How to deal with mum not accepting my crap childhood

[AsdaSmartPrice5]

I had a crap childhood. My mum is very selfish and from a young age I was exposed to her being blind drunk, dragging us around pubs late at night, listening to her having loud sex with random men, dating my (18 year old) brother's friends, bailiffs at the door etc. She would prioritise getting her hair done over making sure there was food in the cupboard. I'm now 27 and a mother of 2 myself and still struggle to come to terms with my childhood. My goal in life is to never let my kids feel the way I did. I try so hard every day with them. My mum has calmed down a lot over the years and is now a really good nan, but she rewrites history and brushes over my childhood and won't acknowledge her behaviour or the affect it had on me. I've accepted she never will. Does anyone have any tips on how to let this stop bothering me/how to engage with her moving forward?

She is not a great nan. She did not have the qualities to be a good mother, how do you think she knows how to be a good grandmother? She is manipulating you.
I do believe some people change, but the first step is acknowledging their behaviour.

We are all the hero of our own story so she will be making the last work for her so she can move forward. She has probably justified all of it in her head.

Some great advice here and the key is be different with your own, which you are x

Sounds like she wasn’t ready for adulthood when she had you, not that it’s an excuse.

It’s great that you focus on making sure you don’t make the same mistakes she did, you sound like a great mum and that’s what is important.

Looking back at my childhood I realise that my mum didn’t really have much time for us, we spent most of our time doing our own thing, rarely went out anywhere unless it was to visit family or go on a holiday that my dad wanted to go on. My dad worked a lot and my mum didn’t engage with us that much but we had a great time exploring, building dens and hanging out with other kids, we were lucky we lived in a rural village so we were pretty safe. I guess I thought my childhood was amazing until I had kids of my own and then realised we were just left to do what we wanted and rarely spent time with our parents.

I do believe people can change but that doesn’t make up for what your mother was like when you were a child. She may be a great grandparent but that doesn’t really make up for your childhood. Maybe she does realise that she was a rubbish parent, maybe she feels bad which is why she’s trying hard to be a good grandparent?

YOU BROKE THE CHAIN!!! (So did I).

Good for you, kiddo!!

Breaking the chain is your validation and reward, because you won't get it from your DM. Ever. Your children may see the truth in time. My DF was a mentally ill, narcissistic control freak, and still is, and our childhood was turbulent, troubled and damaging. DF will never acknowledge even the tiniest thing but my DS age 12 is now seeing him for what he is.

My DM had a wonderful childhood and parents but resented what she thought of as favouritism. She was a rubbish mother, wife and friend. She believed that the world owed her everything but she refused to work. She was only ever physically there. She didn't engage with me at all. She didn't hit me but she was always nasty and aggressive. She couldn't be happy for me or anyone. She always knew best and was the best. She acted like a child.

She was constantly unfaithful, spent money on herself and her men so we went short. She constantly criticised me, my ĎF, her friends and family.

I don't believe that they change. She was a rubbish grandmother as well because everything all the time had to be about her.

I cannot forgive her and I still hate her.

People like your mum never change...

They are simply unable and unwilling to reflect on their actions and apologise because it would mean accepting they did something wrong in the first place.

It is much easier for them to instead put the blame on you and claim you remember things wrongly, are overreacting, too sensitive and so on...

Also, nothing is forcing you to forgive and forget. You had a crappy childhood because of your mother's selfishness. Nothing can change that.

I would put some distance between you and her and always try to remember that she is still the same manipulative person who will never acknowledge what she did.

If you choose to have her in your life (and it is your choice to make, not hers) then I would make sure that when she interacts with your own kids she does not display any kind of dodgy behaviour.

I would never trust my own parents around young kids. They were too toxic for that.

time.com/5128381/her-mothers-mind/

I followed this photographer on instagram and her posts really resonated with a significant audience. It might be good to head over there and see what she's posted over the years. She's @youhavenothingtoworryabout on there.

any tips

Find the wisdom in Larkin's words; and accept that she may never be the mother you need her to be.

I might have ended up a lot less messed up if my only problem was the paedophile next door. Years of therapy means I can see that, actually, the severity of the damage was massively compounded by my father's refusal to see that I wasn't being a wilfully disobedient little shit but a badly traumatised child. My mother's excusing and rationalising of his behaviour was yet another contributing trauma.

I've come to terms with her role (she did what she felt was best, there was no MN in 1988, and deep down I always knew she loved me). I've come to terms with the paedophile's role, though the damage there is still ongoing. But my father? He cannot accept that he played a role in creating the mess that is me; and so I cannot have a meaningful and healthy relationship with him.

He triggers my ptsd. He's mellowed with age, but he can't recognise that when I perceive him to be dominating a little girl and attempting to force her to obey his will, he's triggering a flare-up the "illness" that he has to keep believing is the source of all his daughter's woes.

I try to learn from it and parent my own child better. Doubtless I'll fuck her up in other ways! For now I face trying to navigate mine and my siblings' conflicting realities and hoping they can come to understand that they can't force me back into line on this one, not if they truly do want their baby sister to get better.

Guilt, shame- she knows deep down but probably can't deal with it herself. She is probably trying to make up for it through being a good Nan. You can't get her to accept it. I would advise maybe trying not to talk about your childhood with her as you won't get her to accept it, but maybe just focus on the present and also the best thing you can do is not be the mother she was. She will see this and deep down know it.

Making up for it by being a good grandparent - I've wondered about this.

Trouble is, if seeing the grandparent means the children then have to cope with mother being somehow discombobulated afterwards, then that's potentially not actually great for the kids, is it?

"Good" grannying that causes "bad" mummying isn't actually good grannying at all.

I had a similar childhood but different to yours, but the same outcome. I was fine until I had children of my own and realised how truly grim and sad my own childhood was.

Have you had therapy with a counsellor or professional that specialises in childhood trauma? Having this time to talk through my childhood was so helpful to me op, and helped me understand what happened then, and what is happening now.

Your mother is in denial, she is in denial because she would not be able to live with easily with what she did, so she protects herself from the truth. This is to enable her to carry on, but it denies you the recognition and acknowledgement of what she did, and the impact it had on you. That is very hard to live with, the silent truth, unspoken.

Find someone else to talk to about your childhood, work through your own emotions towards her, and keep your boundaries in place. She hurt you a great deal op, by the sounds of it. You don't have to have a very close relationship with her. Your dc only need a good and happy mother, good gp are just a bonus if you have them, not an essential requirement.

I am LC with my mother, I see her on my own terms and in a way that makes me feel healthy and well. I don't talk about the past, or about the future. I keep the conversation light and fluid. I have a slightly different set up to you - but I would think carefully what kind of values she is passing on to your children - are they the ones you have chosen or she has chosen? Are you happy with the interaction and the contact?

Always have an alternative plan B with a mother like yours, that does not rely on her keeping her word or being there for you.

The best comfort we can take is that we are by far better parents that they will ever be, we have broken the toxic cycle for our own children. We have cracked it, and you should be proud every day of the childhood you are giving to your little ones. Watch out for triggers, watch out for your self care and not over giving - and enjoy your life now you are free of all the things that held you back as a little girl

I will never believe that someone can one day just wake up from being abusive to being a good grandparent. Someone who truly changes will start by making right the wrongs they have done. What she is doing is rewriting history by making you believe the face she puts on now is who she was and you must have been exaggerating everything.
It is all to do with making her feel better. But what about you? When do you get to heal? Her reasons are purely selfish and again she is using you for her own intentions.

I agree with jill

I would also consider that now her party days are clearly well and truly over, she has become the perfect granny to serve her own needs, for company and something to do.
No doubt if she had the chance/was twenty years younger she would not be hanging around to babysit and spend time with you and your dc. So I would question her motives, and what she is taking out of this. Opposed to her 'making up for lost time'. A mother that showed so little care now, and has shown no remorse - no doubt is self serving now in my view.

I have found therapy very helpful as it has taught me tools on how to 'manage' my mother in order for me not to get hurt further. Or at least to minimise the damage.

@Jellycatspyjamas wow! Thank you for your insight. Working on acceptance in therapy now, your words give me so much hope

My DM was not like yours but we don't get on.

My theory is being a good Granny is kind of 'see, I'm fine. We don't have a close relationship because you Laser are awful'. I'm probably projecting but who knows.

My DM is on paper a 'good Granny' as long as the DC perform. If they fail to make Granny feel she is important than she armchair diagnoses some fault in them...or me.

I think hitchhikersguide was very helpful. If you want to maintain a relationship treat as a job and then move on.

You are breaking that chain x

if they fail to make granny feel she is important
I recognise this attitude... 'now that I am old all must venerate and obey me'🙄

I was liberated from the crushing weight of trying to find ways to come to terms with my mother and let her be a grandma when she did something bad but not awful and I just snapped and decided I did not need a mother in my life. I gave up that dream. It was gut-wrenching for a short time then freedom. We very rarely see each other, I very rarely think of her. It's great to not be on guard all the time. I have so much more mental energy for other people, like my children.

Some day soon I expect to be asked to care for her. I will refuse point blank with no reasons. I expect some people will think me a right witch. I can live with that.

I very rarely think of her
This, I feel, is the true freedom....