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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Does motherhood feel natural to you?

81 replies

GettingUntrapped · 21/11/2020 21:25

Do those of you who are mothers perceive your maternal 'role' to be natural to you (i.e. innate biology)?
It has rarely felt natural to me, especially when I had my first baby and home alone with him most of the time. Friends have said the same thing, that it can feel unnatural to be alone so much with a new baby. It's a time when we need others around us.
Has anyone else felt like this?

OP posts:

totalburnout · 21/11/2020 22:48

The protection, the loving, the caring and taking responsibility came naturally. I remember waking up several times to check if baby was breathing no matter how tired I was. I'm normally a lazy person but this little human motivates me to keep the house clean and tidy and cook healthy meals. I dreaded the weaning stage, crawling stage, cruising, teething, walking and potty training. I worried between 12-18 months if baby was ticking all the milestone s checklist. I love my child so much and have never loved anyone like that before in my life including myself but my god will I ever have another one? Absolutely not because I don't know if that maternal instinct will come again for the second time and it's bloody hardwork as it is.

TriflePudding · 21/11/2020 22:55

My DS was very much an unplanned miracle truth be told I had never planned on having children, and was very much planning on returning to my job as soon as I could get away with after DS was born. That all changed the moment I held him and motherhood did feel completely natural and instinctive to me.

I still feel awed by the love I feel for my children and the unplanned miracle will be 12 soon.

DipSwimSwoosh · 21/11/2020 22:57

Completely

StylishMummy · 21/11/2020 23:02

I was definitely put on this planet to have children and I adore them. BUT I'm much shorter on patience in the last 9 months since covid changed ALL our usual-ness

BackforGood · 21/11/2020 23:03

As mine became children and then teens, yes, I felt I was in my comfort zone, and didn't have to think so much.... things did feel 'natural' for all those years. Not that I never doubted myself but I found those years much easier.
When dc1 was born / was a baby though, I was shell shocked. I really really struggled.

Topsyandtimison37 · 21/11/2020 23:12

Yes very much so

blueshoes · 21/11/2020 23:13

No, I am not maternal by nature, did not grow up around babies nor did I like babies. Babies were alien to me.

Prior to my first dc, I had spent all my life in a highly pressurised academic and then professional work setting. I am also introverted and don't enjoy company or touch.

I am still not very maternal. But for all my faults, I am good at taking care of people and creatures that need caring and so stepped up to my new role. I am the default medic in the house.

HungryForSnacks · 21/11/2020 23:19

Nope, not at all. I often refer to myself as "Aunty Mummy" which probably isn't helping

TwoZeroTwoZero · 21/11/2020 23:22

No. I don't enjoy being needed or having to be "on duty" for the majority of the time. I'm also naturally very lazy and selfish so am kind of the polar opposite to what a good mother should be. I have to force myself to put on a show. I do love my kids though.

shamalidacdak · 21/11/2020 23:23

Yep

theBelgranoSisters · 21/11/2020 23:27

Nope- i was completely shocked at the reality, day after day home alone bored witless-walking zombie-tired and crying all the time..i was diagnosed with PND when DD1 was 7 months..i felt numb, empty, confused and had suicidal ideation. I actually started enjoying it all when she was 18 months-by then i was the skintest ive ever been after getting rid of my abusive partner but was recovered from PND and literally felt like my old self and then completely guilty about why it wasnt the "best experience of my life" the way it is made out to be.
With DD2 i still found the first 18 months a bit mind-numbing but without PND and an abusive home life it was obviously a vastly different experience. I guess for me ive loved parenting from 2 and up-it gets more interesting and fun the older they get and now mine are mid-teens its the best its ever been and although im not proper mumsy they like hanging out with me still and we have a lot of laughs we like the same music, comedy and are big into nature and the environment so its not like the idea of traditional motherhood i had before i had kids at all- Its our own version of family life as its evolved with the dds and my personality really but so much better than i thought it could be-yep i absolutely love being a parent-it didnt feel natural for a while and the early years were quite tough and boring!

SpillingTheTea · 21/11/2020 23:29

Yes I felt like it has.
But then my DS was such an easy baby. Slept through since day one. Also an easy toddler.
Not sure if it will feel so natural if I have another and they are not like DS. I'd probably feel a bit overwhelmed and like someone has thrown me in the shark tank. Have I been fooled? 😂

Bathrum · 21/11/2020 23:35

I think since becoming a mother I was definitely meant to be one as I'm, without doubt, the happiest and most fulfilled I've ever been. It's the best thing I've ever done...

That's not to say that I don't find it ridiculously hard. Or that I'm 'a natural'... I really struggle with being as selfless as I think you're supposed to be (the whole 'constantly having to do things for other people, or things other people want to do, and hardly ever having time to suit yourself' thing). I find playing with young children really boring a lot of the time. And I also didn't get the 'rush of love' that everybody talks about after birth - mine grew over time.

So, yeah, it feels natural. But I'm not 'a natural'.

TheGoogleMum · 21/11/2020 23:50

No didnt come naturally to me. To be honest really falling in love with DD wasn't immediate, I loved her because I was supposed to and then after a while I thought she was the most wonderful little human. I still am not a natural, but you do learn from experience a bit.

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 21/11/2020 23:53

Nope. And mine are teens. Totally winged it and prayed for the best.

june2007 · 22/11/2020 00:01

In some ways yes, in some ways no.I work with kids and and have a related degree which helps. I have been involved with helping other children since child hood so is it nature or is it nurture because my background tought me what to do. Also my oh haas also worked with children so that def helps.

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 22/11/2020 11:04

Totally and yet I didn't want kids at all until I became a stepmum. DSD's mum worked all weekend every weekend so we had DSD from straight after work until about 8pm on Sunday.

I grew to love DSD and after a few years I told DH I'd changed my mind about having DC. He just smiled in his laid back way and said fine.

So I had my own DC and it seems like what I was born to do. As the years went on it seemed I became a mother figure to some of my kids' friends too. They turned to me at times of crisis. Being a mum is one of the things I'm best at.

Anewmum2018 · 22/11/2020 11:28

Definitely ‘grew’ into motherhood as someone else said.
A lot of that was realising that I didn’t have to be someone else’s version of motherhood- id expected to, overnight, suddenly start to love singing nursery rhymes and sitting around in cold church halls.
Felt a lot more natural to me once I knew that I could be myself and STILL be a mother

Joswis · 22/11/2020 11:30

No. And mine is in her 30s.

Being a granny, YES!

So many of us have kids because it's what people do.

Dreamylemon · 22/11/2020 11:54

I work with kids pre motherhood so some of it feels natural. Some doesn't. It's the exhausting always on call nature I'm not good at.

I also think the lack of 'village' is a factor. We have very small family (both me and DH have 1 sibling who have chosen not to have children) so don't have practical support. I grew up near cousins and hands on grandparents within walking distance and I feel sad I don't have that support.

Cam2020 · 22/11/2020 12:01

Yes it was to me and I was completely surprised that it was. I never thought of myself as maternal in the least. That doesn't mean I don't ask others for advice or wonder whether I'm doing the right thing at times.

LaMadrilena · 22/11/2020 12:21

No! I'm 14w pregnant and terrified - this baby is wanted, but I feel absolutely no spiritual connection to the tiny thing growing inside me, and the thought of having to keep it alive for the next 18 years is horrifying! Also, I'm already sick of my identity suddenly being "pregnant woman" instead of "colleague" etc

PanamaPattie · 22/11/2020 12:25

No. I've got four DC. I don't always like them. I sometimes wish I hadn't bothered giving birth to them - but I would kill for them and hide the bodies.

1stTimeMama · 22/11/2020 12:34

I was the least maternal person I know prior to having children. They weren't on my agenda at all. Then I fell pregnant in a very unplanned way, and from the moment I saw the test, it felt like the most natural thing in the world and what I was born to do. I have 5 children now, and there's nothing I'd rather do, or can imagine doing!

Needhelp101 · 22/11/2020 12:37

It's only now, with my DC at 8 and 10, that I finally feel that I'm occasionally nailing parenting.

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