How to deal with mum not accepting my crap childhood

[AsdaSmartPrice5]

I had a crap childhood. My mum is very selfish and from a young age I was exposed to her being blind drunk, dragging us around pubs late at night, listening to her having loud sex with random men, dating my (18 year old) brother's friends, bailiffs at the door etc. She would prioritise getting her hair done over making sure there was food in the cupboard. I'm now 27 and a mother of 2 myself and still struggle to come to terms with my childhood. My goal in life is to never let my kids feel the way I did. I try so hard every day with them. My mum has calmed down a lot over the years and is now a really good nan, but she rewrites history and brushes over my childhood and won't acknowledge her behaviour or the affect it had on me. I've accepted she never will. Does anyone have any tips on how to let this stop bothering me/how to engage with her moving forward?

I think that realising they will never acknowledge how bad things were - that can help.

I never bothered to have conversations about my childhood with my parents. It would have been pointless. I just decided to see them on my terms.

I think seeing her act as doting GM with her manner is very confusing and hurtful for you.
Get some counselling she might be still manipulating you.

My sister and I both agreed that it was our mother's parenting style that convinced us both at an early age that we didn't want children, so never got to see how she was with grandchildren.
She died twenty years ago, but I spent much of my adult life NC with her - my sister was a bit more forgiving and put up with her rose tinted view of our childhoods.
I still regret that we didn't have more of an adult relationship; if you can manage to if not forgive, but get over what she was like you, could have a lot to gain. Just keep a safe-ish distance, and be proud of the fact that you're doing so much better.

My dm was similar. If they had a pulse she shagged them. Male /female...
Grim childhood.
When she started trying to give me parenting advice and being a critical bitch I had no choice but to go nc. 20 years all in all.. No regrets. Even after the woe is me letters arrived..

My mother is exactly the same and I have found that the yale communication method deals with the problem the majority of the time.

Most crap parents aren't self aware enough or emotionally mature enough to admit their failings. My Mother , though a coward once the worm turned & i told her like it was, played the victim & tried to gaslight me. Again. Low or no contact is the best way to get over it IME. Pity her. She's too emotionally fucked up to learn ,grow or change. It's sad, but that's just how it is .

You don’t have to forgive her, but it actually makes it less painful if you understand her. There is a pretty good chance that your mum was pretty fucked up herself. She was probably repeating patterns from her own childhood that she didn’t have the help/reslilience/insight/intelligence/resources to overcome. (Very few of those things were available...) She probably overwrote her childhood history so that she could live with that too. I’m really sorry that you went through all that, @AsdaSmartPrice5. My mother was abusive and negligent also. I have kids now as well and I can’t imagine seeing them in the same way my mother saw me. (So thanks to many years of therapy, I have obviously broken the mold! I genuinely like my kids!!!)
I will never forgive my mother. Ever. She’s dead now, and there was no Disney moment where she apologized or acknowledge a damn thing. (She didn’t mellow, btw - she became sneakier and more spiteful.) I’m glad she’s dead and out of our lives, but I do understand that she was a very broken person.

@justilou1

You don’t have to forgive her, but it actually makes it less painful if you understand her. There is a pretty good chance that your mum was pretty fucked up herself. She was probably repeating patterns from her own childhood that she didn’t have the help/reslilience/insight/intelligence/resources to overcome. (Very few of those things were available...) She probably overwrote her childhood history so that she could live with that too. I’m really sorry that you went through all that, *@AsdaSmartPrice5*. My mother was abusive and negligent also. I have kids now as well and I can’t imagine seeing them in the same way my mother saw me. (So thanks to many years of therapy, I have obviously broken the mold! I genuinely like my kids!!!) I will never forgive my mother. Ever. She’s dead now, and there was no Disney moment where she apologized or acknowledge a damn thing. (She didn’t mellow, btw - she became sneakier and more spiteful.) I’m glad she’s dead and out of our lives, but I do understand that she was a very broken person.

This works if negligent parents treat their children the same. My mother had awful childhood, like something from Dickens novel. When she was 20 she married a man who was everything her abusive father wasn't, but was abusive to her in different way.

She abused me all through my childhood (beating me often with a stick and a belt together with other lovely things) but she never did any of those things to my two year younger brother.

We have a fairly good relationship now (but that is because we live in different parts of the country) but she never admitted things she did. I stopped talking to her about my childhood, but when we used to talk about that she would get mad how come I do not understand her knowing her life. And If I mentioned different treatment she would stay silent. Only once when she was annoyed she admitted I stopped existing to her the moment my brother was born.

OP, I don't have any tips. If your mother is similar to mine she will never apologize, never say sorry.

I have never forgiven my mother, but I have learned to live with it. And I feel sorry for her, because all the love I could have given to her is lost. We talk and somebody might even think we have a good relationship, but it is just normal civil conversation, with no warmth.

I wish you all the best.

I had a terrible childhood. A lot happened but a big part of it was my nasty selfish mother who made sure her children were as miserable as she was.
In my late teens (after i left home) i told her what a horrid mother she had been....she basically said that she was unhappy and there was no reason why her children should be happy if she wasnt. She admitted it was deliberate. If she was suffering we should too.
I am now in my 50s...and earlier this year (during covid) i received a letter from my mother. She had suffered a very bad hip injury and was in a nursing home. I think she was bored and sending letters to everyone she had ever met. I actually rang her from the phone number she gave in the letter. I am really not sure why...maybe curious.
She was surprised i rang her. And then basically said it was much too late to form any relationship ...and we should probably never talk again.
And that is my relationship with my mother.

Try watching Lisa A Romano on YouTube. Good for those who had an alcoholic parent.

My mother is a much better grandparent than she was mother. I still have had to watch her and put her in her place. I went NC for a couple of months to assert a boundary and finally elicited a “sorry if” when dd was about 7. Do beware.

to you lovely people, who have shared your harrowing life stories.

Most parents can't accept the impact their behaviour has had on their children. I can understand why, it means accepting that you've failed at the most important job you have probably ever had.

My parent could never fully acknowledge their part in my shitty childhood. It was always someone else's fault, they were the innocent victim etc etc

I waited years for a full apology, I wanted them to admit what they did and they were wrong but I was never going to get that.

I had therapy privately, including EMDR and I got to the point where I wasn't affected by it in the same way.

I also went no contact though, I couldn't have done all that whilst still trying to maintain any relationship. Even if they're different now, it's still a reminder and the dynamic you have is bound to stir up past hurts and resentment.

By needing her to acknowledge her behaviour, you place your happiness and well-being back in her hands - it’s too much power to give someone. I don’t think you’re now going to get the recognition that you’d like, and waiting for it to happen and being upset that it hasn’t is stealing your chance for happiness.

For me (differently abusive parents) it was about accepting what happened - recognising that for lots of reasons my parents didn’t offer me the love, care and protection I deserved. No excuses or pondering about why, or whether their reasons were fair enough - just that it happened that way. Without that acceptance we run the risk of falling in with their rewrite and convincing ourselves things were fine, or we drive ourselves crazy trying to figure out why - when in reality they would probably struggle to tell us why so how the he’ll would we be able to figure that one out. It also releases me from the obligation to forgive the unforgivable. I don’t forgive them, but I don’t carry anger about it either - I too treat my dad like a job, to be ticked off on a list of things to do.

I’m not saying that’s been an easy road - it’s actually been pretty torturous with a long spell in therapy but I feel free of the burden my childhood placed on me, so it’s been worth it.

Living well is in my opnion is the best revenge, I am in the queue for Tesco so can't give this my full attention, I am lucky there is a substantial (well substantial to me) sum of money and I have earmarked about 1% for doing all the stuff that she as a narc used to do couldnt truly afford.

Long story as to how confrontation came about, but now when she tries to rewrite history I fix her with a long stare and leave a very awkward silence.

I live away from home, and the last time she tried to rewrite history I called my DH from the tv room and said X is leaving, please take her to the airport. (we had agreed this in advance a few years previously) and told her that by the time her plane landed, I would have called her sisters and brothers and told why she had been to my house for the last time.

She has pulled her horns in massively and is now manageable and I look forward to spending my inheritance.

My mum also likes to rewrite history. The most frustrating thing for me is that I think she genuinely might not even remember some of the awful things she has done and said because she was pissed at the time.

I have no idea how to let go of the anger. I'm just here in solidarity and hoping that I can benefit from the wisdom of other users.

@kavalkada - I’m not going to attempt to make this a competition, but I was the Antichrist and my brother the Messiah. I had the broken bones, the unnecessary gynaecological surgeries and the even worse psychological abuse. He had cars bought for him, credit cards, etc.... I think you can see where this is going. Meanwhile, I know that yes, she was pathologically evil. She was also a product of her environment. I know her history. I don’t excuse her behaviour AT ALL!!! I don’t minimize it either!!! It happened. She’s dead. They’re dead. I have my new reality with my lovely, lovely family. People I choose - people who are kind, genuine, trustworthy and healthy. I have worked for years on my own boundaries and continue to do so. I check in with my family to ensure that everyone is safe and loved and known - because that is my fear. (I also try not to mess them up with my own history. I will tell them one day if it’s appropriate and safe for them. But I will never weaponise my past.)

On a happier note, I have just scored a Tesco delivery slot.

If my mum was still alive, I’d suspect my relationship would be the same OP. I think she’d have been a great nan.

My mum used to beat me - pretty much daily. She once injured me so badly I required hospital treatment when I was around 4 years old.

She doesn’t accept that she did anything wrong - she justifies it by saying I was a naughty child and deserved it.

We are not close. I tried for years and years to build a relationship but I couldn’t move past the fact that she took no responsibility so now I keep my distance. She visits maybe once a year to see the kids. I Know I will never get the answers / response that I want from her so I just don’t think about it anymore. I just concentrate on my own kids and make sure I never make the mistakes that my own mum made.

I had a different sort of crap childhood: narcissistic mother who bullied me from a very early age. Going low contact and living well was the best thing I ever did.

I’m in my mid 40s now and speak to her when we periodically gather as a family group but never call or visit 1:1. It’s made a huge difference to my mental health.

We never intentionally speak of the past - she refuses to acknowledge that she was anything other than a wonderful mother and has rewritten history.

Most recently the story of a childhood event where I did something stupid and she with a tinkly laugh, claimed she’d given me a big hug and told me not to worry. She actually slapped me in the the face, called me a stupid idiot and didn’t speak to me for a week.

I have no idea if she actually believes her version of events.

I’ll never forgive her for her behaviour and I’m glad I’ve been able to distance myself from her. It’s taken a long time.

My DM is like yours in some ways, OP, a better grandma to my DDs than she was a mum to me. She did love my siblings and me, but she didn’t know how to show it. It probably had a lot to do with the fact that she was orphaned at 10 and then sexually abused by the uncle who became her guardian. (She only told me this when I was an adult.)

Her remoteness led to my DSis and me not being able to tell her that we were being sexually abused by our F and others all through our childhood. He did this right under her nose and she has no idea. We don’t know whether to believe her sometimes, but I suspect she was simply very good at denial.

Looking back, my F emotionally abused her and was very controlling towards her, forever accusing her of being unfaithful to him (oh the irony) and was also financially abusive. She didn’t see this and convinced herself and us that he was a loving H and F. He was very good at gaslighting.

When we told her about it (we’d repressed the memories for many years), she was devastated. I obviously understand this, but she’s made it all about her. Whenever we try to talk to her about the past, she turns on the ‘waterworks’ and asks us not to ‘ruin her time with her DGC’.

I’ve persevered with our relationship; she’s 81 now and she obviously isn’t going to change. Therapy has really helped. My DSis and I are able to support each other and are close. My DB, though, is a completely damaged human being at 53 (he wasn’t sexually abused by our F but he was abused by others and he was groomed into abusing us too). He has serious MH issues which my DM stubbornly refuses to attribute to the childhood abuse.

It’s really hard, OP, but therapy has helped me to process my complex feelings about my childhood. (My F is long dead, thankfully.) I recommend it for you if you haven’t had any as yet.

Mine ended up in a rest home round the corner from me ,after I’d not seen her in 20 years .
Covid has given me breathing space from visiting
There is no one else to deal with her except me
She’s never admitted she was a crap mum
I was utterly massive as a baby because ( apparently)the doctor told her to put double the amount of powder in my milk
She gave me sleeping tablets she got for herself so I was always asleep when her friends came over ,even in the afternoon.
She told me herself to do the same to my children.
I could go on ...
But no these types never apologise

I had a similar childhood, there was food but only because after she gambled all of her money away she’d get a loan from the local loan shark. She used to have random men over and would hit me like she was hitting an adult. The hitting stopped when I was 15, had enough and hit her back but the rest went on until I was 16-17. At 19 I was self harming. I begged her for help she told me to hold on, walked out the house snd went to the pub with my now sf. She claims I was a bad child and she couldn’t cope. My eldest ds is a nightmare at times but I’ve never battered him for it. She will sit on the phone saying ‘now you know how I felt’ I say no. I don’t. I don’t leave my child alone while I’m out shagging anyone who’ll have me then make him listen to it. Her response ‘I was in self destruct mode’
I could write a book on the ways she’s messed me up. But there’s no point. Everything there wrong with me as an adult can be easily explained away as being attributed to something else. She believes she did a good job raising me.
Annoyingly though. I’m loyal to her and have refused to move to another part of the country to stay near her. Mainly for dc
I’m glad to say she isn’t like this with dc as she wouldn’t see them.

I feel sorry for you, Asda. My mother, though her behaviour was different to that which you describe from your mum, caused me great unhappiness and never accepted that she did anything wrong. She would blatantly lie about it, say I imagined things and blame me!

She improved as she got older and was a very good grandmother and supportive of me as an adult, which I appreciated.

I forgave her (despite there still being 'niggles' and I still feel them sometimes though she died a long time ago), and saw her many good points.

One thing I was always sure of was that I would never be a parent afraid to say I was sorry if I got anything wrong and that my parenting would be child led. It paid off. However not one of us is perfect.

I do hope you eventually come to terms with your mother's inadequacies. We can't change the past but we can move forward.

I’d bin her off OP. A leopard never changes its spots.