I wasn't a bully,AIBU to ask why you think she thinks I was?

[Housewoes23]

When I was at school I was extremely shy, awkward, and quiet. I was overweight and self conscious and terrified the whole time at this particular school. I didn't speak to many other kids at all.

When I was about 9, I was told by one equally awkward girl whom I was friends with that her cousin (aged 6, same school)had told their family that we'd both been bullying her. I didn't think much of it.

A few days later a teacher (who was awful and who I was frightened of, which didn't help) took us into his office to wave his finger at us for bullying her and told us off-I don't remember if I denied it, I think I just stayed quiet, but apparently she'd said things like us 'squeezing her tummy' and 'pulling her hair'. None of which was true, certainly not of me anyway.

I didn't speak to this friend from being around the age of 12, I'd moved schools again.

Not long ago (about 2 months now) this girl who'd said we'd bullied her popped up on a local fb page, sharing a post related to her pet having had a bad reaction to a treatment. I shared the post, and she responded to my asking if I could. I friend requested her, I did feel mindful of the age-old accusation in primary school but I figured she had made it up, as kids do make things up, and that having interacted with me as adults it was all forgotten about.

She sent me a message full of venom about how I'd held her down by her hair and bullied her terribly and why the F was I adding her as a friend etc etc. It went on for quite a long time. I mentioned that I had had hard time in life too and I was sorry she felt this way and she said 'Well it deserves you right!'
It was quite upsetting really, as she seems to really, truly believe I did these things.

Of course I apologised for adding her and said none of the things ever happened, and left it at that. Some things were totally nonsensical anyway, she kept mentioning her hair so I said that she had had a pixie cut all through school that I remembered so how could i have pulled her hair? She replied 'Yes my hair was short and black I should know my own hair!' so wasn't making much sense.

A couple of days ago she sent me another animal-related message asking me to share something else (I have quite a large presence in the local animal rights community), and accepted my friend request.

Does she really believe I bullied her? I was so not the type. I've never bullied anyone-I was such a frightened,oppressed child.

She has a good job in the medical field and a husband, house etc. Doesn't seem to be going through difficulties of any sort although of course you can never tell.

What would you put this down to?

I think sometimes bullied people dont have the courage (understandably) to stand up to the bullies but they may feel more betrsyal when somebody they perceive to be more like them colludes inadvertently. Perhaps you were too friendly in her opinion with the actual bully. Or perhaps you once laughed at a joke at her expense.

maybe her mum and dad always tried too hard to please her

More likely that she was a victim of abuse and created her own version of the world to cope.

I wouldn't engage with her OP, as you're not going to change her memories. I would be empathetic to her situation though, it's she's been through trauma to get things quite so messed up.

Somebody once accused me of bullying her too and i was shocked. She was taller, bigger, had a big family who all met her after school. One of her sisters once pulled up my skirt and pulled my knickers down and said "that's for bullying Bernie". I was like whaaaaaaat. And v v upset. I gave her a wide wide berth from then on. Her family was all out in force to take revenge on me but it felt like a hate campaign. Years later at a school reunion she told me i had pinged her bra strap. We would have been about 11. Cant imagine i did that more than once. But her perception of that was that i had bullied her. My perception was that i was scared of her and scared of all of her older sisters.

I was a similar child, as an adult my stepbrother (6ft 2” and a brown belt in martial arts) towered over me and accused me of childhood bullying. He honestly believes this is the truth and has blocked out how he destroyed my toys. We haven’t spoken since.

He believes it, I know the truth but there is no point in arguing. I think it’s some kind of mental transference and honestly in your case I’d block and forget it.

I just read she repeated her accusations with more acrimony.

That is weird.

Definitely mistaking you for somebody

I was in a similar position years ago. Someone I had been good friends with in primary and high school sent me a letter wanting to get it off her chest about how I bullied her. The letter Brought me to tears. It's not in my nature to treat someone like that, and I was bullied horrifically in high school by someone unrelated - physically and emotionally.

While I can't remember any of these accusations, I wrote back via Facebook apologising for anyway I may have made her feel bad, that I'd never want to make someone feel like that. She acknowledged my message thanking me for apologising and promptly unfriended me :(

At this point I can only assume that people like that either have taken things entirely the wrong way, or as someone else mentioned, they've told themselves the same story over and over for decades and actually made themselves believe it. It's not to belittle someone's feelings but don't be too hard on yourself. She may well have had a terrible/traumatic life completely unrelated to you or your actions and she's harbouring a lot of ill-feelings in general

I've seen it said many a time on here that bullies often don't recall having bullied their victims or have a totally different recollection of events. Since only hurt people hurt people, this makes sense. It can be blocked out like any other traumatic time.

I believe you though and I think as she was very young when she accused you, she mixed you up with someone else at the time, and has spent her life believing you were the other person who did these things to her.

There was a girl who bullied me a bit and made fun of me. But I wrongly attributed some truly shocking bullying to her, when it transpires it was a girl she was friends with (indisputable evidence). She was still horrible to me, but not as horrible as I thought. Is it possible you did something off but your other friend did something awful and she merged the two of you together?

I don't think you bullied her at all. Just block her and don't have any future interactions.

I would possibly send a message saying 'I didn't bully you when you were 6 and I haven't ever bullied you. I haven't ever pulled anyone's hair in my whole life.' and then block.

I know I once did something to someone which I still think about now, it was intended as a joke but backfired and they got upset. If that person mentioned it, I'd apologize profusely. Any other accusations- nope.

People do tell themselves stories and create things as real, I have disagreed with a friend about something that happened once and we can't both be right so one of us must have rewritten the truth in our heads! Equally things can happen which are so awful we can't remember.

I can see why this disturbed you, she's probably not a bad person, but she is wrong so you don't need to spend any more time on her, I'd definitely swerve from now on.

I could of wrote this post myself as the exact same thing happened to me. I made friends with the new girl at school and a girl I was still friends with (I imagine she was jealous) told her parents we were viciously bullying her. At the time I didn’t defend myself much and it annoys me even today and have always been tempted to confront the girl. I think some people get so consumed in their own lies they forget what’s fake and what’s reality. You’re better off blocking this girl, you know the truth at the end of the day.

The same girl even told her parents (who were friends with mine at the time) years later that I was out every weekend drinking. My mum had to confirm I stayed in most weekends. Really weird behaviour tbh

Dont share her messages.
You dont need her in your life. Just block and move on.
She has either confused you with someone else or is making it up. But she seems to be using you right now.

dd1 yes, I lost touch with her cousin aged between 10-12-I moved schools due to being bullied myself and other issues, I'd expressed this to my Mum many times but she only moved me 3 years later, 6 months before I moved to secondary. Cousin herself had began hitting me a lot then too-I was an extremely easy target looking back.

bigbluebow I am not het up at all. I am fascinated with people and why they do the things they do, which is why I wanted outside opinions. I just cannot fathom why someone would behave like she is.

owlone Maybe her cousin (my friend at the time was doing these things and somehow convincing her it was me?

and regardng the pulling down of your knickers, that happened to me a lot at this school. The perpetrator contacted me on facebook years ago and apologised, which I accepted. Perceptions can be very strange can't they. She definitley isnt mistakeing me for someone else though-although perhaps she did back then, but I still don't see how!

Glad you're not speaking to him any longer zoflora.

goldie I know what you (and pps) mean about the different recollections. I am now thinking perhaps my 'friend' served in warping her memories too. That could explain it somewhat.

weewelshwoman
I obviously don't think that it is truly impossible that I did anything at all wrong to her, I just really honestly don't remember being anything other than nice, if not a bit scared of being around her as she was so little and she would want to play with us and I didn't know how to interact with her and was scared of hurting her (not used to smaller children, I was so big and an only child). It is possible that her cousin did things I wasn't privvy to though I guess, which I then became tarred with.

popping that is true, I haven't ever pulled someone's hair! My hair used to get pulled a lot and it is so fine, it was absolute agony.

To all saying to end interaction and block-I have. Humans are so odd sometimes. Thanks for all your replies.

thefaceofboe sorry, missed your response.. how awful! Was she at least still a child at the time? Sounds awfully mean if she was a teen?

@Housewoes23 the bullying accusation was when we were about 9, the drinking thing was when we were about 14 and finally started to become friendly again after having lessons together. I still have her on social media and I’ve always wanted to ask her why she felt the need to lie but haven’t had the balls I really don’t care anymore but I do think every now and then what right did she have to treat me like that for no reason

sorry changed my user name

Sounds very odd that she'd rant at you over messenger and then ask you to share something via Facebook and accept your friend request. She's either insanely thick skinned and thinks it's fine to verbally abuse someone and then expect a favour, or unhinged.

I got the name change. It is so bizarre isnt it..I wonder if she would speak about it even if you asked.
lilylong I do wonder if she is slightly unhinged..but I was so curious as to what others thought.

Covert narcissist?

Bullying you through pretending to be a victim of you?

It sounds as though you were an easy target (not a criticism, lots of the best people are), if you attract one type of bully, you get them all. Its a pile on.

I think she was bringing it up again to put you in the subordinate position.

If you had genuinely been bullied by you, she wouldn't have messaged you, ever. In fact you would likely be blocked.

She is playing games. You don't need that mess in your life.

I had a friend in school who suffered from false memories. I met her years later she was still the same. I've always been suspicious that she suffered abuse and this distorted her sense of reality.

She might be a pathological liar. Or something else. Or sometimes people don't remember everything they did. My son didn't remember telling another student that a student liked him (he saw her doodling in class) and everyone made a mockery out of it and it embarrassed her . My son got called in and was told this was bullying and he should have kept it to himself. years later the topic was brought up and he didn't remember doing this.

One way another, this FB friend may not work out.

She was 6!! It is surprisingly easy to manipulate a persons memory but especially at that age as they have not developed the skills for complex reasoning.
It could have been something as simple as her cousin doing it at some.point and then claiming it was you! All a child will be aware of was that they suffered trauma. The trauma they feel will be real but they will be open to manipulation on how it happened and by whom.

Even as an adult, I was gaslighted over a period of time and seriously began to doubt my own version of events.

Many memories we hold as adults from childhood are indeed false memories.

If she was that young it may be that she believed it. May be the cousin did bully her outside school and saying it happened at school was a way getting heard? If you and cousin were alway together you had to be involved too?
It may have bwen rehashed over the years, may be the family did not take it well, so the lie became more and more firmly held in her head?

Maybe her Cousin upset or hurt her and for piling on dramatic effect she teamed you with her when making up a story & now believes it. I'd ask the Cousin about it,maybe she has form for stielrues like this.