I wasn't a bully,AIBU to ask why you think she thinks I was?

[Housewoes23]

When I was at school I was extremely shy, awkward, and quiet. I was overweight and self conscious and terrified the whole time at this particular school. I didn't speak to many other kids at all.

When I was about 9, I was told by one equally awkward girl whom I was friends with that her cousin (aged 6, same school)had told their family that we'd both been bullying her. I didn't think much of it.

A few days later a teacher (who was awful and who I was frightened of, which didn't help) took us into his office to wave his finger at us for bullying her and told us off-I don't remember if I denied it, I think I just stayed quiet, but apparently she'd said things like us 'squeezing her tummy' and 'pulling her hair'. None of which was true, certainly not of me anyway.

I didn't speak to this friend from being around the age of 12, I'd moved schools again.

Not long ago (about 2 months now) this girl who'd said we'd bullied her popped up on a local fb page, sharing a post related to her pet having had a bad reaction to a treatment. I shared the post, and she responded to my asking if I could. I friend requested her, I did feel mindful of the age-old accusation in primary school but I figured she had made it up, as kids do make things up, and that having interacted with me as adults it was all forgotten about.

She sent me a message full of venom about how I'd held her down by her hair and bullied her terribly and why the F was I adding her as a friend etc etc. It went on for quite a long time. I mentioned that I had had hard time in life too and I was sorry she felt this way and she said 'Well it deserves you right!'
It was quite upsetting really, as she seems to really, truly believe I did these things.

Of course I apologised for adding her and said none of the things ever happened, and left it at that. Some things were totally nonsensical anyway, she kept mentioning her hair so I said that she had had a pixie cut all through school that I remembered so how could i have pulled her hair? She replied 'Yes my hair was short and black I should know my own hair!' so wasn't making much sense.

A couple of days ago she sent me another animal-related message asking me to share something else (I have quite a large presence in the local animal rights community), and accepted my friend request.

Does she really believe I bullied her? I was so not the type. I've never bullied anyone-I was such a frightened,oppressed child.

She has a good job in the medical field and a husband, house etc. Doesn't seem to be going through difficulties of any sort although of course you can never tell.

What would you put this down to?

*stories

How odd?! She was only 6 - perhaps she had a dream you did those things and she got confused and the memory of the dream became a reality for her?

I had a similar accusation except it can't be explained away so easily as it was in secondary school. A girl from my class ending up working in the same place as me in my twenties. Hadn't seen her in years. We weren't friends in school, had very little to do with one another. She tells me at work how I was horrible to her. She said I got up out of my chair in math class and walked around her desk in a circle chanting "bitch, bitch, bitch" - this literally never happened!!! We would have been around 15 so I'd bloody remember. Not to mention I would have never done such a thing to anyone! I told her it never happened but she was completely insistent that it did. She was always a bit odd but I didn't know she was a complete fantasist. The mind is a curious entity OP who knows why these things happen?

I think you just need to firmly say this didn't happen, and move on. Completely disengage. It's rubbish to think someone's out there with this negative and incorrect opinion of you, but it's likely that the more you try to question this, the more firmly she'll lock into this narrative of 'HouseWoes bullied me and now she totally denies it'.

FWIW she's probably not a compulsive liar, a fantasist or a malicious adult. As other people have said, childhood memory is very pliable. It's possible her initial accusations were an exaggeration, a fib for attention, a social misunderstanding etc, but, years later, they've become factual in her memory.

There was a really interesting (if ethically dubious) experiment where a group of adults were persuaded to remember being lost in a shopping mall age 6. That never happened, but many of them were fully convinced and 'remembered' specific additional details. When the experiment ended and they were told the memory was fake, a few refused to believe it. (At least, I think I remember reading that...)

Perhaps there was some jealousy involved, she may have thought her cousin belonged to her and resented you being friends. She may have made this stuff up to punish you both and convinced herself it was true over time.

I recently met my younger brother after him living abroad for many years, some of his memories of our childhood were bizarre, they just didn't happen, and I don't mean bad things particularly. He'd just thought these things for so long, they had become real to him.

I really feel for you OP, being accused of things you didn't do is pretty upsetting.

I think it's surprisingly easy for "others" to manipulate the truth and the way people think.
Your friend could have easily pulled her cousins hair and said - "Housewoes23 told me to do it" "Housewoes23 said you deserved this" "Housewoes23 said she hates you"
Suddenly you are a bully and no amount of arguing will make her think otherwise.

Ignore, block, move on. You know you weren't a bully. You can't always control peoples perceptions.

This is now a source of negativity from your childhood, forcing you to re-examine old memories, questioning your actions. You have no obligation to have her in your life or to have to read her rants. Remove her from Facebook and never engage with her again.

Ops friend was 9. Stated in a namechange.

I was also wondering about some sort of familial abuse. This is backed up with the cousin, who started bullying you op. And perhaps it was easier to say you were involved as it was perhaps embarrassing for her to say it was only her 6 yo cousin was bullying her and so much more plausible if she said another 9 yo was involved.

My dd was friends with a girl, who made her / our lives hell for a few months and was very controlling - saying hurtful, nasty things about both of us, lying, stealing money from an honesty box, blowing hot and cold etc. I didn’t discuss it with her mother as she was getting increasingly anti my dd because the girl couldn’t handle my dd made friends with some other children she said she hated. I think there was a lot of upset in her household from it and dd was seen as betraying the friendship by both mother and child. This all came to a head with a cyber bullying event, which dd tried to stop - girl said the wrong thing about another child. Dd was blamed by the mother and took it to the school. Consequently the girl went all out war but only against my and tried to get their friendship group and kids at school to turn against dd. The children at school didn’t believe her very blatant lies as there were others to set her straight but their mutual friends, who are not at the same school did, which caused a lot of fall out. The girl did eventually apologise and admit dd did nothing wrong but we are pretty sure she wouldn’t have done so had she managed to isolate my dd. Bottom line the girl is very angry, unhappy and confused with her home life and jealous of my dd but as a parent I am done with her. I’d help her if she were in dire need or danger as I would anyone. But that is it.

You’ve absolutely done the right thing blocking this woman. Fundamentally she is probably a very unhappy person. I’ve advised my dd to give this girl a wide berth and as an adult you are doing the same. Dd has since played at the park within the friendship group with this girl. I can’t stop that. But in your shoes, I would have zero contact with this woman and unfriend her on Facebook.

I’ve namechanged btw. The events with the girl are relatively recent and if the mother recognises the story, I don’t want her sifting through my life.

@Bakeachocolatecaketoday

I think it's surprisingly easy for "others" to manipulate the truth and the way people think. Your friend could have easily pulled her cousins hair and said - "Housewoes23 told me to do it" "Housewoes23 said you deserved this" "Housewoes23 said she hates you" Suddenly you are a bully and no amount of arguing will make her think otherwise. Ignore, block, move on. You know you weren't a bully. You can't always control peoples perceptions.

This is a very good point.

My elder brother bullied me but it is denied in my family. My mother stopped trying to defend me when I was 4 when he hurt himself in anger after a bullying event and ended up needing hospital treatment. He is her golden child.

I eventually went nc in our 40’s after a particularly vile event. My mother was present and did nothing to stop him. He pretended he accidentally hurt me and she maintains this narrative. He didn’t. Throughout our childhood, he was verbally and physically abusive. This includes red traffic light stuff (that’s sexual btw) albeit he never touched me. It was things said and stuff done with his body deliberately in my personal space.

My mother was also aware of some of this. She denies everything. Far easier than admitting you failed your dd for practically her entire childhood and raising a monster. Belief is a powerful tool.

When I was 6 I very nearly drowned. Probably to stop me being so terrified someone asked me if l spoke to any of the fish. Thereafter so recounted a story about talking to a fish. In my mind's eye I have this as a true memory. If it were about something plausible I would find it near on possible to accept it didn't happen. A false memory around a traumatic event is very powerful.

@mummyoflittledragon, nothing in your league thankfully but no my parents are never ever going to be able to acknowledge that for an easy life they let one child get his own way all the time and if i ever stood up to him and got hit and got upset i got given out to. They mock my version of events now and say im paranoid but the facts are he still believes he's always right and has a great job, they still hang on his every word and still ignore my boundaries but respect his, i still doubt myself andd feel a lot of hesitancy "promoting" myself.

All because they cannot face the reality that they looked away for a quiet life. They did their best so shut up. Amen.

@OwlOne
Don’t belittle your experience. It is soul destroying to be ridiculed and be the lesser child. I hope you can come to some kind of peace in the knowledge that your truth will never be acknowledged because if your parents really really let that happen, they would have to accept their failings. To fight their version will destroy your soul. My brother also has a great job and the way she my mother talks about him, you would think he shits gold. I’m disabled, too ill to work and have had 3 major surgeries.

Thanks @mummyoflittledragon I'm the lesser child alright! Snap. I'm having therapy again (second time, first time was after I left my abusive x. 13 years ago the psychotherapist tried to lay clues for me to join up dots but I wasn't ready to hear it then. I saw my parents as having rescued me back then). Now, I am 90% ''recovered'' have had the epiphanies the psychotherapist laid the breadcrumbs for me to have later. And I'm ok mostly, except, issues still crop up for me. I am some sort of magnet for scapegoating narcissists. Maybe because I see through narcissists so they want to expel me from a group even though I want to stay under their radar. Also,I find it so so hard to handle any kind of conflict that I avoid it and end up going with the flow all the time. And again 95% of the time that's fine but occasionally you need to stand up for yourself assertively and whenever I try to do that, it's like, it's not tolerated. The people around me, colleagues, acquaintances, relatives...... they would all tolerate reasonable boundaries from others but it offends them when I say something like 'no, please don't misrepresent me, I meant.........x not y''.

I'm working now, after years of being a single parent who couldn't be in two places at once (earn more than childcare) so I value this job. My daughter says that my parents hang on my brother's every word even when he is talking about fibre optic cables. Such a relief that my kids SEE it!!

I hope the surgeries are getting you to a stronger, healthier place

If it's any help OP I've come to the conclusion some people are just strange.

I was accused of bullying someone on a distance masters course, (it was very international) we got put in groups and had to virtually work on a project, it turned out this women had worked in the same hospital at me but I don't remember ever working with her about 2 weeks into it on she sent a load of messages and accused me of bullying and flounced out of the group it was very strange.

None of my team mates understood it and all offered messages of support ( in fact we are all still in touch) all I could think of was mistaken identity as she said you were fair then in one of her rants I assume she meant fair haired and I am very dark haired. I did have a weekend of worry thinking I'd be chucked off a course my company had just paid 15k for.

People have very poor memories. She may have told a lie as a child which she has held into for so long her brain believes it to be true. The other child could have done something and you were implicated in by association; or she misinterpreted your shyness as being rude and cliquey and felt bad and made up a story to get attention.

Thanks @OwlOne I’m glad your children see it. My dd saw at 7 how differently brother and his wife treated her and their dc and it hurt.