had a lifetime of being overshadowed I am so sorry, I can imagine that feels horrible