To want separate finances with kids

[LittleGwyneth]

DH and I have separate finances, which I like. We each take responsibility for different bills, which works out as him paying about 65% of our expenses and me paying 45%, which mirrors our respective incomes. Obviously if we did split up this would be irrelevant, but I'm hoping we'll be on a beach in Bournemouth with a flask of tea in fifty years.

My reason for wanting separate finances are manifold, but mostly that I like the freedom and control over my own ££ that it allows me. But as we're going to start TTC I was wondering whether other people have made this work with kids? I would be super grateful if anyone who has children and separate finances could clue me in on how you do it. Our friends are all very private about money so I've got no idea what's normal.

Did your DH give you money during the SMP period of your maternity leave? Do you pay for childcare based on your respective earnings? Do you have a joint account where you both pay in a chunk each month (I would be open to doing that - I presume that still counts as separate).

Any guidance (other than telling me that separate finances somehow undermines our whole marriage) much appreciated.

@SpaceOp

I have seen this so often. Women who have always paid their way, suddenly, 1 year into maternity leave they've used all their savings and can't afford any thing for themselves. They go back to work, often in a lesser role or on a part time basis because their DH can't possibly be flexible to manage childcare responsibilities. But they're still paying the bulk of their cash into the joint account. And before you know it, these women have no savings, no pension and can barely afford a cheap night out with their girlfriends while their husband has joined a fancy golf club and is drinking £50 bottles of wine with his buddies.

How do you think this can be avoided?

Asking for...myself

My dh and I have separate finances. I earn around 10-15k more than him.
During maternity leave I took 6m off work.
When I hit smp I paid 25% of the house he paid 75%
He took 6montj off. The first 3m we paid 25-75 and the last 3 I paid for everything as he didn’t have any income.

House we have joint account. Childcare comes out of there as well.

Son / food bills. We’ve a budget tracker account where my husbands tracks all his expenses. He charges me 50% of tbd purchases and I charge him 50%. He owes me money but we treat it as a bank of Easter where he owes x to me rather than pay me every month what I’ve spend more. As I earn more I don’t really need the money back soon so leave it there so he Saves and if one month I struggle financially cuz I spent two much he gives me some of my money back.

House we do 50-50. The family car I’m paying it on my own. We decided to pay 75-25 but this was in a time he was struggling financially so I decided to write off the money for the car and I’m paying the debt on my own. If we go on holiday many time I pay 75% of the holiday on my own. So at the end it comes out as if I’m paying more on the house

We both have our own savings and pension.

If you trust your partner financially it works. It’s good to know you don’t need to be saying ey I’m buying x which costs £500 because I want to which I like

This is super helpful - thank you v much everyone (well everyone apart from those who made super witty comments about my typo).

We split finances in the same way you do and like it fir exactly the same reason. For Mat leave I had saved a bit and then my husband took over all the big bills plus paid me a little extra. We always knew I was going back full time when baby was 10 months. It worked for us and we've gone back to how we did it before, we just split the nursery bill in the same way - ie I pay it but he's taken over a different bill which means we're still paying 60:40 which is how our salaries work out.

I’d keep my finances separate from DH just because I hated how dependent my mum was on my dad, as they had a joint account and he was quite controlling with money (even though she worked, albeit on a much lower scale than my dad).

I have tried to convince DH to set up a joint bank account for bills and the mortgage, but he is still very resistant 5 year on. I told him that’s fine but if he wants to go down that route, the direct debits have to come from his accounts and he is responsible for ensuring payments are smooth and accurate. I’ll occasionally have a look over bills to make sure he’s not short changing me!

But otherwise I’m happy with separate accounts. I like to be in control of my own finances and not reliant on another person.

We have some joint credit cards (paid in full each month) that we use for food shopping expenses, child expenses and meals out etc. We also have a joint bills account that we transfer to but our money is separate apart from that. I earn more but spend more so DH ends up with more left than me!

The money gets spent on the same stuff regardless of whether it came out of an individual or joint account

Trouble is, that's not often the case. Woman stays home, then goes back part time, of course then takes the main childcare responsibilities, sick days and all, because she earns less now and they can't damage his career. She often then ends up paying for everything child related - and the little darlings are not cheap. And next thing you know, she is posting on MN if it's normal that she hasn't had a haircut for 5 years and can't afford a new bra while husband just bought a Porsche from his money..

Joint account. We each keep 250 of our wages in our personal accounts. Joint account used for bills and DD. Anything spare goes into savings.

Its fairer that way.

My husband picked up the tab while I was on mat leave and then we spilt the costs 50:50 when I went back but we didn’t have a mortgage and I went back after 12 weeks. Nanny wasn’t as expensive as I expected and she was cool with bunging the washing in the machine and throwing the vacuum round.

We have a joint account for all household bills / family meals / child care costs. Separate accounts we get paid into and then we have a direct debit into the joint account.

That way I still have my own money to have dinner out without feel guilty but we have joint money for the family.

While on mat leave I saved up enough to cover most of the leave and my OH gave me 2k to cover the rest (he put 2k into the joint account to cover my bills for a while)

Trouble is, that's not often the case. Woman stays home, then goes back part time, of course then takes the main childcare responsibilities, sick days and all, because she earns less now and they can't damage his career. She often then ends up paying for everything child related - and the little darlings are not cheap. And next thing you know, she is posting on MN if it's normal that she hasn't had a haircut for 5 years and can't afford a new bra while husband just bought a Porsche from his money

Yes, reading this thread I realise most people seem to interpret “separate finances” as the literal version, they each pay for their own things, including mortgage and bills, proportionate to earnings. Which as you say often leaves women paying for child related stuff as their responsibility, while their Dh pays for his half of the bills and the rest is his own.

While Dh and I have no joint accounts or finances, our money is “our” money. When the bills are paid whoever has spare cash pays for meals, food, days out, clothes etc. If we go shopping and he needs jeans, i will buy them if i have more disposable, and vice versa.

We don’t bother with I’ve paid this and you’ve paid that. Any money left over is put aside for holidays, new bikes , broken dishwasher, whatever. We both have equal pensions set up, so we may put more in those, or pay off some mortgage. Neither one of us has savings of more than 1-2k.

Like I said we both have access to the others cards if needed- we’ll just say to the other i need to use it till payday because the electric or whatever was more than usual.

What we do - everything goes into a joint account and then we get equal amounts of ‘pocket money’ for hobbies/clothes/coffees etc.

Whatever you decide works for you (and personally, I suggest the above), think about whether it will work in all life situations.

• Can you cope with having less disposable income that him on maternity leave?
• What if one of you needs to stay home to care for a disabled child?
• What about on holiday in 5 years time when he wants to go to an expensive restaurant or activity but you can’t afford your share?
• And most importantly, can you maintain that when you are sitting on a beach in 50 years with a flask of tea?
• What does retirement look like to you both and will that change if on,y one of you can afford those plans?

Separate and joint......
Joint account where weboth transfer an amount each month (proportionate to each of our incomes). This covers mortgage, bills, groceries and all child related costs.
Separate accounts in which we both have the same amount of disposable income (what is left over after bills household costs and pension contributions). That's for us to spend however we want....

@bluebluezoo

I think completely separate finances when you have children is a bad idea

Could you elaborate please? Why is it such a bad idea?

It’s the same money, why does putting into a joint account before spending it make such a difference? The money gets spent on the same stuff regardless of whether it came out of an individual or joint account...

Because then one is beholden to the other. I don’t want to have to say ‘DS needs x can I have 67% please?’ Or ‘food shopping was quite expensive- can I have an extra £50’.

It’s about access to money rather than how it’s spent. It’s about spending power and decision making.

Once children are there you are a family and your resources should be concentrated on the same goal.

That’s my personal opinion in any case.

How do you think this can be avoided?

Joint accounts or joint money. The problem is that if he always has more disposable income, it becomes cumulative. And why should he have more just because he's working while your'e a SAHM or on maternity leave? You're both still working. This is why separate finances don't work long term in my opinion. In v traditional set ups, they can work because the higher earner (man) usually pays for most things so the woman's money literally is just "pin" money and he pays for everything else. But it's funny how these supposedly traditional set ups are not the full thing. So yes, he has more money, but no, he doesn't pay for everything....

@SpaceOp

How do you think this can be avoided?

Joint accounts or joint money. The problem is that if he always has more disposable income, it becomes cumulative. And why should he have more just because he's working while your'e a SAHM or on maternity leave? You're both still working. This is why separate finances don't work long term in my opinion. In v traditional set ups, they can work because the higher earner (man) usually pays for most things so the woman's money literally is just "pin" money and he pays for everything else. But it's funny how these supposedly traditional set ups are not the full thing. So yes, he has more money, but no, he doesn't pay for everything....

I don’t think separate finances works when one of them stays at home taking care of the kids mainly because they don’t have an income so are dependant on the other persons money. We’ve seen loads of threads where the woman is financially abused with or without joint accounts.

Separate finances works (even long term I.e my son is nearly 3yo. And it works for us). When they both work. Maternity leave is just a year but after that both parents work and can have their own savings or expenses without relying on the other person. I only discuss with my husband about things that are for both of us. I do mention that I’m getting the latest iPhone. He says he wouldn’t get it cuz apple is crap and I still get it and I can because I’ve my money. If I had joint account spending 1k from family money might not be seen as so welcome

Our finances are pretty separate more through laziness to be honest. We do have some joint saving accounts which we both pay into but everything else is separate. We do have access to each other's cards & bank details though.

It works for us because we both work (I'm pt) & DH basically pays for everything all bills, food (card is linked to online shops), childcare, car, cleaner, home improvements etc. The only thing I regularly contribute to is the mortgage.

Maternity leaves didn't really have an impact because we had savings & I have a pretty good package. If I didn't work or had a low salary I don't think it would work.

How do you think this can be avoided?
Asking for...myself

Have a joint account where all income goes, and from where all family and child related amounts come out of, including joint savings. And then transfer agreed amounts over to your personal accounts for personal spends. Then you can still have your freedom to spend what you want.

Although we have joint accounts and still spend what we want - maybe the trick is to have a partner who is not controlling? Yes we would discuss bigger purchases like cars, as we swap between ours occasionally, but neither of us would have any complaints over the phone the other one decides to get.

Although we have joint accounts and still spend what we want - maybe the trick is to have a partner who is not controlling?

I agree. It seems to depend a lot on your attitudes to money.

For us, having a joint account makes no sense, it just adds another level of complication. It’s only really needed if you are keeping spending money separate, and each having personal money.

We both view our money as joint. So it makes no difference who pays what. We don’t count, or keep track. If the dc need something and I’m out, i’ll buy it, if dh is, he will. If I’m skint at the end of the month, or have paid car insurance etc, dh picks up the food and other spending.

I suppose it helps that dh actually likes shopping, so he is more likely to spend on clothes and bits for the dc.

We do it the opposite way to the one that makes sense and it just kind of evolved. We get paid into our personal accounts and pay our personal bills then what’s left goes in joint for spending money.

As bluezoo said I don't see my money as separate even though it physically is. I bought a load of christmas presents for the dc this week. The amount isn't important & I wouldn't expect DH to buy X because I've spent X.

Yes I’ve just been out and spent a couple of hundred on bits for christmas, stocking up on toiletries and a few essentials.

I won’t ask for half off Dh, he can put the next couple of shops on his credit card and give mine a break :)

At the moment we have joint account for bills, we also pay half the childcare bill each directly into the tax free childcare account.
When I was on maternity I stopped paying into the joint account once I had gone down onto SMP. I do buy the bulk of DDs stuff but it's clothes, toys, etc as most of her food is covered by the childcare bill and the rest comes out of the joint account groceries.
I think this will still be ok as she gets older as realistically she isn't going to want to do expensive hobbies and days out til she is of school age and our childcare bill will have vastly reduced as a result. It's probably not equitable if you do the maths but we are all happy with the arrangement, bills are paid and we have joint savings as well as our own pot to do with as we wish (no arguing over frivolous spends or whatever, that way) so it works for us.

We both earn exactly the same as we have the same job, we get paid in to our own accounts and pay the same amount into a joint account each month for house, bills, food shopping, meals out, anything joint. I'm currently pregnant and when I'm on mat leave he will increase to pay 75% of our usual joint amount into the account and I'll pay 25% - I'm building up some savings from my wages now in preparation.

When I return to work we will pay 50:50 again but a larger amount to cover the cost of things for the baby. We think we are both going to go down to 80% hours as it works out better for childcare fees and us both getting a day a week with the baby.

We use Monzo and if we buy something out our own money thats a joint item we'd just split it on there eg if I bought some food shopping on my way home or a new pan etc and didn't use the joint card

Isn't it a bit of a faff to keep tabs and charge each other for half a fork?