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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I wasn't a bully,AIBU to ask why you think she thinks I was?

65 replies

Housewoes23 · 20/11/2020 17:25

When I was at school I was extremely shy, awkward, and quiet. I was overweight and self conscious and terrified the whole time at this particular school. I didn't speak to many other kids at all.

When I was about 9, I was told by one equally awkward girl whom I was friends with that her cousin (aged 6, same school)had told their family that we'd both been bullying her. I didn't think much of it.

A few days later a teacher (who was awful and who I was frightened of, which didn't help) took us into his office to wave his finger at us for bullying her and told us off-I don't remember if I denied it, I think I just stayed quiet, but apparently she'd said things like us 'squeezing her tummy' and 'pulling her hair'. None of which was true, certainly not of me anyway.

I didn't speak to this friend from being around the age of 12, I'd moved schools again.

Not long ago (about 2 months now) this girl who'd said we'd bullied her popped up on a local fb page, sharing a post related to her pet having had a bad reaction to a treatment. I shared the post, and she responded to my asking if I could. I friend requested her, I did feel mindful of the age-old accusation in primary school but I figured she had made it up, as kids do make things up, and that having interacted with me as adults it was all forgotten about.

She sent me a message full of venom about how I'd held her down by her hair and bullied her terribly and why the F was I adding her as a friend etc etc. It went on for quite a long time. I mentioned that I had had hard time in life too and I was sorry she felt this way and she said 'Well it deserves you right!'
It was quite upsetting really, as she seems to really, truly believe I did these things.

Of course I apologised for adding her and said none of the things ever happened, and left it at that. Some things were totally nonsensical anyway, she kept mentioning her hair so I said that she had had a pixie cut all through school that I remembered so how could i have pulled her hair? She replied 'Yes my hair was short and black I should know my own hair!' so wasn't making much sense.

A couple of days ago she sent me another animal-related message asking me to share something else (I have quite a large presence in the local animal rights community), and accepted my friend request.

Does she really believe I bullied her? I was so not the type. I've never bullied anyone-I was such a frightened,oppressed child.

She has a good job in the medical field and a husband, house etc. Doesn't seem to be going through difficulties of any sort although of course you can never tell.

What would you put this down to?

OP posts:
HeyDuggeesCakeBadge · 20/11/2020 17:28

Has she confused you with someone else?

Housewoes23 · 20/11/2020 17:29

heyduggees I don't see how? Same names, she remembered me clearly by other thing she said-she couldn't have confused me with anybody else at the time as neither me nor her cousin spoke to/hung out with any other kids at all. We were both lonely, isolated girls who sort of found one another.

OP posts:
Caroncarona · 20/11/2020 17:30

Erm, I'd block her.

TeenPlusTwenties · 20/11/2020 17:30

She got you muddled with someone else.
eg Claire Brown v Claire Black?

GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 20/11/2020 17:31

She’s not behaving rationally. Ignore it and block her is my advice!

Housewoes23 · 20/11/2020 17:32

teenplus I really don't see how, the accusations she made on the fb message were the same as back in the early 90s. She knew who I was and she remembered the things that were said, the things she'd accused me of back then, exactly the same. My surname is also quite uncommon. A lot of mutual friends from the same school (who I had contacted through friends reunited as an adult and then added on fb when it became a thing).

OP posts:
DorisDaisyMay · 20/11/2020 17:32

Very weird.
I would distance yourself if you can.

Housewoes23 · 20/11/2020 17:33

Yes, I have no intention of carrying on any interaction. I am not upset now. It just seems so, well downright odd? I genuinely did not do those things at all. After the initial telling off both me and her cousin were told to never interact with her at all and ignore her don't speak to her in the playground don't look at her etc etc. I moved schools aged 10 and lost touch with cousin not long after, but she definitely remembers me, too many mentions of things related to what was said back then.

OP posts:
LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 20/11/2020 17:34

How strange.

She hasn't got OP muddled now. She might have got her muddled at the time.

However her behaviour isn't rational. I agree with the blocking suggestion.

Nottherealslimshady · 20/11/2020 17:34

Block her. She wanted attention and sympathy. Has convinced herself it's the truth and is continuing the same habit.
The messaging, accepting, ranting, deleting, messaging, friend request whole thing implies she's got some issues.

TheCrowsHaveEyes · 20/11/2020 17:35

Surely when it happened you asked your friend/her cousin what had prompted it? It's not impossible to think that you were so caught up in your own issues that you didn't realise when you were being unkind to others.
But this doesn't seem complicated. She remembers you treating her badly. She doesn't want to be your friend. She wants to use your contacts to share posts relevant to your shared interests. You don't need to accept her friend request. If she makes her posts public, you can share them without having to be her friend.
(Your point about the length of her hair is bizarre. You can still pull short hair!).

TheMandalorian · 20/11/2020 17:35

Did you not put her right? She must have confused you with someone else. I would send her a message saying as much and then block her.

Housewoes23 · 20/11/2020 17:35

She also mentioned her cousin and our friendship-definitely not muddled and definitely not at the time! As I've said, I did not speak to any other kids. Nor did her cousin. We were both loners who didn't have any friends then developed a friendship based on those similarities.

OP posts:
Moltenpink · 20/11/2020 17:38

I think she’s believing her own story from back then, if you tell yourself something over & over it becomes true sometimes. She probably doesn’t know it’s a false memory, not much you can do. Try to let it go if you can

MyMajesty · 20/11/2020 17:38

No idea, but I'd have as little to do with her as possible.
Don't bother being her Facebook friend, or switch her to 'acquaintance'.

(Maybe it was two other girls, who she didn't see properly, and she just thought it was you two? - that's just a wild guess as my daughter was beaten up on the way home from school, once, and genuinely didn't see who the people were.)

Housewoes23 · 20/11/2020 17:39

notthereal yes i guess so and the being all friendly now.

thecrows no I didn't. I had an unhappy homelife and wouldn't have dared question what an adult said to me. I wouldn't have dared be unkind to another child either, I thought I was some kind of weirdo who didn't deserve friends I think? I used to give away any toys and money I had to others-I thought that's what you did-but this isn't about my childhood per se. I definitely remember those times and what I did/didn't do.
Maybe so (regarding the hair) but you cant rag someone about by it or any of the other things she accused me of at the time.

mandalorian I did try to put her right but she obviously truly believes it, as she must have then.

OP posts:
BrandyandDeath · 20/11/2020 17:40

I'd say, "It never happened, you numpty." And block after a suitable interval

GlummyMcGlummerson · 20/11/2020 17:42

As a teacher I have seen perfectly lovely children being accused of bullying when actually it's just that the two kids don't get on and one doesn't get their way with playground games etc so accuses the other of being a bully. When actually it's clear as day the accuser is just an over sensitive demanding child with mummy and daddy eating up every word she says as opposed to an actual adult.

Housewoes23 · 20/11/2020 17:42

molten false memory-yes maybe. I feel like I'm justifying myself and I just know I wouldnt have done those things.

When me and her cousin hung out, she was in the 'infants' and we weren't-they had a different playground/play time to us but could interact iwth us for part of the lunchbreak when the times carried over. She would come and interact with her cousin and me for some of those times. Her cousin wasn't ever with anybody but me, same as me with her.

When we were accused of it, it wasn't as a one off, she had said we'd been doing it for a long time every time we interacted, she had detailed many occasions to the teachers who didn't listen to her cousins denying of it and I hadn't dared speak up at all.

OP posts:
ddl1 · 20/11/2020 17:52

It occurs to me: could she, like about 2 to 3 percent of the population, have severe difficulty in recognizing faces? This could both increase the risk of someone being isolated and becoming a victim of bullying, and make them more likely to misidentify the bullies, especially if she herself doesn't realize that she has this problem, which many people don't.

Otherwise, stress may have affected her memory for events. Or she may just be rather unhealthy mentally, and inclined to be paranoid.

I would try to avoid any contact with her, unless she reaches out to you.

Housewoes23 · 20/11/2020 17:55

She definitely knew who I was then and does now..too many things mentioned clear in her memory that were truthful (my friendship with her cousin, other people at school, teachers, other interactions). I wont interact with her, havent since the last message. But it's so odd I'm curious as to why she is behaving this way, why would anyone. Thanks for all replies. Interesting.

OP posts:
ddl1 · 20/11/2020 17:58

one doesn't get their way with playground games etc so accuses the other of being a bully

I am sure that happens - I experienced something a little like that as an adult - but in this case, the person isn't just saying that the OP is a bully; she is accusing her of specific physical acts that she didn't do.

OP: if you are still in touch with her cousin, you could perhaps ask her; though best not to get in touch with her just for the purpose, if you've been out of touch since primary school.

ddl1 · 20/11/2020 18:00

Ah, I see you lost touch with the cousin long ago, so not much you can do there.

mummmy2017 · 20/11/2020 18:06

She was younger and magnified any time you said no to her

She sounds like she hasn't changed, maybe her mum and dad always tried too hard to please her, and so her attitude has never changed. I would never have private conversations with her, and only share if you want too.

BigBlueBow · 20/11/2020 18:11

She clearly thinks you bullied her

So either its a false memory, or shes got you confused with someone else. Not now but at the time.

She was 6 years old. Theres many reasons a 6 year old might make it up or get confused. She might have made up the story because she didnt like you playing with her couskn. Maybe the cousin and another child did the acts and she got confused as to who the other child was. Maybe it was someone else and she told the staff it was her cousin because she was scared. She potentially has forgotten she made up who did it. Or genuinly thought it was you at the time.

Either way you are confident you are not a bully so Id just ignore it. She was 3 years younger than you at school Im not sure why you are so het up on interacting with her as an adult.

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