To want separate finances with kids

[LittleGwyneth]

DH and I have separate finances, which I like. We each take responsibility for different bills, which works out as him paying about 65% of our expenses and me paying 45%, which mirrors our respective incomes. Obviously if we did split up this would be irrelevant, but I'm hoping we'll be on a beach in Bournemouth with a flask of tea in fifty years.

My reason for wanting separate finances are manifold, but mostly that I like the freedom and control over my own ££ that it allows me. But as we're going to start TTC I was wondering whether other people have made this work with kids? I would be super grateful if anyone who has children and separate finances could clue me in on how you do it. Our friends are all very private about money so I've got no idea what's normal.

Did your DH give you money during the SMP period of your maternity leave? Do you pay for childcare based on your respective earnings? Do you have a joint account where you both pay in a chunk each month (I would be open to doing that - I presume that still counts as separate).

Any guidance (other than telling me that separate finances somehow undermines our whole marriage) much appreciated.

I think completely separate finances when you have children is a bad idea

Could you elaborate please? Why is it such a bad idea?

It’s the same money, why does putting into a joint account before spending it make such a difference? The money gets spent on the same stuff regardless of whether it came out of an individual or joint account...

Have three accounts my husband has three. One of the six is a joint and I put in about £2k a month. That covers the school fees plus leaves a bit that goes on whatever is needed. My husband puts in whatever he wants as pays the mortgage, bills food, in fact all other expenses as he is the higher earner. He uses his own ac sometimes the joint. I use one of my ac as a current ac and the other savings.

Our savings are our own, joint pot for shared stuff and we don’t really discuss how much is left over. I have no idea how much my husband has in his account and he is the same with me. If we need to make a big purchase we just discuss best way to fund it and how much each of us is able to contribute. Worked for us for nearly 20 years.

In a previous relationship where I lived with a partner we had one joint account. It was so hard to track and part of the reason we split up. Couldn’t agree who was “allowed’ to spend disposable income as we ear to different amounts or how to prioritise when everything was shared.

I think to make it work you need to have a shared pot for child related expenses and you need to discuss what happens on mat leave up front.

I’ve read too many threads where a woman has been expected to save up in order to contribute her normal amount during mat leave and then cover all child-related expenses afterwards. Quite often the partner will give money on a case by case basis if she goes to him cap in hand. Fuck that.

Without tempting fate, what if things don’t go according to plan and you can’t immediately return to work due to your/the baby’s health? You need a big discussion to cover all the bases and come to an agreement that suits everyone.

Joint account for bills, joint account for savings. Each has own current account and savings. Works well.

Joint for all bills- childcare, Christmas presents, car maintenance, food, holidays. Anything that is not personal spend.

Own account for work travel, going out and own clothes etc.

The key thing is to make sure that you both put enough in the joint account to cover all expenses- baby groups, clothes, childcare etc- all child related costs

Why not work out a budget together based on your income and outgoings. You can then decide what money needs to be in yoyr account, your partners account and any joint account - if you have one. For example if you are going to pay for the broadband (or whatever) that money would be in your account. You could aim for the same amount of personal spending money each if that works for you - or not if you agree for some reason it should vary. I have seen people that have said ladies need more money for more expenses of hair/clothes/makeup or people that think the higher earner should have more money left, or maybe one of you likes running for a hobby while the other keeps horses....requiring different amounts of spending money.

Your budget would need to be reviewed regularly and adjusted when your income falls for maternity leave.

Here is a "statement of affairs" calculator that might prompt ideas for your budget.
stoozing.com/soa.php

We have a joint account which we both transfer money into to cover bills and food shopping as well as our own separate accounts.
While TTC and during pregnancy I saved hard from my separate account into a savings account so on maternity leave I can carry on paying my fair share into the house pot.

You can still have your own money even while you share an account for joint expenses. Dh and I have always had our own personal accounts. I have no idea what he has in his or what he spends it on, and the same for him with me. But we do have a joint account for household expenses and children. With dc, there are lots of little everyday expenses that will eat into your money if you don't have a joint account - a new pair of shoes you get because you just happen to be passing the shops and the old ones are about to be outgrown, school trips, lunches, snacks when out, etc. These are all shared expenses and they should come out of shared money.

We each pay proportionately into our joint account (which always varies a bit because our individual incomes aren't necessarily the same every month). And then we have what's leftover to use for whatever. Dh has never given me money on mat leave because SMP is still like 600 something a month. That's more than enough spending money for me. But he did pay for the bulk of joint expenses when I was at home (again, I'd pay proportionately, but my contribution wasn't much at that stage). Of course, if ever either of us needed extra money (for unexpected car repairs or something) and didn't have enough, the other would cover it. But generally we're quite happy to have our own money in our personal accounts and it works well and it's plenty.

There isnt a normal but I may be the exception. I earn 40% of our income and we dont have any joint accounts. Generally he pays mortgage and I pay for childcare and food. During maternity I used my savings.. but he paid for all bills so i actually spent quite little. My work continued to pay into my pension. We occasionally transfer money to each other. Married 15 years and 2 kids.

ok our version. Joint account for all bills as direct debits and standing orders, other accounts for food (with debit card), online savers for things like kids classes, clothes, car expenses, holiday savings, household appliance replacement, etc.

We agreed a set personal amount for spending then put the rest of wages into the main bill account. Everything gets paid or transferred out into other accounts then leftover gets swept into a joint savings and then two individual savings.

When I was on maternity leave then dh fronted everything nearly and did our budget accordingly and he transferred me my spending money. When dh wasn't working I transferred him spending money each month when i got paid.

I wish we'd made a change before having DD. We have a joint account and separate accounts, but I often end up buying DD's clothes, presents etc... and when it came to mat leave, I was on my own. I couldn't afford a weekly cup of coffee as a treat, which made me really frustrated.

@Calmandmeasured1

We each take responsibility for different bills, which works out as him paying about 65% of our expenses and me paying 45% Mmm, numbers not your forte? So what is the split really?

That’s how far I got too 😂😂😂

Can you really say your finances are separate when he pays so much more than you for your joint expenses?

Did your DH give you money during the SMP period of your maternity leave?

Given I'm the breadwinner, no he didn't

We have a slightly strange set-up. All my income goes into a joint account and all the bills come out of it. All of DH's income goes into a separate account and from time to time he makes a transfer into the joint account, which I then transfer into savings. He spends hardly anything (I wish I had his willpower/lack of interest in things).

If we were on a more equal footing income wise (or if I was on less than him) then I would expect to pool funds and all expenses to come out of that pool. Childcare would be paid for jointly - none of this being paid for 100% by the mother.

I’m married, on mat leave, with a child and another on the way. My worry with keeping separate finances Op is that having baby usually has more financial impact on mum than dad.

Obviously this isn’t always the case and doesn’t have to be, but it often is. I mean you can ask your DH to ‘pay’ you for being on mat leave but I think it’ll end up in a ‘I’ll pay all the bills...etc’ situation which will sound reasonable but leaves you with only SMP.

Also don’t underestimate all the clothing/feeding costs associated with a small child. Our DS grows out of things so fast and if DH and I didn’t share finances I would be asking him for money several times a month.

The women I know who don’t share finances (especially with higher earning DH’s) end up with very little in the bank at the end of the month paying for the kids stuff whilst DH manages to save pretty well.

We have 2 kids and separate finances. He pays some things (mortgage, bin collection etc) and I pay other (childcare, groceries). We made sure they add up to same amount as we earn similar. Any extras e.g. Christmas we have. Works well for us. Wouldn't change it to joint.

I'm keen to know why you jointly pay 110% of your expenses 🙂

I’m the same as many PP’s. We both get paid into our own accounts, then transfer an amount of money to a joint account that is equal to our income- roughly 45/55%. All bills are paid out of this- we also transfer a set amount into joint savings each month, and the rest we keep. Works perfectly and very easy for buying joint purchases too, no ‘paying the other back’ etc.

Maybe the 110% is to build up a buffer in case anything goes up or there's something unexpected to be paid for?

All our bills (and food shopping) come out of 1 account, we put the same amount in each month. When it comes to clothes for DD, I usually buy them then DH pays me back half.
While on maternity leave I kept my usual monthly spending money back and the rest into the bills (none to my savings as I normally would) and he has made up the difference.

We have a joint account which we each pay into every month, weighted to reflect that DH earns more than me. That pays for everything to do with the house, mortgage, council tax, internet etc etc plus food. What's left in our own accounts is our own money to spend as we like. I'm just coming to the end of mat leave and although I've managed to keep paying in the same amount to the joint account as before every month, DH has paid for more incidental/unexpected costs as he could afford it and I couldn't! I'm going back part time and once I know exactly what my take home pay is every month we will adjust what we pay into the joint account.

the problem with your set up and separate finances generally, is that it only works if both people in the relationship are earning sufficient that there is no major disparity between them in terms of personal spending.

So, if he earns a bit more so pays in a bit more and still has a bit more left to spend, that's probably okay (although personally, I really don't understand it) but if he earns a LOT more and is able to afford fancy cars, designer clothes and posh weekends away with the boys while the woman can barely afford to get her cut at a budget hairdresser, then there's a problem.

And so, the moment you go on maternity leave, this potentially rears its head and you need to figure this out up front. If you're only getting SMP, it's not enough for him to pay all the joint expenses because you won't have any money for anything for yourself.

Similarly, assuming you're planning to go back to work, you still need to be sure that if that changes for some reason, the plan changes too.

Also, childcare, of course, is a JOINT expense. It is not just something that comes off your salary.

Also, you should be thinking long term. Having children unfortunately can affect your earning potential. Which means that he has the opportunity to continue increasing his salary while yours may well stagnate.

I have seen this so often. Women who have always paid their way, suddenly, 1 year into maternity leave they've used all their savings and can't afford any thing for themselves. They go back to work, often in a lesser role or on a part time basis because their DH can't possibly be flexible to manage childcare responsibilities. But they're still paying the bulk of their cash into the joint account. And before you know it, these women have no savings, no pension and can barely afford a cheap night out with their girlfriends while their husband has joined a fancy golf club and is drinking £50 bottles of wine with his buddies.

Separate accounts and split what ever is needed I have access to dp account and he has access to mine dp works full time I stay home with the children

We have sort of separate finances. My DH earns 3 times my wage as I only work 2 days a week. We turned his account into a joint one so I have access to the main bulk of our money. My earnings stay in my account and go on some of the bills with the remainder to me to spend on my self and the kids. When I’ve spent mine for the month I start working on his.