Does motherhood feel natural to you?

[GettingUntrapped]

Do those of you who are mothers perceive your maternal 'role' to be natural to you (i.e. innate biology)?
It has rarely felt natural to me, especially when I had my first baby and home alone with him most of the time. Friends have said the same thing, that it can feel unnatural to be alone so much with a new baby. It's a time when we need others around us.
Has anyone else felt like this?

[purpleme12]

When she was little I think I was a natural.
When she was a baby I knew what to do. And when she was toddler/early years.
I just knew
Now it's harder to navigate

(I think this is what this thread means anyway!)

[2020iscancelled]

Yes and no

I feel / felt maternal in that I didn’t want my baby to leave my side and I still feel weird sometimes when they go to sleep in the next room and I just want to hold my youngest.

But at the same time it’s so hard. It’s mentally, physically, emotionally brutal. It’s beyond hard actually, until you do it I don’t think you can ever understand the utter sacrifice you make for children. As the mother (or let’s say primary care giver) you give everything to your baby. The sacrifice is huge and all but destroys the person you were before.
I can feel myself coming back, it takes time.
Babies are fucking hard work.

I say it a lot to friends; loving your children and also disliking being a parent can coexist. It’s not one or the other

[grassisjeweled]

Yes, but only now they're older and can walk, talk and do stuff. Newborns terrified me. All that cuddling 😱😂

[GettingUntrapped]

@jesstan1 I understand exactly what you mean. There is that time when they are very young and you tune into them and their vulnerability. Then they get older...
Wondering why you didn't find marriage natural? I didn't either.

[Dishwashersaurous]

Motherhood = yes
Parenthood = no

[grassisjeweled]

There are pics of me with first DC just curled up on bed with him both asleep - I barely left the bed for about 2 weeks

^

This is so beautiful. But this is EXACTLY what I didn't enjoy. It was just too much.

[Noranorav]

Mine are older now but nope not natural for me. I read every baby book and it did me no good 😂. However I love them to pieces and they've made me be a better mum, as I knew they deserved it so I've literally put in the work. Becoming a mum brought some stuff up from my own childhood that I wasn't expecting and I've had challenges with depression and anxiety. In many ways I feel like I've learned to parent from scratch as I didn't seem to have the 'cookie cutter' pattern that many of my friends just seemed to have (even how to interact with other mum's). Its led me to 'peaceful' parenting which far from being wet lettuce parenting its about having clear boundaries, but also treating your kids respectfully (where possible in my case!!). I'm so far from perfect but it's worth it and hope one day I'll be able to say 'phew I did ok at that mothering lark'

[GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal]

Mostly, yeah. It feels like what I was meant to do.

When I took my DD for her 6 week check, the doctor said "it's not your first, is it?" When I explained yes, she was, the doc said she'd assume she was "at least" my third, as I seemed so confident.

I'm an only child too. I just always assume that no one would know what was right for my child better than me.

Having said that, I do still have "oh god, I'm a terrible mother" wobbles.

[GettingUntrapped]

@applesthehare Yes, you are right, I'm muddling maternal instinct with isolation in my question...where isolation is everything in our culture that doesn't support mothers. Not only the pandemic.

[Rapunzel91]

I didnt think it would to me and I worried about it a lot. When I actually had my DD I couldn't believe a baby had come out of me and she was actually mine. A couple hours later mother instinct just kicked in and I've found my protecting and mother instinct have sort of just led me through.

Its shocked me that I've found it so "natural" but there still lots of googling, especially when you hear others say "I'm doing x with y" and "by this age they should do x".

Being alone with a child can be very hard though, they're so little and helpless and you have to do everything for them, it's not an easy task. Be easy on yourself OP, I'm sure you're doing amazing.

[roarfeckingroarr]

My son is only 5 weeks old but I've been shocked at how natural it feels and the extent to which I just know what my baby needs and what to do. I wasn't maternal or broody and this is a very very welcome surprise!

[RedMarauder]

No it wasn't natural.

Lucky for me I have much older siblings and young siblings so apart from a period in my teens there was always younger children in my extended family, so I know what to do.

Covid is a shower of shit as the people she would be bonding with properly she can't.

[Cauterize]

Nothing felt natural for about the first 4 yrs. I compensated by trying very very hard, often neglecting myself in the process.

Things feel a lot more natural these days and I'm significantly happier! I still don't feel like I was 'meant' to be a mother though!

[Echobelly]

I guess the question is 'what does "natural" feel like anyway?'

I've never been a very maternal person, I liked the idea of having kids as I found it so interesting, not because babies are cute or anything, and I was never someone who really knew how to talk to young children or interact with babies.

I think it's maybe feeling more 'natural' for me as they get older, as I feel I don't really know how to relate well to babies and small kids!

[Starface]

Well that's quite a confusion of issues in your OP.

Some aspects of motherhood did feel natural and biological and primal to me. Breastfeeding. Moving my children around. A real connection into their feelings and mind, once I relaxed into that.

But absolutely no, not everything is instinctual - plenty of room for evidence and knowledge, balanced with critical thinking and a recognition that this an absolute ground for cultural warfare. Lots if people acting out complicated psychological positions in this arena too. Lots of room for working out how to achieve what you perceive to be necessary within your family, culture and context. And that takes good old fashioned thinking, planning and organisation. And actually, like any relationship with any person, it took me a while to fall in love with my babies despite good initial bonding. Probably about 6 months I'd say. But it's just part of a developmental process.

As to the isolation of early infancy, it is very hard. Some cultures would see this as bizarre - see cultures of the 40 day laying in where you are tended by your female relatives; where it is not considered unusual for your mum to move in for 6 weeks or for you to go to the maternal home for 6 weeks. My friends do a lovely thing for people in our community after they give birth - we set up a 2 week rota to drop a daily meal for the family. You get to see loads of people and get nutritious food when you really need it. It is brilliant. Covid aside, in more normal circumstances you can have visitors. You can go out for walks once able. You can go to baby groups after those first vaccs. It is hard. But it is only a few weeks and it gets better quickly for many.

[LongPauseNoAnswer]

Day to day stuff like feeding and changing yes but I think that’s the virtue of being a functioning adult rather than a mother specifically.

I hated it btw, it was mostly monotonous, repetitive, boring day after same day interspersed with great fun. Mostly it was monotonous. I only had one because I hated it so much.

[SnackSizeRaisin]

It feels natural to me but these long lockdown days are really trying. It's definitely not natural to be in solitary confinement with a baby nearly all of the time!
Though it's not really natural to live in a house, watch TV, get food from a supermarket, wear shoes etc either. Humans live weirdly unnatural lives!

[TotorosFurryBehind]

It feels unnatural to be alone all day with a small baby as it is unnatural! It is totally a product of our modern society. Our prehistoric ancestors lived in tribes/ extended family groups and child rearing would have been shared.

I thought a lot about this on maternity leave as being alone with a baby for so much time almost broke me. I came to realise that does not mean I am not a good mother or not a natural mother.

[SlB09]

Nope, motherhood as a whole felt alient to me. Took me around a year to accept I was someone's mum, like that proper grown up with responsibility . I grew into it as another poster put it, I think that explains it really well.
Yes I had the ability to feed/change/console etc as far as 'instinct' went but it didn't feel natural mother earthy this was my purpose type stuff.
Mine is 3 now and it feels alot more natural now for me now they are a little person, however I still find alot of it boring. But that's just me, my skill set just isn't applicable to babies!! But do you know what - I did bloody well winging my way through it!!

[catnoir1]

It did with my son but not with dd, I struggle with her.

[plumpootle]

I think I'm like @ReallySpicyCurry in that it feels natural but not always pleasurable. In fact the minute DD was handed to me I knew exactly what the relationship was, what my role was / is to her, it was like I had always known her and my relationship to her. That said, I also felt a bit of a sinking feeling which I still get now and again.

[1940s]

Motherhood absolutely came naturally to me. But the housewife / keeping a home etc doesn't. So I'm a naturally good mum and I find mothering her easy. But the home side of it I struggle

[PlanDeRaccordement]

I don’t know. Some of it has to be nature as we all have the instinct to reproduce. But being conscious, thinking beings most of it is self-determined.

[LilyLongJohn]

No

[yourfaceisaforeignfood]

Yes when they were babies it felt utterly natural, instinctual - a complete end in itself. That doesn’t mean I didn’t have terrible guilt over them crying for example but that I felt connected to them and their needs in a primal way. That I could met all their needs, that nobody could meet their needs better than me and that they were in many ways an extension of me.

I don’t feel that now they are children - I am their mother, that role can’t be replaced but my responses to them are sometimes much better for not being instinctive but benefit from being thought about, talked through etc

I absolutely loved being at home alone with them when they were - I still do. But I am happy to be on my own without children so maybe it’s just personality driven? I did miss not having my mother around (she lives a plane ride away) very much.