How to deal with mum not accepting my crap childhood

[AsdaSmartPrice5]

I had a crap childhood. My mum is very selfish and from a young age I was exposed to her being blind drunk, dragging us around pubs late at night, listening to her having loud sex with random men, dating my (18 year old) brother's friends, bailiffs at the door etc. She would prioritise getting her hair done over making sure there was food in the cupboard. I'm now 27 and a mother of 2 myself and still struggle to come to terms with my childhood. My goal in life is to never let my kids feel the way I did. I try so hard every day with them. My mum has calmed down a lot over the years and is now a really good nan, but she rewrites history and brushes over my childhood and won't acknowledge her behaviour or the affect it had on me. I've accepted she never will. Does anyone have any tips on how to let this stop bothering me/how to engage with her moving forward?

Is she really such a great Nan or is she selfish and manipulative?
The leopard doesn't change it's spots, she will never acknowledge her terrible behaviour, her whole personality structure would crumble if she had to acknowledge what she has done

it's very likely that the real reason (ie the 'payoff for her) she's a great nan is because she wants to ensure your children will trust her and be loyal to her
that way she can use them against you when it suits her

As the daughter of someone incredibly similar to your mum I often wonder the same. I’m incredibly angry at myself that when she was diagnosed with cancer I told her I forgive her - I don’t. There’s not a part of me that does but I thought she was going to die and I didn’t want her to die thinking I hated her. I have never hated her but anger is different isn’t it? She’s never once acknowledged how bad it was and I’ve had a very similar childhood to you it seems 💐 including the random men 😡. I’m 42 now with a child and like you. My only aim in life is to make sure that my daughter never sees what I’ve seen and that’s the best “fuck you” I can give my mum without actually saying it. We have a very LC relationship in that she lives far away and although she texts every morning (to tell me she’s ok) I rarely see her and that’s the way I like it. She’s completely dismissive of how bad it was and that’s the worst part - that she won’t acknowledge the total shit show she inflicted on me and my brother (who is all kinds of fucked up because of our childhood).
The best tip I can give you - be everything you can be for your kids and take care of yourself! ❤️

@Ihavenoideawhatmyusernameis

As the daughter of someone incredibly similar to your mum I often wonder the same. I’m incredibly angry at myself that when she was diagnosed with cancer I told her I forgive her - I don’t. There’s not a part of me that does but I thought she was going to die and I didn’t want her to die thinking I hated her. I have never hated her but anger is different isn’t it? She’s never once acknowledged how bad it was and I’ve had a very similar childhood to you it seems 💐 including the random men 😡. I’m 42 now with a child and like you. My only aim in life is to make sure that my daughter never sees what I’ve seen and that’s the best “fuck you” I can give my mum without actually saying it. We have a very LC relationship in that she lives far away and although she texts every morning (to tell me she’s ok) I rarely see her and that’s the way I like it. She’s completely dismissive of how bad it was and that’s the worst part - that she won’t acknowledge the total shit show she inflicted on me and my brother (who is all kinds of fucked up because of our childhood). The best tip I can give you - be everything you can be for your kids and take care of yourself! ❤️

Thank you. I'm glad it isn't just me, although of course sad you went through it too

@Yohoheaveho

Is she really such a great Nan or is she selfish and manipulative? The leopard doesn't change it's spots, she will never acknowledge her terrible behaviour, her whole personality structure would crumble if she had to acknowledge what she has done

She hasn't changed if she can't admit the truth.

Protect yourself OP.
Put whatever is best for you first.

I think if there was an answer to this, the person with the answer would be very rich! My childhood wasn't at all as bad as yours but was difficult and has messed with me a bit. One therapist told me something I've found interesting and have tried to use: that, especially as people get older, their subconscious has to 'remake' their life so that they can reconcile themselves to the bad bits; and it becomes impossible for them to accept your version of events as being right.
I'm a lot older than you and my mum was in her 80s by this stage but I think that that 'remaking' starts earlier.
Anyway what I learned from that is that there is just no point trying to get through to them. All you can do is try to work on your reaction to them in whatever way you can. What I've tried is firstly seeing my mum as a 'job' that had to be 'done' so literally booking her in a 2 hour slot each week as if it were a meeting with a colleague. That makes me feel less engaged and therefore less upset. Secondly I've tried to feel sorry for her instead of feeling angry - so thinking of the bad bits of her life that made her who she was.
I'm not much better than I was but I feel that sometimes it helps a bit. Oh and the other thing is to really try not to expect too much of yourself. You can't change her or her beliefs and you can't 100% change your reactions, but every time you feel like you've made a positive step, however small, pat yourself on the back.
Sorry that's an essay. It's very close to my heart.

@HitchikersGuide

I think if there was an answer to this, the person with the answer would be very rich! My childhood wasn't at all as bad as yours but was difficult and has messed with me a bit. One therapist told me something I've found interesting and have tried to use: that, especially as people get older, their subconscious has to 'remake' their life so that they can reconcile themselves to the bad bits; and it becomes impossible for them to accept your version of events as being right. I'm a lot older than you and my mum was in her 80s by this stage but I think that that 'remaking' starts earlier. Anyway what I learned from that is that there is just no point trying to get through to them. All you can do is try to work on your reaction to them in whatever way you can. What I've tried is firstly seeing my mum as a 'job' that had to be 'done' so literally booking her in a 2 hour slot each week as if it were a meeting with a colleague. That makes me feel less engaged and therefore less upset. Secondly I've tried to feel sorry for her instead of feeling angry - so thinking of the bad bits of her life that made her who she was. I'm not much better than I was but I feel that sometimes it helps a bit. Oh and the other thing is to really try not to expect too much of yourself. You can't change her or her beliefs and you can't 100% change your reactions, but every time you feel like you've made a positive step, however small, pat yourself on the back. Sorry that's an essay. It's very close to my heart.

This so resonates and is so true.

Can I ask why you feel it would help you for her to accept this?

I have a very good relationship with my mum (I'm 29 now), but childhood was bad, not all her fault, but much was.
I have had counselling to deal with the issues, and sometimes like when she is drunk at a family dinner she will say she is sorry for being such a bad mum or something specific, when it links into the conversation.

What I HATE is when her husband always says "I'm sure you were a brilliant mum" !!! Like, what does he know about it, he wasnt there, and she is now a completely different person.

However, I dont think that she always needs to feel bad about what happened in the past as she has changed now. Maybe changed behaviour is a form of apology?

Maybe changed behaviour is a form of apology?

You might be right. After all, 'sorry' is just a word. Anyone can say it. Actually changing is another matter though.

I get you op. And my childhood wasn't as bad as yours- but my mother shouldn't have had children.

For me it was standing up to her that changed it. I haven't forgiven a d I e made it clear if she steps out of line with DS then she won't see him.

Not excusing her behaviour, but I'm wondering what her childhood was like? Did she have a good role model. Maybe she did the best she could. You a striving to give your children a different upbringing to you. Maybe she was doing the same

I think if YOU can forgive her (possibly need a good Counsellor)! then it is best for YOU in the long term.Most older people (esp parents) dont want to acknowledge where they went wrong ,as they would need to face up to their imperfections!I think many people would like to get their parents to face up to what happened to them ,even if it is not as traumatic as yours was .I am sorry to hear about your childhood ,It sounds really shit! I think many women struggle with their DD in particular, as they age and DD start to blossom .Hence going out with your friends ! I am not trying ro make light of your problem but I really think you could benefit from some good Counselling here .Otherwise it will just eat away at you .

An apology from your mum and recognition that she was a bad mother might make you feel better momentarily as it would confirm that your feelings are valid, but no words/apologies can give you back the childhood you wanted and deserved. You will always resent her for what she did.
The only way to move on is to concentrate on how she is now, and allow her to be a better grandmother than mother.

@HitchikersGuide That is such a helpful post, thank you, as someone who is trying to come to terms with having an upbringing somewhat like the OP’s

My DH’s mum is exactly the same. He had a terrible upbringing and she accepts nothing, in fact she blames him for it. Only way he has dealt with it is going very low contact with her. We haven’t seen her for 2 years. She messages him and he only responds to messages about how the DC are to which she shows no interest. It works best for him, and she is blocked on his social media and email and he won’t answer phone calls. It’s the only way he keeps his sanity x

HitchikersGuide just echoing pp's appreciation for your post. Really useful advice, especially the bit about making her into a "job". Helps to take the emotion out, and hopefully some of the hurt.

Myself and my two brothers had a crap childhood, because of our selfish narcissistic parents. My mother could have made things better but didn't want to give up the wealthy ex-pat lifestyle...so didn't.

She also refuses to acknowledge how badly if affected us - in fact, she now takes the piss out of my older brother for daring to tell her to her face how he feels about it. At best she's defensive, and blames it all on my father.

The only way to deal with it is to accept that she's never going to accept your experience. Get counselling for yourself and if you feel unable to go complete no contact with her, stay very low contact.

She is selfish she won't recognise her faults. I don't know how you can move forward from a horrible experience if the person won't acknowledge their part.
I'm sorry she failed you her reasons for this this are her own none of them are your fault.

What helped me to come to terms with my parents' behaviour was to realise that their upbringings had been fucked up.

I think many women struggle with their DD in particular, as they age and DD start to blossom
do they?
I delight in the loveliness of my daughter, I had my days in the sun, I want her to to enjoy hers as much as she can, and then some!
What I do think is that my parents expected absolute and unconditional loyalty from me, that I was born in their debt and then forever beholden to them (haha no chance- am VLC with them)

Hellox
Merrythought
Littlefox
So glad my post may be useful to some to everyone trying to find their way through.

My childhood was nothing like yours OP. But there were plenty of shitty things that happened that have wrecked my self esteem ever since. My mum disputes she is at fault. She did her best etc. Looking back and having my own kids, I do understand how hard she did have it. But that doesn't excuse her behaviour. Even now, she cannot be the mum I want. She is not emotionally capable.

I had it out with her years ago when DS1 was a baby. She never apologised or accepted it. But I felt better for saying my piece. I've since learned to step back and stop expecting anything from her.

Thanks for the comments.

I think you should try to get some counselling if you haven’t already. You need to come terms with this without clinging to the hope of ever getting anything back from your mother.
She sounds like a lost cause. You don’t sound like a lost cause. Make peace with it and be proud of the great person and mother you are and will be.